Family Guy Quotes:

G

GroundControl

Member
To all who are fans..I think the show is as good-was as good when the Simpsons were decent (mid 3rd-4th-5th season). Anywho just thought Ide start another posting to get rid of the boredom.

Chris: Dad its mom!

Peter: God, Please be summerset mom please be summerset mom...hello?

Lois: Peter?

Peter: Damn!

Lois: I was just calling to check up on my boys, see how you were doing...

Peter: Uhhhh ye were fine...

Lois: Whats all that noise? ( to the party going on with the other owners of the house)

Peter: Uhhh nothing nothing...(takes out tape recorder and holds it up to the phone...Lois voice sounds off as the play button is pressed PETER I NEED YOU TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH)

Peter: Ok Lois.....Lois I gotta go!

Peter: Holy crap Brian what are we going to do, Lois is gonna be home in a couple of days and were getting kicked outa the house tommorow!

Brian: What do you suggest?

Peter: GET OUT YOUR RING!

Brian: Peter thats not going to help anything!

Peter: COMMON....WONDER TWIN POWERS ACTIVATE...FORM OF STEAM!

Brian: We got these rings in a box of Francenberries.

 
where peter and brian are going to that birthday place to check out stewies first birthday accomodations, and peter is retelling it to lois, to make it sound like the place was real shitty, and the convo goes like this

host - we have for flavors of icecream for the kids, strawberry, vanilla, chocolate and people

peter - wait what was that last one?

host - uh, chocolate

the dude says it hilarious... whatevas, we go

Bent Films

www.canonskiboards.com
 
family guy owns

___________________

Personaly I believe my short term memory has been affected but that is the main side effect and I also think maybe my short term memory has been affected.

Pimpin since Pimpin be Pimpin been Pimpin

 
(At the condominium sales pitch dealy after getting a note about a free boat in the mail)

Salesguy: Hello, Mr. and Mrs Griffin? Well I know youve been here all day so if you'll just sign this contract without reading, Ill take your blank check...and you wont not be not loving your timeshare before you know it.

Peter: Whoa look slick we're not going to buy your lousy timeshare alright? Now wheres my boat?

Salesguy: *haha* Hold on.... You have a choic, you can have the boat.......OR the mystery box....

Lois: What are you crazy? Well take the boat...

Peter...Naaaa not so fast Lois.... a boats a boat, but the mystery box could be anything....it could even be a boat...

Lois: Then lets just get the boat!

Peter: We'll take the mystery box!

 
Peter: Oh man guys Im screwed how am I going to come up with 50 thousand dollars by tommorow?

Quagmire: Well...You could whore yourself out to a thousand fat chicks for 50 bucks a piece....OR...OR...50 REALY fat chicks for 1000 bucks a piece.

*Everyone stares at Quagmire*

Quagmire: What don't look at me like that...Fat chicks need love too, but they gotta pay!

 
Judge: I sentence you (Peter) to 20 years in prison.

Peter: OH NO!

Lois: OH NO!

Chris: OH NO!

Daughter (i forget her name): OH NO!

Brian: OH NO!

Kool-Aid Guy breaks through the wall: OHHH YEEAAAHHHH!!! (then he slowly backs up)

the challenge is to be yourself in a world that is trying to make you like everyone else
 
Peter: Ok guys, we're playing Texas Holdem'

Ted Turner: Are Aces high or low?

Peter: They go both ways

Bill Gates: Haha, He said they go both ways

(Group) HAhahahahahaha

Ted: Like a Bisexual

Michael Eisner: Thank you Ted, that was the joke.

Western Canadian Separartist
 
Episode where they move down south... It goes something a little like this:

Lois: Let's go into town, I'm sure we'll find something we all like.

Peter: Okay, but first I gotta go to the bathroom

Brian: Uh Peter there's only an outhouse

Peter: (Inside the outhouse) Lois I don't get it its just a hole, It doesn't go anywhere.... Oh.. Oh.. oh god it definately doesn't go anywhere!

(Bird lands on the roof, and knocks the outhouse over)

Peter: OH MY GOD it's everywhere!... It's in my racoon wounds!

I could list everything from that episeode. It's the funniest 1/2 hour of television... ever!

No Mr.Porcupine, I don't wanna see your weiner
 
Also:

Newscaster: 'Now to the black weather forecast...'

Weatherman: 'It's go'n rain!'

No Mr.Porcupine, I don't wanna see your weiner
 
when hes like haha, your names peter, to peter

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If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my wookie
 
Quagmire: what'soin on guys? i was just jer....king out of a sound sleep.

and the one where peter is in the mental home and they ask his name.. 'pea....tear....griffin!!'

haha

bitches dig stitches
 
Oh god that blacky weather forecast one is fucking hillarious....

*Gumbel to Gumbel Beach justice*

In the interrogating room:

Matt Gumbel: Purse snatching...societys fault or one mans cry for help?

Theif: What are you talking about I wanted her freaking money!!

