Grad School Essays - English Majors, or kids with proofing skill, needed - Read and comment

hendriab

Member
Hey guys,

Just finishing some essays for my grad school app. Im at the point where Im trying to get as many people to read them as possible, including my room mates, fiance, friends, references, and tomorrow they are submitted to the OWL for a finishing touch. FIgured the more eyes that see my words, the better. So read up and comment if you feel like a change may be necessary. Just quote the sentance that you think is rough, and offer a solution. Topic is listed above each essay. You dudes are the best

-Places are removed, just because Im weird and dumb and whatever

StartFragment

Please respond to the following scenario: You

are a student on a clinical rotation, in which you learn under the guidance of

a physical therapist. One of your classmates has also been placed in the same

clinic. This classmate is well-respected and is considered a leader in your

class. At the clinical site, there have been some recent thefts from staff

desks. There is a great deal of concern about this among the clinical staff.

One morning, a patient whom you are treating tells you that he observed your classmate

taking money from a staff member's desk. What do you do? Why did you choose

this course of action?
(3000 characters)

As a prospective physical therapy

student, I have very high expectations for myself, as well as for the

educational program I attend, and the other students and faculty involved with

that program. Because of

these expectations, it is very important to me that, when at a clinical

location, I represent myself, and the Doctor of Physical Therapy program, in

the most professional way possible, and insist that other students do the same.

It is obvious that stealing from a clinical site would hurt the reputation of

the individuals involved with the Doctor of Physical Therapy program, as well

as possibly prevent future students from being able to use that clinical site

as opportunity to learn.

However,

it is also important to deal with difficult situations in a responsible and

professional manner. My first

action would be to privately approach the student in question, and ask if he

would be willing to explain his side of the situation; it is likely that the

patient who witnessed the incident may have misinterpreted the actions of the

student. From there, I would

encourage the student to approach the Lead Physical Therapist of the clinical site,

as well as a member of the Doctor of Physical Therapy program faculty, to fully

explain his actions. It would be

very important to me to express myself in a manner that is neither accusatory nor

disrespectful in any way, due to the complexity of the situation.

If

the student in question were to avoid discussing the issue with either myself,

the lead Physical Therapist of the clinical site, or a faculty member of the

DPT program, I feel it would be my responsibility to present the matter to a

faculty member or physical therapist at the clinical site. It would be my intent to express

my interpretation of the facts in the most objective way possible, as to avoid

unnecessary accusation of fault, and I would encourage the student in question

to accompany myself to the meeting, to allow him the opportunity to explain his

actions.

In

conclusion, the pride that I would have in the Doctor of Physical Therapy

program, and the expectations I hold myself to, would necessitate me to take

the aforementioned actions to protect the reputation of the program and the

people involved. I feel that

following the pre-described course of action would offer the student in

question the best opportunity to explain himself and retain his dignity. Furthermore, this method would limit

any chance of miscommunication, as well as the number of people involved with

the scenario. This would allow the

situation to be dealt with in the most objective and fair manner possible.

Students in the DPT program learn at an

urban campus, and ultimately will provide care to individuals from a wide

variety of backgrounds. Please provide at least one specific example of a

situation in which you interacted with people who are in some way different

from you. (These differences could be related to disability, language, culture,

religion, race, socioeconomic status, sexual orientation, or age, for example).

Please reflect on this experience and in your narrative response tell us what

you learned from this experience, and how it has shaped you and/or the manner

in which you interact with others. Additionally, please comment on some other

personal attributes that will make you a good fit for the DPT program (3000 characters)


While working as a certified athletic

trainer at the Aurora Rehabilitation Center in B, I had the opportunity

to work with a variety of patients from various social, economic, and ethnic

classes. An excellent example of

working with a patient to overcome diversity involves my experience in treating

a Spanish-speaking lady, whom was being treated for back pain.

On the day of this patient’s

appointment, there was a scheduling conflict that caused the interpreter to

arrive late to the therapy session.

Due to the communication barrier, conventional methods of rehabilitation

instruction could not be used.

However, it was important to me to

ensure this patient was comfortable, and that our therapy appointment was

productive and beneficial to her.

By using alternative methods of communication, including exercise demonstration,

and maintaining a light and positive demeanor, we were able to work together

and accomplish the goals described by the primary physical therapist in the

rehabilitation plan.

This experience taught me how

important a positive attitude is to health care professionals, especially physical

therapists, who work on a one-on-one basis with patients. By maintaining optimism, I have learned

that patients will naturally be more open and enthusiastic for therapy, which

will yield more productive results.

