Funny drunk stories, lets hear em

EthanJPAskier

EthanJPAskier

Active member

Heres mine

So, last weekend me and some friends were out at a party and we started drinking. One friend gets totally drunk. So we drive back to my house because he couldn't drive home. As we're sitting on the couch with my whole family there he starts yelling; TITTIES! I LIKE TITTIES! over and over, but that wasn't the worst part, later that night at about 3 in the morning i woke up and heard someone banging on the walls. So i got out of bed and walked into the hall. Walking down the hall was my friend wearing nothing but a shirt. He continued walking and turned into the room that we were remodeling that was filled with tools and building materials and started to pick up a piece of drywall. "What the hell are u doing?" i asked him, and he replied "Build house build house". He then turned around to walk away and tripped over something, and fell onto the drywall he was carrying and split it in half, dust went everywhere, and when it cleared there he was, laying on the ground fast asleep. naked.
 
woke up naked in nothing but a shower robe, in the toilet when my bed was about 2 meters away! worse thing was it was like 3 pm so anyone could have walked in and seen me
 
Last week, my friend has a huge party at his house. He let me sleep over for the night if I wanted. I told him that I'd be sleeping over because I did not want to drive home during the night because of the abusive amount of alcool I'd be drinking...

So I start drinking like mad and next thing I know is that I'm in Burger King at 2am. BLACKOUT. I only remember being in a taxi and puking in it (but the driver was mad chill, he gave me kleenex to clean my face up). Then, BLACKOUT. I wake up in my house's bathroom with my parents scared that I was not able to breathe and that I should go to the hospital; but I told them: "nahh I'm allright I'll jsut go to bed" . So I go to sleep and puke once again next to my bed.

The morning I wake up still drunk as fuck, head spinning like mad and see all that puke next to my bed.

So I was supposed to sleep at my friend's house and this is how it ended. Crunkest night ever! It was really hard recovering.
 
i was shatfaced at this kids house at like 12 oclock at night when i try to go to bed.. cause i had practice in the morning,,,,, then i wake up at 2am in my car on somebodys front lawn, about a mile from where the party happened......... oh yea, it was springtime too so i ended up getting stuck in the mud, and i had to call my parents to get me out at like 230am..... thats when they found out that i drink
 
I just woke up at 6am this morning in some random persons backyard on their deck spooning an empty 40 of Jack Daniels completely covered in mud, with giant cuts all over my legs. I have no idea what happened last night and the last thing i remember is heading to the house party with the 40 in my hand...
 
A couple years ago I was in Jackson and I was staying at this cabin-style hotel that a bunch of spring breakers from University of Kentucky were also renting. Their first night in, they bought three kegs (for 20 people) and styed up most of the night drinking and carrying on. Two days later I ended up on a chairlift with two guys from the group, so to make conversation I asked how far they'd gotten on the kegs. They said that by 2AM, one girl was freaking out because she couldn't find her boyfriend. The police ended up being called, and they found the boyfriend an hour later--he had locked himself inside a garage, naked, and was trying to chop his way out with an axe.

His court date was the day after they were scheduled to leave.
 
I was at a house party and blazed with a girl I am totally stoked on, I ended up spilling rum and coke all over my shoes. I walked around for 3 hours without shoes, then I accidentally stepped in the fire and got burns, we all went to the hospital and I got treated for it. Then went back to partying my face off. I went home at 8 am still drunk, without my shoes and a bandage on my foot.
 
i remember my first beer...
no but seriously it was the first time i had ever gone to a party and actually drank. it was summer going into my senior year, yeah i know late bloomer. but it was at some sketchy ass house but at least all my friends were there and people were pretty stoked that i was finally drinking haha. after 5 beers in about an hour i decided to try my luck at some games...FAIL. i lost everything including clothing. fast forward a little to me doing my first keg stand. i was up on their shoulders just about to start drinking when some dickfuck comes running into the room screaming cops. people ran like wildfire upstairs even the people who were holding me. needless to say i was dropped straight onto the keg hitting my head and shoulder.
after about 5 minutes the kid comes back from upstairs and he's like haha just joking there aren't any cops. HAR HAR captain douchebag. i spent the rest of the party with a bag of ice on my forehead.
 
got the "i would totally fuck you right now..... if u werent you" by the girl i like

so decided to get even more intoxicated and blackouted in a snowbank shirtless. but magically woke up in a bed in one of my friends houses like 5 miles from where i last remember being
 
I drunken boxed my friend who is a 5'3" female. I dominated her ass, although my face is swollen because she got one good headshot on me.
 
