Jokes

Uuuuuhhhhhhggggg...

What's most disurbing than ten dead babies in a barrel. ten dead babbies in a hunred barrels.

-Gabe Lumintn

What this week's anagram?
 
Ok so a guy comes home early from a long day of work and finds his wife in bed with another man. He kicks her out and ties up the guy and drags him to the garage where he proceeds to clamp his dick into a vice that bolted to his work bench. He then takes out the handle so the guy cant loosen himself out, the guy starts freaking out and asking if he is going to cut his dick off. The husband just laughs and says no, then hands him an old hacksaw and says... but I am going to set the garage on fire!

hahaha now the question is what would you do? burn to death or saw off you dick and escape?

Blah Blah Blah
 
This is fucking wrong:

Q:How do you get ten dead babies out of a blender?

A:Tortilla Chips

I can see the messages from offended people flowing in. I will give you my answer now and save you the trouble of messaging me: I DID NOT make it up. I merely told it.

--------------------

You are a sacred beam of light projected into reality for a purpose. Demand your right to your moment in this holographic gift with no rules and no boarders except for those you choose to accept and live by. - Corporate Avenger
 
What have Miller Beer and making love in a boat in common? --- Both is fucking close to water!

~~~Drink, Fuck and SKI~~~
 
what's funnyer than a dead baby???

A dead baby in a clown suit.

what's very dark green, sits in the corner and doesn't move????

A baby in a garbage bag.

What's the difference between a truck load of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies????

You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.

'Hey... I drive a foreign car. I can drive in the left lane.'
 
Two whales were swimming in the bay when they

noticed the whaling boat that killed and harpooned

their brother. The first whale says to the second

whale, 'Hey, there is that boat that harpooned and

killed our brother. Let's go swim underneath the boat, blow out of our blowholes, and then the boat will tip over, and all the fisherman will drown in the icy sea!!'

The second whale agrees, so they begin to get theirrevenge. They swim under the boat, blow out their blowholes, and sure enough, the boat capsizes and all the fisherman begin to drown.

The first whale turns to the second

and says, 'Now I know what we'll do. We'll swim around and eat up all these fisherman to really get back at them!'

The second whale turns

to his brother and says, 'I don't think so; I may do blowjobs, but I don't swallow sea men.'

Where did you find it?

I don't know. I was too excited. We're in the Lesbian stronghold
 
whats worse than a dumpster full of dead babies?

a dumpster full of dead babies and one trying to eat its way out

A good friend will bail you out of jail, but your best friend will be the one sitting next to you saying 'That was fucking awesome!'
 
q: how are pink floyd and dale ernhart similar

A: their last big hit was the wall

homophobia is gay

otto: there called fingers, but have u ever seen them fing. o wait, here they go

 
Chelsea Clinton went off to college, and came back for the hollidays. Hillary was quite happy to see her and pressed her for information about college.

'So, are you enjoying college dear?', Hillary asked.

Chelsea nodded.

'And are there boys in college?' her mother asked.

This time Chelsea nodded with a mischeivious gleam in her eye.

Hillary, unable to resist and curious about her daughters activities asked, 'and are you having sex with any of these boys?'

Chelsea burst out laughing. After a moment she straightened herself out, looked straight into her mothers eyes, and said 'Not according to Dad.'

The troll stole my Santa!
 
Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

Q. Why don't women wear watches?

A. There's a clock on the stove

Q. What's the definition of trust?

A. Two cannibals giving each other a blow job

Q. What do you call a woman with no asshole?

A. Divorced

The troll stole my Santa!
 
Gay guy Joe goes to the doctor to have some tests run. The doctor comes back and says 'I'm not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.'

Joe is devestated. 'Doc, what can I do?'

The doctor says, 'I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 jalepeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.'

Joe asks, 'will this cure me doc?'

'No', the doctor replied, 'but it will give a better understanding of what your ass is for.'

The troll stole my Santa!
 
Yo ryan...to answer your question.....the dude gave you a hack saw......cut through the fucking clamp or hte work bench....bwhahaha... ;)

Matt

***Founder of the Dancing Penguin Revolution :)***

'hey, your skis go both ways. Wait, you have bi-sexual skis!' - Said to Matt Harvey by a 50 year old ski instructor

~~Phunkin' Phatt Phreerider~~

 
Whats with all the dead baby jokes??????????

Where did they come from??????

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

~aeden

-500* Fahrenheit (-295* C) Hell freezes over.

The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

Guess whats happening this YR?? Hells freezing over baby!!!!!
 
Yeah, I don't like the baby jokes!

Q: What do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?

A: Doug

Q: What do you call a guy without a shovel in his head?

A: Douglass

Q:What do you call a guy with a thousand leaves up his butt?

A: Russell

Theses are so dumb, but they are funny!

~ Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire ~

* Matty is a Dairy Queen *
 
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

Where did you find it?

I don't know. I was too excited. We're in the Lesbian stronghold
 
K, these are bad, I know, and no offense is meant to anyone, but I laugh my ass off whenever I hear these so here they are:

What do you say when you see a TV floating in the middle of the night?

FREEZE NIGGA!

How do you circumsize an Indian?

Kick his sister in the chin.

Sorry to anyone who is offended!

_____________________________________

Good friends tell you about the time they nailed that broad....BEST friends reach over, tag your hand, and say 'YOUR TURN'
 
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. 'But what the heck,' he says, 'I really want a drink.'

