Jokes

You may have heard that the Canadian government has decided to assist the USA in the war against terrorism. They have agreed to send:

6000 ground troops

2 of their largest battleships

6 fighter jets

After the exchange rate the USA will receive:

2 mounties

1 canoe

a bunch of flying squirrels

welcome to hitchen's bitchin kitchen.

my name is Jesse, and i will be serving u today

-today our special is peach-mango tofu. If u don't like it u can get out!
 
AHAHAHA! Thats awesome!

____________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get that out of the way, then go live in an old folks home, then you should get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then on your first day at work you should get a gold watch. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement, you go drinking and partying, then get ready for high school. You go to elementary school, become a kid, you play, you have no responsiblities, you become a little baby, you go back and spend your last 9 months floating around in a spa and then you finish up as an orgasm!
 
Whats the differance between 1000 dead babies and a cadilac???

I dont have a cadilac in my garage

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
Three blonds are walking through the woods when they come across some tracks...

The first blond says there rabbit tracks, the second says there deer tracks and the third says there bear tracks...

they keep arguing and arguing about it until they get hit by a train

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
Why did the blond have squre tits???

she forgot to take the tisue out of the box

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
Two Italian men get onto a city bus. Yhey sit beside and older women as they sit down the lady hears them talking dirty. She ignores them at first until she hears.... 'Emma come first.Den i come.Den two butts come together.I come once-a-more.Two butts come together again.I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.

The old lady turns to them and yells 'you foul mouthed swine we dont talk about our sex lives in public here!!'

whosa talking abouta sexa said the man' i was justa tellin my friend how to spell mississippi'

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
the doctor cause he says take off your clothes.

the dentist cause he says open wide.

the milkman cause he says do you want it in the front or back.

the hairdresser cause he says do you want it teased or blown.

the interior decorator cause he says once it's in you will love it!

and the banker cause he says if you take it out too soon you will lose interest

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
One day a blond went into a corn field with a row boat and was trying to row. Well another blond lady stoped her car and said:

'what are you doing?!'

'Im rowing my boat in this here lake of corn!' she shouted back

then the woman from the car yelled:

'You idiot! Its the dumb blondes like you that make us others look stupid'...then she said 'and i would come out there and beat your ass, but i cant swim!'

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
Miss Adams was teaching her class syllables and she asked if anyone knew any multisyllable words. Little Johnny raised his hand and said 'aniteroticism.' Miss Adams said 'wow Johnny, you just said a mouthful!' and Johnny said 'no Miss Adams, I'm talking about masturbation. You're thinking of a blowjob.'

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
How do you know if a blond girl has a blond boy friend?

Her belly botten's bruised

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
How do you now if a blonde has been in your car?

The gear stick is wet!!

Le vie né pas simple. La mienne et horrible, les gars me rend pleurer toujours.. je donne j'amais mon coeur a un autre gars. çe fini maintenant.
 
hhahha nice.... if I was any blonder I'd be offended.... but I'm not so....

Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.

'Never underestimate the power of the handicapped'
 
How do you know if a blonds been using the computer?

The is white out all over the screen

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
How do u know a blonde was making chocolate chip cookies?

-M'n M shells are all over the floor.

A blonde calls here freind over to help her finish a puzzle she is working on. He asks her what it is and she says 'its a rooster, Its impossible. I can't get any of the peices to fit'. He comes over looks at the puzzle and says 'put the cornflakes back in the box'

welcome to hitchen's bitchin kitchen.

my name is Jesse, and i will be serving u today

-today our special is peach-mango tofu. If u don't like it u can get out!
 
