The OFFICIAL funny things that your coach says thread

my lax coach used to help me get better with this one

"eat a bag of dicks" and "shut the fuck up"
 
My hockey coach, a kid lost the puck in period one so from period one to the end of the game he was repeatedly saying" well ill be fucked, well ill be fucked" so after the game i asked him why hed be fucked and he said " cause FUCKING justin lost the FUCKING puck and cost us the game"...we won by the way.
 
My football coach: "Chris hit that thing harder! Are you a pussy?"
Chris (Captain of the team): "I'm not a pussy coach, you're a pussy!"
Coach: "Maybe I am, you are what you eat!"

That is by far the funniest thing I've ever heard a coach say
 
My one golf coach is fucking crazy.

he's the psychology teacher at my highschool, and does the craziest things.

for example....(i'm in the class now)

we're studying the senses, and he asked us what it would be like if we didn't have them...

so he laughs and says "bring your coats tomoro, you'll need them"

the next day comes, he walks us into the basement of the school,

splits us into groups and puts us in boiler rooms, and the school's old bomb shelter.

he then shuts the lights off, locks the door, and laughs...

left us in there for about an hour.

we had to write a paper on it the next day.

here's some quotes:

"he can't golf, he's a pussy."

one kid on the team is reading a harry potter book,

"you know how it ends right? They cut off Harry Potter's cock."

some kid in my class answered this ridiculous question wrong,

the question was something like "how many nerve endings are there in every square inch of your brain?" (and we never discussed this before)

he looks at this kid with the most serious face and says

"NO!! what are you stupid? how the hell did you pass second grade? i'm really getting tired of this classes kindergarten bullshit!!!"

by far my favorite teacher.
 
I always lose it when coaches tell us to "get our thumbs out of our asses" or "stop playing with our dicks" etc.

One time also, a jv lax coach said that my sister's ass went into next week.
 
"Excuses are like masturbation. You're only pleasing yourself!"

"Excuses are like assholes. Everybody's got one and they all stink."
 
My rugby coach: a tie is just like a blowjob from your sister... you got there but it doesnt really count
 
Lax coach today said to the team:

"Your guys' grades suck. You need to stop jerkin it when you get home after school and do your homework. Then when you are done, I want you to cradle in front of the TV. Hell, I don't care, You can even jerk it in one hand and cradle it in the other. Grades are the most important though, followed by cradling, then jerkin it I guess"
 
high school ski coach at our first team meeting of the year: "ok you guys know the drug policy? (silence) if you're going to do it, don't get caught....or just do it with me" hahaha
 
soccer coach Blake - last practice before our last game "hey guys sorry i gotta end practice an hour early cause i have a hot date! peeaaaace" hahaha
 
"This is aerials, you cant have any of that gorilla skeeze."

thats not a typo, he actually thinks its pronounced skeeze
 
football coach : going through the playoffs is like having ten girls dancing naked for you. it costs a lot but its fucking worth it
 
Filling out forms today, going through how to do it, coach c "if you're not sure of your sex, i can check for you"
 
okay so my soccer coach is from spain and messes up words. so when we had a game he told us when he was all serious .(he is not a guy to fuck around with when he is serious!) He told us to stay focused on the game. and with his accent he said YOU MUST STAY FUCKUSED ON THE GAME and when he said that we all started to laugh non stop and he got really realled pissed. and so now he has never said that in front of us.
 
8th grade football coach (HICK) says nobody messes around before games or sock em in the mouth..so of course 2 kids mess around and our best starting lineman gets his teeth knocked out and the coach says"well that was one of the funniest things ive ever seen" NOW GIVE ME YOUR TEETH I WANNA HANG THEM ON MY WALL AS A LESSON!!!! (we went 3-5 that season) wonder why?
 
"you have to score to win the game. and to score, you have to put the puck in the net...past the goalie...thats how we win...scoring"

after the game

"we lost...we lost because the other team scored more goals than us. they put the puck in the net more than we did.
 
my football coach in middle school wrote part time or something for playboy. he was full of great stuff for impresinable 10 yr olds
 


my lax coach like to say vanilla vanilla when ever someone shoots slow and he sometimes says vanilla,vanilla and i want chocolate

its hilarious when he says it

 
(to an opposing team standing next to the woods) "Girls do you have go to the bathroom. I can show you how" (proceeds to run into the woods) -my 70 something female XC coach that, was leading us on a warmup run before a meet.

"Your not black, your Jamaican"

"BLACK POWER!!! "

there are too many to remember.
 
Coach: "so tuck the ball in like this, I can hold onto it and i'll look prettier"

Me: "Coach, you always look pretty"

coach drops ball and walks away
 
today at lax practice my coach said some funny shit....

"well we have to put a lot of new stuff in this year and you know what i am not a writer, I don't write books" completely random and out of no where....

 
Football coach: "I think throwing up from running isn't that bad. In fact, i like thyrowing up from running. I'd like to throw up in front of you guys from running, that would be pretty cool wouldn't it?"

I think we're in for some shitty practices
 
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