Wanna hear a couple jokes?

I masturbated over an ex girlfriend the other night. Its alright though, I still have a key to her house and she's a heavy sleeper.
 
What did Jane say when she saw a group of elephants?

Look! Plums!

Whats the difference between a plum and an elephant?

They're both purple, except for the elephant!
 
whats the difference between a truck load of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies?
you cant unload the truck of bowling balls with a pitchfork.
.

 
Bah, all my jokes are on my first language! and if i translate em, they will suck :P

found this;

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'

Watson replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What does that tell you?'

Watson ponders for a minute.' Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. 'Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.'
 
SO a rope walks into a bar and orders a drink but the bartender says, "HEY YOU! Get out! We don't serve ropes here!" Disappointed, the rope walks out of the bar, Twists himself up, shags up his hair, and then walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him again and says, " HEY!..... are you a rope?" The rope then replies and says, "Nope, I'm afraid not."

also,

Did you hear about that guy that lost his left arm and his left leg?

It's okay now though cause he's alright.

 
what do you call 4 mexicans in quicksand?

quatro cinco

what do you call a group of mexicans on a roof?

chingos

two condoms walk by a gay bar. one turns to the other and says "hey wanna go get shitfaced?"
 
Did you hear about the Mexican that went to college?

Neither have I.

Have you ever eaten Ethiopian food?

Neither have they.
 
A three legged dog walks into a bar... the bartender says what can i get you?

The dog says i'm looking for the man who shot my paw!
 
the one about sitting at the top of the park isnt really true because we stand. (but we stand there because we, well i, dont snake)

the second one is true for mostly everybody
 
You've really got to hand it to short people. Because they often can't reach it. I told a mother in-law joke today...but it didn't really work.They say, 'telling a good joke is all about the timing'...Even the vicar said I should have waited till she was in the ground.
 
How did the farmer find the sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Maybe tell your science teacher that one in exchange?
 
why did michael jackson want to be buried at sea?

so he could be tied to two buoys forever

what does stevie wonder's wife do after an argument?

rearrange the furniture

 
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

Because he was stapled to the monkey.
 
There is an asian guy and a turtle sitting next to each other at a bar, what does the asian guy say to the turtle?

you're a turtle
 
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