NS CONFESSIONS

i cried during the movie click, yeah you know the one, with adam sandler. i was not stoned at all, jsut insanely immotional i guess. what the fuck is wrong with me?
 
I was shredding with some homies and a sexy ass girl at whistler last season. I think it was in march or april, we were lapping black park. I had been sending cork 5s off the shack jump but they slowly were getting worse and worse. well, I go to drop in before the group of friends Im with with what seemed like a lot more speed than I had on previous drop ins. carve off the lip hard, get pretty inverted, and basically go cork 450 so im completely horizontal in the air and booom I hit knuckle sideways, my ass spread apart so fucking hard it hurt so bad. so i get up and ski down to the side of the jump in pain. an im like daaamn. the friends ski down making sure I was okay im like yeah yeah that just hurt whatever. so they start skiing down toward the lift and im like fuck, it kinda feels like..wet in my pants. holy shit i better not be bleeding. I investigate at the side of the jump, and sure enough I fucking sharted my pants on impact when my ass cheeks got pulled in opposite directions. it was the grossest thing ive ever exerienced. I told the crew I was going for a waterbreak next run, went into the bathroom and fucking ripped my boxers off and left them in the bathroom. cleaned myself up, and skid commando for the rest of the day.

yeah that just happened
 
I went to a ski movie with a buddy and this other chic and she brought another friend. well between the double feature we went and pounded some jack daniels we go back in and watch the second then after we are just rolling around the village and we see a hottub. I am like whoo lets go hottubbing so the friend (who was a grade lower than me) take off her shirt and pants in just her bra and thong and gets in. I figure ok i will get in too so i strip down to boxers and hop in the hottub. so shit leads to shit and i end up fingering her while we are making out in this hottub. She still had her cherry but i didnt wanna get blood in the hottub so i didnt pop it. anyways my buddy and the other chic see whats up and leave to give some privacy. so shit keeps going and i end up standing up leaning against the edge with her going down (i imagine my dick tasted like hottub water). I had whiskey dick and she was not very experienced so i was going very very very slowly. so she is going and i am looking around being the drunk fuck i was. i see a securioty camera pointed straight at us and being in my inebriated state simple think "oh shit good thing it didnt see us hop the fence". I am still not near and a family walks into the pool area but i wasnt really paying attention so i didnt notice them for like 20 second. I finally notice and sit down in the tub and i caught the tip on her bottom teeth when i sat down. fuck did that hurt. anyways they walk towards the pool and the dad is next to the bubbles controler and he had such a funny look on his face. He asked us whether we wanted bubbles but being drunk i said no thank you. Well they started swimming so we awkwardly got dressed and left. i found out like 3 days later i had been the first guy she had even kissed (it was wierd she was like a 6 or 7 and 15.) Anyways LONG STORY SHORT: i fucked some chic i had never met before's innocence in the mouth and it was caught on camera and witnessed by a family. I texted her once when i was drunk but otherwise i havnt even looked at her much less spoken in person.
 
this one time in highschool there was a big party, like one of the best of the year (the best for me). I ended up hooking up with the girl i went to prom with, mostly just making out blah blah blah. As the night went on i got so blackout, I only remember instances. But of those instance was hooking up with two my sisters good friends and i vaguely remember one of them giving me a blow job in the bathroom. I woke up the next afternoon at this girls house with no one home and it was 2pm in the afternoon. I never talked to any of the girls about it or my sister but I felt baller as shit for a few weeks.

sparknotes: got blackout and hooked up with 3 girls in one night, 2 of which were my older sisters good friends
 
My parents were gone on vacation for a weekend and i was having my gf over, i was shaving my pubes and all was good until my cat ran by and startled me, i cut myswlf horibly and had to go to the hospital, i got 3 stiches onthe base of my shaft, ouldnt do anything with it for lime a month, not my proudest moments at all.
 
this isnt too bad but one time i was at rugby practice with my team then this big kid kept fucking up the line outs cause i was jumping. so i told him to stop pushing me before the ball was down but he kept doing it, so next time he tried to do it i kneed him in the balls really fucking hard and pretended it was an accident....

another one that wasn't me was about 2 years ago, one of our friends was being a massive douchebag and we were getting fed up. so one day he left his hoodie at my friends house, so my friend decided to use it as a cum rag. he jizz all over his hoodie, but it in the sleeves, the pockets, the hood everywhere! then he wore it to school for like 3 weeks after this happened. he never could figure out why everyone was laughing at him. (to be fair he did the exact same thing to the guy that came in his hoodie).

one more is this one kid who i thought was my best friend started to fuck me over, he would steal stuff from me, make me pay for him (even though he had shitloads of money), talk shit behind my back, and fuck my relationships up with girls. so i had his jacket and he kept asking for it back, so i decided to fuck with him. i took a piss int he toilet, dipped the sleeves int he water, i jizzed in the pockets, i wiped shit near the neck and then i cut a small opening in the jacket and dropped cheese in it. i gave it back to him the next day, i hope he starts to wear that jacket soon
 
oh and i been fucking this girl who has a boyfriend who happens to be deeply in love with her, pretty sure he asked her to merry her or some shit.
 
