JOKE FORUM

brunette's have blonde moments too.

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
I have a black person in my family tree...he's still hanging there.

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
a Priest, a pedafile, and a rapist walk into a bar...................

and that was just the first guy!

Skeletor? You don't know who Skeletor is? Sheeeeiiittttt.....
 
A two of gay guys are having sex in a shower together. One has to go get something to drink. He tells the other, 'Don't cum until I get back.' When he gets back, there is cum on the walls of the shower. He says, 'I thought I told you not to cum until I got back.' The other guys says, 'I didn't. I farted.'

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
your momma's so big, she fills up the tub then pours water in.

lagwagon's girlfriend is 3 ft taller when she sits down...wait.....that's not possible..correction *boyfriend

(-.-) NUKED (-.-)

 
theres a black man and a mexican in a car whos drivin? the police

but really though we shouldnt rip on black people i have one in my family tree..... bastards still hangin there.

Hey farva, whats that resturaunt you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mossarlla sticks?....... Shenanigans, your talkin about shenanigans right?
 
why is santa so jolley all the time?

because he knows where all the bad girls live.

HCC - Crew #2 REPRESENT!!!!!!

4FRNT

www.4frnt.com

Sidewinder Sports!

'save the trees, wipe your ass with an owl!'

'maybe he stuck a dinner roll in her butt.' - strode 420

 
Why did santa get in trouble?

he was caught laying barbie under the tree.

keep them up.

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
Q. What is the definition of 'making love'?

A. Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

B===============D

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

 
i got one i got one!

what does an dyslexic agnostic insomniac do?

stays up all night pondering the existence of dog

Abba Zabba, you my only friend
 
He should have stayed on the Cher when it was shady on the slopes and sunny in the trees that were saying, 'I got you babe.'

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
have u ever taken one of those shits that when your done your pants fit better?.........im hopin to take one of those later tonight

1 of 2 original members of *CWDM*

- ROOTS
 
You have two cows

13 October 2003

The latest version of a classic

LIBERAL

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

You feel guilty for being successful.

Instead of giving your neighbor one of your cows, you write to your

congressman, demanding that he pass legislation for more government

programs to help your neighbor get a cow. You hold a concert to raise

awareness for the cow-lessness. Barbara Streisand sings for the cow-less,> who couldn't attend because ticket prices are so expensive that only

people

with 3 or 4 cows can afford to attend. You wear a ribbon that signifies

that you care about cowless people, even though you really haven't done

anything to help them at all.

CONSERVATIVE

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none.

So?

SOCIALIST

You have two cows.

The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST

You have two cows.

The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

You wait in line for hours to get it.

It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a

man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your

government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.

The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for

the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You

force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised

when

one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you

have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You go on strike because you want three cows.

You go to lunch and drink wine.

Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and

produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably

crowded

trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.

You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give

excellent

quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also

> demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

>

> ITALIAN CORPORATION

> You have two cows but you don't know where they are.

> While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.

> You break for lunch.

> Life is good.

>

> RUSSIAN CORPORATION

> You have two cows.

> You have some vodka.

> You count them and learn you have four cows.

> You have some more vodka.

> You count them again and learn you have eight cows.

> The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

>

> TALIBAN CORPORATION

> You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.

> You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.

> Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the

> hospital.

>

> IRAQI CORPORATION

> You have two cows.

> They go into hiding.

> They send radio tapes of their mooing.

>

> POLISH CORPORATION

> You have two bulls.

> Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

>

> CALIFORNIAN

> You have a cow and a bull.

> The bull is depressed.

> It has spent its life living a lie.

> It goes away for two weeks.

> It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

> You now have two cows.

> One makes milk; the other doesn't.

> You try to sell the transgender cow.

> Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

> You lose in court.

> You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

> You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

> You change your business to beef.

> PETA pickets your farm.

> Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

> Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help 'working cows'.

> Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm 'for the

> children'.

> Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.

> The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

> You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

> The cow starves to death.

> The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
whats black, white, and red and cant walk through a door?

a nun witha spear through her head...

work to live...not live to work.

work to ski...but only if you ski to work. The simple equation to skibumming 101
 
So, a guy goes to the doctor. The doctor says, 'I am sorry but you are going to die.'

The patient asks, 'How long do I have to live?'