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, 'What's the name of your penis?'

The customer says, 'Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.'

The gay waiter says, 'I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called 'Nike,' for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his 'Snickers,' because 'It really Satisfies.'

The customer looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. The customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, 'Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?'

The man looks back and says with a smile, 'TIMEX.'

The thirsty customer asks, 'Why Timex?'

The fella proudly replies, 'Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his right, who is sipping a fruity Margarita and says, 'So, what do you call your penis?'

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, 'FORD, because 'Quality is Job 1.' ' Then he adds, 'Have you driven a Ford, lately?'

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, 'The name of my penis is 'Secret.' Now give me my beer.'

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, 'Why secret?'

The customer says, 'Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!'

 
One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her.

When she asked him why, he said, 'I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you.'

She said, 'You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.'

The cab driver then said, 'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.'

She said, 'Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.'

Immediately the cab driver said, 'Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!'

The nun said, 'Okay, pull into that alley.'

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying.

The nun said, 'My child, what's the matter?'

He said tearfully, 'Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!'

The nun replied, 'That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!

 
Bart Simpson's Lessons

A burp is not an answer.

All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

Bart Bucks are not legal tender.

Coffee is not for kids.

Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

Funny noises are not funny.

Garlic gum is not funny.

Goldfish don't bounce.

High explosives and school don't mix.

I am not a 32 year old woman.

I am not a dentist.

I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

I am not deliciously saucy.

I did not see Elvis.

I do not have diplomatic immunity.

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

I will finish what I sta

I will never win an emmy.

I will not aim for the head.

I will not barf unless I'm sick.

I will not belch the National Anthem.

I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

I will not bring sheep to class.

I will not burp in class.

I will not bury the new kid.

I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes.

I will not call the principal Spud Head.

I will not carve gods.

I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

I will not conduct my own fire drills.

I will not cut corners.

I will not defame New Orleans.

I will not do anything bad ever again.

I will not do that thing with my tongue.

I will not draw naked ladies in class.

I will not drive the principal's car.

I will not eat things for money.

I will not encourage others to fly.

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

I will not fake my way through life.

I will not fake seizures.

I will not get very far with this attitude.

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

I will not grease the monkey bars.

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

I will not instigate revolution.

I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

I will not prescribe medication.

I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.

I will not say Springfield just to get applause.

I will not sell land in Florida.

I will not sell miracle cures.

I will not sell school property.

I will not show off.

I will not skateboard in the halls.

I will not sleep through my education.

I will not snap bras.

I will not spank others.

I will not squeak chalk.

I will not teach others to fly.

I will not torment the emotionally frail.

I will not trade pants with others.

I will not waste chalk.

I will not Xerox my butt.

I will not yell Fire in a crowded classroom.

I will not yell She's Dead at roll call.

I will return the seeing-eye dog.

It's potato, not potatoe.

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

My name is not Dr. Death.

No one is interested in my underpants.

Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

Spitwads are not free speech.

Tar is not a plaything.

Teacher is not a leper.

The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.

The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

There are plenty of businesses like show business.

They are laughing at me, not with me.

This punishment is not boring and pointless.

Underwear should be worn on the inside.

 
nuts.jpg'


 
A group of people are in a sinking ship and know theyre going to die. A girl who had never had sex before announce that she was fed up and wanted someone to treat her like a real women. A man then got up, and as he approached her he was unbuttoning his shirt. He then handed her his shirt and said 'wash this'

i didnt make this up

~'dont eat me, i have a wife and kids...eat them!!' -Homer
 
Q: What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

A: Robin, get in the batmobile.

---

How many boots could three Phils fill if three Phils could fill boots?

In a few years, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
 
what do you call cheese thats not yours?

NACHO CHEESE!

*brooke*

'That's a sign that God didn't want you to burn me..'- David to Brady when the lit Concept burned out that Brady was chasin him with
 
ummmmmm...

see i ahd a funny joke but it flew out of my mind

and wtf is with all the dead baby jokes? thats kind of sick...what if you had a child and someone walked up to you and said that... grr oh well i guess it shows some level of immaturity or whatever

what do you have when you hold a dog under the water and play a board game?

Blues Clues ha ha ha.....

~*~Phunkin' Phatt Phreerider~*~

