NEED HELP WITH A CREATIVE WRITING CLASS

[Wheaty214]

Okay, so I have to revise a poem for my summer writing class that I am taking.

This is the poem that I chose to revise which had to be requesting something from a certain person for a certain reason:

To The One I May Someday Call My Own

Thank you for driving in when you did

I hope you choose

To cruise for a long while

But here are the road rules,

For navigating this winding road I call my life.

Don't stray too far from the centerline

But please don't get too close

I'm an extra wide load and I,

Take up a bit of the road.

Sometimes your destination seems so distant

Sometimes you're oh so close,

You'll probably never get to the end of your route,

There's construction all up and down this path,

Hopefully you'll still be driving,

And get to see the aftermath.

It's a long road ahead but

I promise it's worth it,

Sometimes there's dead stop traffic,

Sometimes there's no one else in sight.

Many others have gone down this asphalt before

Though they've never been at fault before

You'll need to stop and take some breaks

The road crew may make some big mistakes

You'll get scratched up along the way

After a while of driving

You'll get to know the road

It's twists and turns

Will never grow old

Now if you dare venture further this way

Just know it's a challenge

I'll wear out your tires

But I hope you'll stay

But please don't stop driving

Keep your hands on the wheel

Your foot on the gas

And in the end I promise it will be worth it,

Stick it out with me and it'll be oh so worth it.

​

There is a fuck ton of abstract language, not nearly enough concrete language, and it's pretty cliche. I kind of just want to start a completely new poem with the same kind of theme but twist it in a unique way. Any suggestions on how to improve it?

Thanks everyone.

+k for helpful insight.​

 

[Wheaty214]

These are some comments by my classmates on how I could improve my poem.

It's really clear you're a strong writer. This poem could benefit from being more straightforward. Providing more explanation in throughout would make the poem more unique. Right now, this poem could apply to anyone so try to make it more personal.

I'm not sure where you're going with your tone at some points. The abstract language made your tone unclear for me at times.

Any more figurative language and I would have been completely lost. I got the "impenetrable haze poem" deadly sin vibe.

I really like the rhyming in your poem! However, I would look at some of the lines in your stanzas that don't quite go with the flow. I noticed that when I was reading, sometimes there were a few lines that just didn't need to be there (especially look at the end of your stanzas). I found your theme to be unique while getting across the concept so I think that you are okay on that aspect! I would suggest changing up a few of the stanzas to show more emotion, I felt like the stanzas weren't very powerful because it all had the same tone. It would help to use more of a visual detail to enhance that. Otherwise, great draft!

I really liked the word choice and sound of your poem.The rhyming helped the words and lines flow together, although some lines felt as if there were simply too many syllables. I like the hopeful and inspiring tone of the poem, but it felt lacking a small amount. I would agree with Mackenzie that adding some more emotions would help spice it up

 

[Literature]

Pysched to see this here; my degree is in creative writing. I do miss those days in workshop, where I'd bring in something I was so proud of and watch my friends tear it to pieces because they cared about me getting better. There's honestly nothing better for learning to graciously accept criticism, and that's a skill that many people don't have.

When you're evaluating a poem, there are three main areas to start with: form, content, and meaning.

Form:

Here, you're working in a sometimes rhymed, otherwise free verse single stanza with varied length lines. This gives you some freedom, but the erratic nature of the rhymes gives structure sometimes that only makes the non-rhymed parts feel weaker because they're outside of the structure. . Unless they mean a lot to you, I'd ditch them as they add to the cliché feel.

Content:

There's a whole truckload of road imagery here, and some unidentified other party to whom you're writing. There's a sincere awareness of thanks, wonder, and an uneasy relationship to your own insecurities with this person. Because you're riffing on the same theme throughout, it's damn hard to continually come up with fresh material--so you repeat yourself.

This is a love poem, and that makes your task harder. The class audience you're workshopping with doesn't feel the same emotions as the person you're addressing, so they're coming in from a different context when they read/evaluate. You're sharing something personal with them, and to keep from getting too vulnerable, you've kept it really vague and used the road and driving metaphors to only hint at details. There's an additional audience problem in that you're very close to the other person and the subject matter, and while that can be a benefit, it also blinds you to some of the potentially problematic things that might be going on.

Meaning:

You like this person, she showed up at a good time, you're on the journey of the relationship, but it won't be easy, you know this, but please stick it out because it will be worth it.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Revision can take many forms, but here's what I'd suggest:

-What you've got here is a great start, because I can access the overall meaning. There's already plenty of emotion going on, but not much in the way of good poetic scenery or story. This comes because of the audience issues I already mentioned, plus the fact that it's scary to have your classmates dissect your life. You take a risk when you open that part of yourself up to the reader, and your instinct to do that is great.

-So I say go full throttle there: instead of hiding behind a bunch of passable road metaphor, write the actual stories. Nut up and risk it for your reader. Keep the idea, but revise all your writing about it, and don't worry about rhyme schemes yet. Talk about the significant other showing up, and the circumstances. Give me details to listen to. Talk about your insecurity, and give me story reasons to pay attention. Do the details, because those set it apart from every other love poem I've read. And by the end, give me the sense that it'll be worth it by writing stories, not stating it outright.

Hope this helps, and feel free to PM me with any other questions/revisions. I'd love to see where you take this.

-David