Wanna hear a couple jokes?

What's the difference between an elephant and a can of orange paint?

nothing they are the samethey are both orange..... except the elephant.
 
two goldfish are sitting in a tank. One says, "I'll drive, you man the guns".

Why did the plane crash into the mountain?

Because the pilot was a loaf of bread

So a man and a zebra walk into a bar and start drinking. The zebra is a super lightweight, and eventually passes out on the floor. The man continues to drink until bar time, and when he tries to get up and leave, the bar tender says "hey pal, you cant leave that lying here". And the man says: "Its a zebra..."
 
Ski Season Training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

1.Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

2.Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

3.Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

4.If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

5.Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

6.Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7.Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8.Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

9.Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

10.Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

11.Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

12.Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

13.Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

14.Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

15.Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

16.Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

 
What is the difference between a snowboard instructor and a snowboarder?

3 days

How can you tell who the ski instructor is in a room full of people?

You dont have to, they will tell you

3 guys go camping in their new tent.

After a night's sleep, the guy sleeping on the left of the tent wakes up in a cold sweat and tells the others "I had the most horrible nightmare that somebody was trying to pull my dick off!"

The guy sleeping on the right says "Weird! I had the exact same dream!"

The guy sleeping in the middle says "I had a dream that I was skiing

How do you get a snowboarder off your porch?

Pay for the pizza

Why do lifties only get half a hour lunch break?

Because any longer and they need to be retrained!

 
youre an idiot. the answer is three: one to change the light bulb one to film. one to claim. same joke could apply to members of ns.
 
what do west virginia tech and mt everest have in common?
they're both minus 32 and they both have a killer slope
 
There was a chairlift in Whistler with a local, an aussie, a Jamaican and a Mexican on it. The Jamaican pulled out a massive doobie and had one toke and threw it away and everyone else was like "What are you doing???!!" and the jamaican goes "dont worry, its everywhere back home". Then the Mexican then busts out a bottle of tequila and had one sip then throws the bottle away and everyone questions him like the Jamaican and he says "dont worry, its everywhere back home". So the Whistler local picks up the Aussie and throws him off the chairlift.

HAHAH i still laugh at this.
 
I like this but not the one above it. low blow on two counts...

how many ski instructors does it take to change a lightbulb?
a. two--one to screw it in and one to say "niiiiiice turns"b. one--the instructor stands still and the world revolves around him
 
A guy is sitting in a bar on the second floor of a building, and another guy walks in. The first guy takes a swig of his beer and jumps out of the window. A minute later, he walks back in the bar. The second guy says "wow! How did you do that?!" to which the first man replies, it's the beer.
So the second guy takes a swig of beer and jumps out the window. The bartender turns to the first guy and says "Superman, you sure are a dick when you're drunk."
 
Whats the difference between a ski instructor and god.
God doesnt think hes a ski instructor.

Why do girls wear make up and perfume.
Because their ugly and they smell bad.
 
How do you fit 100 jews into a volkswagen beetle?

2 in the front, 2 in the back and the rest in the ashtray

Bah-dum-tish
 
Kid's are so gullible these days...They actually believe there's sweets in my van :O

I entered my daughter in a swimming contest this weekend...I guess i couldn't resist the tight lycra :O

I hated paying £1.50 on the phone to fap over sex stories....so i got a job at child line. :O
 
How many dead babies does it take to shingle a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

How do you get a dead baby out of a blender?

Tortilla Chips.
 
What did the hat say to the hatrack?

I'll go on ahead...you wait right here.

How many string bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.
 
little johnny is having trouble sleeping, so he goes into his parents' room and sees them fucking. his dad screams "FUCK OFF JOHNNY, GET OUT". after a few minutes johnny's mum suggests he go and console their son and explain what he saw. the dad walks into johnny's room but he's not there. so he walks down the hallway to the other room and sees johnny fucking his grandma. johnny turns around and says "SEE? NOT SO FUNNY WHEN ITS YOUR MUM, IS IT?!"
 
Finding Nemo!

How many hipsters does it take to put in a light bulb?

Its such a cool number you've probely never heard of it
 
ok i made this one up don't judge me guys ok thanks. heres the joke
knock knockwhos therei eat lampi eat lamp who?HAHAHA YOU EAT LAMB POO HAHAHA FUCKER.
 
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry

fly who said to no one in particular, “Gosh… if I go down three inches, I

will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”

There was a fish in the water thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three

inches I can jump out of the water and eat him.”

There was a bear on the shore thinking, “Gosh…if that fly goes down three

inches… that fish will jump for the fly… and I will eat him.”

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake

preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. “Gosh,” he thought, “if that fly goes

down three inches… and that fish leaps for it… that bear will expose

himself and grab for the fish. I”ll shoot the bear and then have a proper

lunch.”

A mouse by the hunter”s foot was thinking, “Gosh… if that fly goes down

three inches… and that fish jumps for that fly… and that bear grabs for

that fish… the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese

sandwich.”

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought,

“Gosh… if that fly goes down three inches…and that fish jumps for that

fly… and that bear grabs for that fish…and that hunter shoots that

bear… and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich… then I can

catch him and have mouse for lunch.”

Finally, the poor fly is so hot and so dry that he heads down for the

cooling mist of the water…

The fish swallows the fly… The bear grabs the fish… The hunter shoots

the bear… The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich… The cat jumps for the

mouse… The mouse ducks… The cat misses the mouse and falls into the water.

The moral of the story is….

Whenever a fly goes down three inches…

You get a wet pussy.

:)
 
I think of the good dead baby jokes have been said, but heres a couple more:

what's the difference between an apple and a dead baby?

I don't jizz on my apple before I eat it

what's 18 inches and makes a woman scream all night?

stillbirth

and this one I realize is not cool with a lot of people and will probably get internet yells, but who gives a shit, it IS the internet.

what's the worst thing about being a black jew?

having to sit at the back of the oven
 
oh oh! on for Arabian. no offence, i love gays (no homo)

how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS
 
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