www.physics.uwo.ca/ugrad/p021/course_information/bread.html
this is some interesting shit
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
this is some interesting shit
- More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
- Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
- In
the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the
average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases
such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations
- More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
- Bread
is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as
little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average North American eats more bread than that in one month!
- Primitive
tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer,
Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
- Bread
has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given
only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.
- Bread
is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such
as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
- Bread
has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90
percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body
being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a
soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
- Newborn babies can choke on bread.
- Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 240 degrees Celsius! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
- Most bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.
In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:
- No sale of bread to minors
- A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
- A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
- No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.
- The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
