Reconciling with the fact I wasted my 20s

duhamelski

duhamelski

Active member
Hey. Expecting some troll posts. Bring em on! I love this community for it's degenerate immaturity and that's why I came back here.

Anyways, this is going to be a somewhat more serious post than most. I'm turning 29 in one week exactly, and looking back on my 20s, I'm wondering WTF I've been doing all these years. By many measures, I'm what many people would consider "successful". I got an engineering degree from CU and spent the last 7 years bouncing between high paying tech jobs in the Bay Area. I've gotten a chance to travel to amazing places, have a small but close group of friends, and still go skiing nearly every weekend in the winter. However, looking back, I still can't help but feel like I wasted the past decade. I didn't grow up. I feel like I've just been faking some alter-ego to please some master which I signed all my time over to in exchange for money. I could have stayed true to myself and focussed on the things that really matter: friends, purpose, and love.

I guess I must have had unrealistic expectations. Back when I was a teenager, making posts here which guarantee I'll never hold an elected office (not like I'd ever want that anyways), I always thought that inevitably I'd do something really great, like starting a fortune 500 company while living in the mountains and going backcountry skiing every day. I used to have really cool hobbies, like graffiti, robotics, etc. I was naturally creative. Now, that's all gone. I spend hours in traffic each day commuting to/from work without any sense of purpose and cover up for that by drinking too much on weekends and occasionally stuffing my body full of drugs and listening to aggressive music. It feels empty.

So next year I'm turning it all in, quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and traveling full time. I have enough money to last a few years, but I don't have any idea what I'll do when I eventually go broke. I'm imposing a no-u-turn policy on myself. I'll try to make some money as a freelance programmer, and maybe give a shot at a few startups. I realize the odds are stacked against me and at some point I'll probably miss the comfort I've gotten used to. Just trusting that somehow things will work out.

Just posting this since it seems like there's still some old-timers here who might be able to relate.
 
I have a cool idea. How about instead of quitting your job, keep at it and donate it all to runforlove

its more important than your 20s

for real though op, good luck, i hope i dont fall into the same ditch
 
It sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself. Ever consider this empty feeling is just related to the depressive withdrawal in between binge drinking every weekend? Do you have a girlfriend or wife? If not, perhaps that's why you feel that void. Maybe you need a dog if you don't have one? Maybe you've realized that money isn't everything? Maybe you just have depression?

Or maybe you're having that young adult crisis where you are so bummed that you're not the king of the world, and the reality of life has finally caught up and you don't like the look of it. The proper term is "quarter life crisis". Harness it and use it to better yourself. Think on the bright side, you're doing better that most people.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/julesschroeder/2016/09/08/millennials-this-is-what-your-quarter-life-crisis-is-telling-you/

Do whatever makes you happy. Your degree is probably one of the best you can have considering how technically advanced our world is becoming. Your opportunities are endless and yeah that includes start ups that could make you filthy rich one day. Don't try to compare yourself to others as that will only lead to despair because there's always going to be someone richer, smarter, better looking, and doing cooler things than you.
 
I feel like no matter what I do, i'm wasting my life. I could get a real job but I won't be doing what I love often enough. I could work at a ski resort, but working as a liftie/waiter/etc isn't sustainable, I don't want to be poor all my life. I have no idea if people ever find a balance or if they are just pretending that they enjoy their life.
 
22, working at a bank and trying to get through college simultaneously while skiing every weekend. I worry about this too. Pretty much the only reason that I feel like I'm getting anywhere is because I have an awesome girlfriend who's in school to become a surgeon, who I'll in all likelihood end up marrying and starting a family with sometime down the road, so I need to have a high enough income to support a family in a nice neighborhood. If it weren't for her, I'd most likely end up doing exactly what you're doing right now.

Edit: You haven't wasted your 20s, having the money to be able to do whatever the fuck you want for the next few years with the ability to earn more pretty much whenever you want isn't a waste of time.

**This post was edited on Dec 9th 2018 at 9:06:15pm
 
13970508:IsitWinterYet17 said:
It sounds like you're doing pretty well for yourself. Ever consider this empty feeling is just related to the depressive withdrawal in between binge drinking every weekend? Do you have a girlfriend or wife? If not, perhaps that's why you feel that void. Maybe you need a dog if you don't have one? Maybe you've realized that money isn't everything? Maybe you just have depression?

