What follows is a narrative of my high school career.

ButteredToast.

ButteredToast.

Active member
Please, no hate. Constructive criticism only. And I apologize for the cheesy similes/metaphors. She requested that we have them. If you read this whole thing, I'll be impressed, and seriously beef your karma if you give criticism.

High school is something that’s really not a whole lot of fun to deal with, but its there, everyone has to cope with it, and if you suck it up, then the end result is much better. For most, high school isn’t exactly difficult; it’s more arduous and tedious than anything. Personally, I enjoy high school, except for the fact that it’s exactly that – school. I enjoy the teenage years. Physically we’re at our prime; our bodies heal quickly, we can be carefree, and we have little to no responsibility. I just dislike the academic aspect. A lot of the things you learn in high school, you’ll never use again. Most of high school is preparing you and conditioning you to perform in the business world. For me, high school has been much like a flat tire. There’s nothing much you can do to keep it from happening, it has thrown itself upon you against your will, and it’s not your fault but you have to kick your own butt to get through it anyway, and you’re stuck until you do.

The first thing I dislike about high school is the whole idea that you’re not really there on your own accord. I believe that some individuals can, and do succeed without advanced education. Warren Buffet was rejected by Harvard, and was one of the richest people who ever lived. Bill Gates? He dropped out of college. Albert Einstein performed terribly in high school, yet he discovered some of the most famous scientific principles around to date. In fact, most self-made business titans were either high school or college dropouts. Notice a pattern? Yet, we’re all stuck in high school and the only chance of any of us succeeding in this world is based off of our performance in these academic establishments that could in fact be useless. There’s one thing in common about all of the three people I previously mentioned – they weren’t afraid to be wrong. In a sense, high school conditions us to be absolutely mortified to be “wrong”. What happens when we answer a question wrong on a test? We lose points, and perhaps even fail. How many times was Thomas Edison wrong before he finally perfected the light bulb? How many people said he was crazy and that it couldn’t be done? The problem with this system of education is that it conditions us to be the same, it trains us to be clones. Why is it so hard to get into college these days? Why is it so hard to stand out in this world and be successful? It’s because the educational system that the world operates on is seemingly training us for a meager desk job. I believe that yes, school does help us, but perhaps they way we educate isn’t quite right.

Another thing I really dislike about school is that I have to work my butt off in order to succeed in this world. Fortunately, I’m fairly smart and can maintain A’s and B’s, and the future for me looks bright. But, I can’t say that I’m not terrified of being stuck at a desk job when I’m older. That’s the last thing I want. But what are the chances of being able to rake in a low to mid six figure salary without working at some kind of desk job? How bad does that suck? Isn’t it miserable that in order to enjoy life and live comfortably, we have to engage in the monotony of the routine of a desk job that we may even hate? I’ll pass, thanks. I’m lucky that I have the brains to succeed, but what if I hadn’t been wired in such a way that makes it easy for me to succeed in the public school format? What if I was wired in such a way that it was impossible for me to maintain a 3.7 GPA or higher? Would that be fair to me at all? I don’t think so. There are plenty of extremely bright people in this world that are unfortunately not wired to function and perform well in school, and are unfairly cheated out of a good living. Now, I’m not saying that everyone who gets bad grades is a genius, because that would be extremely false. There are lazy people in this world, and there are idiots, but finding the right way to separate them from the hidden geniuses is the hard part.

Now, I understand that in order to succeed in life, you have to work hard, but why must we be trapped in a school for seven hours a day, five days a week, and about nine months a year? And most importantly, we do this during the prime of our lives. Doesn’t it seem a bit depressing that we seem to be wasting the best time of our lives in a bare, uncomfortable and unwelcoming classroom? At this point, shouldn’t we be experiencing the world rather than watching it through a window? I understand that some would argue that without educating our youth, chaos would ensue, but can’t we find a better way to go about educating the youth? Why is it that when it comes to school, the vast majority of teens strap on a nasty attitude and a sneering tone? That’s a dead giveaway that it’s too much for us at this age. Who thought it would be a good idea to gather the world’s most energetic, restless, and emotionally supercharged population, and stick them in a single room for seven hours a day? That’s a logic that just doesn’t make sense. I would agree that we need to educate the youth, but there has to be an easier way to do it. Putting us in an educational prison for seven hours a day really, really sucks.

