How do you guys handle loneliness and depression?

utahnewb

utahnewb

Member
Hey all, haven’t been in here in a long time. I live in SLC and also go to school in Utah. The resorts are super chill here but I’m really struggling with the culture in SLC and in skiing generally. I’ve always struggled to make any sort of meaningful friendships (literally don’t know anyone not even as a connection) despite my hobbies and of course skiing. I’m really seeing the hypocrisy lately in the sense that there seems to be a big thing about how “oh we are so open minded and accepting” in the ski community. But despite my interactions with it, I can only say that I have experienced rejection and isolation. If I offer to take ppl up they only want me for the free ride and could care less about me as a person. I get that my personality type isn’t too popular but geez ppl just be so judgmental. Also wondering what you all do about depression besides skiiing? I already steer clear of drugs and alcohol as it is and it’s still intense. I want friends in this community and would love to have more genuine connections in it and to support it, but when I don’t get support and connection from it I feel as though I don’t contribute.
 
DM me dude. Also check out @unsupported_supportgroup on instagram. A free support group for men (and anyone really) in SLC that holds meetings a few times a month.
 
Here’s what’s helped me.

1. Continue your drug / alcohol free lifestyle. Shit can fuck with your head so hard, especially when you’re already in a rough mental state.

2. go to therapy. Not “talk to a therapist” therapy, I mean some shit that you enjoy that’s legitimately therapeutic for your mind, something that you always feel better after doing. For many of us this is skiing. Not sure the reasons why you ski, but I personally love it because of the act of skiing itself. If you’re the same way, try to shift your mentality towards that. Plain and simple. Have as much fun skiing as possible. And that may mean doing so while riding solo. If you really love SKIING skiing, try that path. Find shit that makes you feel alive.

Normal therapy has always been counterintuitive for me, but that doesn’t mean it will be the same for you. At least try it. For most people it’s an essential

part in maintaining a decent state of mental health. But so can be a passion of yours.

3. talk to your doctor about medication. They have done wonders for me, but I understand that they’re not for everyone.

Depression isn’t a state of mind for some people, it is a legitimate imbalance of chemicals in your brain that you can’t just change externally. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking something that restores those chemicals to a healthy level. Meds can achieve this.

4. I know it’s really hard and straight up impossible sometimes, but at least try to shift your mentality and perception of the world in a more positive direction. Yeah, I’ve tried this, and failed, but once I was able to combine the top 3 points I just talked about, it became a very tangible task.

it’s as simple as expecting a bare minimum, and appreciating everything. I’m not sure how to describe it entirely, but the euphoric feeling you get when you’re having some terrible dream and you wake up and realize that it was just a dream. That appreciation-ish feeling, moment of clarity. Thinking of everything good in your life, and saying to yourself, wow it’s fucking awesome that I have x-y-z. Could be good health, a good family, a comfy bed, a beautiful area to live, etc. Or even more specific stuff that you’re looking forward to. Wow, it’s Friday, and my favorite Chinese restaurant has a deal on takeout food, I’m gonna go get some and listen to my favorite music while sitting in the car munching on the food. Looking forward to a fun day trip to a new ski hill that you’ve never been to before, looking forward to going fishing up in the mountains tomorrow.

Focusing on and appreciating what you do have rather than what you don’t have. I know, it’s straight up impossible sometimes. But at least try. Disappointed about being excluded from some party, or turned down by some girl? Turn around and pick your head up, look around, find some beauty in the landscape of the world we live in. I’d imagine Utah is pretty great for that. Fall in love with the change of color in the leaves, the sky, the spring flowers. The detail of stars and constellations when you look up in the sky on a clear night. Fall in love with adventure, adrenaline, nature, the beautiful artwork we are surrounded with. Become self sufficient, an independence from other people to be happy.

Expect nothing, and everyday will then become a gift so big that your eyes can’t miss it.

5. don’t stop being you. You seem like a decent homie to be around. There are lots of shitty people in this world, but there are also lots of good people. Pursue what you love, live with an elevated attitude, be nice and spontaneous with others, and you will have no problems finding other humans who do the same.
 
I think you're young and you might be overthinking what's going on. Over the summer I moved across the country to work in the middle of nowhere in New Mexico and was in a similar situation.

Who gives a mother fucking fuck if you don't have that many friends. Having one person in life who you would trust with your life is exponentially more valuable then having 10.. fuck it 100 people in your life who you don't fully trust. Ever wonder why celebrities who "blow up" end up as shambling paranoid freaks in 5yrs? Are you on good terms with your parents, siblings, cousins? Maybe start giving people some phone calls and don't shy away from letting them know what's going on.

