The OFFICIAL funny things that your coach says thread

sowstochd

sowstochd

Active member
alright so we all know our coaches (football, soccer, rugby.lacrosse, hockey WHATEVER) have funny sayings and quotes of their own. lets all put them in this thread.

coach john- "guys, the defense is red headed step-child, beat it"

- if you say it like a pussy, you'll do it like a pussy. (insert heavy welsh accent, and stress on every 3rd word)

-ey lads i just turned 60 last week, ya know what that means? DROP AND GIVE ME 30 PUSHUPS

keep it goin
 
boys, i had a dream last night. i was an Indian, hunting my prey, i dashed across a river, and spotted it. it was a purple panther, i killed it with my spear, and feasted on it for many nights to come. and that is why our team i named the purple panthers.
 
my frosh lax coach is trying to talk to us and we are all goofing off like the asses we were he just pauses and calmly states "is wayne brady gona have to choke a bitch" we all brake down laughing. defiantly one of the best coaches ive had we acomplished nothing that year
 
"You better pay attention before I put you in a bare naked choke hold." my track coach

He is my coach and engineering teacher, one of my friends has a whole notebook of his hilarious quotes.
 
my track coach had this rule that we couldnt eat right before practice.... i was hungry so i got some food and he caoght me.... went like this "Harris! your worthless, if i see you eating food before practice again im going to poop on your porch." it was absolutely random.
 
my jv stoner ass lax coach/football coach always talks about wrestling gorillas as an analogy. hes the man. and he always has his hands in his pockets and whenever something good happens like a good play or whatever he goes "THATS GOOD STUFF!" and pulls his hands out and makes guns with them and spits everywhere when he yells. then he just like stops his outburst and goes back to being calm.
 
my football coach always says "lets go out there and punch em in the mouth" or he says dfense like duhfense instead of deeeeefense
 
My Golf Coach: "I didn't start drinking until 10:30 this morning, I'm pretty pround of myself."- as he is driving to the course
 
I was playing a tennis match against this massive German girl during our district tournament, and the rest of my mates were playing on the three courts to the left of me also playing singles. I can hear my coach behind me talking to some of the parents. Now, I am about to serve to this girl and all of the sudden my coach yells, "ROCK OUT WITH YOUR COCK OUT, SHARKS!" Needless to say, we all had to stop play for the next five minutes since no one could play without falling to the ground laughing. We will cherish that year forever. Oh! And we won districts!
 
my buddys lax coach has all these crazy fucking sayings and makes shit up, and said to this kid with a dirt lip on his team once:

"you oughta put some milk on your uppa lip, go out to the parkin lot, and hav da kitty lick it off for ya"

he also told me i have "big chestnuts" hanging out of my shorts for hitting some kid hard
 
i have sooooo many, keep in mind this is a math teacher whose voice is worked from yelling and wobbles from like 10 knee surgeries and is pushing 300 lbs

"you know men you better bring your sweatshirts because when it gets dark outside you cant see very well"

"you know thayers a team thats a lot like us and a lot like themselves"

"as running back you have to make sure that you get the ball to the wide receiver"

im sure ill remember more

 
we had this british soccer player that used to play professionally ( cant remember which) his name his name was scotty he's like a traveling soccer coach or something , some of you guys might of had him .

he broke his arm and we asked what happen " Well it wasn't from wankin' it , if thats what your thinkin'"

in hardcore english accent too .
 
My soccer coach to some kid named Ivan, about some team we were playin with a woman coach (he has a boston accent): "Ivan, you're playin like you got a fuckin slit down there! If we lose to a dyke, im quittin!" haha
 
our huge, 6'4", 315 lb black line coach who started for OSU is ridiculous. some quotes.

"in college, i got so much pussy, i didnt even lilke it any more. i moved out of the dorms because i got tired of pussy."

"i'll kick you in the dick."

haha, jesus, i have to sit down with a couple of my team mates and remember some more.

one time he showed up nude pics of his gf. and then told us he was actually thinking about murdering his ex wife. hhaha that was a crazy fuck

 
my lax coach is basically a sophmore in a grown up mans body wheneve he trys to get our attention or calm us down all he does is yell Shut up or god damnit..

sophmore year same coach is using a dry erase board to draw out a play being a sophmore my friend but his lax stick between his legs pretending to be a dick and was poking it right by the bard he nudged the board and my coach goes "God damnit cleary get on your hippity horse and run " so random and funny
 
my friend was tired so he was jus like doin straight airs off the jump and his coac after a while was like . If you dont do a trick this time im gonna fucking kill you!
 