Some people, upon hearing this argument, would say, “Okay, then what’s you answer to the problem, hotshot? If it’s such an issue to you, then do something about it. Fix it”, but the fact of the matter is – there is no easy answer, and I’ll probably have to continue to deal with my flat-tire high school experience. Personally, I wish my high school experience was more like fixing something. You take it apart, figure out what’s wrong, then figure out what works, and what doesn’t, then put it together again. When it works again, it’s instantly gratifying, and it’s not such a bad thing that you kind of had fun doing it too.

 
what exactly was this for, and who is the "she" you mention in the beginning?

and yes i read the whole thing, but im not prepared to discuss it without the answers to those questions.
 
i cant stand high school dumbfucks who cant find iran on a map or know who nicolas sarkozy is have 3.9s and 4.0s. kid in my us history class has a 3.86 and didnt know where taxes went when you paid them. kid in my bio has a 3.93 and thought they still had dinosaurs on the galapagos islands in the 1930s. i go to a top 1000 high school by newsweek too
 
I thought it was pretty well written. Personally I stay away from using questions to make a point, but that's just personal preference.

The last part about wishing your highschool career was like fixing something seemed a little thrown together. I think it's a valid opinion, just needs to be expanded on a little bit.

Overall good read.
 
I had terrible grades from the time they started grading(around 3rd grade) until last year. I always understood the subjects and took the hardest classes but made terrible grades, somehow though I would always get really high test scores. I took geometry in 8th grade got a b the first semester and an f the second, but made a 95 on the exam. I turned shit around last year though because I could feel the pressure of college coming. I am pretty sure that I am gonna have all As on my report card this quarter with the exception of hopefully a B in ap chem. I started out bad in that class but I just got a 97 on my gas laws test. I used to not care about school and just thought it was some monotonous thing I was sent to do, it kind of still is but I recognize its pragmatic purpose of getting me into college so I can hopefully not end up in a desk job and instead be an uber cool scientist or indian chief.

As far as your paper goes it is really the same moan and groan from the last hundred years or whatever. It is true that most of highschool is to prepare 2 types of people, the labor force, and the cubicle workers. If you want to be an important/innovative person though you will probably need to know some of that useless information.
 
even though i disagree with your point it's pretty well written. to me it's just the typical elementary/high schoolers complaint about the education system. you have some valid points but i just disagree. i guess each persons high school experience is different, but i had a great time and it was probably the most valuable years of my life. i won't get into all other reasons cause i think u just wanted some grammatical/writing feedback. i also just have to agree with the other post about using questions, i just don't like it but that's just personal opinion i guess
 
i like it...i agree with the feeling of high school being a conformity factory...but i'm only one member of your audience. You use the word "we" often but there could be older people out of high school reading this or people in high school who disagree with your view. People might dislike you lumping them together in your use of "we" and quickly become hostile and against your view. other criticisms are the use of so many questions. If you state your questions as facts your argument may come off as more compelling than it does now. Additionally, that will strengthen your thesis. I like how you refute your antithesis when you state "i'm not saying that everyone with bad grades is a genius." This finds common ground between you and people who oppose your views. Overall, i think your ideas are solid and like it.
 
you switch "person" in the same paragraph, like going from "i" to "we", try to keep it all the same. its just a small thing, thatll deduct points. but it depends on how anal 'she" is.
 
"Another thing I really dislike about school is that I have to work my

butt off in order to succeed in this world. Fortunately, I’m fairly

smart and can maintain A’s and B’s, and the future for me looks bright."

I think you have an argument there, you say you have to work your butt off (lol) in order to succeed, but then say you're fairly smart and get good grades. To me, this implies that you don't have to work too hard. I'm the same, I get good grades without doing too much, but I have a friend who takes like 6 hours a day to study and do homework, and I am still more knowledgeable in a subject than he is.

 
You didn't graduate yet Evan? For some reason I thought you did.

Anyway. Rephrase what you said about Einstein discovering a scientific principle. I'd insert physics for science and reword discover. To me it belittles what he did.

Also you mention Einstein, Buffet, and Gates, then jump to Edison. Maybe take out one of the 3 and put edison in there for some continuity.

Also, the 3 examples might not be so great. Search a little harder and find some successful people that didn't finish highschool or went to an unorthodox one. Because your 3 examples went to highschool which kind of kills your argument.

Don't start a sentence with "and" either. You'll probably get points docked off.

I wouldn't use "sucks" either. It's such a boring word and you can come up with something better than that.

Last, maybe give a specific thing to fix that most people are familiar with for your closing paragraph. It seems to vague and doesn't really sum up or grab my attention.

