Whistlermann
Active member
thats lamer than FDR's legs.
My Skis go both ways... Like a Bisexual
My Skis go both ways... Like a Bisexual
JOKE FORUM
- Thread starter tipshift
- Start date
KaMiKaZe_00
Member
>I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
>~ she called me to get my phone number.
>~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it
>said
>'concentrate.'
>~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
>mind.
>~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
>~she told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
>~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
>~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
>~ she tried to drown a fish.
>~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
>~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
>~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
>
>~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of
>third grade.
>~ under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On
>Phonics.'
>~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~>>>
>~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
>
>~ at the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here'...she
>put 'Sagittarius.'
>
>~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
>~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
>~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be
>speachless.
>~she studied for a blood test.
>~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
>~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
>~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul
>train.
>~she sold the car for gas money.
>~when she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and
>got
>16
>friends.
>~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
>moved.
>~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
>~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
>~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport
>Left'
>she
>turned around and went home.
Offical Member of the NS SHAGS
Urban Productions
*Bones Heal - Go Crazy*
Parents: So, what did u learn in school today?
Me: I learned how to make joints.
Parents: Oh...
(Ten Minutes Later)
Me: In Shop
Parents: **Still worried**
Before anything else, make sure you know that this rail is your little bitch, and that you'll nail it
>~ she called me to get my phone number.
>~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it
>said
>'concentrate.'
>~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
>mind.
>~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
>~she told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK' and 'DON'T WALK.'
>~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
>~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
>~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
>~ she tried to drown a fish.
>~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
>~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
>~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
>
>~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of
>third grade.
>~ under 'education' on her job application, she put 'Hooked On
>Phonics.'
>~ she tripped over a cordless phone.
~>>>>~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
>
>~ at the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here'...she
>put 'Sagittarius.'
>
>~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
>~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
>~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be
>speachless.
>~she studied for a blood test.
>~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
>~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
>~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul
>train.
>~she sold the car for gas money.
>~when she saw the 'NC-17' (under 17 not admitted), she went home and
>got
>16
>friends.
>~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
>moved.
>~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
>~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
>~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said 'Airport
>Left'
>she
>turned around and went home.
Offical Member of the NS SHAGS
Urban Productions
*Bones Heal - Go Crazy*
Parents: So, what did u learn in school today?
Me: I learned how to make joints.
Parents: Oh...
(Ten Minutes Later)
Me: In Shop
Parents: **Still worried**
Before anything else, make sure you know that this rail is your little bitch, and that you'll nail it
tipshift
Member
c/o maddox.xmission.com
Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought 'hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds.' I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each 'thing' that a 'perfect guy would do:'
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel 'down?' The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch 'the game.' Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch 'the game,' I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out 'I HAVE HERPES.' The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over '...there is no cure,' cue inspirational music 'but treatment is available.' Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say 'AWW HOW ROMANTIC.' I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to 'react cutely' instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react 'cutely' when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of 'Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends.'
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Twenty-six things a perfect guy would do,
and other propaganda disseminated by misguided women.
Someone recently sent me an email titled 26 things a perfect guy would do. I thought 'hmm, nobody could possibly send me anything so stupid, it can't possibly be as dumb as it sounds.' I stand corrected. The email was just as advertised: a wish list of how women supposedly want men to act, as if men in this country weren't already an episode of Friends away from turning into giant walking vaginas.
I never thought I'd ever read anything that would induce my gag reflex so quickly, and this is after having read the details of an anal prolapse that a friend sent me tonight. Here is the abridged list (because the full list might literally cause you to barf on your keyboard, and frankly, it's not worth reading), followed by my response to each 'thing' that a 'perfect guy would do:'
1. Know how to make you smile when you are down!
When will women realize that they don't live on the set of a romantic comedy? Unless making you smile involves me playing video games while you cook me a steak, you're in for a disappointment. You don't think guys ever feel 'down?' The door swings both ways, bitch.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
What? Why the hell would I want to smell a woman's hair? It smells bad enough with all the sprays and perfume they use. Enough with the conditioners, sprays, and cream already; that shit makes my eyes water. What the hell is conditioner anyway?