Or maybe you're having that young adult crisis where you are so bummed that you're not the king of the world, and the reality of life has finally caught up and you don't like the look of it. The proper term is "quarter life crisis". Harness it and use it to better yourself. Think on the bright side, you're doing better that most people.
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I don't think I'm depressed. I'm actually pretty happy day-to-day and get excited about doing things on weekends. Had a few girlfriends through the years but nothing lasted. I would describe my feelings as burned out with the industry I'm working in and not really seeing any other way out. Looking back, it's feels like nothing's changed; nothing's going to change if I keep doing this. You're probably right to characterize it as a quarter-life crisis.
 
It's all relative man. I found the posts I made about "what do I do with my life" in HS and I thought my only options were: go to college just because and move out west to become a ski bum. I LOL @ that so hard now. I ended up going to college for free (Military) and living in Europe for 3.5 years (also Military). I didn't get to ski as much as I wanted, but I had a hell of a time when I did and I traveled to places I didn't even know existed. I made the choice I thought would be lame as hell, but ensure I had decent coin. It turned out more epic than I ever could have imagined.

Am I bummed that I worked a shit ton, didn't ski that much, and couldn't go places last minute? Yeah

Do I feel like I don't get to have as much fun as my friends that aren't tied to their job? Yup

But there's a higher chance I'd be sitting naked in a bean bag chair, eating a bag of cheetos, wondering what could have been.

I look back on it now and I wouldn't change a thing. Working for the weekend probably sucks, but don't sacrifice income when you don't have to. Plan extended vacations and go on crazy trips. I don't think dropping it all will meet your expectations when reality hits. My mantra is to ensure my work and life are both challenging, because then they rarely get stale.

I do agree that travel is vital, especially in your 20's. So do as much of that as possible, I know that might contradict what I said earlier in this post... but you can make it work, promise.

My 2 cents.
 
13970515:CLQ said:
I feel like no matter what I do, i'm wasting my life. I could get a real job but I won't be doing what I love often enough. I could work at a ski resort, but working as a liftie/waiter/etc isn't sustainable, I don't want to be poor all my life. I have no idea if people ever find a balance or if they are just pretending that they enjoy their life.
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anyone have an opinion on this cause this is the exact same thing I've been trying to figure out
 
At least your making good money even if you only have weekends off. During the week do you have much time to do anything other than work? Maybe try to find a job a little slower that you put in 40hrs a week and then your done and can enjoy your evenings, it'll probably come with a paycut though or find a job that is 100% remote work and just travel to wherever you feel since you don't have a wife yet.

Cut back on drinking/drugs for a bit to maybe see of that has any affect on the way you feel.
 
13970680:hubbards said:
anyone have an opinion on this cause this is the exact same thing I've been trying to figure out
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nope, it's been bothering me for years as well. I too feel like I'm stuck between the two worlds
 
As a college student, i look at money as the key to my happiness. I feel like all the problems in my life revolve around not being able to afford the life I want. I am not living in poverty, have a car, and I get to ski pretty much every day. But still my day-to-day life could be improved by more money. Reading your story seems to portray that "money cant buy happiness message". Did you feel this way early in college? What advice would you have for me?

In regards to your plan to turn it all in, good luck! It sounds like youll still have a backup source of income and who knows it could be the best decision of your life! cheers
 
Turning 26 this season.

By many measures I am what people would consider successful.

Upon receiving a degree in applied statistics I moved from bumfuck, NY down to Long Island.

I have a 9-5 that allows me to surf and fish frequently and ski on the weekends.

Although I do not get the 40 day ski seasons like my youth, I still get low 20s.

I feel like I live for the weekends and still have a great deal of growing up to do.
 
topic:duhamelski said:
Hey. Expecting some troll posts. Bring em on! I love this community for it's degenerate immaturity and that's why I came back here.

Anyways, this is going to be a somewhat more serious post than most. I'm turning 29 in one week exactly, and looking back on my 20s, I'm wondering WTF I've been doing all these years. By many measures, I'm what many people would consider "successful". I got an engineering degree from CU and spent the last 7 years bouncing between high paying tech jobs in the Bay Area. I've gotten a chance to travel to amazing places, have a small but close group of friends, and still go skiing nearly every weekend in the winter. However, looking back, I still can't help but feel like I wasted the past decade. I didn't grow up. I feel like I've just been faking some alter-ego to please some master which I signed all my time over to in exchange for money. I could have stayed true to myself and focussed on the things that really matter: friends, purpose, and love.

I guess I must have had unrealistic expectations. Back when I was a teenager, making posts here which guarantee I'll never hold an elected office (not like I'd ever want that anyways), I always thought that inevitably I'd do something really great, like starting a fortune 500 company while living in the mountains and going backcountry skiing every day. I used to have really cool hobbies, like graffiti, robotics, etc. I was naturally creative. Now, that's all gone. I spend hours in traffic each day commuting to/from work without any sense of purpose and cover up for that by drinking too much on weekends and occasionally stuffing my body full of drugs and listening to aggressive music. It feels empty.

