Critique my college essay! (It's about skiing)

[Slush]

Heyo, if you guys could give my college essay a read an tell me what you think, I'd appreciate it! I know it's kinda "gaper speak", but it has to be for someone who could possibly know nothing about skiing!

Any improvements, compliments, or suggestions are appreciated!

The cold winter air blows against my jacket; Soft white snow crunches beneath my skis and the world stands still as I stare at the end of a black metal rail. I think to myself, "I can do this... I can do this..." As I go through the motions for the fiftieth time, I feel like this is what I've been waiting for: ever since the first day I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park, ever since I got my first pair of twin tipped skis, ever since I decided that I was going to be a park skier. I click my poles, push off, and get ready to hit my very first rail. Freestyle skiing has always been a big part of who I am. It's the reason I love winter, the cold, and the snow. As fall comes to an end and temperatures begin to drop, I've already spent countless hours training in my backyard. Before I even hit the slopes, I've practiced every flip, every spin, and every rail trick I plan on mastering on snow. A big wooden structure in my backyard covered in AstroTurf allows me to hit rails all year long, and an old trampoline helps me get enough air to dial down any rotation. Once winter comes, the real fun begins. I make an effort to ski as many times as possible, since snow only comes for a few short months. Pushing myself constantly, I ski the inside and outside the terrain park. Being a well-rounded skier makes challenges easier to take on, be it a flip or a double black diamond. Skiing through the woods believe it or not can help you feel more comfortable on rails, and fine tuning mogul skills can help you with jump takeoffs. I don't spend all of my time in the terrain park, so I try to make the mountain my playground. Whether it's shredding through the trees, or boosting off of a mogul, challenging myself is my favorite part of skiing. I enjoy a double black diamond as much as I enjoy learning to 540. There is always something to learn, somewhere to improve. Every time I go, I learn something different. Skiing has, is, and always will be, an incredible adventure that I will pursue till the day I die.

 

[iFlip]

Honestly, that is terrible. The idea is poorly executed, the grammar is horrendous, and it does not provide any motivation for them to offer you admittance. Delete it entirely and start from scratch. This is my (semi) professional opinion.

 

[JGWI]

If you would upload the rubric or give me an idea of what the assignment is about I could probably help you a bit more. Grammar really shouldn't be a focus at the moment as there are some deeper things that need to be worked on.

 

[Slush]

Honestly, that is terrible. The idea is poorly executed, the grammar is horrendous, and it does not provide any motivation for them to offer you admittance. Delete it entirely and start from scratch. This is my (semi) professional opinion.

Shit son, guess I got a bit of work to do

 

[boppin]

Maybe you should go back to high school OP. Don't use semi colons and you don't use commas every four words

 

[Slush]

Maybe you should go back to high school OP. Don't use semi colons and you don't use commas every four words

I had a teacher look at this and he corrected it

 

[foolmetwice]

Which prompt is it for?

 

[Slush]

Which prompt is it for?

The prompt is something along the lines of

"Some applicants feel that there is something about them that their application would be incomplete without. Tell us about a passion, hobby, event, ect. that tells us about you"

 

[GregFlik]

Hommie, write what a college wants to hear. Write how one of their alumni inspired you. But seriously, you are writing the prompt like it is some kind of English assignment. It doesn't show any of your traits. Make it more focused on you with skiing being a catalyst. Don't be scared to sound super self-centered (You are supposed to be, its an essay about you).

Also, have a damn thesaurus next to you, it will make you sound less like a broken record, and more refined to the point of almost a freshmen in college.

 

[Dadcore]

Yo for college essay tell a story not an overview (IDK how much experience you have doing so). E.g that rail should/could become a story. One option or route I would take if it were me applying and writing an essay about skiing would be write about hiking said rail and how you're willing to do that insanely tedious and frankly shitty work because it's something you love and that would apply to you at (insert major) in college

 

[DBack1321]

Given that prompt, you can do it about skiing, but gear it more towards what the school wants to hear. They most likely don't give two shits you ski, but they do care about a strong work ethic. You don't learn how to be a good skier by not working hard at it. Now go!