A blonde and a group of her blonde friends walk into a bar and get a bottle of champagne and make a toast to '40 days'. then another group comes in and the same celebraations occur. After 5 or so gropups the barkeep asks 'whats the fuss about'. So hte first blonde says 'well we were annoyed with all the rumors going around that we were stupid so we set out to prove them wrong. We all put together and did a jigsaw in 40 days' 'what so good about that' says the barkeep 'well it said 2-4 years on the box

2 Blondes walk into a building. You thought one of them would've noticed it

whats 6.9 to a blonde. A 69 interupted by a period

 
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 7 year old, 'I think it's about time we start swearing.' The 4 year old nods in approval. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first,then you swear after me, ok?' 'Ok' the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the

7 year old what he wants for breakfast. 'Oh, shit mum,I guess I'll have some Coco Pops' WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?!

'I don't know,but you can bet your fuckin arse it won't be Coco Pops.'

I like my chicks like my whips, topless
 
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat

right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is

empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbor. 'The seat is empty.' 'This is incredible', said the

man.

'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of

the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?' The neighbor says 'Well, actually,

the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she

passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since

we got married in 1967.' 'Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that.

That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative,

or even a neighbor to take the seat?' The man shakes his head,

'No.They're all at the funeral.'

____________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get that out of the way, then go live in an old folks home, then you should get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then on your first day at work you should get a gold watch. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement, you go drinking and partying, then get ready for high school. You go to elementary school, become a kid, you play, you have no responsiblities, you become a little baby, you go back and spend your last 9 months floating around in a spa and then you finish up as an orgasm!
 
How do u keep a baby from falling into a manhole?

Stick a javelin through its head.

two broken arms and I'm trying to wipe my but.
 
here`s some shitty lightbulp jokes:

How many sovinists do u need to change the kitchens lightbulp??

None. They let the fat-ass bitch wash dishes in dark!

how many real men do u need to change the lightbulp?

none. Real men don`t fear the dark??

HAHAA very funny(or not!)

and because its impossible to translate some jokes in different languages, here`s one in finnish.If you can, read and enjoy!!

Mitä ruotsalaisalokas tekee marssitauolla?

imee/vetelee kessua!

Me need snow!!
 
yup, too bad that its impossible to translate in any other language i know `bout million swede jokes!! no offence i really like you swedish people

Me need snow!!
 
Little Johnny is sitting in biology class, and the teacher explains that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. 'Not correct, Miss!' he says.

'Please explain, Johnny,' replies the teacher.

'Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 'fffffff!ffffffff!fffffff!', and before he could say 'FUCK OFF!', the dog ate him!'

I like my chicks like my whips, topless
 
What has six arms and sucks?

Blink 182

Marge: Homer, stop picking at it.

Homer (with donut head): Oh, but I'm so sweet and tasty. Well, time to go to work.

Lisa: Dad, I wouldn't go outside if I were you.

[Chief Wiggum and a lot of cops stand on the street outside]

Wiggum: Don't worry, boys. He's gotta come outta there sometime.
 
A business man packing for a trip

glances in his briefcase.

'Honey?'

'Yes, darling?'

'Honey,' he says, in mild exasperation,

'why do you persist in putting a condom

in my briefcase every time I go on a

trip? You know I only have eyes for

you. I'd never be unfaithful.'

'Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,'

she replies sweetly, 'It's just that,

well you know, with all those terrible

diseases out there, it would make me

feel better to know that if anything

did happen, you'd be protected.

So please, darling, take it with

you, won't you? For my sake?'

'Oh, alright, if you put it that

way,' he relented, 'I'll do it for

you. But for Pete's sake,

give me more than one!'

Me need snow!!
 
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?' The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.' The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze.' The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?' The first kid says, 'A circumcision.' And the second kid says, 'Whoa! Good luck buddy, I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year!'

____________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get that out of the way, then go live in an old folks home, then you should get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then on your first day at work you should get a gold watch. You work 40 years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement, you go drinking and partying, then get ready for high school. You go to elementary school, become a kid, you play, you have no responsiblities, you become a little baby, you go back and spend your last 9 months floating around in a spa and then you finish up as an orgasm!
 
