My Novel I am writing

InfernoHits

InfernoHits

Active member
I'm been writing a novel and I want some feedback on the first chapter or intro of the book. See if I should change anything. Its really not that long.

Jacob stood atop the bridge overlooking the river he once loved so dearly. One-Hundred and ten feet up, death was a guarantee. Agony shot pains through his heart and down the back of his spine. “This world has nothing left to offer, its resources have been used up. In beauty I see only pain, in youth I see corruption. Black is the day and darker is the night, blue waters run red with the blood, and blue skis are foreboding. This is not my fault!”

Fighting back his inner demons Jacob new what must be done. Too many have been hurt, too many are now six-feet under. His heart pumped ice and his limbs were daggers. This insanity must end now, Jacob knew the slayings were wrong, but he could not stop. The urge was rising up in his heart, someone else was going to die. “I will not do it, leave me alone! I’m ending this now, I can not go on.” Jacob began to sob heavily. “Stop crying Jacob, I didn’t create you to be like this.” Screamed Trent.

He inched towards the edge. A tear dribbled down his face and fell from his cheek, foreshadowing what was to come next. Jacob took a deep breath and cursed the heavens. “I am sorry momma.” Trent’s screams could be heard in the background, begging Jacob not to do it. Jacob released the railroad tie and leapt towards freedom.

anything constructive would be of great help to me, thanks guys
 
The kids father dies when he is young and he creates an imaginary friend to cope with it, eventually the imaginary friend takes him over mentally and he becomes scitso and kills people who he is close to. The book starts off with his suicide and traces through his life from when his father dies until the point where he commits suicide. It is sort of a psycho analysis of the kid through his life while growing up. Trent who si yellin gin that chapter is his alter-ego, the imaginary friend
 
so what do you mean by putting too much effort into it. Does it just not flow and sound choppy. Like should I change some of my word choice?
 
it reads like you are trying to make it dense, using 7 words rather then using the mere 3 or 4 that it takes. Try to ease up on the metaphors and such, they don't have to be in every sentence. If you do that they lose their impact and power, and it gets annoying. Strip down you writing a little and don't try to stun people every sentence with your imagery and figurative language, its tends to become annoying.
 
that makes em want to read it, what are yuo writing it for. And if that's the intro you might want to slowly lead into the 'slayings' and the reasons everyone is so sketched out, to kinda build up the suspense, ya know how it is
 
very well siad, i agree.

sound very interesting, plz let me know when your finished, maby you can e-mail me or something. It sound hella-good
 
i would drop the "blue skies are foreboding" part at the end of the first paragraph. it doesn't flow really well at all and you already told the reader of all his toubles and such. either drop it or reword it so it flows better
 
alright, take my advice or don't, dosen't matter to me. but anyways, I agree that first part was interesting and very well written, however, I could no sit down and read a novel that is as dense as that. For the lenght it is now, the density is fine, but once you add more pages its going to get mind boggling and probably uninteresting. try to leave out all the metaphors and similes ect. and just work on content. then go back and add metaphors etc where appropriate.
 
I thought it was written pretty well, and it's nice to see that everything posted here is constructive criticism.

I'm going to agree on most of what people said. In a situation like this, where things are tense and someone is close to jumping off a bridge...things should move quick. Try to be a little more concise and dramatic. You don't need to spend so much time painting the picture, as you should use words that speak to people.

One more thing, I'd change:

'One-Hundred and ten feet up, death was a guarantee.'

If you are going to say 'death was a guarantee,' then explain what from (if you FELL then death was guaranteed.. or just cut that line out completely.

or take it in a new direction:

For example: The bridge towered over the city, and below it lurked jagged rocks to greet visitors.

just a thought, but you get the idea.
 
sounds cool, but kinda wack...

look at verb tense agreements (past/present), and some minor spelling stuff is in there too. some of the images don't really flow for me (limbs like daggers?)

good though... keep it rollin
 
change the word resources... other than that its pretty good. a bit to wordy, you may want to talk to someone that has been their mentally just to get some better background into how that feels.
 
so it's kinda like The Catcher in the Rye? i hated that book but, thats becase holden was a whiney little bitch. make your character not as big of a bitch and your book will kick major ass. i'm already very interested in it. keep it up man!
 
go through each sentance in the first paragraph and count the words, the average should be around 8, but you should have some sentaces that are like 4-5 words and some can be like 15+ but try to vary your sentance structure. use one long sentance and then a shorter one. but yeah dont stress too much over it, it just seems kindof exhausting reading all that, it needs to be a little more fast paced, good discription tho!
 
nah dude that book is awesome..holden isnt complaining...hes trying to protect kids from phonies...the catcher in the rye is symbolic of how he wants to catch kids from falling ooff the cliff of maturity
 
i was pondering jumping a 110 foot bridge... maybe i still will... i figure if 90s no big deal, why not go for 110. make him jump from higher.
 
If you want to write a great book, a good idea is not the only necessary thing (although very important). Yours doesen't sound bad. If you want a few pointers read what I have to say:

- Before writing a book, draw a very precise plan. If the foreshadowing acts as a prologue, after there has to be the "classic structure" :an initial state (exposition, definition of the characters), and then one event that changes everthing (in your case sounds as if it is the death of the father). Some writers skip the initial state and start with the event, but then they have to think of creative ways to define the characters. After that there is a string of events that will lead to a climax (the suicide) and a resolution (often there aren't any resolutions), which is a return to a normal state.

-If you wish to stray away from the traditionnal way of writing a book, feel free to (it can be very interesting) but don't completely destroy convention and get all crazy: people can get annoyed. Define very well your own style.

-If you adopt a non-traditionnal style of writing (for example the characters talk very dramatically or the narration is very lyrical, like yours sounds), you have to apply rigor because it can get very hard always writing that way.

-And if you adopt that style, be sure to stick to it. The ski reference in the middle of that sentence kind of ruins it.

-Try using style figures like irony, metaphors, comparisons, or lyrical ones (repetition) to make your writing surprising and very vivid.

-It's a good idea to try to pass a general message in your book. Even if the story in itself follows the path of Jacob, it would be very interesting, by very short and subtle passages (conversations, events that aren't important to the storyline) to transmit your philosophical view on the subjetc, i.e your frustration with how mental illness is perceived or dealt with. Or else your novel might be accused of being devoid of meaning.

Just a few pointers to get you on your way. Although I prefer writing non-fiction, this is a fragment of what I learned it litterature and imaginary at college.
 
Too Be pirfectly hones i was planning on writing a novel too. I'm not sure what I am gonna write about, it just might be a bunch of random stuff, or the life of your average Teenager, and how problems come up... but yah, sounds pretty sweet.
 
plot sounds exactly like fight club...

It does feel kind of choppy, and it reads like you're trying way too hard to make it feel dramatic.

I'd take a step back, maybe write some short stories or something, and come back to it in a year.
 
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