Furthermore,

working with someone who has a social barrier has proved the significance of

having a mindset that is eager to find solutions to problems, both planned for

and unexpected. This experience

has shown me that, as a physical therapist, it is important to meet challenges

with an encouraging mindset. I

feel that accepting these challenges and overcoming unexpected obstacles is an

exciting aspect of physical therapy that keeps professionals actively engaged

in their profession, and maintains motivation.

In

addition to a positive attitude and a willingness to overcome challenges, I

feel that my work experience has also instilled a deep understanding of how a

successful physical therapist approaches the daily expectations of his or her

career. Observing and practicing

professional body language and communication skills with both patients and

other healthcare professionals in the workplace will allow for a seamless

transition into the role of a physical therapy student. By practicing appropriate body language

and communication skills, one is able to convey a sense of professionalism,

which creates an excellent therapist-patient, as well as teacher-student,

dynamic.

My

work experience, including the event described above, truly shows my ability to

work with individuals, regardless of personal differences. It is my goal to maintain a

positive attitude in all that I do, and to face challenges with the upmost

optimism. Lastly, I feel that

sustaining proper body mechanics and communication skills will allow me to make

the most of my educational opportunities as a member of the Doctor of Physical

Therapy program.

Describe your decision making process

in choosing physical therapy as a career choice versus other health care

careers (4500 characters)




The

decision making process that has lead me to decide physical therapy is the

perfect career for me was both challenging and exciting. This process required me to work harder

than I ever have before, and has allowed me to develop relationships with some

truly great professionals. This

path has included work experience, additional coursework to satisfy the

prerequisites for application, and the opportunity to grow as an individual and

a professional.

After

graduating from U with a degree in Athletic Training, I had the

tremendous opportunity to work at the Aurora Rehabilitation Center in

B. While working

there, I had my first opportunity to work alongside, and shadow, physical

therapists in the orthopedic outpatient setting. This gave me my first taste of what it really means to be a

physical therapist, and I quickly made it my goal to become a physical

therapist. I worked to absorb and

learn as much as I possibly could about the physical therapy profession while

working at the Aurora Rehab Center.

Each day presented the opportunity to shadow a physical therapist during

an evaluation of an interesting problem, or attend an informational

presentation about a new technique over the lunch period. One aspect of physical therapy that

really excited me was the opportunity to work with individuals on a personal

level, and create individually tailored strategies to solve problems, which was

demonstrated daily to me at work.

In

addition to working at the Aurora Rehabilitation Center, I also made the

decision to enroll in a cadaver based anatomy course offered through U, which was intended for students of the Doctor of Physical Therapy

Program. My goal was to increase

my overall understanding of how the human body works, as well as to get a

sample of what it is like to be a physical therapy student. .

Taking

that course was invaluable for a number of reasons. First off, I committed myself to working as hard as I

possibly could, and ended the course with excellent scores. In order to excel in this course, I

continued to develop sound organizational skills and study habits, which have

carried over into life-long skills.

This course also allowed me to network and build a relationship with the

instructor, whom encouraged me to pursue my goal of becoming a physical therapy

student, and enabled me by offering tremendous advice and a letter of

recommendation.

My

next step was to complete the remainder of the prerequisite courses necessary

for application, as well as complete the Graduate Record Exam. It was my goal to use these courses and

the GRE as an opportunity to showcase my educational abilities, and to prove

that I have the ability to succeed in the classroom as a physical therapy

student. I can proudly say that my

efforts have paid off, and feel that these last few semesters at U,

as well as the scores I earned when I attempted the GRE, accurately reflect my

intellectual capabilities.

Lastly,

I was eager to continue my experience working with physical therapists, but was

interested in broadening my knowledge of the physical therapy profession and

skill-set. I began working as a

Rehab Aide at A, where I earned the opportunity to work with

many different physical therapists in a multitude of settings. In addition to shadowing physical

therapists and broaden my understanding of the career, I was able to further

network with physical therapists in the M area, and expand on my knowledge

of basic skills, which includes hands on experience with patient transfers,

proper body mechanics and hand placement, and an introduction to various

rehabilitation techniques.

