F.U.Q.

Mark: Travis are you wearing the dirty shit stained boxers you were telling me about yesterday?

Travis: Yea but i checked em, it was just sweat.

Mark: You can't sweat poop!

we were on mushrooms, it was fuckin hilarious
 
"you can hand pack more in a pint than a machine can"

"i only put in $20 of gas at a time, because i dont want my tank to over flow" (he didnt know it automatically shut off when it was full)

"is st. Patricks day irish?"

my dumb ass friend wyatt
 
this kid was riding back from a party all shit faced and the kids had to sit on each others laps.

the kid on the bottom said "dude get off you're starting to give me a boner!" weird shit.
 
Gus: a queef is actually two noises. First its a pfffft, then a clap. Like *pfft-CLAP*

Hank: I dont care what it sounds like dude, i just wanna hear one.

That was like a 2 hour conversation about what it actually sounds like, and none of them got it right, they were all hammered.
 
Haha last night cops showed up at the party and we were all trashed. We were all sitting around the fire and they just came over and watched us for a few minutes.

"What's with the guys in the hats?"

"Dude I've seen those hats before... SUPER TROOPERS" It was Vermont state troopers.

Then my idiot friend.

"You guys arn't real cops... you're fuckin strippers"

Cop: "You wish"

It all worked out cuz they got a good laugh ID 2 people, the only 2 21 year olds there. then talked to the girls mom and bounced.
 
we were mega baked one time and my buddy was like "dude the ninja turtles are suck fucking stoners. sittin down in their sewers token it up and ordering pizza. and then theyre like anchovies man nooooooooooo."
 
we went to 1408 and my buddy was toking it and kept blowing his smoke into the back of my head/shirt, and i was like "dude i wreak, i gotta go in like 5 minutes how and i cant come home smelling like this" and his response was, "hey joey (driver) take us to mcdonalds, i'll buy some fries and rub them all over pavel to make him smell better"

seriously...wtf
 
if this thread is still around in August i'll have a bunch of them from my buddy. when he gets drunk all he does is talk about the most random stuff that doesn't make any sense. it's hysterical.
 
we aoften try to convince grls that this kid, Andy, has a huggeee cock, and proceed to make a bunch of descriptions that can come out rediculously funny when drunk. One that came out was ..

"I walked into the shower after gym class, and I noticed a new kid. He was kinda ugly but whatever. I then came to the realization thatit was in fact andys cock." It was obviously all in the delivery, but funny nonetheless.
 
I was smoking with some friends after work the other day, and as we were finishing up the post-bowl cigarettes two cops showed up. Cops find one kid's 300$ double bubbler. Another one of my friends, rocking long curly hair, a tied-eyed shirt, and birkenstocks, puts his face to his hands and wails "Nooo... that was my friend..." At the time I couldn't have laughed harder. In text it seems kind of lame but I spent the time writing it so... word.
 
"Keys... check, wallet... check, phone... check, dignity... dignity... not a fucking clue" My friend after a really rough party.
 
i went to go see elf in theatre with some friends, one of whom was stoned. a part where santa throws is brown bag of toys down a chimney, and upon seeing the bag, my friend yells "OH MY GOD IT'S A LOAF OF BREAD!!!!!"
 
1: i was doing shotput in pe and this stupid blonde pick up the shotput and goes:"CAN YOU BELIVE THIS 10 POULD LEAD BALL COULD BREAK A WINDOW?"

2:

me:"SO RENE, DO YOU HAVE A 6 PACK?"

rene:"OF WHAT?"

me:".....ABBS."

rene:"I THAUGHT DRUGS WEREN'T ALLOWED IN SCHOOL"

 
My friend Lunchbox to Hank: "Hey Hank you know how i know youre gay? Youre smoking a clove in a flannel shirt!"
 
one time after me and some buddies smoked we were all chillin in the dark in this kids room and all the sudden one kid held a lighter up to his face and screamed "ETERNAL BLISS!" and then hucked one those huge excersise balls at us. from there it turned into a bunch of kids screaming ETERNAL BLISS and hucking the ball all around the room. we ended up waking up the kids dad and he nearly beat the shit of him
 
my buddy and i were at a party and he got this girl's numebre and then we were talking on msn, and he said he called and they were gonna bone this saturday. i said:

"fuck, fucker, fuck you! how is it soooooo easy for you?"

"i dunno man, i was like attack!!! and i attacked."

thought that was too good to pass up so it goes here.
 
fine

"dude, stop touching my ponytail, i worked this thing hard, i mean i hard worked..."

this was from a guy, and he was drunk
 
"...thats why i like drinking and driving, it turns an open 4 lane highway into an obstacle course."

-anonymous
 
I was at this party one time and we were all pretty faded. So we were standing outside smoking then we came back inside. Well while we were outside some girls came, and so when we walked back inside this guy comes up and yells,"When did the Myspace Momma's get here?"I thought it was the funniest thing ever at the time
 
a friend of mine was stunned to find out that a bow & arrow were two seperate things. she though it was just "bowanarrow"
 
Went to drive-thru yesterday after a few bowls and my friend does this

mad intimidating Eastern European accent, so we pull up to the

speaker...

Hi, can I take your order?

Bitch, make me a motherfucking sandwich.

... What kind of sandwich, sir?

Listen bitch, don't you ever fucking sass me again.

[Silence] I'm sorry?

Do you think I'm fucking kidding, bitch? Make me a goddamn sandwich.

[Manager] I'm sorry sir, but you can pull ahead. We don't serve customers who treat our employees like that.

You won't be fucking serving anyone when I steal all of your hamburgers. You want to serve McChicken? Fuck that, I'll steal those, too.

They stopped responding after that even though I know they heard it, but I thought it was amusing.

 
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