Just be patient. Set your expectations. You need to be able to find happiness in the fleeting moments throughout the day. One thing that has really helped me is learning to identify tree species. You see them everywhere and every so often you find a species that's rare, near extinction or you find a tree with a cool shape . It makes that day and that moment feel special.

Also if you aren't exercising, living in a shoebox studio apartment, and surviving off junk food; fix what you can.

and

If people are being pricks to you, call them out on it.
 
unrelated but post season depression is the worst. only thing that gives me the same thrill as skiing is driving but that shits illegal
 
The take me up the canyon and don't care people are the worst.

culture here is probably a weird shock, but it's way better if you find the right people. Do you do anything other than ski? Made friends in school?
 
topic:pow_boy3.14 said:
Hey all, haven’t been in here in a long time. I live in SLC and also go to school in Utah. The resorts are super chill here but I’m really struggling with the culture in SLC and in skiing generally. I’ve always struggled to make any sort of meaningful friendships (literally don’t know anyone not even as a connection) despite my hobbies and of course skiing. I’m really seeing the hypocrisy lately in the sense that there seems to be a big thing about how “oh we are so open minded and accepting” in the ski community. But despite my interactions with it, I can only say that I have experienced rejection and isolation. If I offer to take ppl up they only want me for the free ride and could care less about me as a person. I get that my personality type isn’t too popular but geez ppl just be so judgmental. Also wondering what you all do about depression besides skiiing? I already steer clear of drugs and alcohol as it is and it’s still intense. I want friends in this community and would love to have more genuine connections in it and to support it, but when I don’t get support and connection from it I feel as though I don’t contribute.
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volunteer

humane society

salvation army

food kitchen

gotta cast your net outside the usual

kind people are good people
 
Hey all, thanks so much for the input. It’s really helpful and helps restore faith in our society. I thought I’d drop a bit more context thought. It’s important to know a bit more about me so a main point is that I do not have any siblings and I personally have no family in Utah. My parents are divorced and live out of state. They are my only connections and we are actually very close. I tend to be pretty outdoorsy and am getting into climbing and mtb. I’m in university and it’s an extremely lonely experience. Despite my best efforts to connect I’m just pushed away and ignored. I also have no friends from school previously either. Oh and yea I’ve been trying some meds, they help in a limited way but not much. Weirdly enough, due to a long history of being unwelcome I often feel most depressed around others because it’s when I feel most alone. Jus thought that would add a bit.
 
Read some books on making friends. “The Like Switch” and “How to win Friends and Influence People” are two good ones. No one tells you this when you’re young but when you become an adult you have to actively work on having a social life. It comes easier to some people but if you’re lonely then chances are that you’re doing something to scare people away when you go out. You can join all the clubs and do all the volunteering you want but until you start acting like a friend you won’t make friends.
 
i used to work for samaritans, the suicide hotline. it doesn't mean i'm an expert or shrink but it means i know that humans REALLY benefit from venting and getting things off their chest. my DMs are always open if anyone ever wants to talk to someone who they don't know irl
 
Serious topic man. I have depression and anxiety both undiagnosed.

The best thing I can tell you is to exercise. Whether it be the gym, skiing, biking, walking. Getting outside and physical activity creates the dopamine's that will keep depression away. I'm only in shape because exercise is my therapy.

Give it a shot and LMK if it helps you.
 
14521651:CoolChillGuy420 said:
DM me dude. Also check out @unsupported_supportgroup on instagram. A free support group for men (and anyone really) in SLC that holds meetings a few times a month.
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Great group. Grew up with Mader and he's a good guy
 
Exercise and not drinking/sleeping enough help my mental so much. Can not be understated. Get involved. Join groups through university or on fb. Make as big as a web as you can. Like many things in life, it can be a game of numbers. The more exposure you have, the higher the chance of meeting that 1/10 person you really click with is. Then they introduce you to their friends, etc.

I’ve noticed in life that, often times, the people you want to be friends with already have friends. The people you meet in beginning can sometimes be the people that have no friends for a reason. So don’t lose hope.
 
topic:pow_boy3.14 said:
Hey all, haven’t been in here in a long time. I live in SLC and also go to school in Utah. The resorts are super chill here but I’m really struggling with the culture in SLC and in skiing generally. I’ve always struggled to make any sort of meaningful friendships (literally don’t know anyone not even as a connection) despite my hobbies and of course skiing. I’m really seeing the hypocrisy lately in the sense that there seems to be a big thing about how “oh we are so open minded and accepting” in the ski community. But despite my interactions with it, I can only say that I have experienced rejection and isolation. If I offer to take ppl up they only want me for the free ride and could care less about me as a person. I get that my personality type isn’t too popular but geez ppl just be so judgmental. Also wondering what you all do about depression besides skiiing? I already steer clear of drugs and alcohol as it is and it’s still intense. I want friends in this community and would love to have more genuine connections in it and to support it, but when I don’t get support and connection from it I feel as though I don’t contribute.
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What's ur insta?
 