I

believe that passion is developed from complete immersion in something, and I

have done all that I can to immerse myself in the field of physical

therapy. I have worked alongside

physical therapists in both the outpatient and inpatient setting, and have

already begun building a basic skill set by doing so. I have sampled a graduate level physical therapy course, and

expanded my understanding of the human body while earning exceptional

scores. Lastly, I have committed

myself to achieving excellent scores in both the prerequisite courses and the

GRE exam, which I have done through hard work and dedication. I feel that I have done everything in my

ability to present my strongest application possible to the Doctor of Physical

Therapy program.

EndFragment
 
change this: "Students in the DPT program learn at an urban campus"[/b]to:

Students in the DPT program learn[/b] at my dick.
 
if they do, their cool. if they dont, no biggie, just trying to get people to lay eyes on it. Thanks for the bump!
 
I count 5, and a 6th would be appropriate for what is referred to as an "Oxford Comma", and its not part of the essay...but thanks for looking anyways!
 
Because of these expectations, it is very important to me that, when at a clinical location, I represent myself, and the Doctor of Physical Therapy program, in the most professional way possible, and insist that other students do the same.

There are six there, bud. I think you can come up with a better/less fragmatic way of saying the same thing. I know that when I was in grad school they wanted you to say what you needed to say in the simplest, most direct manner possible as opposed to trying to put together complex sentences full of filler bs to try and make it sound super intelligent....for lack of better way to put it. There are several other places throughout your essay where you seem to be over-wording it as well.

idk, just my two cents. it reads as if you're trying too hard to sound smart. no offense intended - just my advice based on my experiences in grad school.
 
This, I find, is a really substantial—yet fair—criticism of this essay, as I think it is an unnecessarily wordy, or perhaps verbose, attempt to appear more intelligent, which ultimately accomplished the opposite.
 
Okay ... I tried by best but kinda lost it at the end.

There are seriously WAY too many commas. I had this problem a lot when i was writing papers at school and a lot of the time where you have a comma you can usually throw down a period and make it a new sentence. It'll keep the writing sharper and the reader more engaged. Check it over again with that in mind.

In the 2nd paragraph of your first response, in the third line I would change likely to possibly.

The changes below are generally capitalized or otherwise delineated

StartFragment



If the student in question were to

avoid discussing the issue with either myself, the lead Physical Therapist of

the clinical site, or a faculty member of the DPT program, I feel it would be

my responsibility to present the matter to a faculty member or physical

therapist at the clinical site. It would be my intent to express my

interpretation of the facts in the most objective way possible, as to avoid unnecessary

accusation of fault. FURTHER I would encourage the student in question to

accompany me to the meeting, to allow him the opportunity to explain his

actions.

This method would limit any

chance of miscommunication limit the number of people involved with the

scenario, and allow the situation to be dealt with in the most objective and

fair manner possible.

in treating a

Spanish-speaking lady, WHO was being treated for back pain.

However, it was important to me to

ensure this patient was comfortable, and that our therapy appointment was

productive and beneficial to her. By using alternative methods of

communication, including exercise demonstration, and maintaining a light and

positive demeanor, we were able to work together and accomplish the goals

described by the primary physical therapist in the rehabilitation plan.

à I feel like you could go into more detail here… Did the

demonstrations lead to laughter? How did you keep it light, in spite of the

lack of communication?

This gave me my first taste of what

it really means to be a physical therapist and I quickly made it my goal. to

become a physical therapist.

Each day presented the opportunity

to shadow a physical therapist during an evaluation of an interesting problem,

or attend an informational presentation about a new technique over the lunch

period.

à Each day presented a new opportunity, shadowing a physical

therapist …. Or attending ….

This course also allowed me to network and build a relationship with the instructor, WHO encouraged me to pursue my goal of becoming a physical therapy student, and enabled me by offering tremendous advice and a letter of recommendation.

I hope that helps ! And if you have any questions about the edits I tried to make lemme know.

EndFragment
 
haha nice. thanks for the suggestions! I know its a bitch to read, really means a lot taht your willing to page through that whole thing. Thank you so much
 
haha nice, i see what you did there :). Its tough, ya know? Trying to sound like Im actually worthy of acceptance haha. appreciate the effort and comment though. Looks like I have my work cut out for me. Glad I posted this, you guys are wicked smart
 
no worries, dude. i know that over use of commas and over-wording sentences were two of the biggest things I had to overcome between college and grad school writing. i think that if you heed my advice, then you'll do well with your writing. you're obviously a smart guy, so there's no need to try so hard to prove it with ultra complex writing.
 
piss.out.of.my.ass. haha went for a little jog to get my mind right, and read through again, taking all your suggestions into account and watching for commas. guess i went a little nuts!

whoever said I was writing to try to sound smarter and impress people was spot on haha. Its tough though, trying to impress a bunch of people you hardly know, hoping they will allow you to pay out the nose to listen to them speak and do free labor for the next three years in exchange for a slice of fancy paper and the hopes and dreams of getting a job that will one day allow me to finally repay all my debt. Allowing me to break even just in time to die...haha psych. love you dudes
 
work on your transitions (they're awful), don't restate the questions, and watch the commas.