Gumbel: Uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh....uh huh.....uh huh.....uh huh.

 
Stuey is the best character ever! The one where death comes is the greatest episode.

Best quote...

Some italian guy at a 'pet store'.

Italian guy #1: i would like a rabbit please.

Italian guy #2: A automoatic rabbit or a semiautomatic rabbit?

hahahahah

 
oh fuck, i know anson will get in on this!

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Official Co-leader of the Communist party of Newschoolers

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Official Benditto Hater Of NewSchoolers

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Work Pays off later, Laziness pays off now :D

If you cant say Fu** at least 10 times in one sentence, you must not really be upset.

Im Scared

When your going big mountain, off da cliffs, you gotta briing your first aid, your shovel, your water, your food, your helmet, your radio, all your safety gear, cuz diing aint livin man

Doug- FUck, that kid had no style, he wasnt even as high as my left testicle.

Travis- Yo man, i gotta go take a shit.

Ryan- Oh yeah, i dominated one this morning :P.
 
Peter: am i supposed to conduct with my penis?

and when he finally pees by himself..

family guys the shit but i can't remember any of it

Smoking pot leads to uhh... I forget.

'What time is it?.. Saturday?
 
ahah family guy rocks!!

Daughter-O my god its the Hanson brothers!

Peter-O my god its the kids of corn!!(pulls out shotgun) ahahah

 
Yes the black weather forcast quote is the funniest. Season 1 of Family Guy is coming out on DVD in a couple weeks!

________________________

Andrew

Like warm butter on your breakfast toast

*Proud member of Newschoolers for Peace*
 
The Banned Jewish eppisode

peter- optimus prime is jewish? *optimus prime comes into the cynagogue and puts on a yamakah,

Peter-Jews are great at everything math, lawyering, accounting, everything except physical labout

Lois-PETER! thats not true, they built the pyramids.

Hitler-Today on hitler we'll be talking with Hollywood hunk Chritian Slader! now tell me, in your next movie do we get to see your but?

Christian-yes, uh yes you do

Hitler-can we see it now

C- alright Hitler

hitler- OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO DO IT!

Quagmire- Let's blow this sausage fest and hit the international house of tail

Clevland- Wow peter, your just like white version of a black guy who can't manage his money

'if you're in the mafia and they scratch your ass, but you don't scratch their ass back, THEY'LL FUCKING WACK YOU!'-This kid explain why this girl should let him touch her ass,
 
Chris: Dad? Whats the blowhole for?

Peter: I'll tell you what its not for son, and when I do you'll understand why I can never go back to sea world.

I've been downloading family guy episodes. I've gotten like 5 so far.

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
 
when peter is faking as somebody else in that nursing home type thing.

nurse person:sir, what is your name?

peter thinking quickly spots a pea left on somebody's plate, responds :pea...

he then sees a woman crying: tear

just then a griffin bird flies by: griffin!.. PETER GRIFFIN!

you can't touch me, nobody has that right.

NS Ogre Crew
 
Lois: Peter why are we stopped?

Peter: Um ya Ill have 3 cheeseburgers.

Lois: For God's sake Peter shes having a baby.

Peter: Oh ya thats right...and a kids meal....and uhhhh I guess Ill have fries.....If I have fries is anyone else going to have any? Cuz you know...I dont wanna be the only one eating them...I'll feel like a fatty.

 
(After delivering Carols baby)

Peter: Oh my god its a beautiful baby girl!

Carol: Oh a baby girl...

Peter: But she has a PENIS...we'll have to do something about that!

 
quagmire- hey baby, how old are you?

girl- 16

quagmire- 18!?

girl- mom!

quagmire- i like where this is going

________________________

Big Gulps eh? Well cya later

anal sex is unnatural wheres progression with that - bibskis

A proud memeber of the NS.com Cousin Exchange Program
 
diane - '.. and let is also be noted that she consumed a record amount of semen'

tom - 'thats one hell of a hurricane diane'

and the one with the handicapped olympics, the long jump is sweet, when they just haul ass and hit a board and fly out the chair,

Bob: i want Jon's autograph

me: i will see what i can do

Bob: u grab the swedish bastard by the ears and tell him bob dake wants his autograph and hand him my card
 
Quagmiere: Hey Hey Brian, What's with the Johnny Law routine.

Joe: Say hello to our newest nark, he's a natural

Quagmiere: Oh yeah? How, How good are ya?

Brian: *Sniffing* You're back from Manila, you had lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two phillapino women, *sniff sniff*, and a man.

Quagmiere: You mean three phillapino women (Staring blankly)

Brian: (Stares back)

Quagmieire: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Western Canadian Separartist
 
Tom: 'Because of an accident at the Qualhog Cable Company all the television transmission will be out for an undetermined time.'

Tom: 'Of course no one can see this news program...so it doesn't really matter what we say...I'm the Lord Jesus Christ. I think I'll go get drunk and beat up some midgets. How about you Diane?'

Diane: 'Well Tom I just plain don't like black people...hahahaha...'