~~~

I love Stevie! :D

~~~

aim name: BlinkBabe182x6
 
theres soooooo many dead baby jokes.

what spins in circles and taps on glass?

a baby in a microwave.

whats white and red?

a dead baby.

whats white and red and green?

that same baby 3 weeks later.

whats white and red and blue?

a dead baby covered in blue paint.

---

How many boots could three Phils fill if three Phils could fill boots?

In a few years, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
 
i was told this by someone on this site.

try biting your left shoulder, then your right shoulder. what are you?

superman putting on his cape.

---

How many boots could three Phils fill if three Phils could fill boots?

In a few years, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
 
oh well mistychick its just a joke, pretty much any joke could offend someone thats why its funny, what if you had a dog wouldnt that make you sad when someone holds it under water and makes it blue, thats animal cruelty im going to cry

I like skiing
 
Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of perm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day: The first worm, in alcohol---dead. second worm, in cigarette smoke---dead. Third worm, in sperm---dead. Fourth worm, in soil alive. Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't get worms.

A hillbilly farmer decided it was time to get married, so he saddled his mule and set off for the city to find a wife. In time, he met a woman and they were married. So they both climbed up on the mule and started back for the farm.

After a while, the mule balked and refused to move. The farmer got down, found a big stick, and beat the mule until it again began to move. 'That's once,' the farmer said. A few miles later, the mule balked again, and the entire scene was repeated. After the beating, when the mule was moving again, the farmer said, 'That's twice.' A few miles later, the mule balked for a third time. The farmer got down, got his wife down, and then took out a pistol and shot the mule in the eye, killing it instantly.

'That was a stupid thing to do!' the wife shouted. 'That was a valuable animal and just because he annoyed you, you killed him! That was stupid, criminal...' and she went on like this for some time. As she stopped for breath, the farmer said, 'That's once.'

And it is said, after that they lived forever in married happiness!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

'That's my cancer wishing face' - yellowsnow4U wishing cancer upon the server that kept us away from NS
 
on opey and anthony they just said to call people and say its an emergency, your kids dead.

-_~-_~-_~-_~-_~

'I'm not a deadbeat, low life kid that's going to be a high school dropout.' - Tanner Hall...

...Well said, Tanner.
 
how do you get an elephant into a fridge?

-open the door and put him in

Why didn't the elephant cross the road?

- he was stuck in a fridge.

What did tarzan say when the elephants were coming?

-hey look, the elephants are coming.

 
what's kinda funny and all over this site.

dead baby jokes

-_~-_~-_~-_~-_~

'I'm not a deadbeat, low life kid that's going to be a high school dropout.' - Tanner Hall...

...Well said, Tanner.
 
A woman goes to a super market and buys:

One jar of mayo, One bottle of mustard, one loaf of bread, one carton of juice, one chunk of cheese, one jug of milk and one steak. When she gets to the cashier, he sees everything and says:

What, Are you Single?

She says, yeah how'd you guess

and he says:

BECAUSE YOUR BUTT UGLY!

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
Come on, Lets here some more Jokes

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
Here's some women jokes for y'all sick schovinist pigs out there:

Q: What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year?

A: They dont fucking listen

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing you already done told her twice.

Q: What's the useless skin around a vagina called?

A: The woman.

Q: Why do arabian women put a red dot on their foreheads?

A: Helps for better aiming.

Q: How many house wives does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None! what the Fuck they doing out of the kitchen!?

Ride hard, you can rest when you die.

'You know what I really want in a girl? -Me.' -Jimmy Pop
 
And some black jokes:

Q: What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?

A: A pizza can feed a family of four.

Q:What would the Jetsons be called if they were black?

A: Niggers.

Q: Why do black people play basketball?

A: They can run, shoot, and steal

Q:How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl?

A:Throw them a basket ball.

Q: What do you call a black priest?

A: Holy shit

Ride hard, you can rest when you die.

'You know what I really want in a girl? -Me.' -Jimmy Pop
 
i hope i dont offend anyone but her it goes:

q:whats the difference between a black guy and batman?

a: batman can go to the store without robbin

homophobia is gay

otto: there called fingers, but have u ever seen them fing. o wait, here they go

 
and so that other ethnic groups wouldn't feel dissed:

Q:What do you call a pakie with a wooden leg?

A:Shit on a stick.

Q: What do you call two ethiopians in a sleeping bag?

A: Twix.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico enter the Olympics?

