"Dear Max, I am sorry to say that I have secretly found out that Mr. Blume is having an affair with Miss Cross. My first suspicions came when I saw them frenching in front of our house. And then I knew for sure when they went skinny dipping in Mr. Blume's swimming pool, giving each other handjobs while you were taking a nap on the front porch."
3rd - "We're gonna cut the head off the Dope Snake. And watch it writhe around - in its own feces, blood and mucus, dragging its entrails, making concentric circles in the sand - before it expires."