"overcome diversity" -- don't know if that's the word your trying to go for, but it's wrong, and makes you sound either condescending or racist -- i haven't made up my mind.

I understand that this is important step and represents a path/direction/life plant/etc., but don't take it so seriously. It comes off as a 7th grade lab report.

I would try boiling down each response to one short, declarative sentence. Then, write what you feel about that single thought. Keep it informal, true, and real. Your responses lack voice.

Remember your audience. they want to know why you're applying, not what you've done to prove you're worthy.

good luck, and buy a copy of this:http://www.amazon.com/The-Elements-Style-Fourth-Edition/dp/020530902X

 
This would be my main critique on your responses. Everything else that I've thought of has already been covered in the previous responses. Particularly with your second excerpt, you need to condense the chunks you have. From a formatting perspective it needs work. A paragraph break doesn't need to come every time you jump to a new main idea when you're writing such a lengthy essay. Go through everything you have and group them by concept. Then, as stated above, work on your transitions.

Lastly, I would emphasize variety in your sentences. One of my favorite professors said something that will never leave my head. "If you read your own work and you're bored as shit, I will be too. Sometimes two words speak more than twenty.
 
You're right, it's really difficult to find that balance between "I want to sound intelligent and educated, but not over the top". I don't think you're too far off, just continue to revise over a week or so and if at any point you read a sentence and find yourself thinking it's unnecessary or redundant or clunkily worded, dump it.

The nice thing though is that you're not applying to law school, or whatever where writing is such a crucial part, so don't trip too hard. Good luck to you.
 
You need to walk a fine line between sounding like you are stuck up/trying to hard, and sounding like an ignorant idiot. As the others said, the, commas, are, everywhere. You obviously fell into the trying too hard ditch. I don't think it is too bad at all, just a little bit awkward. I also think that if you are going to fall into a ditch you did definitely fall into the right ditch. Better to sound too smart then to come off as an idiot. Good Luck!

(Also pretty sure what I just wrote is full of all sorts of errors)
 
to, many, fucking, commas, dude, I, don't, understand, why, you, are, writing, like that.
 
thanks for the bump. the comma issue has been addressed haha, working to fix it. These suggestions and a few hours worth of help from a very dear friend has made this rubbish into a few very lean and mean essays :)
 
Nice! Best of luck dude.

Also, you might want to revise the first one so you sound more ethical. I would say something like I would tell him I know what you did and if you don't give me at least half of the cut I will break your knee caps.
 
I only read the first essay, but, I think what's more important than your writing/style is what you are actually saying. You picked THE most thoughtless and obvious answer. You know how many people probably gave the first question a nearly identical answer? a lot. Anyone who works in admissions for a school is bored to death by their job and so they champion originality over nearly anything else. I would strongly recommend going over your essays and making sure that all of your answers are imaginative, creative, original etc
 
Bump

Unfortunately, my mother died two years ago from cancer. Miss her every day. Ironically, she was an english teacher, and would happily proof my papers through HS and college. Miss her like crazy.

Good news, however. Got an email this morning congratulating me on my acceptance. Super nice feeling. Glad to know leaving a FT job to become a student again is starting to become worth it. Thanks again for everyones help.

 
The commas seem fine to me. If that's the way you write then it's fine. It does seem a little wordier than average but it is a grad school app so that's probably ok.
 
OP.. if they use google to check for any plagiarism this will be the first thing to come up. Just sayin.
 
haha def made me laugh. Nice. Thanks for the look through, but the essays have been submitted and the decisions have been made. Support from NS makes me love NS
 
Def get this thread deleted for plagiarism even though you wrote the paper.

I think its a great essay. Work on your transitions a little bit more as well as overall flow. I think the commas really kinda stop the flow of the essay. For me personally, I enjoy using semi colons if I cant flow sentences together but want to keep that idea together if that makes any sense.

Best of luck
 
I almost cried reading those essays. So, many, damn, commas, shit, son. Clearly obvious you didn't major in anything writing intensive LOL.

Best of luck with grad school.

 
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