 

[deleted5]

Honestly, that is terrible. The idea is poorly executed, the grammar is horrendous, and it does not provide any motivation for them to offer you admittance. Delete it entirely and start from scratch. This is my (semi) professional opinion.

Didn't read the op, and didn't read anything else in this thread but I knew this was going to be the response.

 

[frosted_flakes]

Yo for college essay tell a story not an overview (IDK how much experience you have doing so). E.g that rail should/could become a story. One option or route I would take if it were me applying and writing an essay about skiing would be write about hiking said rail and how you're willing to do that insanely tedious and frankly shitty work because it's something you love and that would apply to you at (insert major) in college

To expand on this advice, make the story anecdotal and point to other applications of the underlying message in your life.

For example: Your commitment to skiing has taught you resilience and persistence. Tell the ski story a bit and shift to another way this trait has helped you, like finding a job after originally failing to, or not getting discouraged after struggling in a class, it honestly doesn't even have to be true.

Tell how you realize there are many aspects of skiing and how that has taught you the importance of being well rounded in your life. Then expand on how you are well rounded.

Finally, get rid of all the slang, literally all of it. "boost" "hit" "shred" are all horrible words to use for a college essay.

As it stands, your essay says that you like to ski, that's it. Needs to tell who you are and how skiing has influenced that. Hope this helps.

 

[cobra_commander]

Writing a college admission essay about skiing is fucking stupid and no one should do it.

It will either come across as something that you don't really care about and is forced, or they will figure you really do care about skiing and will likely skip a lot of classes to go skiing and potentially drop out and they won't accept you.

Also, wind blowing through jacket is the name for and Indian who likes shitty goretex, not anything poetic or worth writing about.

This sucks, try again and don't pick skiing as a subject matter. In fact, never try and impress anyone by writing about skiing again. Its a shitty fucking subject to write about unless your life goal is to be one of the (terrible) writers who fill up ski mags with words so the editor doesn't have to pay for as many pictures to get 'X' pages.

 

[Old_Greg]

Be more original and write about weed

 

[zard_gawd]

Writing about doing something you love is very important, as it will tell the admissions counselor a lot about you. The one issue I have with your essay is that all I learn is that you like to ski. Place yourselves in the shoes of the counselor, what about you makes you a valuable contribution to the college. I would consider adding something skiing has taught you that you can take and use around campus. For example, skiing may have taught you perseverance, which translates to your work in the classroom. Or it may have taught you how to make friends, which means that you work well with different kinds of people when working in a group.

I did think your writing was pretty good though, you speak very powerfully which makes an interesting essay. I would also send a copy to your english teacher, they'll point out every possible error in grammar/spelling/word choice.

 

[Turner.]

Plenty of bullshit in this thread. OP you're probably smart enough to sift through. I think you do a decent job of showing how skiing has taught you certain skills (dedication, willingness to improve, etc.) and I think that the registrar, or whoever's gonna read this, will be able to see what you're getting at. And given the prompt, I think it's cool that you chose being a park skier as, like, the thing people should know about you. At some point in your life you might look at that and say "hm, maybe that's a corny answer," but I don't know, I say keep the spirit alive.

One critique is that you say "I decided that I was going to be a park skier" at the start and then go on to discuss skiing on all aspects of the mountain. That's good, it shows you're well-rounded, but I think you need to change the line where you say you decided to be a park skier, because otherwise it's contradictory. You feel? A second is that I think you should round this thing out by coming back to your initial story about hitting the rail. As it is now, it just kind of hangs there and we don't know how it went when you hit your "very first rail." I need closure. Aight, word, good luck.

 

[*TURBONERD*]

Plenty of bullshit in this thread. OP you're probably smart enough to sift through. I think you do a decent job of showing how skiing has taught you certain skills (dedication, willingness to improve, etc.) and I think that the registrar, or whoever's gonna read this, will be able to see what you're getting at. And given the prompt, I think it's cool that you chose being a park skier as, like, the thing people should know about you. At some point in your life you might look at that and say "hm, maybe that's a corny answer," but I don't know, I say keep the spirit alive.

