Funniest thing you've ever heard a cop say

you either get arrested and have to go in front of a judge who will give you a fine and alcohol classes or probation or something, or you don't get shit, there's nothing about writing out tickets
 
i wish they had tickets, damn that woulda been sweet a year ago. i didnt get arrested but they let me go from where i was home with my rents, and then i got my summons and shit. all in all 3 months probation for being caught on school with a 30 in back of my truck at a football game haha
 
this happened to my buddy richie in grade 10 when he got caught shoplifting one day and in possession of an ounce the next

cop - have you ever been arrested before

richie - yeah yesterday

cop - you're a fuckin idiot

thats the way he tells it anyway
 
kids in my town were going 170 on the highway, slowed down to 115 and swerved and hit a tree. somehow, they all survived basically injury free. but one girl was having a seizure (shes fine now) and this girl goes up to the cop at the scene and is like "my friend is having a seizure, help her!" and he replies with, "do i look like a fucking paramedic?" and walked away

i know the kids were totally in the wrong for speeding and shit, but cmon, help a girl out if she's sick
 
I think one of the best stories iv ever heard was when my gradpa coming back from a wedding wene he was a little younger and was completly wasted and the cop pulls him over and new he was drunk so he got breathalized and blew over but he managed to convince them to come get drunk at his house and they did.

 
dunno if anyone posted it yet, but this wins for me.

"oh no the cops are here!!" - the two cops in superbad
 
well one time i was driving back home with my friends dad...and i didnt have a towel at the pool and someone gave me like this big robe...so he looks in the window stares at me for a sec...shakes his head and walks away...then comes back and asks for license and registration

hah probably dosent sound that funny you had to be there...
 
a couple nights ago we were at a party at my friends house and one of my friends is outside and takes a piss on my friends house who we are having that party at. Well the guy next door walks out and puts a gun to my friends head while taking a piss. My friend finishes up and is like holy shit what the fuck. The guy yells at him and says hes called the cops. My friend leaves and we go and talk to the cops. Ths cop goes, "well if i were that guy i'd stick a gun to your head also"

We were all like what the fuck man, you live in a college town, a college kid is taking a piss, not on your house, and its allright to creep up behind him and put a gun to his head?

and the cop was still like, "thats what i would have done"
 
2 years ago i was visiting my bro near ottawa and he had his snowboard in back of my car. we go to tim hortons and a cop pulls up behind us in drive thru. the cop followed up for about a mile then pulled us over. he asks us where were coming from, i told him well you were right behind us at tim hortons. he then shines his flashlight into the backseat and sees the snowboard and asks me so whats that snowboard for?

then bla bla bla he sent us on our way. he was a real fucken idiot
 
totally forgot about this. there were 4 of us in the car, all played football for our school. we get pulled over. we were speeding by however much, and 2 people didnt have seatbelts. the guy whos car it was bought it from someone else over a year ago, but somehow forgot to get it registered. also, he didnt have proof of insurance. the guy sees us (lettermans jacket, 2 football sweatshirts and a football t-shirt), asks if we all play football, and goes back to his car. comes back, lists all the shit he could get us for: a total of over $2000, plus he could take the driver away in cuffs (unregistered vehicle). then he says that he used to go to wilson (our high school), and that we had better start "kicking ass on the field" because he was starting to be embarrassed by our 1-2 record. and then let us go. oh, i forgot. he asked for identification from the 2 black guys, and left me and the other white guy alone
 
me: im not going to say anything untill i talk to a lawyer

cop: why would you need a lawyer, been watching to much tv?
 
This isn't something that a cop said, but it involves a cop and is hilarious...

We have a regional cop that patrols our high school an she was in my lunch this one day. My friend Brandon started to ask her about her taser...

Brandon- Hey, nice taser!

Cop- Thanks..

Brandon- Yeah, I've got one too. How many watts is yours?

Cop- 50,000

Brandon- Oh, word? Mines only 1,500... here I'll show you... (bends over and reaches into his bookbag)

The cop flipped out and drew her taser on him. He was brought to the office where he was almost arrested. It was hilariously epic.
 
my friend had a house party last weekend. i mean he has them pretty often, but this one got kinda big, 50-60 kids, the cop walk in thru the back door and goes "everyone run its the cops" he turned out to be pretty chill, but everyone was so scared kids were running every which way.
 
havent seen it yet, but i think he was trying to be funny by quoting the movie because the party was a week after the movie came out...this is the thread where you post funny things cops have said right?
 
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