The doctor says, 'Nine.'

The patients asks, 'Well nine what? Years, days???'

The doctor says, 'Eight.'

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
This one doesn't really work when it's written, but here goes...

It's about midnight in Bozeman, Montana, when a big grizzly bear comes striding out of the forest and walks into a bar. The bear sits down and says, 'Hey bartender, give me a beer!' The bartender gives the bear a strange look, and says, 'I'm sorry, but there's no beer for bears in the bars in Bozeman.' The bear angrily replies, 'Oh yeah? Well, if you don't give me a beer, then I'll eat that barmaid over there!' The bartender starts to protest, but it's too later- the bear springs across the room and devours the barmaid. Contented, he sits back down and says, 'Now give me a beer!' The bartender says, 'No beer for bears in the bars in Bozeman.... especially not for bears who do drugs!' The bear is shocked! He says, 'Drugs? What are you talking about? I'm clean man, I've never touched that shit!'

The bartender says, 'Oh yeah? That was a bar bitch you ate.'

'Don't fuck with me 'cause I'm going to delete everything you ever post and have ever posted.' - Anonymous moderator
 
Bar bitch? What?

******************

Hummingbird style: 70 times in one second.

Does Crichton smoke? Does a bear shit in the woods? -Rex
 
i dunno

====================================================

yeah this one time, I got really wasted, and took the most violent shit ever. serious. my ass and I fought for most of the night, but in the end I was vitorious, until that back stabber attacked after our treaty, and i had to get new boxers - lineskier03

just stand closer to the explosion. it will make it seem biggger.-aoe

 
> HALLOWEEN JOKE

>

> A man was walking home alone late one

> night when he hears a.......

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP... behind him.

> .

> .

> .

> Walking faster he looks back,

> and makes out the image of an upright

> coffin banging its way down

> the middle of the street towards him

> .

> .

> .

> ...BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> ...BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> ...BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> Terrified, the man begins to run

> towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...

> .

> .

> .

> faster...

> .

> .

> .

> faster...

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP....

> .

> .

> .

> BUMP.

> .

> .

> .

> He runs up to his door,

> fumbles with his keys, opens the

> door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

> .

> .

> .

> However, the coffin crashes through

> his door,

> with the lid of the coffin

> clapping ...

> .

> .

> .

> clappity-BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> clappity-BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> clappity-BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> clappity-BUMP...

> .

> .

> .

> on the heels of the terrified man....

> .

> .

> .

> Rushing upstairs to the bathroom,

> the man locks himself in. His heart

> is pounding; his head is reeling;

> his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

> .

> .

> .

> With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks

> down the door.

> Bumping and clapping towards him.

> .

> .

> .

> The man screams and reaches for

> something, anything ...but all he can find is a

> bottle of cough syrup!

> .

> .

> .

> Desperate, he throws the cough syrup

> at the coffin

> .

> .

> .

> .. the coffin stops

>

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
**don't know if these are already posted, but...**

Did you hear about the two blonds found frozen to death at the drive in movie theater? They went to see 'Closed For The Season.'

Why do blonds always smile during lightening storms? They think they're picture's being taken.

-------------------

Donkification
 
What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.

A good days hunting.

Keep the jokes coming.

'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE

I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth

 
What do you call 5 black people hanging from a tree....A southern Windchime...sorry if its already up.

-----------

Member # 5605 and i still have the least number if posts.

MCM[03-04]

SURF/SKI NJ

 
how many black people does it take to pave a driveway.

Depends on how thin you slice them

-Nick Iwanyshyn

_____________________________________________________________

Focus at Theory-3.com

'Ski for yourself, do what you want and fuck everyone else'

Proud Member of Canada's Drinking Team
 
3 men die and they all meet St. Peter at the gates of heaven. The first one comes up and Saint peter asks him

'What is your IQ?'

he replies '150'.

Saint peter asks 'did you get your PhD?'

'yes'

'good. you can go'

The next guy walks up and saint peter asks 'what is your IQ' and the man replies '100' saint peter asks 'did you get your masters degree'?

the man replies 'yes'

'ok good you can go.'

the next man comes up and saint peter asks 'what is your IQ?'

the man replies '50'

saint peter asks 'did you get your deer?'

