Worst sex exsperiences thread!

lets see, i'll give the top 3 from last year

1. possible 3some ruined by idiot roommate, yay dorms! had two girls over to watch some movies, we were on the couch under a blanket, they were getting friendly, room walks in, walks into the bathroom and starts puking his whole stomach out, like 10 minutes straight, we tried to wait it out for a couple, but they got too disgusted and went back to their dorm.

2. haha, this was actually the last time i had sex, yeah, the beginning of the drought. random hookup, blacked out, woke up in a dorm on the other side of campus and had no clue about her name. haha, luckily i said i needed to piss in the morning, and spotted her name on her notebook.

3. this one was actually funny, and not bad for me, but bad for said dick roommate. i had a girl over, but we decided to go for a stroll and get a late night meal. we decide to use her room, but then realize her purse with her room keys are still in mine, so we go back to find the rape lock hook thingy secured, so we bang on the door a couple times, he comes to the door butt naked, then had to take a few minutes finding her purse, haha, so great to get that fucker back. needless to say the girl and i had a good laugh.
 
Graduatoin party at my house last year, my friend hooks up with this girl who i didn't even know she was just at my grad party for whatever reason. But anyways all of my friends are there with like their parents and shit and everyone was drinking and having a good time congratulating us and we notice that my bro has been gone for a long ass time so we go and try to find him. were walking down the hall and all of the sudden we hear this WHAT THE FUCK? come out of the guest bedroom. My friend comes walking out bare ass naked with a fuckin wood and this pissed off look on his face and storms out of my house in front of like all these fuckin parents and friends of mine. Turns out he put it in her ass and she wasn't having that so she forcingly shoved her fingers up his asshole. probably way more embarassing for me and my mom than it was him, ive never seen so many astounded old people in my entire life.
 
"i met this girl in hollywood, she had green hair but damn she looked good. i took her to my house cuz she was fine but she whooped out a dick that was bigger than mine"

name the song haha
 
well, me and my gf went down to the river for a nice nap, and after a while of sleeping in the hammock, we move to the ground, because hammock sex is really difficult.  the problem is, between the two of us, we have one towel to lay on, so we both are kind of laying in the grass. anyway, the sex is pretty good and we go home. the next day i start to feel some itching on my ass, and thigh, but dont think much of it. later that night, im getting in the shower, and i look at myself in the mirror, and my whole ass, and thigh is covered in a huge red, blistery rash. i look at myself some more, and i have more rashes on my legs, sides, stomach, back, arms, and face. it turns out that this summer the poison ivy in my area was much more widespread, and more potent than usual. my gf got it too, on her neck where people could notice it. it was kind of funny watching her try to come up with excuses for how she got poison ivy on her neck. it was a rough few weeks though, it itched like hell.
 
Me and 3 friends were walking around at the beach this summer. Middle of the night, wasted as hell, and we hear some girls whistling. Well we decided to find out what house the noise was coming from so we followed the whistles and came to a house with 3 chicks on a balcony. We started talking and asking them for more alc. and the only girl I was paying attention to (the only attractive one) said if you can get up here you can have the rest of their case and some shots. I was like ok no problem. My buddy checked the door and it was locked. Well all my friends decided it would be productive to start yelling at them but I decided to scale the side of the building up 2 stories and onto the balcony. The hot girl was impressed and took me inside for some alc. Shotgunned 2 beers, had a handful of kamikazees and walked down the stairs and outside. Distributed the alc. to my soldiers left behind and walked back to our hotel.

Well this girl was getting feely on me on the way back and im like oh yeah im pounding vag tonight. Well 2 of my friends run back to the hotel for some reason and leave the 2 drunkest people with one attractive girl (mine) and 2 pieces of walking roadkill. We get back to the hotel and my 2 friends that left are there and immeditely demand the girls take off their shirts upon entering the room. They do and the girl grabs me and we start making out. Kid from next door ends up with roadkill#1 fucking in the bathroom. Friend#1 ends up with roadkill#2 in the bedroom 69ing where friend#2 & #3 set up my camera and left. And Im on the pull out couch and decide to throw on a rubber and me and this girl start going at it.

Friend #2 & #3 return shortly and walk past me and hot girl and to the back, bust in on Friend#1 and roadkill#2 take the camera for review to discover roadkill#2 has a huge bush and proceeded to yell "EEEEEWWWWW that shit was on your face" and then come over and start video taping us. We go get dressed and the roadkill duo leaves hot girl with me. We decide to walk back to her beach house and try and find her friends. Well we found them on the balcony of random hotel. We investigate and pound some beers that don't belong to us. I ended up pissing on the owners grill downstairs so i grab some beers for the journey ahead and escape via the roof and hop down on a dumpster just as the cops arrive. We finally go back to her beach house and ended up fucking in the back of her parents benz in the garage. Got her name (for the first time) and number and I walked back to my hotel wasted and satisfied. The end.
 
haha it was cool for me but it sucks for the kids that fucked around with females resembling dead animals. they were really THAT bad. the kid who 69'd with shrubbery had no recollection of any of it and would believe us til we showed him on video. he made is tape over it all when we filmed us trying to get seagulls in our room and into the fridge/freezer. we didn't succeed but we got close with one that had no legs.
 
hhahhahaha lets go for some bad stories, one time this dumb bitch was refusing to give me head, so then she gave me hand and made my dick bleed and i was like wtf you dumb bitch listen next time.
 
hand jobs are so gay, i can give myself a hand job and i'm probably 100x better at it than she would be so fuckkkk that shit
 
That's the girl you marry. You never know when you'll randomly break both wrists, or be too lazy to masturbate.
 
i'm thinking a hefty bag haha

^ and to marrying the girl fuck that, how many dicks you think she jerked before she got to yours, hence the need for said hefty bag
 
ya dude, but id rather make her wear silk gloves to protect from std's that would feel so good

how old were you guys swiped the V card? i was 13
 
if that ever happened to me, i would go so skits and beat the shit outta the tranny... thast jst not cool
 
No you made a comment about gloves protecting from STD's, which makes no sense, because I'm not aware of any possible way to get an STD (VD) from a hand.
 
did a jewish girl and in the morning when i tried leaving, she stood naked in the doorway saying, "im touching myself" and wouldnt let me leave. when i did get out she whispered in my ear, "youll never see me again... never"
 
Okay, this story is about my "friend" and not me. It was the middle of summer, literally 110 degrees outside and the A/C inside the house was broken. As you can imagine, there was some sweating and stinking on the girls part. He was letting his fingers speak the words his mouth couldn't say, if you know what I mean, and that led to other things. They end up going to Jack in the Box for tacos right after and he for some reason didn't wash his hands. He takes his taco in his hand and holds it up to his mouth to take a bite. Coincidentally, his fingers are RIGHT by his nose which stink like holy hell. He gags from her stench and screams like a little girl before even taking a bite of his taco. Good thing he already had his taco for the day.
 
I spent 10 minutes puking one night, and i had no business being awake. i was crawling for my bed upstairs when i was snagged by my sister's friend and then i believe raped. it was bad
 
met kernel sanders' wife in the state of kentucky

she said shed fry some chicken if you just fuck me

i came in her mouth

it was a crisis

I GAVE HER MY SECRET BLEND OF HERBS AND SPICES!
 
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