Iowa Baptist Church Claims that Redbull causes orgys and permanent hardening of penises

"each Deacon was stripped of his clothes and placed in isolation for 72 hours with 200 cans of Red Bull, a plastic Ziploc bag full of Ecstasy tablets and a wide assortment of adult magazines."

and they blame the red bull for getting them high. Not the ecstasy.
 
that cant be real

jitcrunch.aspx
 
its defnitely fake:

Landover Baptist Church has been around since the time of the Indians. "We were around when Injuns were runnin' loose!- nekkid, scalpin' everything in sight," Pastor Smith declares. During our long history, we've had a number of church members come and go. A few of them have attained celebrity status. They are viewed by the secular world as 'entertaining, uplifting, encouraging, and talented.'

On your right is a list of celebrities who have attended Landover Baptist Church, and owe us a debt of gratitude. Most of them have learned everything from listening to our pastors and educators. Some of them admit 'dropping by' our church in the past. Many admit they were members. Most however, deny having any connection whatsoever with the Landover Baptist Church or any of it's affiliated ministries.

God knows the truth, and you can bet your alcoholic uncle's rotten soul that come judgment day, these celebrities will have to answer to God in heaven for denying Him (Landover Baptist) here on Earth. We expect a full apology on that day. It is too late for them to apologize now. The damage has been done, and we shake the dust off our feet and turn our backs on this list of ungrateful associates!

they claim that Carson Daly, Al Sharpton, and Tony Bennet were all associated with the church...
 
* Were you hit in the face with the ugly stick at Birth?

* Are you so ugly, your mate won't have to worry about birth control...your face will do just fine?

* When you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you?

* Can you remember when you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning?

Why would Jesus™ want a load of ugly people running around spoiling the view in Heaven?

Let's face it, If you are ugly, Jesus™ just doesn't want you and you are looking at spending the rest of Eternity in Hell.

Biblical Proof

Leviticus 21:16 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

:17 Speak unto Aaron, saying, Whosoever he be of thy seed in their generations that hath any blemish, let him not approach to offer the bread of his God.

:18 For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous,

:19 Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded,

:20 Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken;

:21 No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the LORD made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God.

There is only one form of help available to you.

Contact your nearest Pastor today and speak to him about your problem. Have your Credit Card in hand, and I'm sure he can arrange for his entire Congregation to Pray for your Soul.

 
probably fake

"We’ve

even had reports of little children taking a few sips of Red

Bull and within seconds they start chewing on anything they

can find! Poor

Mrs. Simkins looked up from her Bible the other day only to

find that her two granddaughters had gnawed through her

crepe soles and the rubber tip to her cain! One parent

reported that their three-year-old child chewed up half the

plaid indoor-outdoor carpeting on their patio. Yes,

indeed, carpet munchers in our very midst! "

 
All that speed jacking must be going to your head if you believed even for a second that the website was anything but a joke.
 
hahaha that was very entertaining.

"These Deacons served as volunteer test cases and several of them are now hospitalized with permanent hardening of the penis" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Permanently hard and they're stuck in the hospital
 
And many pediatricians have reported seeing seriously calloused penises - a sign that some local men were masturbating at dangerously high speeds. The drug community calls it speed jacking," said Dr. Edwards
 
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