Find a hobby and pursue it. There's someone interested in everything and through your hobby you will meet people.

Hit the gym, get into running, buy a dog and go to the dog park every day (we've made so many connection at the dog park), surf, read, hike..etc
 
You mentioned ur still in school, same here. School is fucking hard. No matter how good of a student you are the shit students deal with on a daily basis for the most part sucks ass. One thing I've learned is to not be so hard on myself. Dont let yourself question your worth because of what other people do/say. You are crammed with homework, having to decide your future in jobs and life in general, and having to deal with social shit on top of it. Its a shitty feeling. NGL I have some really low days. I always find those days if I just do something active: go for a walk, ski, workout, do 200 jumping jacks, etc. it helps me a lot. This shitty feeling your having isn't permanent, and sometimes you just have to sit with the anxiety/depression and deal with it, it blows. You are not alone in this feeling, and in reaching out to different people your going to find a homie that clicks, I know it.
 
On the opposite end is trying out a low-commitment part time job that's social. Like staff for the convention center, or sports arena, or catering company
 
I’m really gonna be that guy but you should join a climbing gym, or at least take a day out of ur week to spend an evening at one. Offers a great community and it’s easy to make friends cuz you’ll meet people at all skill levels without even having to try to. and it’s RARE to meet elitist assholes, They are there but it’s not prevalent like in skiing lol.

also eventually you’ll meet a couple people with outdoor gear and then start climbing outside which is a lifechanging experience.

idk I really think climbing is a good activity because it really puts your mind and body in tune. Not in a fast paced way like skiing, but in the sense of slowing down and being mindful i guess.

i have been here before op and this helped me a lot. Also take care of urself and remember there is nothing wrong with talking to a therapist, all of us could benefit from a lil therapy to be honest
 
Really appreciate the responses guys! It’s nice to know that some of you also feel this way too. I kind of think it might be my personality (most introverted) type that makes it very difficult to make friends. I also tend to be a bit more sensitive to emotions too. I’ve noticed in school that the so called friends that all the popular people have are very superficial. I tend to need more closeness with people. As far as help for it, skiing is great but when you get off the hill the depression sticks. We actually have climbing at my school and I’ve tried it a few times and had fun but there’s definitely sort of an im better than you attitude. I’m also looking at MTB as stuff warms up over here.

To whoever suggested that book how to win friends I must say that that’s a good book. I just don’t know sometimes because making friends just seems impossible
 
I started going to drop in gymnastics a few times of week and ended up with a big friend group of trickers, some handbalancers, all kinds of weird people. I also struggle to make friends and I don't really enjoy most social activity so seeing people often in a structured way helps, and it's easy when there's always something to talk about (that being the activity you're all sharing). Skiing also gets a lot better as you get older. There was a lot of coolguying and cliquey types when I was younger but everyone 23 and up I meet in the park these days is super chill, basically instant friends if I see another old guy. IDK if that helps but skiing will be better for making friends as you get older, everyone still doing it into adulthood is pretty genuine.
 
Lots of great advice in here.

Being very relative to your situation OP, I can say things get better as time goes on. Friends will come and go in your life and the true ones will always be there. I was fortune enough to meet some characters in my early 20's when I joined a motorcycle club. I rode with them for a few years and realized it wasn't a lifestyle I wanted to pursue. I left so called club but those brothers stayed my friends and we have a bond that is fucking crazy... I have also met some real ones just from this site. Just put it out there that I wanted to take some laps and boom, I made friends for life. I will be back stateside in your area in a few months, happy to take some laps if you are down. Keep at it OP and I promise you things will pan out. Stay up and keep fighting the fight.
 