That's what I can remember without looking back and I didn't want to quote your whole story. If I find something else I'll post it up.
 
High school is one of those things that when you get to college you will look back and say "wow that was fucking easy I wish if I would of even studied a little bit I would of kicked it's ass"

I honestly did not study at all for high school except maybe junior year and I still got by with a 3.5+ and still got into the college I wanted to. Grades are stupid as shit in my opinion and are in no way an order of how much you learn or know the material.

My advice to you Evan is to have fun in life and do what you love and to follow your dreams because if you are doing something that you don't enjoy that don't do it. If you wanna talk more than you know where to find me...fhag

That was super well written by the way.

 
some comments:

You aren't in your prime when you are in high school. You are still immature and inexperienced. College/grad school has been the time of my life so far. High school is a joke compared to some college programs, but you don't need to be super smart. You just need to work hard.

Not every job is a desk job. If you don't want to be at a desk, then find a job that doesn't require it.

High school is necessary. There is no way around it. You say you don't want to be wasting the best years of your life in school, so when are you going to be educated? Are you planning on just hanging out til you are 25 or 30 then start basic education and finish when you are 40?

High school isn't about just learning what happened during the revolutionary war or reading Shakespeare. It teaches you about having responsibility, learning to show places on time, discipline, working to complete an assignment, etc. Those are all real world skills that you need for a real career.

I am never going to use 95% of the material i learned in high school, or 85% of what I learned in undergrad. Everything I need for my career I am learning in grad school right now. And even that will be a fraction of what I need to fully do my job.

I forget what else you talked about...
 
Wow, I'm impressed, I didn't think anyone would read.

But thanks for the criticism, I didn't catch the use of the interchanging pronouns.

If anyone's got anything else, don't hold back.
 
good points here, there's rarely a day that i don't reminisce about high school (im a sophmore in college) and think "wow if only i really tried a little harder and took advantage of the opportunities available." everyone says how college is/will be the best 4 years of your life, but i totally diasgree- high school was for me. again it varies from person to person, but don't overlook the importance of high school. every single day of my senior year i lived to the fullest and had the greatest time with friends and faculty.

as cliche as it might sound i'll advise you much like *Azz* did- laugh, have fun, do what you love, don't take anything for granted, dream. i feel like such an old man but really just live it up man
 
Haha, nope. I'm a junior in high school still. Most people think I'm way older than I am for some reason....

Anyways, the "she" i'm talking about is my psych teacher.
 
alright, so its a school paper. it reads alright as a rant on ns, but needs a considerable amount of work from a writer's perspective. you make some interesting points and i have no reason to argue for or against you.

first of all, its not a narrative. it doesnt really stand as a strong essay either. overall, you state your opinion too often and back it up with your own reasoning rather than with factual information. in that sense, its almost a circular argument.

im going to bed, but ill read it again tomorrow and pick out some specific stuff you could improve. im not trying to shit on you, i just think it could be better.

 
good points, but i disagree with a couple of them

yes most of the shit we learn in highschool isnt useful, but the most valuable lesson from highschool isnt the monotonous facts, its learning how to manage your life, easing you into becoming an adult. It teaches people how to behave in social situations, and how to work together and function in groups. high school certainly isnt a very fun experiance, but overall i think it was very valuable to how i behave.
 
i like you're writing style and enjoyed the read. but personally i would try to avoid using questions to prove your point, in ways it makes your argument weaker rather than stronger. like the first question in the 4th paragraph:

"Now, I understand that in order to succeed in life, you have to work

hard, but why must we be trapped in a school for seven hours a day,

five days a week, and about nine months a year?"

although asking a question as you topic sentence is a great way to introduce the topic of the paragraph it leads the reader to instantly begin to dispute your points. when i read that question the first thing that came to mind was that you aren't "trapped" and that the people of the previous generations/centuries have come to the conclusion that this is the best way of education after their years of experience.

if you can avoid the questions to make points it will be a great narrative but none-the-less, it was solid.
 
Did anyone else just fuck around in highschool, hit on chicks all day, smoke weed, not really care, and have like the best time of their life? I mean I didn't get into college and shit but I could have done all that and studied for like an hour a day and probably gone to fuckin UCLA.

Kids shouldn't complain about highschool, its basically the best part of your life ever. You don't have a job and there is always a party. Although I guess college is like that too if your lucky enough. But seriously, when you think about it, highschool is the sweetest gig ever. Its like a job that you go to everyday and try your best to get fired from but it never seems to happen.