Mr. Watson, the XC coach

- "Keir... KEIR!!!, quit fucking around. (he was tying his shoe)"

- "POOOOINTS WE NEEEED POOOOOOIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNTSSSSS" (as i ran past him at the 2 mile mark)

- "GET FUCKING TOUGH!!!!!!" (as Rich Lafferty our #1 runner, runs past)

-"YOUR BLOWING IT!!!! GO GO GO!!!" (to anyone not practically sprinting)

- "you know why Tylers so good at running? because he doesnt give a shit." (to our school newspaper correspondant)

- A girl fell on the track and she said her leg hurt, Mr watson happened to be walking by "you know what they do to horses that break their legs?... they shoot them" continues walking.

the guy is pretty much a legend, all the other MAPL league school kids fear him lol

 
last year my lax assistant coach had a few memorable quotes.
"Sorry I have to leave practice early, Im going to my girlfriends graduation party."(This guys like 40.)
"Penetrate, Penetrate!"
"Put your feet on your throats and choke them!"
 
oh, my head coach, don clegg, is a fucking boss. he froths at the mouth, he spits when he talks, and he is probably about 99. we always make fun of him for being old, and he loves it. when his voice cracks, its the funniest thing ever. but anyway...

he coached marcus trufant (seahawks CB). actually i play with his younger brother, des. but anyway, he talks about marcus, and his other brother isiah, like they are gods. he tells us bullshit stories about how isiah (5'5"-ish) played nose guard, and blew up 300 lb centers becuase he could "DIP! and RRRIIIPP!!" he tells the most bullshit stories, to where a running joke amoungst the team is "did clegg ever tell you about the one legged kicker?" or "one time clegg coached a quarter back with no arms". i love clegg.
 
man all your coaches sound awesome.

our coaches are cool, but more because they're more like friends, than coaches.

we push them in the swimming pool at the last home meet every year. awesome tradition
 
my highschool soccer coach said this once to a kid that got beat so bad by one of our forwards

"holy shit matt, you remind me of a girl i knew back in highschool. we called her peanut butter cause she spread so easy"

when my club soccer coach is referring to us as in our team he just calls us fuckers.
 
the only words of encouragement that my high school football coach would give us would be
"be an athlete now, be an athlete" which i didnt such much point in but hey
 
"we'd better pick things up, or we're gonna get our butts wiped"

this always puzzled me, because it seems like having another team wipe your butt would be humiliating for them, and effort-saving for you
 


'dominate those cunts, there all whores, domination will win you the respect you deserve' my beer swilling rugby coachin a thick irish accent.

'
 
also.... there was this football coach and one of his players played in the band. so he went to his coach and was like coach I have to miss practice to play in the band. the coach was like "what do u play, the skin flute?

sorry for the double post
 
My graphic arts teacher was English and the varsity boys soccer coach. (Around him we all called it football just to confuse him. Don't ask why.) But he would swear till the cows came home. Funniest shit ever.
 
my soccer coach is chill as fuck, he is awesome. here are a few...

him: hey shawn ross lemme see those naked pictures on your phone!
me: dude amos she is 16!
him: so what, i heard she is pretty hot
(all happening with his gf standing next time him hahaha)

him: jon, if you don't run that extra complex, i am going to beat your ass
jon: no i don't have to do shit, im leading scorer in wpial, i havent ran all year why start now
him: i am so sick of your black ass
jon: well i am not running shit so whatever
(they then proceeded to straight fist fight besides face punches for 30 minutes, amos kicked his ass.)

 
an old coach referring to the kid nobody on the team likes

him-"manner has a girlfriend?"

us-"yea"

him-"wow she must either be a total idiot or a hooker'
 
softball coach:

"lesley lower! lower! lesley god damnit get lower! get low on that ball"

 
hahahahahahaha shit i forgot the best one.

this really bad kid on the soccer team we call cockass scores a goal on my coach (he is a really good goalie) and my coach goes:

amos: what the fuck? i can't believe it. i just got scored on by fucking cockass.
*cockass standing right next to him, doesn't say anything*
*the entire team starts busting out laughing*
amos: oh uh shit...i didn't mean it like that cockass, i mean nick. uh yeah...good shot

hahahahahaha
 
My soccer team were playing this match in denmark once, and we had english refs. We kept getting free kicks against us, and the ref was totally from the ohter team. then one of our gus got a red card, and my 70 % deaf coach yelled at the ref:

"Fuck you ref, you suck!"

then the ref told him to calm down, or he would have to leave the match. Our coach didn't hea this, and kept going:

"put your finger up your ass!"
 
our old lax coach was a machine gunner on a helicopter in vietnam so needless to say he throws out nam jokes a lot

"i havent seen balls fly like this since nam!" - referring to us fucking up line drills...

my jv coach fomr a few years ago said some funny shit that i dont remember but he was more just chill. we used to talk about all the phish shows wed been to and stuff
 
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