A: Because all their best runners, jumpers and swimmers are in America.

Q: How do you kill a redneck?

A: Wait 'till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

Q: How do you kill 100 Mexicans?

A: Blow up their van.

Q: What did the little Mexican boy get for christmas?

A: My bike.

Q: How many jews can you fit in a VW Beetle?

A: 54, two in the front, two in the back, and fifty in the ashtray.

Q: Why don't Puerto Ricans have check books?

A: Because it's impossible to sign your name that small with spray paint.

Q: Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?

A: Because spray paint wasn't invented until 1949.

Q: What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity?

A: Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Q: What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

A: Drowns

Q: What does a redneck say after sex?

A: Thanks Mom.

Q: What is a redneck virgin?

A: A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Ride hard, you can rest when you die.

'You know what I really want in a girl? -Me.' -Jimmy Pop
 
ok..a blond hits a redneck while driving her car...the redneck is all pissed off, so he draws a circle on the ground and says 'stand in the circle and dont move'...the blond obays, not knowing any better...the redneck pulls out a baseball bat and starts hitting her car (to make up for the damage) and the blond starts to giggle...so he nails the door pannel and dents it in completely...the blond laughs harder, so he smashes off the miror, the blond laughs even harder...the redneck gets really pissed off and smashes the whole front window...and the blond starts laughing histarically...the redneck throughs down the bat and yells 'what, what are you laughing at????'...the blond, through burst of laughter, says 'when you werent looking i stepped out of the circle'

 


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the 'accident of evolution' had created. 'what majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-ft grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart pumped frantically and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him; reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out 'Oh my God!...' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.Even the river stopped flowing. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, ' You deny my existence for all these years; teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a beleiver?' The athiest looked directly into the light ' It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as christian now, but' said the atheist, ' perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?' 'Very well,' said the voice. the light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.'

welcome to hitchen's bitchin kitchen.

my name is Jesse, and i will be serving u today

-today our special is peach-mango tofu. If u don't like it u can get out!
 


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the 'accident of evolution' had created. 'what majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!' he said to himself

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-ft grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart pumped frantically and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him; reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out 'Oh my God!...' Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.Even the river stopped flowing. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, ' You deny my existence for all these years; teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a beleiver?' The athiest looked directly into the light ' It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as christian now, but' said the atheist, ' perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?' 'Very well,' said the voice. the light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw...brought both paws together... bowed his head and spoke: 'Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.'

welcome to hitchen's bitchin kitchen.

my name is Jesse, and i will be serving u today

-today our special is peach-mango tofu. If u don't like it u can get out!
 
I might have allready said this one but...

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the Jaw

^^^Drop into the Pipe and Smoke it^^^

(get really high)

My Neighbour's Dog has a 4 inch Clit

Quit Looking at Me SWAAAAANN! - Adam Sandler
 
A guy from Quebec and a guy from Ontario are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants them each one wish.

The Quebecer says, 'I want a wall around Quebec to protect my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out.'

'It is done,' says the genie, turning to the other guy. 'And your wish?'

The guy from Ontario smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'

I like my chicks like my whips, topless
 
Two Canadians are taking a long car trip so they decide to pass the time by playing 20 questions. The driver thinks a little and then comes up with his topic for the passenger to guess. The driver thinks 'moose cock he will never guess that.'

So the passenger asks his first question. 'Is it good to eat?'

The driver replies 'Well i guess you could eat it.'

'Moose cock, the answer is moose cock,' exclaims the passenger.

I like my chicks like my whips, topless
 
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