Lean back, breath deep, be awesome, stop taking it so seriously, and enjoy the ride man.
 
only read the first two paragraphs, but they were pretty well written and you made a few good points. ill come back and read the rest later, im tired.
 
first, narritives are rarely convincing for persuasive papers, switch to 3rd person and see if you can put in more facts to supplement the opinions. Second, the paper has little structure: in the intro paragraph you want more of a statement of purpose that will briefly mention what each following paragraphs will then discuss in detail. Then wrap it up with a firm conclusion of your issues and in this case I'd shoot for some suggestions for improvement.

sorry if that is harsh, I'm procrastinating critiquing a paper of my own right now by doing this. As far as your ideas...high school education does have miles to go in improvement (i.e. it's way to easy?), but realize that not succeeding there, where it is easy, will hold you back later on. College is where you get to figure out what career you can be passionate about and enjoy working hard at while earning a good living. Sure you will find examples of dropouts making millions, but if you look at statistics: more school = more money

good luck with the paper
 
high school is a tool that has been created in order to ensure most of us become part of the "organization"
 
repetition for the sake of attempting to sound 'deep' just leaves you with a 3000 word paper that is 2000 words too long.

take out the nonsense, stop trying to impress people with your use of superfluous synonyms, and just write.
 
you should use less words. it makes everything more powerful. for example, for this part:

"Another thing I really dislike about school is that I have to work my

butt off in order to succeed in this world. Fortunately, I’m fairly

smart and can maintain A’s and B’s"

take out the first part. we know it's about high school. and the whole paper is about why you dont like it. so maybe just start it off with:

"I have to work my

butt off in order to succeed in this world. Fortunately, I’m fairly

smart and can maintain A’s and B’s"

and follow a similar trend throughout the rest of the paper.
 
its good to work hard for things, which is why i look at those prissy trophy wifes and just think wow your hot, but i think it ruined your life.. you get all those luxurious things but you didnt work for it worth shit, other than being a decieving whore! but yea, 99% of people have to work damn hard to be successful
 
I have a few critical ideas for you.
1. What exactly is your thesis? I feel like you try to address a whole hell of a lot of points but don't fully answer many of them. Your ideas seem to be a bit all over the place.
2. It sounds really casual and conversational, but that might be the tone the essay is asking for, but then again maybe not.
3. You sound repetitive with a lot of the things you say. Certain things like the idea of a desk job just get beaten to death. That and you keep talking about how smart you are.
If this happens to be for a college essay, you are one ballsy motherfucker.
 
I think it could use a better thesis. If the thesis were more cohesive and was demonstrated throughout, the whole thing would be much better.
 
I thought it was decent. Like most said try and keep the questions tasteful, I felt like every couple sentences was a question. Also, try not to be so redundant in your argument (i.e. asking three different questions for the same point), being concise is good. I think if you should, in this order, sharpen your thesis, cut down the redundancy, and then using the space freed up expand on your ideas. Really good read though. I know this wasn't what you were going for but it made me miss high school.
 
For a post on a forum, it's good. It's easy to read, and an interesting argument among other things. It needs to be a bit more proper and cleaned up if it's going to be a school paper.
I do like the part about the desk jobs and not making money. I'm having problem deciding my future right now. Junior year in college and I can't make up my mind. I like money, but I'd also like a job I'd enjoy doing, as well as having decent hours to actually live life.
 
It was pretty good.

You could add Richard Branson, the Virgin Enterprise to the list of high school dropout geniuses.

You keep saying that there is no choice, but legally at sixteen (in VT, not sure about anywhere else) you can leave high school. They can't make you stay there.

hope this wasn't said already
 
my moms an english teach so take my advice. shes drilled it into my head since kindergarten. dont use any slang. butt, sucks - no good. get a better thesis at the end of your intro so that the 3 points you argue are already stated. and when you get into the body paragraphs, get straight to the point, and no rambling. never repeat the same thing twice. follow that, and your set. doesnt matter what the arguements are, as long as you can support them.
 
well written but your last paragraph seems kinda forced... strong points but i gotta go with the other guys here and say get away from using "we, i" etc.

another great point though from Azz live life and have fun school sucks major dick but we all gotta get through it, have some fun while youre doin it
 
Edison didnt finish high school, he dropped out (If I remember right, I did a biography project on him a few years ago)

Einstein was told he was fool (or something to that effect) and I'm pretty sure he didnt finish school, or barely did

And didn't Gates drop out?

