Jokes... It's all Jokes.. Add 'em Here!

Q: What did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for christmas?

A: Cancer

Q: Why did the boy fall off his bike?

A: He got hit by a fridge.

Q: What do you call an African rolling up hill?

A: Black Magic.

Q; What do you call an african sitting in the gutter with a piece of sheet metal?

A: Divorced, he got the house and the wife got the kids

A grasshopper walked into a bar and the bartender said "We have a drink named after you". The grasshopper replied "What? Barry?"
 
this one is a tad offensive and id liek it to be known that i dont actually mean it. so dont take it personally.

why are gorillas assholes so big

cus your moms got a huge dick
 
so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and he says "argh! can i get me a drink?" the bartender replies "well sure, but what the hell is that in your pants?" the pirate responds "argh! i dont know, but she's drivin me nuts!"
 
What's the similarity between a fucking a whore and bungee jumping?

-If the rubber breaks you're fucked.

Whats the difference between your job and your wife?

-Job still sucks after 10 years.

How do you start a Jewish parade?

-Roll a penny down a hill.

How did Helen Keller meet her husband?

-Blind date motherfuckas!!
 
I screwed it up....

Q: What do you get when you cross a black guy and a jew?

A: Someone who has to sit in the back of the gas chamber.

There ya go.
 
U know when u get ur report card back and it has all F's on it? do u go back to the teachers and say THROW SOME D's ON THAT BITCH-solja boy
 
what do you call a black preast...

HOLEY SHIT

whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road...

THE DOG HAD SKID MARKS LEADING UP TO IT

whats th difference between a hard working nigger and big foot

BIG FOOTS BEEN SPOTTED

 
what do you call a black preast...

HOLEY SHIT

whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road...

THE DOG HAD SKID MARKS LEADING UP TO IT

whats th difference between a hard working nigger and big foot

BIG FOOTS BEEN SPOTTED

three things a black man cant get?

 
what do you call a black preast...

HOLEY SHIT

whats the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead nigger in the road...

THE DOG HAD SKID MARKS LEADING UP TO IT

whats th difference between a hard working nigger and big foot

BIG FOOTS BEEN SPOTTED

three things a black man cant get?

A BIG LIP A SUN BURN AND A JOB...

why dont niggers listen to country

BECAUSE EVERY TIME THEY SAY HOE DOWN THEY THINK THERE SISERS GOT SHOT

what do you call a bunch of niggers barried up to there necks

AFRO TURF!!
 
whats faster than the mexican running with teh tv?

the other one with the vrc

whats the difference between a jew and a pizza

the pizza doesnt scream as it goes in the oven

how do you punsih hellen keller

leave the plunger in the toilet
 
why did hellen keller break her arm going down the highway

she tried to read the 55mph sign

why did hellen kellers dog run away

you would too if ur name was uuuuuhhhhnuuuhhhgggahyuuu

how do u confuse the hell outta hellen keller

give her a basketball and tell her to read it

there is this girl and she is amish (if u are amish this isnt against you) so one day she is talking to her mom and she says momy my hands are cold so the mom says put them between their legs and they will get warmer so she does the next day she goes into the amish village and she meets this amish boy and he says my hands are cold so she says stick them between my legs and they will warm up so he does and they get warm. the next day she sees him and he says my head is cold so she says stick it between my legs and it will get warm so he does and it gets warm the third day he says my penis is sooooooooo cold its freezing cold ice cold and she says put it between my legs and it will warm up so he does and it warms up that night she is talking to her mom and she says mom do u know nething about penises and her mom frowningly says yes and the girl replies boy do they make a big mess when they defrost
 