So next year I'm turning it all in, quitting my job, moving out of my apartment, and traveling full time. I have enough money to last a few years, but I don't have any idea what I'll do when I eventually go broke. I'm imposing a no-u-turn policy on myself. I'll try to make some money as a freelance programmer, and maybe give a shot at a few startups. I realize the odds are stacked against me and at some point I'll probably miss the comfort I've gotten used to. Just trusting that somehow things will work out.

Just posting this since it seems like there's still some old-timers here who might be able to relate.
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I understand man. I'm turning 29 myself here on Wednesday. Trust me though it could be way worst. At 18 I made a horrible decision that got me locked up. I spent some time on the lam. Being a fugitive from the law is no way to live and i ended up getting busted in Montana while at the train station. I was extradited back to California where they threw the book at me. I spent most my twenties in prison. From 18 to 28 i was either in rehab, jail, on the run and prison.
 
13970812:JoeF2661 said:
I understand man. I'm turning 29 myself here on Wednesday. Trust me though it could be way worst. At 18 I made a horrible decision that got me locked up. I spent some time on the lam. Being a fugitive from the law is no way to live and i ended up getting busted in Montana while at the train station. I was extradited back to California where they threw the book at me. I spent most my twenties in prison. From 18 to 28 i was either in rehab, jail, on the run and prison.
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Well that is a hell of a story.

OP get better at your stories.
 
op you are fucking lame, same with everyone relating to the op's "struggle".

I come back on to newschoolers for one day and see this bullshit really?

Op stop being a bitch, seriously you are being a bitch, just stop.

You arent even complaining about anything, you are just bitching to bitch.
 
An investment said to have an 80% chance of success sounds far more attractive than one with a 20% chance of failure. The mind can't easily recognize that they are the same.
 
topic:duhamelski said:
I realize the odds are stacked against me and at some point I'll probably miss the comfort I've gotten used to. Just trusting that somehow things will work out.
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The odds are stacked against you? Come on, you're taking zero risk here..

Seriously, you have dev skills, the market is overflowing with freelance jobs for devs, even if you're not full stack. There are hundreds of freelance platforms out there making it extremely easy for you to find a new project remotely in hours if not minutes. Dev skills are pretty much the best safety net one can have out there right now. You really want to stack the odds against you? Sell all your stuff, give all your money to a charity, then backpack across Asia or something.

But seriously, go ahead and quit your job, leave your place, and travel to cool places (that are probably much cheaper than where you currently live). Take up a remote freelance project every now and then to generate some income, then travel some more.

Seriously you don't even have to use your savings, I wouldn't. If you haven't already you should front load your retirement instead, set that money aside and let it work for you. Then all you have to worry about is the day to day that you can easily finance with a quick freelance project every now and then.
 
13970959:cool_name said:
op you are fucking lame, same with everyone relating to the op's "struggle".

I come back on to newschoolers for one day and see this bullshit really?

Op stop being a bitch, seriously you are being a bitch, just stop.

You arent even complaining about anything, you are just bitching to bitch.
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Oh yeah dude I was totally being a little bitch. I woke up in the morning with a huge hangover and I just wanted to complain about my life. I was actually surprised when I logged on last night and didn't see more responses like this. Thanks for calling me out.
 
13970515:CLQ said:
I feel like no matter what I do, i'm wasting my life. I could get a real job but I won't be doing what I love often enough. I could work at a ski resort, but working as a liftie/waiter/etc isn't sustainable, I don't want to be poor all my life. I have no idea if people ever find a balance or if they are just pretending that they enjoy their life.
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^
 
if you were a sophomore in college (like me) what would you differently if you could go back?
 
13971027:suup said:
if you were a sophomore in college (like me) what would you differently if you could go back?
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Finish with an associates degree, move to a ski town and learn how to build houses.
 
I always thought you were 18 or so

13970812:JoeF2661 said:
I understand man. I'm turning 29 myself here on Wednesday. Trust me though it could be way worst. At 18 I made a horrible decision that got me locked up. I spent some time on the lam. Being a fugitive from the law is no way to live and i ended up getting busted in Montana while at the train station. I was extradited back to California where they threw the book at me. I spent most my twenties in prison. From 18 to 28 i was either in rehab, jail, on the run and prison.
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13971078:BigPurpleSkiSuit said:
I always thought you were 18 or so
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Haha. Nope. It's wierd though being older trying to do all the things I was supposed to be doing at 18. Like going to college.
 