3. Stick up for you, but still respects your independence.
Translation: bail you out when you fail at life, but never bring it up during conversations.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
This one is inherently stupid because it implies that all guys like to watch 'the game.' Since I'd rather be shot in the chest with projectile diarrhea than watch 'the game,' I'll assume the author meant something worthy of watching, such as Ren & Stimpy, in which case you need to put the bitch down if she touches your remote.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
LAME. Who has time for this? Sounds like something out of a herpes commercial where some lady is rock climbing or doing something else which symbolizes her independence, then out of nowhere she blurts out 'I HAVE HERPES.' The music gets all serious and you hear a voice over '...there is no cure,' cue inspirational music 'but treatment is available.' Then it cuts to a shot of the bitch on a beach and a guy runs up behind her and puts his arms around her. Good job dumbass, you're dating a skank with herpes.
6. Play with your hair.
Again with the hair? Women never play with the hair on my back, why the double standard?
7. His hands always find yours.
This is one of those things women read and say 'AWW HOW ROMANTIC.' I have news for you: holding hands is stupid. Women don't know the first thing about being romantic. Only lesbians hold hands anyway; allow me to explain. The only time it's acceptable to hold hands with anyone is if you're at a peace vigil. Guys don't go to peace vigils, period. If you do, you have to surrender your balls and get a sex transplant because you're a bitch; in either case, you're a woman, and when two women hold hands it can only lead to one thing as far as I'm concerned.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
Bullshit. When I want something, I yell. If she can't hear me in the kitchen, sometimes I'll threaten beatings if I'm sober.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
For your boobs maybe. I happen to have the uncanny ability to massage breasts. With my mouth.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
Let's face it: there are few things in this world more stupid than dancing. Except break dancing, which pirates and lumber jacks would agree is awesome. Other than that, dancing makes me envy cripples.
11. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
See, this is what pisses me off about women: they expect special treatment at their discretion. They want equal rights, equal pay, and equal treatment for everything EXCEPT when it comes to shit like this, then they want you to 'react cutely' instead of, say, putting them in a head lock and making them eat ants and/or spiders while you give them carpet burn. Why don't women react 'cutely' when men hit them for a change? Oops, I forgot, that's domestic abuse.
12. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
Any guy who would drive five hours just to see a chick for one is an asshole. If every guy drove around for five hours just to spend one with their girlfriend, we'd fill up the air with so much pollution that we'd all choke on the exhaust, get cancer, and then bake under the sun while our lungs rupture and we slowly die from internal bleeding.
13. Stare at you.
You stupid attention seeking whore, just buy the bitch a mirror, because apparently she thinks that you don't have anything better to do than to sit around and stare at her. If women ran the world, we'd still be searching for the wheel.
14. Call for no reason.
Oops, this one belongs on the list of 'Twenty-six things women do that piss men off because they need to fill their otherwise vapid lives with something to make them feel like they have a purpose for existing as they eventually realize that they're pissing their youth away on stupid bullshit like fashion trends.'
I can't go on, I'm going to go do something less painful like stick my dick in the oven.
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
hahahah good shit/\/\
------------------------------------------------------------
'this is called the vicious blow, when you hit him you gotta strike him with yer mouth!!'--gay football coach
'wow look at the weirdo, he got his dang nab skis on backwards.....and backwards the other way too!! wow i bet that feels funny.'--some hick in Idaho
------------------------------------------------------------
'this is called the vicious blow, when you hit him you gotta strike him with yer mouth!!'--gay football coach
'wow look at the weirdo, he got his dang nab skis on backwards.....and backwards the other way too!! wow i bet that feels funny.'--some hick in Idaho
skierdudeguy
Active member
^im scared now
**Original Freestlye Typers**
**Original Freestlye Typers**
teresak2
Active member
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in Race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, 'Preacher's Ass Shows'
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, 'Preacher's Ass out in
Front' The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, 'Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass'. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get
rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, 'Nun has the Best Ass in Town'
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states, 'Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks'
They buried the Bishop the next day.
* * * * * * * * * *
While I was ridding the lift at Copper Mtn:
Man: So where ya from?
Me: Montana
Man: Oh… so your from Canada?
Me: *Sigh* thinking to myself 'stupid Coloradian'
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines, 'Preacher's Ass Shows'
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said, 'Preacher's Ass out in
Front' The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline, 'Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass'. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get
rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read, 'Nun has the Best Ass in Town'
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states, 'Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks'
They buried the Bishop the next day.
* * * * * * * * * *
While I was ridding the lift at Copper Mtn:
Man: So where ya from?
Me: Montana
Man: Oh… so your from Canada?
