Sex, Attraction, and Awkwardness

S

skimanskimanskim

Active member
Hello all! Thank you to all who participated in the Mental Adversity survey, we received an unbelievable amount of valuable information.

I'm running another survey (link below) which explores insecurities and awkwardness in the context of interacting with individuals that you find attractive. The intention of this survey is to better understand specific insecurities and feelings of awkwardness which - for many individuals - arise when they interact with a person who they find attractive. The goal of the survey is to catalog the resources individuals currently use to prevent or alleviate such discomfort, and furthermore to gauge the potential structure of an improved, yet-to-be-developed resource which might better serve these individuals.

A huge thank you for your participation!
https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7X9PG6Y
 
Wow, I can relate to these surveys a lot.

Alcohol and weed make me more awkward. I talk more but I say such stupid shit that it just cancels it all out. I'm such a shy person until I get to know you, I hate it. I see all these people not giving a shit and talking to everyone and then there's me, being all awkward.

Part of me what's to blame phones and the internet for that. Like in the past few years so many conversations have been through text or something so when you actually have to talk face to face it's a lot different. Also, I developed a slight stutter after my last concussion so that just adds to my awkwardness. Good times, let me tell ya.
 
Done. Me and my friends do the slap game. If you see a chicka around campus or out at night whom you find attractive and want their number, you must tell said friends you want her number. By the next day you don't have it, friends get free face slaps. 3 roomates= 3 slaps. I got over the awkwardness really quick soon after we started this and got many numbers
 
I don't hit on people I'm attracted to because they're guys and most guys don't like guys. The funny thing is I have no problems with girls. I could go somewhere and hook up with a chick pretty easily and sometimes end up flirting with them just for fun kind of but then I'm like fuck and bail on the situation. Also sometimes girls are really horny and wont take no for an answer and then I run away. Occasionally if I've really drunk or into them in some weird friend thing I'll just roll with it.

Idk, it's kind of dumb I guess because I can't find a guy if I don't look, but our view of gay people as a society is still pretty meh. An improvement but pretty meh. Also I care about not making other people feel awkward and that puts me in a weird situation.

Never been in a real relationship, not sure if it will ever happen. 25 so that's pretty bad imo. I might just get married to a lesbian and have babies.
 
13131145:Mingg said:
Wow, I can relate to these surveys a lot.

Alcohol and weed make me more awkward. I talk more but I say such stupid shit that it just cancels it all out. I'm such a shy person until I get to know you, I hate it. I see all these people not giving a shit and talking to everyone and then there's me, being all awkward.

Part of me what's to blame phones and the internet for that. Like in the past few years so many conversations have been through text or something so when you actually have to talk face to face it's a lot different. Also, I developed a slight stutter after my last concussion so that just adds to my awkwardness. Good times, let me tell ya.
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Im the same way but when I drink I care a lot less and become more confident.
 
13131362:theabortionator said:
Never been in a real relationship, not sure if it will ever happen. 25 so that's pretty bad imo. I might just get married to a lesbian and have babies.
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Golden...

Some girls are really aggressive. A couple years ago I had to get between a friend (female type) and a lesbian who would not take no for an answer.

Most guys will seem to get the message and back off if one of her friends shows up. This girl wouldn't though.
 
13131362:theabortionator said:
Never been in a real relationship, not sure if it will ever happen. 25 so that's pretty bad imo. I might just get married to a lesbian and have babies.
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Wait, I thought you got married?
 
Keep making surveys, it's pretty much self help when you are forced to write this type of stuff down.

I like to stand in the corner to observe. Occasionally, some person will come over to attempt a conversation and my laconic answers to things like, "did you have a good day skiing?" end abruptly to the word "bitch."

Stranger = Danger.
 
13131639:Rachy said:
Keep making surveys, it's pretty much self help when you are forced to write this type of stuff down.

I like to stand in the corner to observe. Occasionally, some person will come over to attempt a conversation and my laconic answers to things like, "did you have a good day skiing?" end abruptly to the word "bitch."

Stranger = Danger.
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seriously...
 
" Keep making surveys, it's pretty much self help when you are forced to write this type of stuff down.

I like to stand in the corner to observe. Occasionally, some person will come over to attempt a conversation and my laconic answers to things like, "did you have a good day skiing?" end abruptly to the word "bitch."