Imposter syndrome.

Sounds like an awesome plan though man, you never know who you'll meet and where and how you might find an awesome new focus you're hyped on, that may also utilize your skillset and allow you to still make $$$.
 
it's just living in the bay area. not sure if it's the type of people, the amount of people, the cost of living, or the surplus of cement and strip malls... but no matter how long people stay here, it never feels like home. head somewhere else. being of midwestern roots, i find the quality of people out there so much greater than here. im 18 and have lived here for about 12 years with trips back to michigan at least twice a year, and whenever I leave the bay it feels like im back home. ive heard the same thing from everyone else who lives here. planning on heading off to college next year, and im just trying to get the hell out of the bay area.
 
13971027:suup said:
if you were a sophomore in college (like me) what would you differently if you could go back?
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I would have dropped out used all my tuition $ to buy bitcoin ><

In all seriousness though, my best advice to you is to finish your degree. Get a real job for a few years, the experience is important. Someone else pointed out that I'm not taking a big risk because I have in-demand skills, and they're right. When you're finally tired of it, smarter than your boss, so on (you'll know), take off to travel and go skiing a bunch. Don't stick around just because all your friends are doing the same. That's what I did and we're by-and-large still single and very much the same people we were when we moved here out of college.

It's worth noting that I did take 6 months off and backpacked around Europe before starting my current job. It was one of the best experiences ever. Everywhere I went, I met amazing people who I'm still close friends with today. There's something different about people who travel that's hard to find when you spend your days in an office. People have a different mindset. In hind sight I wish I'd have started that when I was 25 and never gone home. So, that's what I'm going to do...
 
Sounds like OP hit mid life crisis early...

All kidding aside, I can relate myself to your case. There were many nights in my 20s where I wondered if I was still on the right path. Now im 31 and found some temporary peace from existential crisis. Here is my story; I hope it helps give some perspective.

Life began at 21; I graduated from marine school and the future was bright. Had a job straight from school in the industry and began right away. There was a girl that was interested in me at the hill and seemed like a fair catch. What I did not expect was the learning curve of the job and how much people can be dicks. Anyway, to sum it up; I burnt out and then lived in a depressive state for 5 years. I basically told everyone to fuck off and leave me alone. All I kept was my career and a roof over the head.

At that time, I was skiing everyday in the winter. I gave myself 2 years in the East to find love or find a way to express my love for skiing. Neither happened and I moved away in 2012

By 25, I moved to BC looking for a better life. I did find it; I also found skiing again. Close friends were easy to make and I found myself feeling happy again. I found communities that share the same passions and felt a closeness to the new home. When I am at work for long periods of time, all I dream about is home. I have found some stability in life.

After a few years, I began to get frustrated about being single again. Its been a theme my entire 20s. The idea of settling down and having a family looked better as I got older.

As I look back, I can sum up my 20s in 3 points. Depression, Changing homes and still being lonely. I would agree it sounds depressive, but over 10 years, I found stability. I made life savings, invested in my sports and tried to capture as much on camera as possible, got better at my job and got promoted... so much development was done over that decade.

I think someone 20s is a time of development in a person's life stability. As long as you refined your skills or direction in life, the 20s should be considered successful. You cant expect to jump into the world and go great first time around. You have to suck at it and reevaluation your equilibrium in relation to the world. Asking the questions like: do I suck at my job? or Am I happy with this present situation and how can I make it better? An answer might be like yours: I loved the money, but I am not fulfilled. The next step is to reorganize your activities so they match your interests, then follow through with a deadline.

So your plan of tripping is great. I hope your goals are met.
 
Reading this gave me a bit of verification for the fact I didn't take a job in industry directly after graduating. I felt myself burning out while in school and might start looking in the spring
 
13973304:AndrewGravesSV said:
Reading this gave me a bit of verification for the fact I didn't take a job in industry directly after graduating. I felt myself burning out while in school and might start looking in the spring
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Start looking right now!

You have to strike well your degree is hot!

Do you really want to send the message to future employers that you burn out easily?

Get a job now, then negotiate a later start date if need be, but remember 2 weeks holiday is pretty normal, so don’t act like you NEED more than 2 weeks, you will seem soft and needy
 
13973312:cool_name said:
Start looking right now!

You have to strike well your degree is hot!

Do you really want to send the message to future employers that you burn out easily?

