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Joe Rogan's Open Letter to Kelloggs Re: Michael Phelps
Posted by Brother Bannon 02/18/2009 2:04 PM
Category: Funny
Can't say it better myself, so here goes:
Dear Kellogg’s,
I’m writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in
firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he
was photographed while enjoying some marijuana.
I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public interest.
First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I
think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of
the most ****ed up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country.
Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than
a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily
available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it
remains illegal to this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t
patent it and control it’s sale, and because if it were legal it would
greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in
billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.
That’s it.
Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use.
We’re not protecting people from themselves, we’re not saving the
children - it’s just a horribly illogical law that is in place because
of corruption and propaganda.
The fact that it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how
retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to
society.
I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally
would like to think that as Americans we’re better than this. These
television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless
mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking dope,” and then without even
the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.
This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave,
right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little bitches giving in to
the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies who’s
interests they’re representing.
It’s 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to
information that we have available there’s no ****ing way that we
should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they
can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including
themselves.
THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely ****ing un-American.
I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s setting a bad example with the
children” nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and
tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an
issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that
marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.
Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement,
and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible
shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax
payers’ money on any of this victimless bullshit.
I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted.
I think what would have been a far better response from Kellogg’s would
be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a
society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly
reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our
productive citizens find useful.
Now, I’m sure if you really were running Kellogg’s and you were still
reading my bullshit all the way down to this, you must be thinking,
“Why the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?”
And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your shit, mother****er.
Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you
in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject,
because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20
years, and I can tell you that I’ve been high 100% of the time I’ve
bought your shit.
I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell?
Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of
the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their ****ing minds.
Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know
that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but
lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit that’s horrible for
your body - in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body than pot -
and you market this shit specifically to children.
You ****s go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.
Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way
want anything bad to happen to your company. Like I said, I genuinely
enjoy your products.
There’s nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am
watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your
company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable
moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad you’re around.
All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended) that you
mother****ers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us than
you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this.
There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a
company, they’re going to feel it.
I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how
many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers don’t all fit
into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms
- including by the way, the form of the greatest ****ing swimmer who
ever lived, EVER.
Think about THAT shit for a second..
So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the **** up.
I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s 2000 and
****ing 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot
you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.
It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap up this blog and to
celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my personal favorite
Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles.
I’m gonna pop 4 of them bitches into the toaster, and then I’m gonna
stuff the bong with some fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and
sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly
persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then I’m gonna get some butter, and
I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m gonna cover them with maple
syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving **** out of them.
Good day, sirs.
Yours truly,
Joe Rogan.
Posted by Brother Bannon 02/18/2009 2:04 PM
Category: Funny
Can't say it better myself, so here goes:
Dear Kellogg’s,
I’m writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in
firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he
was photographed while enjoying some marijuana.
I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think it’s of great public interest.
First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I
think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that it’s one of
the most ****ed up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country.
Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than
a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily
available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it
remains illegal to this day is because it’s a plant and you can’t
patent it and control it’s sale, and because if it were legal it would
greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in
billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.
That’s it.
Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use.
We’re not protecting people from themselves, we’re not saving the
children - it’s just a horribly illogical law that is in place because
of corruption and propaganda.
The fact that it’s against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how
retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to
society.
I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally
would like to think that as Americans we’re better than this. These
television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless
mistake Mr. Phelps had made by “smoking dope,” and then without even
the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.
This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave,
right? We’re not supposed to be a nation of little bitches giving in to
the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies who’s
interests they’re representing.
It’s 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to
information that we have available there’s no ****ing way that we
should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they
can’t do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including
themselves.
THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely ****ing un-American.
I don’t want to hear any of that, “he’s setting a bad example with the
children” nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and
tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an
issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that
marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.
Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement,
and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible
shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax
payers’ money on any of this victimless bullshit.
I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted.
I think what would have been a far better response from Kellogg’s would
be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a
society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly
reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our
productive citizens find useful.
Now, I’m sure if you really were running Kellogg’s and you were still
reading my bullshit all the way down to this, you must be thinking,
“Why the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?”
And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your shit, mother****er.
Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you
in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject,
because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20
years, and I can tell you that I’ve been high 100% of the time I’ve
bought your shit.
I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell?
Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of
the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their ****ing minds.
Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know
that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but
lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit that’s horrible for
your body - in fact, it’s actually way worse for your body than pot -
and you market this shit specifically to children.
You ****s go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.
Now, I don’t want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way
want anything bad to happen to your company. Like I said, I genuinely
enjoy your products.
There’s nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am
watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your
company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable
moments in guilty eating, and I’m glad you’re around.
All I’m saying is that it’s high time (no pun intended) that you
mother****ers respect the stoner dollar. There’s WAY more of us than
you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this.
There are millions of us, and if we decide that we don’t like a
company, they’re going to feel it.
I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how
many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers don’t all fit
into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms
- including by the way, the form of the greatest ****ing swimmer who
ever lived, EVER.
Think about THAT shit for a second..
So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the **** up.
I would request that you check the calendar and note that it’s 2000 and
****ing 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot
you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.
It’s 4:40am here in LA, and I’m going to wrap up this blog and to
celebrate its completion I’m going to enjoy one of my personal favorite
Kellogg’s products: Eggo waffles.
I’m gonna pop 4 of them bitches into the toaster, and then I’m gonna
stuff the bong with some fine, American grown “Train Wreck” and
sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly
persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then I’m gonna get some butter, and
I’m gonna smear it on those Eggos, I’m gonna cover them with maple
syrup, and I’m going to eat the ever loving **** out of them.
Good day, sirs.
Yours truly,
Joe Rogan.
