The Onion - NS Version

[tri_photo]

The onion is a fantastic site that has satirical comedy news headlines. I figured we all have some funny headlines in our brains. Here’s my first one:

Simon Dumont Threatens Quitting Skiing For 7th Time

What funny headlines can you think of?

**This thread was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 9:39:00am

 

[skierman]

"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"

 

[CatdickBojangles]

"Jibbin the game releases on Xbox Series and PS5"

"Revision skis announces new models"

"Kid on Newschoolers actually goes to bootfitter"

 

[SWRTOFFICIAL]

"Sierra Quitiquit Bitch-Slapped by Greta Thunberg at COP 28"

if only

 

[GrandThings]

"Based on community feedback, local mountain installs actual playground on downhill ski trail"

 

[SWRTOFFICIAL]

"Dolan was Right"

 

[Good_Deed]

The Bunch buys a heli to further their vision of skiing.

 

[eheath]

[tag=126285]@Sklar[/tag] used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.

 

[AndrewGravesSV]

New Candide Footage Proven to be the Fagan Twins in a Trenchcoat

i miss brobomb

 

[WoFlowz]

Vishnu now offering World Cup race skis with 3 layers of metal to go along with the softest skis on the market

 

[GrapeHunter]

"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical

 

[AlaskaDogfart]

"Fagans to be featured in new film from Strictly"

"Zootspace 2 to release Jan 9"

 

[skierman]

"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

 

[SuspiciousFish]

"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."

 

[WoFlowz]

"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

? that’s just messed up Scott. Never watching your camelback reviews again

 

[mrk127]

"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical

That should have been the title of the "NS is Toxic" thread

 

[halfwatt]

“ @tri_photo actually landed a trick first try”

sorry bro plz don’t destroy me

 

[ericforman]

"Vail Resorts promises to use revenue from increased pass sales to groom the entire mountain, further enhancing the visitor experience."

"CDOT enforces traction law, local moose take over slopes due to 98% decline in skier visitation."

"Araphoe Basin replaces all lifts with rope tows, locals rejoice."

 

[ASSholebomber22]

"DominatorJacques Cat Died, NS Pretends to Care"

Sociopath vibes.

 

[Skiblade420]

”Dolans vision of world peace is spot on”

 

[Skiblade420]

”Skierman has a great haircut”

 

[r00kie]

Mount Bohemia hires a real social media manager, diehard fans accuse them of selling out.

 

[mrk127]

”Skierman has a great haircut”

View attachment 1018337

I feel like skierman has so much less power on this site now that this pic keeps getting posted

 

[Skiblade420]

He definitely has been more low key because of it, it’s hilarious.

I’m never gonna stop with it either.

[tag=255152]@mrk127[/tag]

**This post was edited on Nov 17th 2021 at 8:08:31pm

 

[GayWolf420]

"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."

 

[halfwatt]

"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"

is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that

 

[Casey]

"The Bunch hosts a workshop on how to butter and is attended by Candide Thovex."

Oh man I lost on that one. “Yes eh can you teach how your little swish swish move at 100kmph?”

 

[Casey]

"stevens pass management listens and restores the park to brooks"

is it bad i had tears in my eyes writing that

Vail celebrates partnership with WSDOT: New sign installed across Highway 2 reads “go the fuck home!”

 

[theabortionator]

"Vail Adds Backyard Setup in Idaho to Epic Pass"

https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Vail-Adds-Backyard-Setup-Idaho-Epic-Pass

 

[SofaKingSick]

"Angry transplants in Utah mad at other Angry Transplants in Utah for going skiing."

or "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"

 

[PsychicMigration]

Abraham Cain smokes weed

**This post was edited on Nov 18th 2021 at 1:06:55pm

 

[mrk127]

"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"

 

[r00kie]

"Andy Parry caught taking a bong rip on video?!?!"

Sounds more like a National Enquirer headline hahah

 

[SuspiciousFish]

"Schweitzer mountain builds new high end development with heli pad, wonders why rich people wont ski whiteout conditions."

 

[tri_photo]

"Stevens Pass Selling Terrain Park Features To Fund Vail CEO's Vacation Home Build"

 

[extravert]

this is fun

 

[GayWolf420]

or "Coloradans still shocked and appalled that others have discovered their fuckin secret state"

"Colorado Native finally a resident of the state of Colorado after years of going on ski trips with mom and dad and moving from the east coast."

 

[skierman]

"Wyoming 2nd Home Native Declares Son is Expert after Skiing Rendezvous Bowl"

 

[AaronO.]

"Top 5 reasons why NS users are pussies"

oh whoops its supposed to be satirical

 

[BingPow]

Color blind man opens indoor rock climbing gym

 

[tri_photo]

"Elizabeth Swaney Hosting A Flatbox Rail Jam"

 

[Butterytips69]

“2 Inches overnight at an east coast resort. Nobody freaks tf out over the pow day”

 

[theabortionator]

"Weed skiing and the Mass exodus east"
[URL]https://www.newschoolers.com/news/read/Weed-Skiing-Mass-Exodus-East

[/url]From MA legalizing weed a few years back. Playing on the hype from everyone moving out west.

 

[tri_photo]

"Tanner Hall Claims Real Skiing Can Be On Real Earth Not Just Real Mountains"

 

[skierman]

"8 Years On, Kelly Sildaru Still Dominant doing the Same Run"

 

[Charlie_Kelly]

”Skierman has a great haircut”

View attachment 1018337

 

[cndr]

 

[tri_photo]

"Snoqualmie Pass Claims Pineapple Express As Tropical Bonus For Skiing"

 

[tri_photo]

“1000 Skis Claims Their One-of-a-Kind Unique Ski Makes The Entire Mountain a Playground”

 

[SmokedGouda]

CDOT will now give out free coffee to I70 weekend warriors: “They need the strength to pull through”

 

[Stuuuuuuuuuu]

[tag=126285]@Sklar[/tag] used to write a column on NS called the radish, it was pretty hilarious.

Forgot about the radish. Would be so sick if he brought that back