Stranger = Danger. "

Really glad you posted this because it gave me an answer for the final question of the survey. What is there to seek advice from? The only advice you need is that the girls that are going to reject you and be a bitch, are girls that aren't worth it and overvalue themselves anyways. You really lose nothing getting rejected off the bat. It's the girls that warm up to you, you like and then go crazy who are the ones you need to be concerned about. It's your future wife you really gotta worry about!
 
13131839:CoreyTrevor said:
Really glad you posted this because it gave me an answer for the final question of the survey. What is there to seek advice from? The only advice you need is that the girls that are going to reject you and be a bitch, are girls that aren't worth it and overvalue themselves anyways. You really lose nothing getting rejected off the bat. It's the girls that warm up to you, you like and then go crazy who are the ones you need to be concerned about. It's your future wife you really gotta worry about!
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I'm glad you posted this, although, I think it is a bit of an oversimplification. Couldn't it be possible that a girl you approached rejected you because when you walked up to her, and spoke, you acted in such a way that you were already anticipating being rejected? Often times women can act in such a way to reject someone as a test, to see how the person might react - similar to being prodded during a job interview. Human interaction is incredibly complex.

Advice can come in a variety of forms. It can be as simple as, "go and talk to women your attracted to, while sober, to build your confidence, and to graduate from those fears of rejection, inexperience, and awkwardness." From my experience and from people I've met thus far, the standard mechanism is to suppress these feelings of inadequacy by drinking, and then getting rejected quite often anyway because the underlying emotions were never addressed. The benefit of being dunk while being rejected in this way, hence why people drink alcohol chronically, is that the negative result is diminished due to the numbing of embarrassment and pain from the failure that results. People also begin to blame alcohol as to why they weren't able to talk to someone they were interested ("I was just too drunk to talk to her, I couldn't speak well"). Alcohol becomes a scapegoat for the poor performance and subsequent rejection, yet continues to be the chronic crutch used to suppress feelings of inadequacy so these types of interactions can continue - again, and again - while the underlying fears, emotions, and insecurities are never faced.

If you wanted to learn a new trick, had tried it a few times without confidence and failed, would you decide that the trick wasn't for you because of it's inherent nature? What if Wallisch skied up to you and said - "Hey man, that's the feeling I get every time I try a new trick. Just keep sending it and you'll start feeling better about doing it next time!" That's the advice we're talking about here. Avoiding rejection is not going to lead you to experience acceptance, just like avoiding fear will never lead you to feel courage.
 
13131839:CoreyTrevor said:
" Keep making surveys, it's pretty much self help when you are forced to write this type of stuff down.

I like to stand in the corner to observe. Occasionally, some person will come over to attempt a conversation and my laconic answers to things like, "did you have a good day skiing?" end abruptly to the word "bitch."

Stranger = Danger. "

Really glad you posted this because it gave me an answer for the final question of the survey. What is there to seek advice from? The only advice you need is that the girls that are going to reject you and be a bitch, are girls that aren't worth it and overvalue themselves anyways. You really lose nothing getting rejected off the bat. It's the girls that warm up to you, you like and then go crazy who are the ones you need to be concerned about. It's your future wife you really gotta worry about!
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This was a survey of social awkwardness...

It's typically your type that throws out the word "bitch," and leaves me on the verge of a panic attack. I enjoy living in a small town because it allows me to really get to know people and generally go out with out fear. When it's busy, I like to stay in back and observe and enjoy my drink and occasionally have friends come and say hello in between their shots. This is enough for me. When a stranger approaches, I'm awkward. I don't know how to react. I say the wrong things.

There are a whole lot of people out there that don't know how to deal with unfamiliar people/surroundings, you don't need to assume we are all bitches or assholes.

I'm sorry that some girls are mean to you.
 
13131953:AndrewHolson said:
I'm glad you posted this, although, I think it is a bit of an oversimplification. Couldn't it be possible that a girl you approached rejected you because when you walked up to her, and spoke, you acted in such a way that you were already anticipating being rejected? Often times women can act in such a way to reject someone as a test, to see how the person might react - similar to being prodded during a job interview. Human interaction is incredibly complex.