After a huge party me and a couple friends decide its time for some waffle house. We get there and we are all sitting in a booth and out of nowhere so hispanics pop out and ask us how to get to florida. Let me remind you I live about 600 miles away from florida and I had no idea what was going on. So i told them to go under the bridge and get on the highway (turns out it was heading north) and just keep driving. Then another time my friend ate the same worm like 9 times. I dont know how that worked out.
 
ok so this past winter, my rents went out of town, so i had my girlfriend over... and my sister had her bf. so we went to my buddies place and i played a couple games of pong. i was feeling good, but we decided to go home. i crashed as soon as my head hit the pillow, and then 3 minutes later, i got up, and pissed in the corner of my room, on the wall/floor. my gf asked wtf i was doing and i said,"sorry baby, i just missed the toilet a little bit". i then proceeded to go to bed, but the gf was like, "derek! wtf! you just pissed on the floor!", WTF. i started yelling at her. she then texted my sister saying she doesnt know what to do, but my sister was sleeping, so she went into my closet and tried to hide. i woke up 10 minutes later and was confused as fuck. she then told me what i had done, and at first i didnt believe her, but then i saw it was all wet so i cleaned it up. then in the morning, my sister came running into my room while we were boning, and she was laughing at the text my gf sent her. blah blah blah, thats it
 
well my friend that is 17 had a cop come up to his car since he was parked at a local park at 2am and the police officer noticed an open beer in the seat. he had my friend do a straight line, and finger test.he did not pass either. then he did the breatholizer. and my friend blew a .15 and his friend(s) both blew .1...(all underage)
50 hours of community service each(500$ fine each)all charged with underage drinkingmy friend charged with 3rd degree underage drinking since he was driving..///no jail time for anyone or anything.
 
My girlfriend's house is right at a pretty sharp corner on the road. One night she hears a big noise outside at like 2am. She looks out the window and there's a van upsidedown on her front lawn. She wakes up her parents and they all go out to see what's going on. It turns out that the guy driving a van is an acquaintance of hers. He's in a local metal band and they were doing a gig and he got pretty drunk and tried to drive home. Well he had all the band's equipment in the van and by the time they get outside he's lying in their front lawn, crying over his bass guitar. Like literally bawling his eyes out. He's like the most hardcore metalhead in the world and it still makes me laugh to think about it.
 
left one bar pretty shitty to go to another one, got in an argument in a bunch of hard core bikers, my friend called them wild hogs, called one a pussy becasue he yelled at me for touching his patches on his leather so i ran across the room and punched one across the face from behind (sorta sucker shot but he touched my girlfriend) ran and hit im like 300 style got draged out huge fight broke out ran back in smached a bottle over one of the guys heads, cops came i ran to a car got driven off the cops were searching for me supper drunk got paraniod ran into the woods burried my fake id under a trea so i wouldnt get arrested, got my sb dunks filthy haha, woke up and 7 in the morning same clothes filthy and had to go get my passport photo taken bad news
 
well, i passed out and woke up 20 miles away from where i was laying face down in the middle of a soccer field. there was also a mexican riding a tractor just sitting next to me. this happened 3 nights ago and i have still yet to find out how i got there... my asshole was intact so no rape happened, i had a funny taste in my mouth though. im hoping it was just vomit.
 
2 years ago, 17 at the time, in jamaica after my sister's wedding party at the resort club, i pass out in my room at 3-4am, wake up 15mins later to leak the lizard. totally forgot about the washroom in my room, i run across half the resort barefoot and pants less to go to the lobby washroom, when i got there i realized that there was a washroom in my room, and ran back with a full bladder about to burst. got to my room, door was locked and my roomie was out like a light. resorted to going to my 'rents room, thinkin it was a good idea. get there, dad answers half asleep and pretty cheesed about the wake up. i do my thing and finally crash to a pounding hangover and questioning parents in the morning.
 
mine is short but i still laugh about it

so i was drunk leaving this party and got in my car with my girlfriend we were leaving and i kinda had to piss but i wasnt to worried about it, anyways se started kissing my neck and stuff, then all the sudden i was getting road head, so it happened for a few mins or so, i hit a bump and strait up pissed alittle in her mouth
 
last night i was at a party at my friend nicks house. while we were smokin a bleezy in the driveway we see 2 cops coming down the road coming to break up the party. probably due to a noise complaint. so we tell everyone, and they decide to go inside and not let them in. which didnt work in the end. but we run through the woods drunk off our asses passing a blunt. the cops saw us run through the woods and apparently we found out later one of them was a k9 unit that was going to find us. i also fell off about a 5 ft cliff while sprinting through the woods in the dark and ruined my favorite hoody. harsh for an average party but they set up cop stops because a person inside was busted with a zip. shitty night
 
