Read this and tell me what you think.

elinde

elinde

Active member
A lot of you probably aren't so into poetry, but here's a poem my friend wrote. Give it a read, it is one of the more powerful things I have ever read.

To Give Up and Fly

I wonder if the rich man suffers.

That Wall Street millionaire who just finished

Scamming the last old lady of the day.

I wonder if he stands on the roof

and wonders how it would feel to fly

like one of those birds he never noticed.

to let go and plummet through the toxic

fumes of the Manhattan skyline.

I wonder if he thinks that maybe,

just maybe, he will grow golden wings

and soar over all the helpless people below,

escaping this bleeding world that he stabbed

blindly, digging the knife of his presence

into its virgin land.



I wonder if his tie blows up into his eyes

and pulls on his neck as he falls.

like the noose he never noticed was there.

I wonder if he turns away from the street and

looks up at the starless sky

(For there are no stars in this land of smoky solitude)

and wonders if God is more

than the bearded white man that gets in the way

of Sunday morning conference calls.

Does he believe a heavenly hand will come and

Carry him to safety?



I wonder if he thinks about the kids

he was too busy to have,

or his Prozac wife who won't be wondering

about him and why he’s not home yet

to let in their Shih Tzu,

Its affection the only thing that

ever brought him back.

I wonder how he got this way,

how he became the monster I now know.

Maybe he dreamed as a child,

dreamed of helping our lost planet.

I wonder if he thought of riches first,

to give them out to the rest of us.

I wonder if he just got stuck or even forgot

and if he remembers as he falls.

I wonder if the wind forces him around

so he’s facing the street as

it tickles his nose,

and in that moment I wonder if

he sees forgiveness in the sidewalk,

speckled with the gum of his past and warmed

by the countless others to land on its cement.

I wonder if he sees redemption in its cracks,

cracks like the ones in that old lady’s heart

as she wonders how people can be so cruel.

 
Sorry OP
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BTW there were multiple stanzas in that first large stanza, something went wrong with copy and paste.
 
I like the metaphor of the tie/noose, but other than that, it would be much more powerful/moving if it was tied into his own experience somehow--like the man he is talking about is himself, or his dad or something, something that hits you at the end.

Because without that, it just sounds like someone writing of clichés.

 
It was pretty good. Not great, but I couldn't do better, so props to your friend. Good amateur poetry imo.
 
Yeah I can get that. A lot of he stuff he does base off personal experience, this was one of his broader ones.

And by the way, the kids was 15 when he wrote that, just some perspective.
 
cant blame a kid for giving it his all. Im not overly stoked on it but to be honest the only poetry that Ive read is famous for a reason so I really dont have much perspective on amateur poetry.
 
yeah, don't get me wrong, I thought it was good-- just that wall street guys being corrupt and slaves to their jobs with no children and wives on prozac with little purse dogs and suicidal thoughts are cliche and so an ending with some shock value or that tied it into the poet's life would make it all that much better.
 
Yeah, it's been done to death, see the lyrics of Pink Floyd's Dogs. That being said, I still thought it was good.
 
And yes hahah I knew this was coming sooner or later. I am far too shy with my writing to share it on ns, I'm uncomfortable even sharing it with my friends. Yeah my friend Brian wrote it, just was looking through some of his old stuff and this moved me a bit.
 
I'm an english/creative writing major, and this is one of the worst poems i've ever read. Just line after line of cliche. The only thing that saves it is knowing the author was only 15 when he wrote it, because there are one or two lines that show possible potential, after you get past the eye-roll inducing levels of cliche.

You really need to read more, op, if this is one of the most powerful things you've ever read.
 
I'm with this guy.

Also, no, poems don't have to rhyme, but they are supposed to hold some type of consistent stanza formation. This does not. This was literally just an abstract that the author put in random line-breaks on and called it a poem.
 
And before someone comes back and tells me that the idea of a poem is in the eye of the beholder, that's horseshit that people who can't write tell themselves. There's a reason classic poetry receives the praise it gets. It's not easy to do well.

OP, tell you friend to keep at it and don't stop writing.
 
Yeah I see all the chichés. I guess I really didn't read closely at first. And I read quite a bit, usually an hour or two every day. I suppose I've just never read that much poetry, and I'm trying to get more into it. And also thanks for the criticism everyone, even though it wasn't for me it helps out an aspiring writer.
 
Also that most powerful thing I've ever read line was an overstatement. I just think I was stoked at seeing something written from one of my friends that gave me a little push, even if it was cliché.
 
If you're just starting to read poetry i'd recommend buying some kind of anthology (preferably after 1900. I think most people would agree with me when I say it's much more enjoyable to read than older stuff) so you can read a wide range of stuff and figure out what you do and don't like. You'll also discover a lot of poets you probably wouldn't read otherwise.

If you want, I can pm you a list of my personal favorites, so as not to clutter up the thread
 
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