________________________________________________________

I was in the petting zoo, or as I like to call it, the touch me zoo this afternoon. All the animals were retarded. Some lady was breast feeding her baby on a bench nearby, an obvious signal. I sat down uncomfortably close to her and yawned my arm around her shoulder. In her attempt to squirm away, she dropped her baby on the ground. I pretended I was concerned for a second, then I punted it over the fence. She still didn't seem interested in me. Whatever.
 
best signature ever

-Nick Iwanyshyn

_____________________________________________________________

Focus at Theory-3.com

'Ski for yourself, do what you want and fuck everyone else'

Proud Member of Canada's Drinking Team
 
Johnny Indian's first day of kindergarten,

teacher says: ok class, does anyone know the alphabet?

Johnny raises his hand and sure enough recites the whole alphabet flawlessly.

He goes home to his father and explains that he was the only one to recite the alphabet in his whole class, to which his father replies

'Johnny, thats becasue you are native'

So the next day in gym class Johnny seems to be running faster than everyone, so he goes home to tell his dad this news.

HIs father again replies 'Johnny, thats beacsue you are native'

THe following day they are changing for gym aggain and JOhny notices his dick is way large than the rest of the class, he goes and asks his dad 'is my dick bigger cuz im native'

His dad replies' oooo no JOhnny, thast cuz your 21'

sorry its predictable but decent

 
whats the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus

it only takes one nail to hang a picture

hell is hot ill see you there

 
a brunette says to her blonde freind as they are walking thru a park 'hey look a dead bird'

the blonde looks up and says 'where?'

 
what do yo ucall a black priest

holy shit...

seriously tho lets not diss the blacky's too hard...my best freinds was black...till my daddy sold his ass!!!

 
wow these are good.

----now i lay me down to sleep, blah blah blah my soul to keep, if i die before i wake ill go to hell for heavens sake
 
this isnt really a joke but next time u see an obvious poser ask him if he (skates, dirtbikes whatever) or just poses. I asked a lil kid in my school that and he said that he poses. made me feel big

----now i lay me down to sleep, blah blah blah my soul to keep, if i die before i wake ill go to hell for heavens sake
 
whats the difference between a sack of dead babys and a viper ???????????????????????????????????

i dont have a viper in the corner of my garage

probially posted allready

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

my one friend was pushed into a pole and he riped his sack open on impact now we call him stitchie

 
just to clear things up I'm not racist, but these are still funny.

how do you keep a black kid from bouncing on the bed?

put velcrow on the ceiling.

whats fifty feet long, black and smells like shit?? the welfare line

how do you keep black kids from playing in your back yard? hang one in the front.

why are back people getting strong....cause tv's are getting heavier.

no really I'm not racist, I owne a color tv

a conversation between two skiers:

skier 1 ' have you seen those new skis with the tips in the front and back yet'

skier 2 'no but I heard about those things'

Skier 1 ' yeah I don't see why they would want tips in the back...maybe they are try'n to copy those stupid snowboarders or something like that'

skier 2 'Yeah seems like kind of a stupid idea.'

ski-unit
 
what do you call a black hooker with chipped teeth and braces?

black and deck-her pecker wrecker.

a conversation between two skiers:

skier 1 ' have you seen those new skis with the tips in the front and back yet'

skier 2 'no but I heard about those things'

Skier 1 ' yeah I don't see why they would want tips in the back...maybe they are try'n to copy those stupid snowboarders or something like that'

skier 2 'Yeah seems like kind of a stupid idea.'

ski-unit
 
whats the difference between a pizza and michael jackson? pizza comes in a box and michael jackson comes in little boys

'nuff said
 
How do you find the population of Mexico?

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

Drop a quarter out of an airplane and see who comes to claim it

-

How do you find the richest person in Mexico

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

you see who gets the quarter

********************************************************************

Grandmaster CT Skiers

Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
 
Whats black, white and red all over?

Inter racial car wreck

Keep, Keep on truckin' Yeah...Good Stuff

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

'Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.'
 
How do u make a black person nervous?

Take em to an auction

Keep, Keep on truckin' Yeah...Good Stuff

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

'Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.'
 
Whats the difference between a truckload of dead babies and a truckload of bowling balls?

You can't take the bowling balls out with a pitch fork

Keep, Keep on truckin' Yeah...Good Stuff

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

'Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.'
 
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