What is the difference between an orange and a bicycle?

A Pizza because a vest has no sleeves...

heres another:

What is green, brown, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and can kill u if it falls from a tree?

a pool table

~Dont hate me because Im beautiful, hate me because your woman thinks i am~

 
allright there are two penquins sitting in a bathtub, Penquin number 1 says to Penquin number two 'pass the rubber ducky' Penquin number 2 says to penquin number 1 ' what do i look like a fucking typewriter'

___________________

Paulou

Call me the bus driver cause im going to take you to school
 
when blondes have more fun, do they know it???

--------------------

Me not like pro basketball, cause me short and they all tall. baseball slow like forest gump, except when robbie spits on ump. wrestlemania not that great. Me like to see hulk hogan skate. TV soccer not that hot. u play that and u get shot.
 
I got some good ones:

Whats the shame about 2 pakis driving off a cliff?

you coulda fit 3 more in the back

-how do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?

nail his other foot to the floor

- What do you call a paki with 2 wooden legs?

a waste of wood

- There's three vampires in a vampire bar.

the first one goes 'blood, straight up'

bartender gives it to him

the second goes' blood on the rocks'

bartender gives it to him

the third vampire asks for a cup of hot water.

The bartender is like what the fuck? why the fuck do you want water?

he says' just give it to me'

so the bartender brings the water over, he pulls out a bloody tampon and says' I'm having tea'

why do blondes have square boobs? they forget to take the kleenex outta the box

the only thing wrong with snowboarders is that they snowboard
 
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. After three years of research and costs in

excess of $250,000, they concluded that it was to provide women with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the German study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research at a cost of around $75, the Aussie study reached a conclusion. The reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to

prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

I got nothin.
 
DEEP THOUGHTS....by Jack Handey

>

>Next time you have a bad day, imagine this:

>You are a siamese twin.

>Your brother that is attached to you at the shoulder

>is gay.

>You are not.

>But you only have one ass.

>

>Have a nice day!!

>

I like my bird! - Dave Pauls
 
After getting all Pope's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Eminence.' Says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive

at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone

to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,'

says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to

105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one

look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. 'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the

radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and

five.

'So bust him,' said the Chief.

'I think the guy's a big shot,' said the cop.

'All the more reason.'

'No, I mean really a big shot,' said the cop.

'What'd ya got there, the Mayor?'

'Bigger.'

'Governor.'

'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

'I don't know,' said the cop, 'but the Pope is his chauffeur.

--------------------

Me not like pro basketball, cause me short and they all tall. baseball slow like forest gump, except when robbie spits on ump. wrestlemania not that great. Me like to see hulk hogan skate. TV soccer not that hot. u play that and u get shot.
 
HOW DO YOU MAKE A JEWISH WOMAN SCREAM TWICE??

FUCK HER IN THE ASS THEN WIPE YOUR DICK ON THE DRAPES

kids:hey giligan! did u eat the skipper

tommyboy:you better pray to the god you skinny little punks that this wind doesnt pick up or else ill come over there and jam an oar up your ass!!!
 
whhattt five0

-_~-_~-_~-_~-_~

'I'm not a deadbeat, low life kid that's going to be a high school dropout.' - Tanner Hall...

...Well said, Tanner.
 
lol My friend, Kash, is on the phone telling me jokes in Polish. It's GREAT.

Me: 'How come every time we talk, the subject of my mum using drugs comes up?'

James: 'It doesn't.'

Me: 'It does though.'

James: 'Yeah, it really does.'

(Ten minutes later.)

James: 'Ha! Your mum on drugs!!!'
 
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's enjoying it, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, he somehow

swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, 'Did you see what your monkey did?' The guy says, 'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replies the guy. 'He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.'The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the

monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with

him.He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.'No, what?' replies the guy.'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!'says the bartender.'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replies the guy. 'He still eats everything in sight but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.'

