I cant fucking take it anymore. Life is soooooo beyond fucked up right now. 2 of my best friends are leaving me. Ones choosing to live a different life and one is not satisfied how I am living mine and since I dont want to change I dont think he cares anymore. Im going crazy. The whole world is coming down on me, like theres no way out. Seriously theres even worse shit I cant even talk about, too paranoid. I can see where my life is going and I have an idea of what I need to do, but its almost impossible to do that, and it means becoming a different person, something fake and shitty. This is so hard, but fuck I cant talk to anyone, every avenue is a dead end, I have to get it out tho. FUCK THIS FUCK THIS FUCK THIS! I smoked up last night, dont call me lame but I fucking saw so much shit so clear. Its like I saw everything that I am too scared to face when Im sober. Im having all these thoughts and realize Im all alone and my friends that I thought were the shit left me seriously out in the cold and I saw through all the bullshit. I saw reality, not this peachy illusion I was living. I also realized something I had been kicking around for like years. I also saw something so incredibly great that tears ths shit out of me, like my insides are ripping apart. Like we all dream of being pro skiers, its kinda like I have the chance but cant touch it, but its soo there. Man everything has come to a boiling point lately, its not the bud, that just clears some things up (not fucked up now, and Im not just some crazy stoner, I know whats real and whats not, weed doesnt even have much to do with this situation even). I hate this, I dont know what to do. Im not gonna off myself or nothin but if I didnt get this out somewhere its gonna kill me inside. I really didnt want to say anything and im prolly gonna get a wierdo rep but I seriously dont know where to go. So sorry for posting this but fuck I gotta deal with this shit in some manner. Oooooohhh fuck I shouldnt psot this but if it will help in some way I say fuck it. Dont be weirded out by this I just had to do something, be happy if you dont feel like this, be happy if you have an idea of what you want of life, be happy if you are livin it, be happy if you go for what you want, be happy if you have what you want. Whoah that was deep, but fuck thats me take it or leave it. Feeling better now, man that post sounds kinda freaky, shiiiiiiiiit. I wish I could say more of what I really feel. Well, balls to the walls its posting time.