bigbromskier
Active member
I'd agree with it being wordy. I liked the concept of it and the metaphors you were using, but it could be simplified, which would make it easier to read and subsequently stronger.
I thought this bit was good: "I enjoyed this sacred hymn with utter glee; each bar was a wave of
pure excitement drowning me in ecstasy"
But it's hard for me to get a real feeling for what you're enjoying because the sentences leading up to it aren't nearly as smooth. "The oscillating squeaks of the chairlift's tired old wheels formed the melody playing over the bass line of my viscously pounding heart." I'm not sure it portrays exactly what you were intending, but the way I reworked it makes it flow a little better, it's easier to read and thus more powerful.
Simplifying your sentences is especially important at the start of a paragraph. Keep it simple and less specific to draw the reader in and expound upon your thought through the rest of the paragraph. Also, don't be afraid to combine many sentences into one; I think this would really help that paragraph where you go down into the ravine--keeping it as one sentence will give the reader the same feeling of relentless adrenaline that you're trying to portray as they read faster and faster, devouring the experience you're describing, instead of being hobbled by the many breaks resultant of starting new sentences. It's a fun/challenging exercise to write everything in one sentence without making it a run-on; I'm reading a book now where the author used one sentence for an entire part of the book, like 6 pages. It was kind of a marathon read, but it worked because it was intended to show the interconnection of all the separate stories as they all worked to create the book's singular storyline.
Keep writing, though, you've got a good start and practice makes perfect!
I thought this bit was good: "I enjoyed this sacred hymn with utter glee; each bar was a wave of
pure excitement drowning me in ecstasy"
But it's hard for me to get a real feeling for what you're enjoying because the sentences leading up to it aren't nearly as smooth. "The oscillating squeaks of the chairlift's tired old wheels formed the melody playing over the bass line of my viscously pounding heart." I'm not sure it portrays exactly what you were intending, but the way I reworked it makes it flow a little better, it's easier to read and thus more powerful.
Simplifying your sentences is especially important at the start of a paragraph. Keep it simple and less specific to draw the reader in and expound upon your thought through the rest of the paragraph. Also, don't be afraid to combine many sentences into one; I think this would really help that paragraph where you go down into the ravine--keeping it as one sentence will give the reader the same feeling of relentless adrenaline that you're trying to portray as they read faster and faster, devouring the experience you're describing, instead of being hobbled by the many breaks resultant of starting new sentences. It's a fun/challenging exercise to write everything in one sentence without making it a run-on; I'm reading a book now where the author used one sentence for an entire part of the book, like 6 pages. It was kind of a marathon read, but it worked because it was intended to show the interconnection of all the separate stories as they all worked to create the book's singular storyline.
Keep writing, though, you've got a good start and practice makes perfect!