exercise exercise exercise exercise exercise

Seems to be the only proper remedy for me.... have had/have problems with both anxiety / depression / loneliness as well brotha. it gets better, it gets worse, thats life, ups and downs are not uncommon, gotta learn to enjoy both the good and the bad.... that being said, nearly every low point I have ever had in my life, was able to be solved with a proper diet and surplus of exercise. therapy never really worked for me

when you are constantly challenging yourself physically on the daily, and make that the most important aspect of your life, you just dont have time anymore for weed/booze, easy pussy, junk food, bad sleep habits, video games, porn, etc or anything else that is going to potentially throw you out of your rhythm. Im not a big "gym bro" by any means either, but getting into calisthenics was HUGE for me. U dont have to go to a gym (just buy a some basic equipment) and find a challenging routine and incrementally make it harder as needed, you'll get shredded if you stick to it, throw some stretches in there somewhere too. I would be more than happy to share with u my day 1 routine that worked for me when i first got into training if you like. Trail running / basketball are my cardio, and i genuinely enjoy both so much. Calisthenics are still kind of a bore for me, but the mental/physical benefit i get makes it so worth it. Im not always really "excited" to go do pull/chin ups or whatever im doing that day, but afterwards i feel so much fucking better. The mental strength you gain is also insane. plus u just dont get hurt as easily skiing which is a big bonus.

When ski season hits, i still keep up the routine, but slightly lighten it in some areas to account for the fact that im skiing. Same w when im hiking/backpacking more in the summers.

plus you get to look in the mirror after a couple months or so, and say "i look like a fucking chad". that alone will bring you a significant level of satisfaction in your life.

if ur not already sober tho, get sober.

i know "just start working out bro" is kind of a played out response to depression/loneliness, but that shit can fr change your life if you let it.

best of luck man, dm's always open
 
oh cooking too man, cooking is the shit

i make sensational dishes now and that shit makes me so happy

boutta whip up some beef and broccoli/peppers rn
 
Read you are getting into MTB. Awesome! Another way to meet people in that sport is to help out at trail builds with a local club. Talking and digging, socializing and exercising at the same time. The people who show up to builds are more often than not good, chill people.
 
College can be a tough time dude. The best thing you can do is just to spend your time doing things are that are good for you. This includes your hobbies, passions, working hard, exercising, spending quality time with people. That last one is tough if you don't have friends, but I encourage you just to try to start conversations with people and connect over common things whenever you can. This is a great way to make some friends. Then your circle will continue to grow without you even trying.
 
14527234:qazwsxedc34 said:
That usually ends in heroine overdoses and suicides.
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hell naw buying new music gear is great and i don’t think correlates to either of those
 
14527234:qazwsxedc34 said:
That usually ends in heroine overdoses and suicides.
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Kurt Cobain was murdered.

The media destroyed him, psych hospitals had him on lithium, and his music still lives. The mtv unplugged was supposed to be a joke on him, and solidified his legend.

**This post was edited on Apr 7th 2023 at 12:06:26am
 
thanks for all the input. It really helps a bit. I actually got to the point where I looked at whats up with this more in depth, like getting a psych eval. That gave some interesting but good insights. It also makes me feel as though I d have what it takes to have friends.
 
14529767:pow_boy3.14 said:
thanks for all the input. It really helps a bit. I actually got to the point where I looked at whats up with this more in depth, like getting a psych eval. That gave some interesting but good insights. It also makes me feel as though I d have what it takes to have friends.
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Don't ever talk to a doctor about your mental state. I've heard mixed things about therapists but DO NOT let these people swindle you into starting prescription meds.
 
14529773:armchair_skier said:
Don't ever talk to a doctor about your mental state. I've heard mixed things about therapists but DO NOT let these people swindle you into starting prescription meds.
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So I actually got a full professional assessment. It was insightful but also a bit difficult because while supposedly I am clinically very smart, I checked all the boxes for MDD and Social Anxiety. Most interestingly when they did a personality test I am a less common personality type (for those wondering, look up INTJ on the internet). I also scored not insignificantly high for ADHD and apparently, I have "traits and features" of ASD. Kind of explains why im so hated by the ski community.
 
14529773:armchair_skier said:
Don't ever talk to a doctor about your mental state. I've heard mixed things about therapists but DO NOT let these people swindle you into starting prescription meds.
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risky advice
 
14529786:pow_boy3.14 said:
So I actually got a full professional assessment. It was insightful but also a bit difficult because while supposedly I am clinically very smart, I checked all the boxes for MDD and Social Anxiety. Most interestingly when they did a personality test I am a less common personality type (for those wondering, look up INTJ on the internet). I also scored not insignificantly high for ADHD and apparently, I have "traits and features" of ASD. Kind of explains why im so hated by the ski community.
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Cudos to you for getting help. Huge first step. But never think that people hate you. Never. No one hates you unless you're a really bad person and even then everyone is too busy thinking about their own shit and any outwards hatred is jealousy.
 
Congrats on taking that step for an assessment, that is a huge hurdle to overcome in of itself and you did it. Understanding why we are the way we are is a key step, to then knowing what we need to do for ourselves/what tools we need to overcome the more challenging parts of ourselves.
 