____________________________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

 
- What would you call it when an Italian has one

arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

- What does it mean when the flag at the Post

Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

- Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future

either.

- What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching

us geography
 
whats the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?

when your driving in the fog you cant see the asshole in front of you!

kids:hey giligan! did u eat the skipper

tommyboy:you better pray to the god you skinny little punks that this wind doesnt pick up or else ill come over there and jam an oar up your ass!!!
 
Q: What's the difference between a sports car and a dead baby?

A: I don't have a sports car in my garage.

It's not very good, and I'm not a fan of dead baby jokes, but that's the latest one that I've heard.

Me: 'How come every time we talk, the subject of my mum using drugs comes up?'

James: 'It doesn't.'

Me: 'It does though.'

James: 'Yeah, it really does.'

(Ten minutes later.)

James: 'Ha! Your mum on drugs!!!'

 
Gotta bring it back up top. Keep posting guys!

____________________________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

 
OK i'm wrting this from memory so bare with me. Sounds best with a funky accent for the deamon.

This guy DIES and goes to HELL. So he's all sad, he's sobbing and bawling his eyes out. And then this daemon see him and goes up to him.

'whats wrong buddy' asks the deamon

'WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK? I'M IN HELL FOR FUCKS SAKE' replies the man

'Oooooooh it's not so bad here, infact, do you smoke? the deamon replys

'ya'

'well then you'll love mondays! we smoke and smoke all day and play cards, and you can't get lung cancer cause you're already dead!'

'wow'; says the man'that sounds pretty shibby'

'ya, are you a drinking man?' asks the deamon

'yup!'

'ahh then you'l LOVE wensday! We drink all night long with the best quality of every type of drink, and best off all NO HANGOVERS!'

'Man, hell sounds really sweet now' Says the man

'oh it is' replys the devil 'are you gay'?

'no' replys the man

'ooooooh your not going to like saturday......'

SCHOOL GO BOOM NOW! - sign protesting our crumbly school.
 
Tarzan and Jane are talking about sex and Jane asks Tarzan if he's ever done it before.

'Tarzan have sex with tree all the time' He says.

'Well we'll just have to show you what its like with a woman then won't we' Jane says as she starts taking off her clothes.

Just before Jane reaches to kiss him, Tarzan kicks her in the box! Jane rolls around in agony for a while and when she finally catches her breath she asks Tarzan why the Hell he did that?

Tarzan replies. 'Me check for bees'.

____________________________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'

 
'i jerk off so much that when i have sex with my girlfriend i feel like im cheating on my penis'

----------------------------------------

HI MOM,HI MIKE NICK:andy and adam making fun of another Line person

'i jerk off so much that when i have sex with my girlfriend i feel like im cheating on my dick'

'when i was little i used to think being crazy was not putting the safety harness when i was on the merry go round horse..now i fly down mountains strapped to pieces of wood and go off jumps in an attempt to put space between my feet and the ground'

newschoolers.com anthem dedicated to all skiiers

 
A girl just had the best sex of he life, so she says to the guy, honey i heard u sleep around alot and that your a pedifile.

So he says:

Pedifile? thats a pretty big word for an 8 year old.

... but whatever the leaders of our sport are crack addicts so who knows whats gonna happen.'

-Schwags

THC (triple Hybrid Core)

is just soemthing tanner Hall made up

THC is 'conincidently' the name of the drug in Marijuana... And the designers of the skis 'conincindently' smoke so much weed
 
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his bmw into a gas station in a remote part of the Island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

'Morning, bye' says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick 'hello' and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fallout of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

'What are dey fer, buddy?' asks the attendant.

'They're called tees' replies Tiger.

'Well, what on de good earth are dey fer?' inquires the Newfie.

'They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving' says Tiger.

'Mother of Jaysus' says the Newfie, 'Dem felllers at BMW tinks of everyting.'

pro's arn't just normal people. they are robots made by the ski companies
 
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