F.U.Q.

my sister got drunk this weekend and was stumbling at a party and my moms freind goes up to her the day after and says "you were walking last night like i used to walk when i used to be on acid" hes like 60.
 
I got some

One was one of my friends at lacrosse camp. He was going one on one with this kid and before he did his move, he yelled "THE RUSTY ORESMEN!!" so the defender just started laughing his ass off and my friend just ran by and scored.

Also at the end of the school year, my brother in class leans back in his chair, yawns and say "ahhh.. this class is fucking boring.." in a regular tone of voice.

 
on the golf course stoned

"thats in the cup!"

"why would you say that, were like 150 yards away and its getting dark"

"if i cant see it in the air, its in the cup"

"youre a glass half full guy arent ya?"
 
"guns dont kill people. stupid mothafuckas wit guns kill people!" -chris tucker in some movie i dont remember the name
 
That's the reason my parents had sex. They didn't love each other, they only wanted expert offspring like me...
 
I was blazing with my friend who had dreadlocks at the time...

"Dude, your dreads are sucking up the smoke..."

"Yeah man, they love to blaze too."

It was hilarious at the time.
 
Ahahahaha....

As we blazed behind this building in a park (we also ate a couple pot brownies beforehand), my friend turns to me and says, "I feel like those dudes in Dazed and Confused..."
 
i was with one of my friends and after smokin five joints the cops roll up and my friends like " fuck yeah. at least they can't steal our bud." it made me happy.
 
'yeah, she is such a nerd. Oh hey, I bought the lord of the rings elvish dictionary the other day.'

'at school, I'm known as the guy whos really, really chill.'--my friend after bonnaroo, minus many brain cells.

'I'm on fire!'--same friend as quote number one, after lighting a flaming shot of everclear and then spilling it on his hand. he then proceeeded to dance like trance music was playing in order to put it out.
 
omg today at like 5:30 in the morning some dude came into mcdonalds stoned as fuck and nobody was at the till to take his order so i just told him to chill out. he was like "no man dont worry i know how to do this shit" iw as like no man you cant. next thing you know he was behind the counter ringing in his own order. he did it perfectly too, it was fucking crazy!!! jokes.
 
so i was watching the first Lord Of The Rings movie with my dad, and about half way through he says (completely seriously): "This can't be a true story"

i found out later that he likes movies that are true stories and somehow got it into his head that lord of the rings was a true story
 
ok, alright, this wasn't my quote but i went to the fireworks with some friends the other night and we were walking back home... anyways this drunk kid crosses our path and was talking on his cell phone apparently tryin to find his buddy and all i heard was , "ok, so..uhh.. are you wearing clothes?"

and i very nearly shit my pants laughing.
 
A bunch of us were drinking and there was this girl sitting behind me in a papazan chair and i heard this noise of like water hitting the floor or something. so i turned around and asked if she just puked and she said no. so 10 seconds later i hear the noise again and i turn around and look at her and ask her you just puked didnt you. now shes completely covered in watery puke and knows that i could see it and yet responds to me "NO" i started cracking up cause she was covered in puke yet she still tried to deny it.
 
me: what time you gotta be home?

mat: like nine or nine thirty

me: stay till like 2 A.M.

mat: and get 3 hours of work?

me: don't be a pussy

mat: you get a job

me: i have one

mat: well...GET ANOTHER ONE
 
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