i couldn't sleep last night so i wrote this instead. i dunno how good it is but whatever, considering i was so tired at the time i was quite pleased with it:
_________________________________________________________________________________
5am
I’m lying awake in my bed, thinking about you and how i know
we’ll never be together, and about how much i hate myself and how tired
I’ve become. I can’t sleep, and i’m sure i’d feel better if i did, but
right now my mind is stuck in the present and the past.
Any thought that passes through my head feels distant and fake, and
lingers only for a second before disappearing as suddenly as it came.
Earlier today i was full of grand hopes and fantasies for the future but
now they have gone. Anything happening beyond this moment is now an
impossibility and a lie.
Like my thoughts, every inch of my body feels drained and empty. Not
only am i tired in the sense that i need sleep, but i sleep and i wake
up and i still feel the same. I struggle to remember a time when this
wasn’t the case, and that thought is so unbearably crushing. Only
thinking of you, or rather your absence, is worse.
Even without you I rarely feel truly alone, as i genuinely enjoy my
own company, but again right now everything, and everyone, seems so
distant. The silence, broken only by the birds outside heralding the
onset of the dawn, was once friendly and comforting but now feels cold,
vacuous and threatening. The crack of light through my curtains serves
as nothing other than a reminder that the clock is slowly ticking.
I look in the mirror, hoping that even in myself i might find some
empathy, but it hangs there like a vivid, hollow portrait of someone who
once knew something, trapped in a moment that has long since passed.
I stare into his eyes hoping for a glimmer but there is nothing, just
a blank shell of a man staring back, cursed to forever look upon this
world knowing that he is not i, and i not he. Only once i realise this
do i feel anything in common with him, and for a second the loneliness
almost dissipates. I look away, not able to hold his gaze for a second
longer. The atmosphere thickens and i’m drowning again.
I’ve become almost resigned to the fact that i feel this way now. I
just want to lie and learn as much as possible from it because pretty
soon this moment will pass, just as his did, and this will be no more
than a memory to be kept locked away, safe from the world, only to be
dwelled upon when this inevitably comes round again. Then, and only
then, will i stand and face that man once more.
_________________________________________________________________________________
can i just add that the "you" that i talk about is not a specific person but more the idea of someone, so please don't ask who "she" is