One critique is that you say "I decided that I was going to be a park skier" at the start and then go on to discuss skiing on all aspects of the mountain. That's good, it shows you're well-rounded, but I think you need to change the line where you say you decided to be a park skier, because otherwise it's contradictory. You feel? A second is that I think you should round this thing out by coming back to your initial story about hitting the rail. As it is now, it just kind of hangs there and we don't know how it went when you hit your "very first rail." I need closure. Aight, word, good luck.

This sums things up. Consistency in terms of mentioning "being a park skier" might be better maintained by changing it to "being a freeskier" and defining that term, and closure is key. There are also a few grammatical errors/typos that your teacher missed that I can come back and point out later if you want, but I've got to get to class now.

 

[integralmgmt]

I had a teacher look at this and he corrected it

If this is the corrected version, that's scary.

 

[SFB]

this might be acceptable for a low level highschool creative writing class.

 

[dylgoz23]

This seems more like a creative writing piece. You should bring this to your english lit teacher as there are incredible grammatical mistakes.

 

[fatmilf]

If you are going to write about skiing, you may need to dumb it down even more. Saying you enjoy "doing a 540" doesn't make sense to a lot of people. Maybe just keep it about skiing in general and write about how much dedication, motivation, etc. you have. There were also many errors and it just didn't make you sound that great.

 

[Bogs]

Don't use semi colons and you don't use commas every four words

Don't listen to this, op, your comma use is more or less fine. Obviously still a few mistakes, but you aren't overusing commas by any means.

lol at all the hate about writing about skiing, i wrote about skiing and got into my schools(top 10 schools).

I doubt that writing about skiing is what got you into those schools. Obviously it's not going to make or break you, especially for a "tell us more about yourself" type of prompt, but there are probably better things for op to write about.

OP: Is this really the most important thing about yourself that you want the school to know that isn't in some other part of your application? Because I think that's what this essay should be about. If it is, then great, keep going, but if not, then you might want to consider switching topics.

 

[Brue]

Heyo, if you guys could give my college essay a read an tell me what you think, I'd appreciate it! I know it's kinda "gaper speak", but it has to be for someone who could possibly know nothing about skiing!

Any improvements, compliments, or suggestions are appreciated!

The cold winter air blows against my jacket; Soft white snow crunches beneath my skis and the world stands still as I stare at the end of a black metal rail. I think to myself, "I can do this... I can do this..." As I go through the motions for the fiftieth time, I feel like this is what I've been waiting for: ever since the first day I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park, ever since I got my first pair of twin tipped skis, ever since I decided that I was going to be a park skier. I click my poles, push off, and get ready to hit my very first rail. Freestyle skiing has always been a big part of who I am. It's the reason I love winter, the cold, and the snow. As fall comes to an end and temperatures begin to drop, I've already spent countless hours training in my backyard. Before I even hit the slopes, I've practiced every flip, every spin, and every rail trick I plan on mastering on snow. A big wooden structure in my backyard covered in AstroTurf allows me to hit rails all year long, and an old trampoline helps me get enough air to dial down any rotation. Once winter comes, the real fun begins. I make an effort to ski as many times as possible, since snow only comes for a few short months. Pushing myself constantly, I ski the inside and outside the terrain park. Being a well-rounded skier makes challenges easier to take on, be it a flip or a double black diamond. Skiing through the woods believe it or not can help you feel more comfortable on rails, and fine tuning mogul skills can help you with jump takeoffs. I don't spend all of my time in the terrain park, so I try to make the mountain my playground. Whether it's shredding through the trees, or boosting off of a mogul, challenging myself is my favorite part of skiing. I enjoy a double black diamond as much as I enjoy learning to 540. There is always something to learn, somewhere to improve. Every time I go, I learn something different. Skiing has, is, and always will be, an incredible adventure that I will pursue till the day I die.