But for realzies, may long weekend, in tofino after about 4 hours of driving, no food all day, all i wanted to do was drink, so i started drinking at out campsite, and then wer all like, lets go explore the beach, so we go, and then im being all like enviromentaly consiouces and piucking up my cans, and i have one in my pocket, and upon bringing my hand out, my thumb gets stuck in the hole somehow, so then i rip my thumb out and slice my thumb open, blood everywhjere, it was cool, and i go to pee in the ocean and the surf was stoopidly high on this eve and i get swamped by a large wave(i was like thigh deep to begin with) then im like fuck this, leave back to the campsite and satrt to spoon our kindling for warmth and endup putting out the fire with my vomit, then i proceed to violentyl vomit into the pile of firewood for about 5 minutes, cool story, then my posse rolls up the trail and theyr all like wtf cause the fires out and theres puke covered firewood and i woke up ontop of my van/ apparently i drew a large number of penis's on my firends vehicel in oil pastels, she wasnt too pleased, im over ittho.

1234394871saturday-night.jpg

 
I was at a party at a house where the kids had only rented out the top floor. There was a sick deck that was about 25 ft off the sidewalk and set back from the street about 30ft. We were all hanging out on the porch. I was getting pretty drunk and having a good time.

All of a sudden I spotted a recycling can on the sidewalk down on the street. I turned to one of the cute girls who lives at this place and bet her something stupid like if I make my bottle into the can I get to crash in her bed. I've got that perfect buzz going where your confidence is through the roof and nothing can go wrong, so I just grabbed the neck of the bottle, lined up, and took the shot ultimate-beer pong style. To my and everyone else's amazement the shot was perfect. I was beyond stoked and at that level of drunkeness where I HAVE to do this again. I grab an empty, line up and give it a toss. 2 FOR 2 OH MY GAWD. So right now I'm thinking I'm the shit. One of the residents does a shot or two with me. This was the new center of this party. I pound another beer (for the bottle) and go for the toss. By this point I'm pretty freaking drunk and common sense/rational behavior has left me. The third bottle misses with a tremendous shattering of glass all over the road. Oh well. I grab a half drunk beer, finish it and go for the toss. 4th one is good and still no one else has even tried my amazing new game for fear of breaking bottles all over the street. Of course I don't give a shit and am on top of the world.

Here's where things took a downturn. Things started to get hazy, but I've been told that I pounded every half drank bottle in sight and started chucking them at this recycling can. I still made a few, but broke a LOT of bottles on the street. We're talking like 15 here. The crown on my bottle toss game was when someone gave me about a half a bottle of wine. I love wine so it didn't bother me to take massive pulls off this till it was gone. Sadly the wine bottle didn't make it in the can.

By now the road basically has a blanket of glass on it (so I here...I was totally blacked out. I tend to be a very functional black out and will end up doing stuff I have no recollection of. Never puke though. Thank god). The girl I was crashing with convinced me to come kick it with her inside, as now they were worried about police, etc. I complied and after who knows what we went to sleep. I was too incoherent to make any moves on her....I think....

My god I have so many of these. I'll post more later. That's probably a bad sign haha

Ok, so anyway, I wake up in the middle of the night and go on a quest for the bathroom (can't remember this either) unfortunately I can't find it, so being the courteous guest that I am I tried to contain myself to make less of a mess...so I opened the oven door and pissed in their oven. The girl I was sharing a bed with had come and found me by now, and was aparently less than happy at having to clean up my little accident. Needless to say I woke up on the living room couch, not still in her bed. Damn.

The net morning I was hung over as shit / still drunk and thought everything I had done the night before was hilarious and awesome. The residents didn't think it was that funny. Luckily I sweet talked them over breakfast and managed to maintain some friendships...
 
Story #2: Coughing up blood after drunk bridge jumping with my boss

Ok, I'll try to keep this one a bit shorter. Last summer I worked at a research lab at U of Washington in Seattle. It was right on the water and lucky for me so was the house that my friends and I were renting (E Hamilton st, just off Montlake for any Seattle kids). It being summer we grilled constantly. It was pretty much the only way my roommates and I cooked our meals. I can honestly remember making breakfast on the grill.

Back to the point. My house was close to the lab and there were a bunch of 20 somethings working in our lab at the time, so I decided to host a wednesday night BBQ/party at my house (I was 20 at this time, by the way, and we had a pony-keg. Luckily the head doctor in the lab who came turned out to be cool). I was on grill duty making my specialty - pineapple chicken. It's amazing. We also had a bunch of other stuff going so I was pretty busy. Beucase of this immense task of cooking for everyone, I wasn't drinking as much./quickly as my reputation or the other 20 somethings there, so as soon as dinner was served they made me catch up, and then some. Whatev I can act sober even when shitfaced so it wasn't a problem infront of our PI (primary investigator - the boss doc). She liked wine too and even played a round on our pool table.