its long but funny and expect spelling mistakes

ok so theres these 4 guys whove been stranded in the desert and the think they see a mirage but when they get up to it they relize its a real house. they knock on the door and an old fat lady answers it. the guys ask if she has and food, water or a meens of transportation. she says yes but only if i can talk to each of you at once. the guys agree. so the 1st guy goes in and she askhim if hewill have sex with him he say no way and runs out of the house. the 2n3rd guys go in same thing. the 4th guy goes in and says ok but what in it for me. she says ill give u all the water you can drink. ok why not he says. so she goes and gets ready as he sees these 3 pieces of corn on the ground he thinks ill just use these instead of my dick so she comes back and he holds the corn and bangs her when shes done she turns around and he throws it out the window. so she says fr onemore time all give you all thefood you can eat. ok theres still 2 more pieces of corn ill do the same. so he bangs her again and thrown the corn out the window. when she turns around. wow that was great she said. one more time and ill give u the car so u ca drive all the way back. he says ok ill use the last pice of corn and we can get outa hear. so he bangs her with the last piece of corn and throws it out th window when she leaves the room. she hads him the keys to the car, a bunc of food ad water. he walks out to his friends and tells them what hes gotten for them all. they say thats great and all, BUT YOU JUST MISSED OUT ON THE 3 BEST PIECES OF BUTTERD CORN EVER!
 
whats the best thing about a 6 year old boy?

you can pretend its a 6 year old girl.

whats the best thing about a 6 year old girl?

you dick looks huge in her tiny hands.

how do you make a 6 year old girl cry twice?

wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.
 
long one but decent

One day John was out fishing in the harbour. It was a beautiful sunny day and he had been looking forward to this moment for the last week. as soon as he had anchored, a large boat pulled up near to him. the hours went by without john catching a single fish. the nearby boat , however, was reeling them in. john approached the boat and asked what bait they were using. the man replied " its human skin, i am a surgeon and by chance ive found it works tremendously!"

so John returned the next day more determined and fished in the same spot using the same equipment. similarly to yesterday another boat pulled up closeby. as the hours went by, john again was having trouble catching anything. the nearby boat was reeling in fish after fish, causing John some obvious frustration. John approached the boat and again asked what bait they were using. the man replied "its human muscle, i am a surgeon and and by chance i've found it works tremendously!"

so John again returned to the same spot to have one last go at catching something. in similar fashion to the previous days, the nearby boat was catching fish after fish. John, in desperation, asked the man "are you a surgeon by any chance?", the man replied " no i am a Rabbi"...
 
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I workout everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet and now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark, I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle.......uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed, I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

USER 'SWEETHEART' HAS LOGGED OFF
 
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
 
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?

Him: "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you..."

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"
 
There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had, until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late, comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom, obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he asks.

"I was, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch tonight, 'cause my mother is sleeping in our bedroom."
 
A guy went to hell and was met by the devil, who explained that the punishments were changed every thousand years and he was to select his first punishment.

The first room had a young man on the wall being whipped. The new guy, not keen on this, asked to see the next room.

The next room had a middle aged man being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asked to see the third room.

It had an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumped at the chance and took the room.

The devil walked into the room, tapped the blonde on the shoulder and said, "Okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".
 
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
 
Crappy joke, but....

A little boy is digging a hole in his back garden, looking very miserable.

His neighbour, an elderly woman, leans over the fence to ask what he's doing.

'My goldfish died, I'm digging his grave' the boy replies.

'Well thats a rather big hole for such a small fish' says the woman

'I know,' replies the boy, 'but its for your stupid cat that ate it!'
 
heres a picture:

SunJul01192238EDT20077661215899243gummy.JPG
 
a preist a rabi and a shaman walk into a bar......

except there is no rabi or shaman......

and its my eigth birthday party......

and the priest is molesting me......

except the priest is really my father.....

my father molested me.....

alot.
 
NO!!!

Its:

Q: Why didnt Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?

A: Because she was wearing mittens.
 
alright so this guy for got his anivesary and feels terrible and his wife is like "well their is one way you can make it up to me." and he was like "how?" she said "get me something that goes from 0-220 in 2 seconds. so after a few days of thinking this small package was in the driveway and the wife was like "what's that?" the husband say's it's your present. the wife says "it looks small." she opens it and it's a scale.
 
hahhahahhaahah

alright, so superman was flying around and flew by wonder- womans apartment and saw her naked, so he came in and started fucking her. After it was over he said "are u suprised?" She says "not as suprised as the invisible man."
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To stamp out fires.

Why do elephants have flat feet?

To stamp out burning ducks.

Whats brown and black and looks good on a mexican?

A rottweiler.
 
Why doesn't Mexico have a summer Olympic team?

Because everybody that can run, jump, or swim, is on this side of the border.

May cause offence to certain races;

What does a black person and an apple have in common?

They both hang from trees.
 
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