I wrote my college essay on skiing and this one is pretty good. I think you have good substance within the essay, as well as the grammar being good. Whoever said the grammar is bad is not used to complex sentence structure or just finished smoking some devil's lettuce. I think skiing/passion based essays make a person stand out from the typical person. The intro is solid, because colleges don't want a boring thesis statement like every other kid right off the bat. One thing I think that might make the essay more understandable for those not into skiing, are paragraphs on why you love skiing, the difference between skiing (park/all mountain + skiing vs other sports), then finally what you have learned from skiing. Thats just a suggestion, but write it anyway you want. I feel the essay is better than average, but for someone who does not ski, a little confusing. Good job!!!!

 

[boppin]

Don't listen to this, op, your comma use is more or less fine. Obviously still a few mistakes, but you aren't overusing commas by any means.

I doubt that writing about skiing is what got you into those schools. Obviously it's not going to make or break you, especially for a "tell us more about yourself" type of prompt, but there are probably better things for op to write about.

OP: Is this really the most important thing about yourself that you want the school to know that isn't in some other part of your application? Because I think that's what this essay should be about. If it is, then great, keep going, but if not, then you might want to consider switching topics.

Don't listen to him, op, he doesn't know, how to write, properly.

So many commas, just make you sound, asthmatic.

 

[Brue]

This seems more like a creative writing piece. You should bring this to your english lit teacher as there are incredible grammatical mistakes.

College essays aren't suppose to be like a systematic essay. They are suppose to express the person. As long as words are spelt correctly, shifting grammar can convey his points differently than the other thousands of applications colleges receive.

 

[Slush]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Your feedback has really given me insight as to what needs to be changed with my essay. Seriously, even if you said my essay was shit, you helped... kinda tough to hear but sometimes you just have to hear that stuff

 

[JGWI]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Your feedback has really given me insight as to what needs to be changed with my essay. Seriously, even if you said my essay was shit, you helped... kinda tough to hear but sometimes you just have to hear that stuff

You can pm me a Google Docs link if you want a review later on in the process.

 

[Bogs]

Don't listen to him, op, he doesn't know, how to write, properly.

So many commas, just make you sound, asthmatic.

They also make your writing grammatically correct, you doughnut.

Trust me, op, comma usage should be pretty low down on your list of concerns. This guy is clearly an idiot.

 

[Sno.]

The cold winter air blows against my jacket; Soft white snow crunches beneath my skis and the world stands still as I stare at the end of a black metal rail. I think to myself, "I can do this... I can do this..." As I go through the motions for the fiftieth time, I feel like this is what I've been waiting for: ever since the first day I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park, ever since I got my first pair of twin tipped skis, ever since I decided that I was going to be a park skier.

Your punctuation needs quite a bit of work, OP.

 

[SamtheEagle]

Punctuation needs a fair bit of work. Sentence structure is ok but you have some longgggg sentences in there with a lot of punctuation. Try reading it aloud to yourself and seeing any place you trip up and if so, change it. I would also try using more advanced adjectives or at least some smilies when describing things.

 

[KingGeedorah]

You didn't save any refugees in that essay. Nor did you have to tell your parents that you were gay, black, and transgender. College admissions review: 0/10.

But seriously, that wasn't great. How many essays do you think admissions people read about getting ready to take a penalty kick, scoring a goal, or any other thing to do with getting nervous and rising to the challenge, or whatever. Try to think of an essay that would stand out, even if there's absolutely nothing interesting about you. Try your best to catch their attention within the first sentence or two. A lot of good college essays are funny too, try to pepper in some humor if you can. Lastly, it's an essay about you, but try not to sound self-centered. Avoid using "I" so often. It might be difficult to avoid, but you'll have more varied sentence structures as a result.

Also, read it aloud to yourself and you'll catch errors like, "I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park.

 

[Casey]

You didn't save any refugees in that essay. Nor did you have to tell your parents that you were gay, black, and transgender. College admissions review: 0/10.

But seriously, that wasn't great. How many essays do you think admissions people read about getting ready to take a penalty kick, scoring a goal, or any other thing to do with getting nervous and rising to the challenge, or whatever. Try to think of an essay that would stand out, even if there's absolutely nothing interesting about you. Try your best to catch their attention within the first sentence or two. A lot of good college essays are funny too, try to pepper in some humor if you can. Lastly, it's an essay about you, but try not to sound self-centered. Avoid using "I" so often. It might be difficult to avoid, but you'll have more varied sentence structures as a result.