I also completely ignored that it's often the case that the person who you interact with may feel just as uncomfortable as you do. You perceive there response as rejection, but rather, they're feeling just as awkward. The extent of our self-consciousness causes us to constantly think that something that happens is in response to US, rather than perhaps some other factor.
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I just have a huge problem with the confidence issue in certain settings. Like in a club where I don't really know anybody. I just don't know I can create a conversation from no common points of interest.

I think at a house party where you meet new people its a little bit easyer. Similar types of people will be there,you have friends to talk to who can help you out, etc.

I don't know.....i think i just suck at being a single dude.
 
13131539:Mingg said:
Wait, I thought you got married?
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That might not have happened. Although I did get married to a girl at moe.down in 2010. Might have been tripping or god knows what else. HAd a ceremony in an easy up late night. HAd somebody do the vows, he had a jester hat so I'm pretty sure he was an ordained minister. Exchanged moonshine grapes. It was pretty cool. Then at super ball in 2011 got some weird group marriage. Me this guy and two girls all somehow ended up kicking it together and just all being on some plane that I can't really explain but it was amazing. I wish I could find the photo of us all that night because Jerry died later that summer RIP.

Ive proposed to a girl or two I think and may have gotten married other times but those were the semi legit kind of almost ones.

/sorry if anyone actually read that

13131839:CoreyTrevor said:
Really glad you posted this because it gave me an answer for the final question of the survey. What is there to seek advice from? The only advice you need is that the girls that are going to reject you and be a bitch, are girls that aren't worth it and overvalue themselves anyways.
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Just because a girl rejects you does not me she's a bitch or overvalues herself. Though that could be a possibility it's generally a small one. Just as you have different interests in girls they have different interests in guys. If somebody thinks every girl should be with them, they over value themselves. And saying "she's not worth it" just because she doesn't want to go out with you is sour grapes.
 
13132774:theabortionator said:
Just because a girl rejects you does not me she's a bitch or overvalues herself. Though that could be a possibility it's generally a small one. Just as you have different interests in girls they have different interests in guys. If somebody thinks every girl should be with them, they over value themselves. And saying "she's not worth it" just because she doesn't want to go out with you is sour grapes.
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Exactly, I don't think it can be explained any better. If you really break it down, it's not really even anything all that personal if someone rejects you. If you forge a friendship with someone new (that is as simple as just getting in a conversation with someone), would you be upset if the other person wasn't very interested in you or if the two of you didn't click together? Of course not, and that happens all the time. No girl is interested in every guy, even if they're attractive, nor do they owe every guy some amount of time to see if they are of value - the notion is just backwards.
 
13132901:AndrewHolson said:
No girl is interested in every guy, even if they're attractive, nor do they owe every guy some amount of time to see if they are of value - the notion is just backwards.
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This.

For some reason girls always need to have a valid excuse to get guys to back off when they are being hit on. The number of times girls either say they have a boyfriend or are homosexual because that is the only way the dude will leave them alone... Blah. Its crazy that a "no I'm not interested" isnt enough. If a girl (politely) say that she is not interested the dude will most of them time continue to try and convince her, or call her a bitch and get upset over it. I wish it was as easy as turning down telemarketers or something, you know? A simple no thank you and it wouldnt come off as rude or bitchy.

Since Im a girl I dont know what dudes go through, but I would love to know. Hearing stuff here like "girls are crazy and dont take no for an answer" is so foreign to me haha. I mean, of course this is generalisations, but I figure that the girls who dont take no for an answer are either the over confident ones, ooor those with low selfesteem who are attracted to guys who know "the Game" by heart haha.
 
13132907:Jane6 said:
For some reason girls always need to have a valid excuse to get guys to back off when they are being hit on. The number of times girls either say they have a boyfriend or are homosexual because that is the only way the dude will leave them alone... Blah. Its crazy that a "no I'm not interested" isnt enough. If a girl (politely) say that she is not interested the dude will most of them time continue to try and convince her, or call her a bitch and get upset over it. I wish it was as easy as turning down telemarketers or something, you know? A simple no thank you and it wouldnt come off as rude or bitchy.
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Exactly, except what we consider a valid excuse and what these guys consider a valid excuse is completely different. I can have a thousand reasons that I'm not into something. Maybe I'm stressed out by school, maybe I'm tired, maybe I have to get up early for work, maybe I feel crampy and sick, maybe I'm not horny, maybe I'm hanging out with a friend who is about to leave the country for a year, maybe I don't find the guy physically attractive, maybe I'm not interested in guys that are trying to hookup before so much as asking my name, maybe I'm already dating someone. And I'm not required to give you these reasons, or even have a reason, because I don't owe you sex. I don't owe you anything, I don't even know you. So if I decide I'm not interested in talking to you that should be the end of the story. But it doesn't seem to matter, any response I give results in being called a bitch or a whore and occasionally in the guy getting pushy. So many guys will argue with me for a prolonged period of time when I say I'm not interested - as if in doing so they can change my mind rather than further confirm their dickwad status.