Get a job now, then negotiate a later start date if need be, but remember 2 weeks holiday is pretty normal, so don’t act like you NEED more than 2 weeks, you will seem soft and needy
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I went to school in the East and will be moving to SLC in January. I'll be trying to meet people and network before seeing what is out there very seriously. I'll only have been a year out come springtime which I feel is understandable to employers
 
13973313:AndrewGravesSV said:
I went to school in the East and will be moving to SLC in January. I'll be trying to meet people and network before seeing what is out there very seriously. I'll only have been a year out come springtime which I feel is understandable to employers
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You are going to do what you are going to do (and realistically not much you can do between no and January everyone will be busy with Christmas), but I would start reaching out to people as soon as you move to SLC. Have a convincing reason why you didn’t get a job right away (hopefully you went traveling and didn’t just goof around) ready to go for when the question asking why you didn’t get a job right away is asked.
 
13970812:JoeF2661 said:
I understand man. I'm turning 29 myself here on Wednesday. Trust me though it could be way worst. At 18 I made a horrible decision that got me locked up. I spent some time on the lam. Being a fugitive from the law is no way to live and i ended up getting busted in Montana while at the train station. I was extradited back to California where they threw the book at me. I spent most my twenties in prison. From 18 to 28 i was either in rehab, jail, on the run and prison.
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Whatchu do to end up in prison for 10 years?
 
13973397:everlast said:
Whatchu do to end up in prison for 10 years?
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I did 7 years. 1 year on the run, about a year in rehab and a year in jail fighting my case. I got into a car accident and was well over the legal limit and broke a couple of ribs of the person who I hit.
 
13973420:JoeF2661 said:
I did 7 years. 1 year on the run, about a year in rehab and a year in jail fighting my case. I got into a car accident and was well over the legal limit and broke a couple of ribs of the person who I hit.
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How’d u get 7 years for that? Vince Neil drove drunk in California and killed 2 ppl and didn’t spend a day in jail. Bruce Jenner killed a women in s driving accident a few years back. Your lawyer must have been garbage. Bcuz 7 years for that is bs
 
No my lawyer was good. I took an 8 year suspended sentence with a strike. Went to rehab and was 2 months from graduating and got kicked out for chewing tobacco. I violated ams knew I was going to get time so I took off to Montana.
 
Getting 7 years for chewing tobacco doesn’t make sense at all. I’ve been to AA meetings and like half the ppl there smoke cigs like crazy.
 
13973430:everlast said:
Getting 7 years for chewing tobacco doesn’t make sense at all. I’ve been to AA meetings and like half the ppl there smoke cigs like crazy.
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I'm guess the 7 years had more to do with running from the law for a year than anything else
 
13973324:cool_name said:
You are going to do what you are going to do (and realistically not much you can do between no and January everyone will be busy with Christmas), but I would start reaching out to people as soon as you move to SLC. Have a convincing reason why you didn’t get a job right away (hopefully you went traveling and didn’t just goof around) ready to go for when the question asking why you didn’t get a job right away is asked.
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Good to hear because that is the plan!
 
13973430:everlast said:
Getting 7 years for chewing tobacco doesn’t make sense at all. I’ve been to AA meetings and like half the ppl there smoke cigs like crazy.
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It was a super Christian program. I was doomed from the start. No in all actuality I should have been more mature and just went with everything.
 
13970812:JoeF2661 said:
I understand man. I'm turning 29 myself here on Wednesday. Trust me though it could be way worst. At 18 I made a horrible decision that got me locked up. I spent some time on the lam. Being a fugitive from the law is no way to live and i ended up getting busted in Montana while at the train station. I was extradited back to California where they threw the book at me. I spent most my twenties in prison. From 18 to 28 i was either in rehab, jail, on the run and prison.
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Were you on dirtbag diaries?
 
13973794:Lonely said:
Were you on dirtbag diaries?
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Haha. No I was not on dirtbag diaries. Whatever that is. I was young and reckless and never thought they would actually give me 8 years which I did 7 of. It's such a trip thinking about it now. The time while.doing it went by slow but a little over a year out I'm shocked how quick it went by and that I went through something like it. To be honest while I wish I didn't have to go away for that long I understand. A drunk behind the wheel of a car is the biggest weapon. The experience humbled me and now at 29 I'm just working to put the pieces back together. Prison politics in California are crazy. You are basically going back to 1960s Alabama. Everybody is so full of hate but you have to fall in line or become a victim.

**This post was edited on Dec 16th 2018 at 5:08:47pm
 
I didn't grow up. I feel like I've just been faking some alter-ego to please some master which I signed all my time over to in exchange for money. .[/QUOTE]

u dont have to grow up to be an adult

hold on to what is deemed childish things for as long as possible
 
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