Korny jokes that took you a secondd...

so a kid is sitting on a park bench stuffing candy bars in his mouth one after the other, and an old dude sitting across from him says "you know, eating all those candy bars is gonna make you fat, give you acne and rot your teeth out." the kid replies "you know, my grand father lived to be 109 years old" to which the old dude says "oh yeah? did he eat candy bars like that all day?" the kid replies "no. he knew how to keep his fuckin mouth shut."
 
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have you guys heard about that new movie constipation?

well it hasnt come out yet, its supposed to be huge.

theres more to it i just forgot.
 
on a related note, we were reading shakespeare the other day in english. one of the words in the reading was abreast (afar, far away, etc...). well this one very gay kid (not joking, we legitimately think he may be gay), just outta nowhere and after a long silence due to reading, just raised up and asked loudly "What's Abreast?"

after about 3 seconds of shock, everyone in the class just broke out in laughter
 
so a mom and her daughter are in the shower together and the daughter points at he mothers breasts and says mommy when am i gonna get some of those and she says when your older. so the next day she is in the shower with her dad and points at his dick and says danny when will i get one of those and the dad screams Right Now !!!
 
This fellow and a giraffe walk into a bar, I giraffe goes to sleep on the floor, bartender says whats that layin there. Fellow says that's not a lion that's a giraffe.

Not hard to get, and really lame, but I laughed.
 
Accounting joke here...

CEO of the company goes down to his finance department asks them what 2+2 equals. They respond with 4. CEO then walks to his law department and asks what 2+2 equals. They respond with a number between 3 and 5. Finally, the CEO walks down to his Accounting department and asks the same question, what is 2+2. They respond with: What do you want it to equal?

 
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gangrape.

What's funnier than swinging a baby around your head with a 5 foot rope?

Stopping it with a shovel.

Three men walk into a bar. Two go and find a seat while the other heads to the bar to buy the first round. As he approaches the barman, the barman can't help but notice how well-to-do this man looks. He is covered head to toe in the finest garments and jewelry, he is even wearing a crown, a monocle, and carrying a scepter. In short, all the trappings of a cartoon billionaire.

As the bar man is pulling the pints he remarks to the gentleman: "I hope you don't think I'm prying, but, I couldn't help but notice you seem pretty well off. How, may I ask did you come into such a fortune?"

The man replies: "Well, me and my friends over there found a genie in a beer bottle outside, and he granted us each a wish."

Barman: "So, I take it you wished to be the richest man in the world."

The man puts one finger on his nose, and points at the barman with the other hand, as you would in a game of charades.

Barman: "Not a bad choice at all if I do say so."

The man nods politely, pays for the round and goes over to his friends.

After a while, the second man goes up to the bar. This man is notable only insofar as he can barely be seen for all the beautiful women draped around him, seemingly caressing every available inch of his body.

He orders another round, which the barman dutifully pulls. As he finishes off the last pint he can't help but comment: "I hope you don't mind me asking but, you are a friend of that wealthy gentlemen over there aren't you?"

"I am indeed," murmurs the man from beneath the pile of beauties.

"And you wished to be the most attractive man in the world?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Excellent choice sir, enjoy your round," says the barman with the kind of knowing smile you tend to see on people vicariously appreciating the implied sexual exploits of a stranger.

So he shuffles back to the table and he and his friends have their drinks. Not long later the third man approaches the bar and asks for another round. The barman cannot help but notice this man has an orange for a head. But he carries on pulling the pints in silence, until he cannot contain himself any longer and asks:

"You found the genie too, right?"

"That's correct," replies the man with an orange for a head.

"And what did you wish for, if you don't mind my asking?"

"I wished to have an orange for a head."
 
what do you call a chinese lady with one leg longer then the other?

-irene

what goes ha ha ha thump?

- someone laughing their head off.
 
so 2 cats are sitting in a window and looking outside for birds. One cat says to the other: "there's a bird coming right at us" The other cat says "alright, lets spray the window with some windex so if flys into the window" So the cat gets the windex and goes outside to spray the window so the bird doesn't see its reflection...but the bird sees the cat cleaning and realizes there's a window there so flys the other way and then gets hit by a car.

 
A golfer was about to finish the whole, when a man came up and said "your father is dead"

The golfer paused a moment, then picked up his putter and said, "this one's for pa."
 
So Sven and Ollie walk into the local bar and are all excited, high fiving each other, sayin "yea! we did!" and congratulating each other.

after ordering their beers, the bartender asks, "So Sven and Ollie, why are you guys so excited?"

Sven says, "We just completed our puzzle in just 27 days!"

The Bartender replies, "I guess I just dont see why thats such a big accomplishment?"

Ollie replies, "Well the box said 2 to 4 years!"
 
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