Thanks for all of the support from you all on getting my eval. It doesn't really make anything easier though but it does help me understand who I am as a person. I think the hardest piece of it is although I work with a therapist and am on meds, is that people typically think i'm some sort of pathogen anytime I try to engage with them, especially the outdoorsy folk. School doesn't help things. It really makes me concerned for our society.
 
Have you considered joining any local clubs or groups related to your hobbies or interests? This could be a good way to meet new people who share your passions and who may be more open to forming connections outside of just taking advantage of a free ride. You might also want to consider volunteering or getting involved in community events - this could be a way to give back to the community and meet like-minded people in the process.

In terms of dealing with depression, it's great that you're already aware of the potential risks associated with drugs and alcohol and are trying to find other ways to cope. Some other strategies that can be helpful include practicing self-care activities like exercise, getting enough sleep, and eating healthy, nutritious foods. You might also want to consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you develop coping strategies and offer support. Therapy and speaking with a mental health professional can be beneficial in helping you cope with loneliness and depression. For instance, reach out to Annie Hirschman, Therapist, LCSW fromhttps://www.riviamind.com/, who considerably helped to get through my childhood traumas.

Remember that it's okay to take time to find your place in a community and to make meaningful connections. Keep putting yourself out there and don't be afraid to try new things - you never know where you might find a new friend or connection.

**This post was edited on Apr 29th 2023 at 5:21:35pm
 
14533114:sigband said:
Have you considered joining any local clubs or groups related to your hobbies or interests? This could be a good way to meet new people who share your passions and who may be more open to forming connections outside of just taking advantage of a free ride. You might also want to consider volunteering or getting involved in community events - this could be a way to give back to the community and meet like-minded people in the process.

In terms of dealing with depression, it's great that you're already aware of the potential risks associated with drugs and alcohol and are trying to find other ways to cope. Some other strategies that can be helpful include practicing self-care activities like exercise, getting enough sleep, and eating healthy, nutritious foods. You might also want to consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can help you develop coping strategies and offer support. Therapy and speaking with a mental health professional can be beneficial in helping you cope with loneliness and depression. For instance, reach out to Annie Hirschman, Therapist, LCSW fromhttps://www.riviamind.com/, who considerably helped to get through my childhood traumas.

Remember that it's okay to take time to find your place in a community and to make meaningful connections. Keep putting yourself out there and don't be afraid to try new things - you never know where you might find a new friend or connection.

**This post was edited on Apr 29th 2023 at 5:21:35pm
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Really good stuff here. It would be great if there was more awareness of drug/alcohol use in the ski community though. As someone who has Depression on paper, I think people don't understand how much it really affects you.They often think if just really anxious or shy, but don't see the hour-long mental collapse where I just cant stop crying. I've seriously questioned my existence because although people always say how stuff affects people around you, I know in my heart that if I just disappeared off of my college campus that the only people who would give a flying sausage would be my parents, when nobody knows you, nobody cares if you are gone. I tend to enjoy skiing, climbing, MTB, camping, etc quite a bit. Issue is that the ski/outdoor community puts people into boxes and relies on harmful stereotypes. If you are at all different, it is a community that gives you the middle finger. Medication does work a little bit and I have a mental wellbeing professional whom i work with. I just feel broken as a person, because I just seem to never be capable of making any connections.
 
This is pretty specific advice, but it worked for me so I think it’s worth sharing.

A year or two ago I found myself in a similar situation to you - in a grad school program in Pittsburgh where I knew nobody and didn’t have many friends outside of my program. Over the course of two years I dug myself into a pretty deep hole of depression and anxiety. Two things really helped me flip the switch and get my mental health back on track:

1. Therapy (I know this has already been suggested, so +1 to that advice). But more specifically, therapy helped me get a lot more in tune with my gut instincts and connect with what I really want out of life. Young adulthood is really hard nowadays, and external pressures can make us feel like we “need” to go down a certain path even if it doesn’t feel right deep down. Therapy helped me come to terms with that and slowly start making life changes towards the kind of life I want to live. Once you learn to acknowledge and let go of those external pressures, a huge weight is lifted.

2. Running. Running is a scientifically proven depression cure. It release endorphins in your brain that stimulate cannabinoid receptors (this is the cause of the “runners high” that you might have heard of). I like to think of it as natural depression medication. I also found that setting goals (mostly races) in running can help me feel like I’m making regular progress towards a medium term goal, which really helps to ground my thoughts. Also you’ve talked about lacking community - running groups are an excellent place to meet new like-minded people.

Wishing you well OP. Depression sucks, but I believe you can work your way to the other side. Trust me, it gets better.

**This post was edited on May 6th 2023 at 4:30:30pm
 
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