It makes it hard to meet guys in situations like bars because the second they approach there's a certain degree of anxiety, where I'm desperately figuring out how to get away from them without making them angry before I actually consider whether I'm interested in them or not. So yes I'll lie and say I'm a lesbian (often doesn't work) or have a boyfriend (also often doesn't work) or bide my time with the guy until I can make my escape to the washroom. My friends used to only go to a club if there was a guy in our group who was prepared to act as boyfriend-on-demand - and you know what? The guy who argued with me when I said I wasn't interested? Who argued that it didn't matter when I said I was in a relationship? The second faux-boyfriend (or real boyfriend if I'm actually in a relationship) approached? He apologized. And not to me. To faux-boyfriend. For encroaching on his fucking property.

So no, I'm not bitchy or crazy, you're just an entitled asshole incapable of looking at anything past his own bruised ego.

... as a side note. When I actually am interested in someone I don't have any of these anxieties. I can approach them, talk to them, joke around with them, whatever no problem. Maybe it's because I have enough experience on the other side of things to not take it personally when rejected?
 
13133218:milk_man said:
The way I look at it is if you hook up with people you don't actually want a real relationship
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That's a stupid way to look at it. Are you saying that you shouldn't hook up with someone until you're in an official relationship with them?
 
Jane6

Hearing stuff here like "girls are crazy and dont take no for an answer" is so foreign to me haha."

I don't think it's generally that as bad and definitely not as widespread as what girls encounter but it's out there. I had a girl in school that would put notes in my locker all the time and shit like that. Weird.

And chicks that won't take no. I think sometimes if a girl is super horny and selects you she just goes primal. The logic of no I don't want to fuck you makes no sense. I got dragged into this room by some horny chick at my buddies school. Told her I wasn't into it. I think there was some more weird shit and then some how I ended up back at her room. Not sure how that happened. Maybe she lied to me about where we were going. Maybe I was drunk and didn't process it. Anyway was sitting there on her bed trying to make an escape plan. I think I pretty much just ran away. Then when I got back to my friends house I texted him directions to said chicks room and that she would probably tackle him and do him if he knocked on the door. Figured maybe he'd want to get laid on the way back home. Unfortunately he didn't do it though. Would have been epic.

I've given in a few times and bones some girls for the hell of it. I woke up in a room once with some chick riding me and just went with it. I was like, this is weird but whatever. If it was the other way around it would have been considered super sketchy.

And paige, that's sad to hear. I'm not into the feminist thing, I can't stand most of those people, but this is an area where women really getting the shit end of the deal. Just because you go to a club does not mean you owe every guy their sex, a date, or even your time. If you want nothing to do with somebody it should be as easy as telling them and not a whole process to get the hell away from them. And then if you finally convince them to leave you alone you're being a bitch in peoples eyes when in reality they were being a fucking douchebag.

oh well
 
13133541:theabortionator said:
And paige, that's sad to hear. I'm not into the feminist thing, I can't stand most of those people, but this is an area where women really getting the shit end of the deal. Just because you go to a club does not mean you owe every guy their sex, a date, or even your time. If you want nothing to do with somebody it should be as easy as telling them and not a whole process to get the hell away from them. And then if you finally convince them to leave you alone you're being a bitch in peoples eyes when in reality they were being a fucking douchebag.

oh well
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Yeah it's one of those things that obviously bothers me to some degree, but mostly just leaves me confused. It reminds me how thankful I am for the amazing group of friends I've got around me, both girls and guys, that aren't like that at all and will stand up for me no questions asked. And I guess it sucks, because it's one of those things where the assholes stand out and start to give everybody a bad rep, so although I know that tons of guys are friendly and respectful, sometimes it's easier to avoid them altogether rather than sift through all the shit to find the gold.
 