Me: *Sigh* thinking to myself 'stupid Coloradian'
3ski6guy0
Active member
what do u get when u turn a blonde upside down. a brunette with bad breathe
Official Executioner of the Execution Committee of the Secret NS.com Council
www.FreeStylerX.com - FreeSki and Aggro Skate - FSX 4 Life!
Official Executioner of the Execution Committee of the Secret NS.com Council
www.FreeStylerX.com - FreeSki and Aggro Skate - FSX 4 Life!
ok her pubes and nasty stink ass beaver smell
------------------------------------------------------------
'this is called the vicious blow, when you hit him you gotta strike him with yer mouth!!'--gay football coach
'wow look at the weirdo, he got his dang nab skis on backwards.....and backwards the other way too!! wow i bet that feels funny.'--some hick in Idaho
------------------------------------------------------------
'this is called the vicious blow, when you hit him you gotta strike him with yer mouth!!'--gay football coach
'wow look at the weirdo, he got his dang nab skis on backwards.....and backwards the other way too!! wow i bet that feels funny.'--some hick in Idaho
manwiththemetalleg
Active member
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms
Don't be a toad, follow the ski-way code
Because she had no arms
Don't be a toad, follow the ski-way code
tipshift
Member
So an irish guy goes in to a bar and says, 'I'll have three pints of beer.' The bartender asks, 'well, do you want them all at once or in a row?' and he replies, 'All at once, when my 2 other brothers and me split ways we said we would drink 1 pint of beer for each one.' This goes on for a couple weeks. Then, he only orders 2 pints of beer. Everyone in the bar is worried because he must have lost a brother. The bartender finally gets up the nerve and says, 'I am sorry about your brother.' He says, 'What you talking about my brothers are fine.' The bartender says, 'Well, you only ordered 2 pints of beer.' He says, 'Yeah, I gave up drinkin.'
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Huck2live1612
Member
what do u call a gay guy in a wheelchair......... rolaids
me: what the hell is that?
sister:its a boat u dumbass
me:well what the fuck do they nedd it for? the shitheads
me: what the hell is that?
sister:its a boat u dumbass
me:well what the fuck do they nedd it for? the shitheads
tipshift
Member
So these two guys are in a bar and one says so where are you from? and the other guy says, 'Oh me, I'm from Ireland.'
1st guy:'No way, me too. What town?'
2nd guy: 'Bermington.'
1st guy:'No way, me too.'
2nd guy:'What school did you go to?'
1st guy: 'Mother Mary's school for young men.'
2nd guy:'No way me too.'
3rd guy (to bartender):Whats the deal with them?
Bartender:Oh, the McClosky brothers are drunk again.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
1st guy:'No way, me too. What town?'
2nd guy: 'Bermington.'
1st guy:'No way, me too.'
2nd guy:'What school did you go to?'
1st guy: 'Mother Mary's school for young men.'
2nd guy:'No way me too.'
3rd guy (to bartender):Whats the deal with them?
Bartender:Oh, the McClosky brothers are drunk again.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
tipshift
Member
so a panda walk into a bar and orders dinner. When it is time to pay, he shoots the waiter and leaves. This happens a couple times. so to solve the problem, a guy starts to read about pandas in the encyclopedia and understand the problem.
Panda:eats chutes and leaves.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Panda:eats chutes and leaves.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
PurpleSkier
Active member
NO NO NO^ you told it wrong
its, a panda walks into a bar, orders his food, eats it, shoots the bartender, and leaves, on his way out some guy says, HEY, you cant do that, the panda then says, yes i can look it up, so the guy looks up panda, Panda-eats, shoots, and leaves
_______________________________________________________
Oh yes, yes, i love crack, im absolutely cookoo for crack! -Stewie
its, a panda walks into a bar, orders his food, eats it, shoots the bartender, and leaves, on his way out some guy says, HEY, you cant do that, the panda then says, yes i can look it up, so the guy looks up panda, Panda-eats, shoots, and leaves
_______________________________________________________
Oh yes, yes, i love crack, im absolutely cookoo for crack! -Stewie
what's brown and sounds like a bell?
dung
what do you do when you see a spaceman?
you park you car in it
what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
he got pissed off
what does mozart do now that he's dead?
he decomposes
what did the lepper say to the prostitute?
you can keep the tip
two biscuits were on a road, one got hit by a car
the other said 'crumbs'
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
it had no guts
what did the dog say to the tree?