marry*

oh i just remembered, so i went over to this girls house one time, her whole family is there and her mom for some reason hates guys. idgaf really so im just up in this girls room chilling, you know making out w.e her mom keeps coming in and asking shit. then all of a sudden she says "i wanan fuck you right now" im like uhh i dont wanna ur moms gonan walk in then she starts to get on top of me and idk what to do. im like FUCK IT. so we started fuckign and here is music on, then we go i dont wanna be on the bed lets fuck standing up in the bathroom. so we go into her bathroom, so basically there is one door which u go into her room, then theres a walk in closet then theres another door to her bathroom, so we were in her walk in closet and then her bathroom is int here, we were fuckign right there doggy style and i can see all the way down her walk in closet, then out fono where we hear two knocks,i have my pants around my ankles and am fuckign the shit out of this chick, then the door opens we freak out i jump around my ass compeltely showing whoever just opened the door, it could be anyone, her maid, sister, mom, or dad. we quickly close the door to her bathroom and dont knwo what to do. i finally get the balls to walk out of her house from her room i run down her stairs and get out as fast as i possibly can. it turns out it was her maid and she necer told her mom. i got a few more about sneaking around her house but its too long and i dont htink you guys would be too interested in it.
 
you're bragging about banging a chick in her bathroom and supposedly fucking the shit out of her but you think it's "gross" to go down on a chick?

ya you're a douche
 
When I was about 8 or 9, maybe 10, my dad and I visited my grandma one afternoon. We hung around there for a little bit, she gave me a sweatshirt that she'd been saving (probably from Goodwill or Salvation Army), and then my Dad and I went to Sports Mart, which is basically a Sports Authority.

While browsing around, I got that feeling in the stomach. The "diarrhea just dropped into my stomach and then my anus in a matter of milliseconds" feeling. I wandered off from my dad to find the bathroom. After searching with no luck for a few minutes, I asked an employee where the bathroom was. He said it was by the bikes near the front of the store. I quickly ran to that direction, but could not find it. I walked up and down the bike aisles repeatedly for the next few minutes. Still couldn't find it.

The pain was terrible. My ass was burning. There was no time to find my dad or another employee. My time had run out.

I made my way into the corner of the store in the bike aisle. I slowly pushed. Wet farts, followed by mud-textured shit came out. I began to walk a little bit thinking it'd be smarter to not stay in one place. So much pressure had built up that it was time to release it all. I let out a huge fart and massive amounts of diarrhea poured out. Still walking and wet poop dripping down my inner thighs, I continued to squirt away.

By the time I finished, my legs were caked and soaked with diarrhea. I was wearing those nike swooshy nylon pants that were tight around the ankles...yes, the poop collected all in there. And what ran out just went into my socks.

I found my dad a few minutes later and we left. As we walked out, I looked over to the bike section and saw that the bathrooms were just on the other side of the wall, closest to the exit doors. I had never felt so shitty before. Pun intended.

The story doesn't end there. It was time to drive home, probably about a 30 minute drive. While in the car, I propped myself up ever so slightly so that my dad couldn't tell (I didn't want to sit directly in my shit, although I was already covered in it so don't ask me why). I rolled down my window immediately after entering the car. During the drive, he asked what that awful smell was and I quickly said that it must be the sweatshirt that grandma gave me. He believed it. He continued to make remarks about the stench throughout the drive, but never accused me.

We got home and my idiotic self ran to my parents bathroom and threw my pants in their dirty clothes hamper and showered. About an hour later I was sitting downstairs all nice and fresh and I heard my dad yell my name. You know, the yell from your parents where you know they're mad and that you're about to get reamed.

He scolded me. I confessed. Fuck Sports Mart. And yes, this is a 100% true story.
 
This one is rather lengthy and idgaf about anonymoity.

So it had been a rather long night of partying and everything was going good. I met up with my ex girlfriend (we were going out at the time for quite a while) and we went back to her house. While we were there things were getting pretty heated and i tore her pants off and started going to work. Now my ex girlfriend was a tiny little thing, standing only 5'2 weighing maybe 120 (most of it in her boobs and ass) and I was 6'2 200. I tore off the black spandex she was wearing and started fucking her on her living room couch and she was moaning pretty loud. Because of this, neither of us realized her mom had been home the whole time and she was sitting outside in the backyard watching this unfold.I dont think she meant to let it get to the extent that it did but once we started, she didnt stop us. When I saw her standing there at the backdoor I Immediately froze. Her eyes were wide with shock as were mine, but she quickly mouthed "dont stop!". Confused, I continued to fuck her while she watched. It was one of the strangest yet hottest experiences of my life. I finished on her daughters face and as I did so i swear I could see her mom lick her lips. She quickly hustled away from view as I got changed and left, making up some lame excuse as to why I couldnt stay. Afterwards, her mom texted me drunk saying how much she wanted to fuck me. It made going over there pretty weird at first, but when her daughter was getting changed or whatever else she would flirt with me and even get pretty handsy. One time, when both of us were hammered again (this is a single mom by th way) we met up and she gave me dome in my car. I can honestly say I came on her moms face. Greatest relationship I ever had. I wish i still ahd the texts to show you guys
 
10505896:jkauffman22 said:
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I've done quite a bit of prison time. The one thing that kept me going was subscriptions to freeskier and powder.
 
One night in high school me and my friends were cruising around just having a good time and blazing it up. It was getting pretty late, maybe like midnight ish and for some reason we wanted to go to the park and stair at the stars. When we pulled in the parking lot my buddy hit the curb so hard with his ford focus that it actually popped the front tire that hit. We were so blazed and laughing that we didn't realize it popped we just thought it had hit hard (honestly not sure how we didn't realize from the loud pop) but we just went in the park and chilled on the grass for a while. We came back and as we went to leave we heard that flop flop flop on the completely flat tire. One of the other guys that we were with had an ex who also drove a ford focus, and suddenly he had the greatest high idea... we were gonna jack her tire. She lived like half a mile away and so we took the spare tire out of my homies car and rolled it over to her house, jacked her car up and took one of her tires and left her with the spare. Not super proud of it but still a memory that always makes me chuckle and think about how big of a dumbass I was.
 
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