I'm of the opinion that bars are the worst place to meet your future mate. No quality guy/girl is going to be found there.
 
13133206:paige. said:
Exactly, except what we consider a valid excuse and what these guys consider a valid excuse is completely different. I can have a thousand reasons that I'm not into something. Maybe I'm stressed out by school, maybe I'm tired, maybe I have to get up early for work, maybe I feel crampy and sick, maybe I'm not horny, maybe I'm hanging out with a friend who is about to leave the country for a year, maybe I don't find the guy physically attractive, maybe I'm not interested in guys that are trying to hookup before so much as asking my name, maybe I'm already dating someone. And I'm not required to give you these reasons, or even have a reason, because I don't owe you sex. I don't owe you anything, I don't even know you. So if I decide I'm not interested in talking to you that should be the end of the story. But it doesn't seem to matter, any response I give results in being called a bitch or a whore and occasionally in the guy getting pushy. So many guys will argue with me for a prolonged period of time when I say I'm not interested - as if in doing so they can change my mind rather than further confirm their dickwad status.

It makes it hard to meet guys in situations like bars because the second they approach there's a certain degree of anxiety, where I'm desperately figuring out how to get away from them without making them angry before I actually consider whether I'm interested in them or not. So yes I'll lie and say I'm a lesbian (often doesn't work) or have a boyfriend (also often doesn't work) or bide my time with the guy until I can make my escape to the washroom. My friends used to only go to a club if there was a guy in our group who was prepared to act as boyfriend-on-demand - and you know what? The guy who argued with me when I said I wasn't interested? Who argued that it didn't matter when I said I was in a relationship? The second faux-boyfriend (or real boyfriend if I'm actually in a relationship) approached? He apologized. And not to me. To faux-boyfriend. For encroaching on his fucking property.

So no, I'm not bitchy or crazy, you're just an entitled asshole incapable of looking at anything past his own bruised ego.

... as a side note. When I actually am interested in someone I don't have any of these anxieties. I can approach them, talk to them, joke around with them, whatever no problem. Maybe it's because I have enough experience on the other side of things to not take it personally when rejected?
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Youre approach to every guy in a setting is pretty weak. You dont owe an explanation as to why you wouldn't sleep with a guy, but you shouldn't assume, but you also are assuming without any knowledge every dude wants to bang you. And, speaking for myself and my friends, just because we see or begin talking to an attractive girl it doesn't mean we're trying to get in their pants. If there's a hot girl you just arent vibing with, there's nothing wrong with backing down. Even with the thought of a hookup or dating might cross my mind, im perfectly content getting to know someone on a completely platonic level if they aren't down to make sexy time.That goes for everyone, male or female, hot or not. I try to treat everyone with an equal amount of respect. If they don't want to talk or I decide I don't, thats fine too. I just do it without discrimination to gender.

While you don't owe anyone a reason for why you are giving them the cold shoulder, don't expect anyone to see you as anything but a judgmental person.

Of course a bar is different, but who the fuck goes to a straight bar just to turn down guys? If you don't want to get hit on by creeps all night, dont go to a dance club. Go to a concert, go to a lez bar, have a bonfire with the people you actually want to be around. What the fuck do you think is going to happen, why do you think almost everyone is there?

You don't have to say yes, you don't owe anyone shit, but a shitty attitude never got anyone anywhere.
 
Idk about you but sometimes I go to bar to get drunk. That is my reason for going to a bar. Not everyone goes to bars strictly to meet people to fuck.

Or maybe they do and I'm just doing it wrong.
 
13133844:theabortionator said:
Idk about you but sometimes I go to bar to get drunk. That is my reason for going to a bar. Not everyone goes to bars strictly to meet people to fuck.

Or maybe they do and I'm just doing it wrong.
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no, you're right. Plenty of us go out to drink without trying to fuck. Assuming thats all we do is pretty shortsighted.
 
13133845:Lord_Byron said:
no, you're right. Plenty of us go out to drink without trying to fuck.
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We tell ourselves that, until we get into a relationship and then one day realize that we haven't stepped foot in a bar in months. Interesting correlation...
 
13133852:lIllI said:
We tell ourselves that, until we get into a relationship and then one day realize that we haven't stepped foot in a bar in months. Interesting correlation...
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I have a girlfriend, and im leaving for a bar in about 10 min with some friends.0 intentions of getting laid.
 
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