bark
why was tigger in the toilet
to find pooh
what do you call an afternoon with an angry rabbit
a bad hare day
where do kings keep their armies
in their sleevies
what's the difference bewteen mash potatoes and pea soup?
anyone can mash potatoes (you can mash potatoes, but you cant PEE soup)
how do you start a book about ducks
with an introducktion
how do you organize a space party?
you planet (plan it)
Wha'ts a baby seal?
a ceiling
what organ in the body never dies?
the liver
how do u catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises
how do you catch a squirrel?
climb up a tree and act like a nut
kLAKAMUS hm hm
dung
what do you do when you see a spaceman?
you park you car in it
what happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
he got pissed off
what does mozart do now that he's dead?
he decomposes
what did the lepper say to the prostitute?
you can keep the tip
two biscuits were on a road, one got hit by a car
the other said 'crumbs'
why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
it had no guts
what did the dog say to the tree?
bark
why was tigger in the toilet
to find pooh
what do you call an afternoon with an angry rabbit
a bad hare day
where do kings keep their armies
in their sleevies
what's the difference bewteen mash potatoes and pea soup?
anyone can mash potatoes (you can mash potatoes, but you cant PEE soup)
how do you start a book about ducks
with an introducktion
how do you organize a space party?
you planet (plan it)
Wha'ts a baby seal?
a ceiling
what organ in the body never dies?
the liver
how do u catch a rabbit?
Hide behind a tree and make carrot noises
how do you catch a squirrel?
climb up a tree and act like a nut
kLAKAMUS hm hm
tipshift
Member
c/o maddox.xmission
Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?
So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried to unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.
I stood out there in my underwear on a Saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says 'you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that.' I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the colon. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.
I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about, as she was flapping her arms in the air and screaming. She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.
That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying 'oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!' I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip. I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Why change your car's oil when your girlfriend can do it?
So I was sitting there the other day watching my girlfriend change the oil in my car, and I was getting pissed because she kept struggling when she tried to unscrew the filter. I was even more pissed than usual because I was playing videogames as I supervised her from inside the house, until I finally had to put the controller down and go outside to yell at her.
I stood out there in my underwear on a Saturday morning screaming at the top of my lungs. Then my neighbor, who's a total pussy, comes by and says 'you shouldn't be yelling at your girlfriend like that.' I wasn't going to stand there and just take it, so I socked him one right in the colon. His wife was bringing groceries inside when this happened, and as if it wasn't bad enough that I had to stop playing video games to go outside and yell, now this bitch was screaming at me like it was my fault.
I couldn't understand what she was shrieking about, as she was flapping her arms in the air and screaming. She started crying when she saw the busted colon I gave her pussy husband, so she took one of her shoes off and threw it at me. I caught the shoe between my pecs and I started to laugh like a pirate. Then she started walking towards me to take her shoe back, and there was no way I was going to let this bitch get near my chest so I body slammed her into a cactus that happened to be there. She got up and was uglier than before, so I did what I always do when women start to cry: I went back inside to play video games.
That wasn't the end of it though, it turns out the cranky old hag across the street saw all of this going on, so she came over to do what women do best: bitch. When I opened the door she was standing there in a partly transparent night gown, and it totally ruined the prospect of having a boner for at least 50 years. I was just starting to change my mind about the night gown when she started screeching at me and her stupid cat that she was holding started to hiss. So I took the cat and punted it over my neighbor's fence. She started crying 'oh no! My cat! What have you done with my cat?!' I was laughing my ass off, then the bitch tried to scratch me so I gave her a round house kick and dislocated her hip. I was laughing so hard I shit my pants.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
teresak2
Active member
A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
'Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more.'
'You foul-mouthed wop swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey, cool down lady,' said the man. 'I was only telling' my friend here how to spell Mississippi.
NORTHEN REPRESENT
'Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I pee twice. Then I come once more.'
'You foul-mouthed wop swine,' retorted the lady indignantly. 'In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!'
'Hey, cool down lady,' said the man. 'I was only telling' my friend here how to spell Mississippi.
NORTHEN REPRESENT
tipshift
Member
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, 'I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral...I'm a gynecologist.'
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
tipshift
Member
So, 4 ladies are sitting around talking. one lady says, 'Well, my husband. He is so good to me. He took me to bermuda and paris and he says that I can go anywhere I want.' And one lady says, 'Ahh that's nice.' Then, the next lady says, 'oh, well wilson, he bought me a farrari and a cadillac and anything that i was ill get to it later
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
Sheltron3030
Active member
Bumper Sticker Sayings (dont mind the #'s)
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
35. And which dwarf are you?
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
'Nice pigs, sir!'
'Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.'
'Nice trade, sir!'
Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
He's been working with glue too much.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.
Doorknob
You're just like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.
Flying A-holes
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Blonde:
Why cant a blonde dial 911? She cant find the 11
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
'Hey, girls,' says the brunette, 'let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know.'
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
'That was fun,' says the brunette. 'We should do it again sometime.'
'No way,' says the blonde. 'I almost got caught.'
Beware the Blonde Terrorist
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe
Blonde and shower caps
A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts.
A guy asked her, 'Hey, what's with the shower caps?'
'Shower caps?' she responded, 'These are booby condoms!'
802 Represent
SFHNC
120/1300
(dont mean to copy guys...)
8. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
9. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
10. You! Off my planet!
13. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
18. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
19. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
23. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
24. Adults are just kids who owe money.
25. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
32. Is it time for your medication or mine?
33. Does this condom make me look fat?
35. And which dwarf are you?
Clinton Hijinx
Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm. A secret serviceman greeted him.
'Nice pigs, sir!'
'Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea.'
'Nice trade, sir!'
Different Ways To Say ''You're Stupid''
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody's home.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
He's been working with glue too much.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
I would not allow this employee to breed.
This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.
Doorknob
You're just like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.
Flying A-holes
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
Blonde:
Why cant a blonde dial 911? She cant find the 11
A Blonde's Brain At Work
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
'Hey, girls,' says the brunette, 'let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know.'
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
'That was fun,' says the brunette. 'We should do it again sometime.'
'No way,' says the blonde. 'I almost got caught.'
Beware the Blonde Terrorist
Did you hear about the blonde that tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe
Blonde and shower caps
A blonde was walking down the street with shower caps on her breasts.
A guy asked her, 'Hey, what's with the shower caps?'
'Shower caps?' she responded, 'These are booby condoms!'
802 Represent
SFHNC
120/1300
(dont mean to copy guys...)
Sheltron3030
Active member
Hi-Steppin' Mama
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.
Support Group for Yo Fat Mama
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her!
Yo mama's So Fat
Yo mama is so fat, when you slap her leg, you can ride the waves.
6.9
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.
Christmas Cookie Dough
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
'Suzy,' Grandma said. 'I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down.' Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
'Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down.' About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
Dead Blonde in Closet
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
Frosty
Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
Genie-wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
'I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish.' The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.
'I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish.'
'Granted.' And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
'Why only one glass?' asked her wife.
'You're drinking out of the bottle tonight.'
Jack and Jill II
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said I don't wanna!
Like Midgets In The Night...
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice...
Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says 'If you catch me, you can screw me.' An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a Richard Simmons with a sign that reads 'If I catch you, I screw you.'
SFHNC
0/1300
Yo mama's so fat, when she stepped on the dog's tail we had to change his name to Beaver.
Support Group for Yo Fat Mama
Yo mama's so fat, even Richard Simmons laughs at her!
Yo mama's So Fat
Yo mama is so fat, when you slap her leg, you can ride the waves.
6.9
What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.
Christmas Cookie Dough
Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.
''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''
'Suzy,' Grandma said. 'I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down.' Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''
'Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down.' About five minutes later little Billy came.
''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!''
Dead Blonde in Closet
Q: What do you get when you find a dead blonde in a closet?
A: The hide and seek champion of 1996.
Frosty
Q. Why was Frosty smiling?
A. He saw the snowblower coming.
Genie-wine
While he was rooting around in the basement, a man found a magic lamp. When he rubbed it, a genie emerged in a huge cloud of pink smoke.
'I am the all-powerful genie. I shall grant you one wish.' The man thought about this, and decided that if there was one thing he couldn't get enough of, it was wine.
'I wish I could pee wine. That's my wish.'
'Granted.' And the genie disappeared. Later that day, the man's wife came home to find her husband naked, holding a glass.
'Why only one glass?' asked her wife.
'You're drinking out of the bottle tonight.'
Jack and Jill II
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To smoke some marijuana
Jack got high
Pulled down his fly
And Jill said I don't wanna!
Like Midgets In The Night...
What is grosser than gross?
When a midget walks by and says your hair smells nice...
Lose 20 Lbs. Guaranteed!
There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says 'If you catch me, you can screw me.' An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter.