Techie: 'You guys we are still on in Boston...'

 
'The life of the wife is ended by the knife.'

Stuey: 'Let's hope Osama Bin Laden doesn't know show tunes...'

Osama: 'God, I hope i get it! I hope I get it! How many people does he need, how many boys how many girls...'

'It looks like the Griffin boys are gonna have to grow a pair of wings, or start flappin' thir arms real fast...'

Nigel: 'It appears I'm one of thos slimy British bastards you're talking about, bit of an awkward moment really.'

Peter: 'Awkward moment, I'll give you and awkward moment. One time during sex, I called Lois, Frank.'

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Official Leader of the Communist Party of Newschoolers

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Official Benditto Hater

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Whoow! You know you can't bring that weak ass stuff up in this hompybompy! You kill the joe, you make some moe! You know that baby! Else you in for a long day, a looong day, 'cause Triple T's in this BIIITCH!

 
i don't have any special quotes...but that was a damn great show...i wanna get the first season on DVD really bad...but it's like $50.

clamin duece 8 since 3/2003...fo sho
 
Quagmire crashes car, and inflatable woman come out as air bags, pussy to face:

Quagmire: 'Heh heh, awallllllll riiight.'

Its not winning or loosing that matters, its making fun of the fat kid that comes in last.

You can call me Bob........M.D.
 
after recieving a massive welfare cheque:

Peter:I'm taking you guys out for the best meal of your life

Switches scenes to fastfood

Peter:Yes I would like two thousand chicken vajitas...

You don't know shit about fuck, my man-Robin Williams
 
right after giving peter $50 thousand the jim's bank manager goes through a door into jim's tatto parlor.

jim: so, what do you want on your thigh

Customer: i want a skull

jim: how about a nice kermit the frog

Customer: no i want a skull

jim: well i can draw a kermit the frog how about a nice kermit the frog

Customer: no i want a skull!

jim: ok im going to go ahead and do a kermit the frog.

deuce8 since 3/2003

 
Stewie: Perhaps I can move myself to Californ-I-A and wrangle me a threesome with the Olsen twins.

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
 
I like where the son is identifying a guy from a lineup who just robbed a store, and Peter walks in and gives him the ID with a class schedule and a list of his fears, hahaha.

We have an old saying down on the bayou....Blehhhhh!!!
 
Robber: This is a hold up! Open the register!

Salesguy: I cant it only opens we it makes a sale.

Robber: Allright then give me one of them horroscope scrolls...and some skittles...(reading) Financial transaction benefits you today...?

Salesguy: WEIRD!

 
wait, so can the family understand the baby or not? thats always bugged me.



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-Nell Cop

 
Chris: (when hearing the name of Brown university) BROWN'S THE COLOR OF POOP! HAHAHAHA!

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''...ride away clean and smiling, and taunt the rail by waving around your middle finger at it. (Note: if you have mittens on then it's important to take them off before preforming this procedure.'' -Boyd Easley (on rail sliding)
 
Doctor: Well Rudolf we finally figured out what makes your nose red.

Rudolf: Is it pixie dust or leprachaun tails?

Doctor: No its a tumor.

Rudolf: You mean like a magical christmas tumor?

Doctor: No a malignant tumor, the base of which is lodged deep within your brain.

Rudolf: Oh....Like a happy special....

Doctor: Your going to die!

 
god watches me do number 2? if im a sinner then gods a pervert

________________________

Big Gulps eh? Well cya later

anal sex is unnatural wheres progression with that - bibskis

A proud memeber of the NS.com Cousin Exchange Program
 
Father Sapienza: yo, god is good uh? And he expects us to be good, and if you're not, he's gonna come down, and bust you're freaking skulls, amen.

Western Canadian Separartist
 
Peter: Excuse me New Yorker, I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.

Lois: Peter are you crazy?!

New Yorker: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Peter: Oh? about the seat? Or about me plowing your father's wife?

Western Canadian Separartist
 
Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you....very homosexually.

Western Canadian Separartist
 
Black Knight: Hey whats your fat ass doing here?

Jester: Hes my only means of conveyance, but I guess I do spoil him.

Black Knight: Clearly you do..

 
ya that show rocks. stuey is the best for sure. the teething one is really funny. oh ya... my dad's name is actually peter griffin...no joke.

some cougar at jozo's-

'what do i have to do to get your friend to come home with me'
 
Stewie looking at himself in the mirror: I am the token Fattie of cheersquad! (he runs to the toilet and throws up)

Quagmire(looking at inflatable doll with lois's face on it): Theres your hair lois, all you need now is some teeth and we're ready for our date!

'if you're in the mafia and they scratch your ass, but you don't scratch their ass back, THEY'LL FUCKING WACK YOU!'-This kid explain why this girl should let him touch her ass,
 
Chris: When I got caught at school with my hand down my pants I had to keep it there for a whole week. WHAT A WEEK!

My girlfriend told me to shove my skis up my ass
 
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