Ok I'm getting distracted. So basically my whole lab (even the PI) is out to get me drunk. After a while the sun goes down (late in seattle, 9:30 or 10) and someone suggested (probably me) that we go jump off the arboretum bridge since it is so close to my house. It's an abandoned onramp to the 520 floating bridge in seattle and goes through the University arboretum, somewhere between 35 and 40 feet. All the kids jump off it in the summer but not many people like going at night. I think it's a blast at night because since you can't see the water or know when you'll hit so it feels higher. We all walked the 3 or 4 blocks over and 3 or 4 of us went for round 1. There is a nice lagoon for the crowd to view all this from so it was a good time for everyone. I just jumped off it normal and it was fine.

Here's where things get interesting - for round 2 I decided I was going to cork off it in my drunken state. This was REALLY STUPID beucase you can't see the water to know when you will hit it. Basically I get around once and started on a second cork. SHIT. I landed directly on my side and had the wind knocked out like I've never felt before. It was one of those times where you just stay underwater for while becuase you can't really do anything else. Finally I surface to shouts of "are you ok" etc...

I said I was fine and even went with the few stragglers who didn't do it the first 2 times but had mustered up the courage for the 3rd round. It felt like I had a broken rib but I had to put on a solid face in front of the higher ups of the lab (luckily the PI has a son and understands stupids lapses of judgement every now and then). I jump off it for a 3rd time and then drag myself home and to sleep.

It was my goal to beat everyone in to work the next day becasue they would all be hung over so I got up at 7:30 and took a shower. While I was showering I started coughing but instead of mucus coming up i WAS COUGHING UP BLOOD. Definitely a holy shit moment am I dying moment to have quarter size globs of blood coming from my mouth. I woke one of my roommates and asked what to do. He said go to the ER. Of course I still had to win at beating everyone in to the lab, so I figured that I would stop past there and see if one of the docs was in so they could just tell me I wasn't dying.

Apparently my party had been a bigger success than I had anticipated and NO ONE was in the lab. Rare. After a quick google consult which told me I might be dying I took the elevator downstairs and checked into the ER. After a few hours and many tests later the docs said that I had torn some of the small blood vessels in the lungs but that since the coughing had stopped I was fine. Thank god. Being hung over in an ER is never fun. Those assholes didn't even give me an IV (course I never let on I was drinking....)

Two days later was the Seattle to Portland bike ride, and while I hadn't formerly entered it or even planned on riding it, the night before I decided I wanted to do it. I cycle a lot in the summer so it was all good and after coughing upblood 40 hours earlier I got on my bike and rode 207 miles straight from Seattle to Portland (1 day hell yeah).... sometimes I question my own judgement haha....

Spark Notes (I hate doing this but...) -

- Had a party at my college house for my research lab

- Got drunk

- Tried to do a cork off a 35ft bridge in the dark. Drunk. Dumb.

- Landed on my side

- Woke up to coughing up blood in shower

- Went to ER

- Rode bike from Seattle to Portland 2 days later
 
There was one new years that I was out partying at the local park cuz everyone was underage at the time and two cop cars roll up and every starts booking it, well it was pouring rain that day and i had the great idea of trying to run across the feild. So about half way across one of my shoes got stuck in the mud and falls off but I keep running, about 20 feet later I lose the other shoe to a mud puddle. So here I am givin'er across a field shit faced with no shoes soaking wet when i finally make it across and trying and slow down to hide, but without my shoes on both my feet slip out from underneath me and i bail on my ass and back. Oh and that night I had gone out to some nice restaurant and was wearing a super nice white sweater and dress pants. When I finally got home me and my shoes both had a 1 inch layer of mud all over us....It sucked balls
 
decided to hit my boy up in boston then go to jay, left from hartford latenight shitfaced with a bottle of red to my right, snow was gettin deep for an interstate, then the plows screamed onto the highway from the entrance ramp, i was in the passing lane, but they were ahead, so i kinda hit the breaks, car started slipping, did a perfect 540 washing out left and missing the guardrail by inches with my brights at the oncoming traffic, then was polepushing from one lift to another on first run and ripped off ticket and couldnt find the stub, needless to say, skiing sober sux
 
i stole about 50 stop signs and hid them in the woods. one night, running down the street with a mailbox a cop fucking snipes me 3am i get caught /claim
 
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