A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time there are two girls with the same sign. A day later, he comes out 50 lbs. lighter.
A year later, he returns and needs to lose 100 lbs. He gets sent upstairs again, where he finds a Richard Simmons with a sign that reads 'If I catch you, I screw you.'
SFHNC
0/1300
Sheltron3030
Active member
Big Boss Man
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, 'I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.'
The feet said, 'We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'
The hands said, 'We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Your butt is so big, you have more crack than a drug dealer.
SFHNC
0/1300
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, 'I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.'
The feet said, 'We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.'
The hands said, 'We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.'
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.
Your butt is so big, you have more crack than a drug dealer.
SFHNC
0/1300
Sheltron3030
Active member
Heres a funny one:
Ways To Annoy Bathroom Friends
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?'
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!'
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''
SFHNC
0/1300
edmonton_skier
Active member
i would have to take a million posts to say how funnt the joke on top of me was ^ so i will eave you with this math equasion to let see how muck i found it funny HERE IT IS: lol x 8.965 x 10 {330}
tipshift
Member
so the the rest of mine.
so she says, 'well he bought me this car and that car and...' and the girl says, 'that's nice.' Finally the last girl is like, 'well, my husband bought me this diamond necklace and it is just so beautiful and I wear it everywhere. I even where it while wearing my pjs.' The other girl says, 'that's nice.' So then...the 3 girls turn to her and say, 'well, sweetie what did your husband get you?' She says, 'he sent me to finishing school.' They say, 'why? What did they teach you there?' She says, 'Well, instead of saying 'fuck you' I say 'that's nice''
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
so she says, 'well he bought me this car and that car and...' and the girl says, 'that's nice.' Finally the last girl is like, 'well, my husband bought me this diamond necklace and it is just so beautiful and I wear it everywhere. I even where it while wearing my pjs.' The other girl says, 'that's nice.' So then...the 3 girls turn to her and say, 'well, sweetie what did your husband get you?' She says, 'he sent me to finishing school.' They say, 'why? What did they teach you there?' She says, 'Well, instead of saying 'fuck you' I say 'that's nice''
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
221
Active member
How can you tell how many chinese people live in a house?
-Count the basement windows and multiply by 15.
----------------------
'Dude, check out this nasty gouge.'
'Your mom has a nasty gouge.'
My Gay Photosite
-Count the basement windows and multiply by 15.
----------------------
'Dude, check out this nasty gouge.'
'Your mom has a nasty gouge.'
My Gay Photosite
tipshift
Member
So, a plane is flying and the pilot comes on the intercom and says, 'One, engine just went out, we are going to need to get rid of some luggage.' SO, they get rid of some luggage and then the pilot comes on and say, 'Our next went out, we are going to need to get rid of the seats.' So, they have 2 engines left, and the pilot comes on and says, 'Our third engine is out and people are going to need to jump. TO make this fair, we are going to do it alphabetically.' He says, 'All the Africans get out.' A african and his son don't leave. Then, He says, 'Okay, all the blacks, Get out.' The african and his son don't leave. So he says, 'Okay, all the colored people.' And the african and his son don't leave. The son turns to his father and says, 'Dad, aren't we african and black and colored? Why aren't we leaving?' The father says, 'No son, were niggers. I am waiting for the mexicans to go first.'
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
tipshift
Member
so a new yorker and a californian are walking along and they see a sheep with his head stuck in a fence. and the new yorker walks over and starts fucking the sheep. He goes back to the californian and says, 'you should try that' and so the californian goes and sticks his head in the fence.
keep the joke rolling.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
keep the joke rolling.
'Tipshift is the most sexiest guy I knowed like ever.'-CROYCE
I love you tipshift marry me-lizziebeth
ECfreeski3
Active member
what's the only positive thing about black people?
HIV
the best joke ever: guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. he says 'doc, what's wrong with me?'
and the doctor goes, 'i dunno, but i can see your nuts'
'Hey I first smoked when i was 10 and look at me now! Wait...I am trying to make an intelligent point...ahh nevermind fuck it let's go bowling'
-ThisAngelicRage
HIV
the best joke ever: guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but saran wrap. he says 'doc, what's wrong with me?'
and the doctor goes, 'i dunno, but i can see your nuts'
'Hey I first smoked when i was 10 and look at me now! Wait...I am trying to make an intelligent point...ahh nevermind fuck it let's go bowling'
-ThisAngelicRage