Not sure about Buffet,I think he finished school and such, but I honestly know next to nothing about him
 
Gates didn't finish college. Einstein went to a secondary school, Edison I just assumed. And Buffet went to highschool and even went on to go to Columbia business school.

Irregardless he knew what I meant. No need to fact check me.
 
If you're only a junior that's super well written and if you were in my english class that'd be an easy A. I don't have much advice to give on that except that Einstein actually did really good in elementary and high school with like top of the class marks. And i know that because i read is biography so its le-jet
 
I think that it is pretty well written, despite the fact that I disagree with some of your arguments.

Bringing up Einstein, Gates and that group gets you no where in the education argument, because they were beyond their years and extremely smart, just not necessarily school smart.

There is no argument that high school is necessary, it is essential for an education, and although it may suck (I personally don't mind it) it is not bad when you look at other parts of life.

And yes high school is extremely easy, and I am extremely happy for that. I am a senior in high school, and even in my AP and honors classes I do not have to do much work or study much in order to get mostly As.

In my opinion, instead of complaining about high school, you should just enjoy it for all ti is worth, because how much longer is your daily routine going to consist of going to class with a bunch of your friends?

To the point of being in the best years of your life, it is still plenty possible to do everything you want and do well in school, it is all about time management.

But considering you are a junior, that is pretty well written.
 
i like this alot. I'm one of those kids who understands everything completely but cant do tests. i can not get above a 90 no matter how much i study. I'm very good with numbers and understand everything we do in my algebra 2 class which is the level above my grade, but i cant get above a 90. Catch me in everyday life and ill be bustin numbers out like its no problem. i strongly agree with the some kids know what they are doing but arnt the school type of kids...thats me

in the last paragraph when you ask the question of how to fix it you should throw something out there that could fix it like. testing to see what a student should be doing or something like that so kids will be in what they want to be and what they accelerate in so they dont have to learn everything about subjects that are useless to the,.
 
the only problem posing questions can have is if the question can be answered against you. you have to build up to it so the reader has to say yes.

also to the op: you should talk about how school teaches you things instead of teaching you how to learn things.
 
I agree with you in a lot of areas, and honestly I feel pretty sympathetic towards most of your points, because I was in the exact same mind frame a couple of years ago.
It had always been all or nothing for my high school motivation. I either didn't give any shit or became engaged and did the work for pleasure. As I reached the higher echelons of the school however, I learned, like you, to manipulate the system well enough to do minimal work and maintain a good GPA.
I loved high school life. It was everything I could have asked for. But what it really boils down to, is if you love the kind of excitement you get from high school, you're going to love a lot more things out there just as much, because the world is so much huger than any of us can conceive. I had a basic idea of this when I was younger, but it actually takes a bit of age and maturity to really wrap your head around. This last summer (after graduation), I went on a winnebago trip from new york to california. It changed a lot. And I realized why high school was important. High school is just a tool. A tool that allows us to access another huge array of tools. Some people think that they have to use that tool in a specific way; the terrifying chain of high school, college, 9 to 5, shit marriage, shit retirement. I look at it differently; high school not only gave me a basic knowledge of the world that I can use to explore and learn more and more, but it facilitated my mental growth when I was teenager, which is REALLY essential. I don't have to get a job right out of undergrad, I don't have to spend four years at university, I don't have to go to graduate school, I don't have to work in an office. It just takes more effort to do things that aren't already programmed into the normal decision making of the majority. Just something to think about.
 
Essay wise, don't use "transitions" like "the first" and "another." It's only a few steps above going first, second, and finally at the beginning of each paragraph. In my school they teach kids to write like that and it sounds ridiculous, so if they do it in your's stay away from it. Actually do everything, within reason, that your school doesn't teach to do. It will be different than everybody else's, and if done right, better. They always suggest to have a clear cut, easily identifiable thesis that a cactus could probably pick out and everybody's essays follow a rather cookie cutter pattern. Break that pattern if it exists, but agian, don't be stupid.
 
There are quite a few grammatical errors in the first paragraph..that is about as far as I got...but most of them are errors that are found in almost all high school papers.
 
First of all, I read all of that. It was a good read and I feel you had some valid points. The traditional educational system is not for everyone. I do however feel like you left too many questions unanswered. You could have touched a bit more on how some of the most successful people in the world were highschool/college drop-outs. You were in the right direction, but more could be added to that specific paragraph.

Overall I liked the feel of that write-up. Good work and let us know how it scores.
 
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