The Joke Thread

L.[Coast].NYer

L.[Coast].NYer

Member
Whats up? I figured everybody could use a little more cheer in their day, so I thought a funny joke thread would be something that we can all try and keep going where we can all contribute a really, or even mildly funny joke you know or have heard so that we can all read everyone else's and a get a decent laugh out of the day. Maybe include where you heard the joke or whatever... just something to keep a smile on our faces.

I'll start.

...so this joke was told to our class by our Archaeology professor after discussing deductive and inductive reasoning during class:

So there's this guy who moves into a new house in a nice little neighborhood, and he walks up to the fence between his yard and his neighbor's to have a quick chat. His neighbor asks him,

"Well, Mr. Jones, what do you do?"

Mr. Jones replied, "I am a professor of deductive reasoning."

"Deductive reasoning? What's that?" asked his neighbor (we'll call him Mr. Smith).

"Well," Mr Jones said, "I'll give you an example... I see that you have a dog house."

"Why yes, I do." replied Mr. Smith

Mr. Jones continued, "And by knowing that you have a dog, I am going to assume that you have children."

"Yes I do!" exclaimed an excited Mr. Smith.

"And since you have children, I may also assume that you have a wife."

"Yes I do!" replied again an excited Mr. Smith.

"And be knowing that you have a wife, I may also assume that you are straight." Mr. Jones concluded

"Well, yes I am." said Mr. Smith

"That, my friend, is called deductive reasoning." said Mr. Jones.

Now, Mr. Smith was so amazed by Mr. Jones' performance that the next day he had to go and share his newfound knowledge with the neighbor on the other side of his house. He approached the fence and yelled,

"Hey Bill, get over here! My new neighbor is a professor of deductive reasoning!"

"Deductive reasoning? What's that?" asked Bill.

"Well, I'll give you an example," said Mr. Smith. "I see that you don't have a dog house......."

haha, very funny, I know. Now share yours!

 
These joke threads never work. They always turn into a shitload of racist jokes, that aren't even funny. Just racist.
 
1. drive through guy: may i take your order?

2. customer: i'll take some french fries.

1. sorry sir, we're out of french fries

2. o.k., then i'll have a little french fries

1. ummm... we don't have any french fries.

2. o.k. just give me a few french fries.

1. well tell me this first, who put the straw in strawberries?

2. nature did.

1. and who put the ape in apricot?

2. nature did.

1. so who put the freak in frenchfries?

2. ummm.. there is no freak in frenchfries.

1. THATS RIGHT THERE IS NO FREAKIN' FRENCH FRIES SO FUCK OFF BEFORE I PUNCH YOUR TEETH IN SO FAR THAT YOU HAVE TO SIT ON YOUR CHEESE BURGER TO EAT IT.

oh and the first joke was pretty stupid or i am under educated

 
it's the only joke i could come up with at the moment, i thought it was pretty lame too, but i just wanted to get it started. and it only turns into a bunch of racist jokes if people decide to post racist jokes... so please don't. there are some really funny jokes out there, somebody's gotta know a few
 
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations. So, he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted the ability".

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to! Please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm out working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly! It'd be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh, please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please!!"

On and on he went, like an excited little boy who..., well,...had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability. And so, Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his micturation while in a vertical position. He was so happy, he celebrated by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts, "What's left in here?"

"Oh yes," he said, "Multiple orgasms..."
 
SmarterChild (7:41:38 PM): How many humans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

skijunkiedtm (7:41:45 PM): how many?

SmarterChild (7:41:45 PM): A few.
 
A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was

listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living

room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of

*****es who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last

stop...and all of you sons of *****es who are gettin' on, get your

asses in the train, 'cause we're leaving!" The mother went in and told

her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want

you to go to your room for two hours. When you come out, you may play

with your train. But I want you to use nicer language. Two hours later,

her son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train.

Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All

passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all

of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and

hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just

boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your

seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope

that you will all have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.

For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay,

please see the ***** in the kitchen."

 
i actually laughed more when i read this than when i read the actual joke.

i dont have any jokes right now only racist or sexist ones so ill refrain.
 


A grade school teacher in upstate New York ( East Syracuse , I think)

(coulda been Baltimore ....)asked her class how many of them are

'Hillary fans'.

Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by

the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.

The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, 'I'm not a Hillary fan.'

The teacher says, 'Why aren't you a Hillary fan?'

Johnny says, 'I'm a George Bush fan.'

The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.

The boy says, 'Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George

Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!'

The teacher asks, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot ,

what would that make you?'

So Johnny replies, 'That would make me a Hillary fan.'
 


There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then

captured by

cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could

live if

they pass the trial.

First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and

get

ten

pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to

gather

fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."

The

king

then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your rear

with

out any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went

in...

but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.

When

the

king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should

be

easy.

1... 2...3...4...5...6...7...8... on the ninth

berry he burst out in laughter, therefore, he also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven.

The first guy asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"

The

second guy replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with

pineapples."

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua,

"Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got

dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They

walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts

on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in.

A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This

is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"

He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good."

The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a

pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says,

"Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my

seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me

a Chihuahua?"

The first grade class comes in from recess, and Teacher asks Mary, "What

did you do at recess?"

Mary says, "I played in the sand box."

Teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write

'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie."

She does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess.

Billy says, "I played with Mary in sand box."

Teacher says, "Good. If you write 'Box" correctly on blackboard, I'll

give you a fresh baked cookie."

Billy does, and gets a cookie.

Teacher then asks Bernie Goldberg what he did at recess.

He says, "I tried to play with Mary and Billy, but they threw rocks at

me."

Teacher says, "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial

discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant

racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

A businessman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan

officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and

needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such

a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked

on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the

bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee

drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the

interest , which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, We are very

happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out

very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we

checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles

us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?

The businessman replied: Where else in New York can I park my car for

two weeks for 15 bucks?

 
The birds and the bees-

A young pregnant mother was trying to explain to her little girl how she became pregnant. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took an egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.

Then the little girl asked her mother, "So, if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there? Does Mommy swallow it?"

The little girl's mother replied, "She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress."

^ stole from a site
 
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