Also, read it aloud to yourself and you'll catch errors like, "I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park.

The worst part about this one is that it begins as being in the moment "the world stands still" ... right before he's about to hit a rail or something, and then he starts rambling on about the importance of skiing outside the park and practicing in your backyard.

 

[Sno.]

"Skiing through the woods believe it or not."

For whatever reason this made my husband and I completely lose it.

As a serious tip, OP, you mention skiing through the trees and hitting moguls twice in a row--seems repetitive.

 

[omIV]

This isn't accessible to the average essay reader. You make a lot of references which he/she won't understand, and which you don't want to spend time explaining. I would suggest thinking about another topic, or at least another way of approaching this one.

 

[doot]

Try putting your whole thing about being well-rounded before the rail, so you're basically saying how it's leading up to the rail. Then talk about the rail either taught you to take risks or that you can accomplish anything, and bam, you're done. I have my essay if you want to see how it's structured

 

[arnie_grape]

pro tip: people who don't ski don't give a fuck about skiing

 

[Rennis_Deynolds]

I[/i]

m[/i]

ga[/i]

y[/i]

pretty much sums it up

 

[californiagrown]

Heyo, if you guys could give my college essay a read an tell me what you think, I'd appreciate it! I know it's kinda "gaper speak", but it has to be for someone who could possibly know nothing about skiing!

Any improvements, compliments, or suggestions are appreciated!

The cold winter air blows against my jacket; Soft white snow crunches beneath my skis and the world stands still as I stare at the end of a black metal rail. I think to myself, "I can do this... I can do this..." As I go through the motions for the fiftieth time, I feel like this is what I've been waiting for: ever since the first day I saw someone throw down in at my local mountain's terrain park, ever since I got my first pair of twin tipped skis, ever since I decided that I was going to be a park skier. I click my poles, push off, and get ready to hit my very first rail. Freestyle skiing has always been a big part of who I am. It's the reason I love winter, the cold, and the snow. As fall comes to an end and temperatures begin to drop, I've already spent countless hours training in my backyard. Before I even hit the slopes, I've practiced every flip, every spin, and every rail trick I plan on mastering on snow. A big wooden structure in my backyard covered in AstroTurf allows me to hit rails all year long, and an old trampoline helps me get enough air to dial down any rotation. Once winter comes, the real fun begins. I make an effort to ski as many times as possible, since snow only comes for a few short months. Pushing myself constantly, I ski the inside and outside the terrain park. Being a well-rounded skier makes challenges easier to take on, be it a flip or a double black diamond. Skiing through the woods believe it or not can help you feel more comfortable on rails, and fine tuning mogul skills can help you with jump takeoffs. I don't spend all of my time in the terrain park, so I try to make the mountain my playground. Whether it's shredding through the trees, or boosting off of a mogul, challenging myself is my favorite part of skiing. I enjoy a double black diamond as much as I enjoy learning to 540. There is always something to learn, somewhere to improve. Every time I go, I learn something different. Skiing has, is, and always will be, an incredible adventure that I will pursue till the day I die.

How does something soft, crunch?

Jesus fuck. And they say it's harder to get into college these days.

The grammar, punctuation: wordchoice, overuse of commas, and colons: along with a plain awful idea that is aestheically forced throughout, make this essay's author, worthy of sterilization.

 

[Hodor]

I once worked as an admissions rep at Bates College, so I have a little insight for what might help. I know you have had a lot of responses but I would suggest tackling this from a different angle, and not writing about skiing.

There are two main things admissions departments are looking for. First and for-most is insight and critical thinking. Some of the best college essays occur when students write about something that seems mundane but approach it from a fresh, personal, and analytical perspective. Best college essay I ever read was about mowing the lawn. The second thing they are looking for is originally, uniqueness, and of course diversity, so if there is something about you that is different, just write about that and they will like it.

Many high schoolers write about how much they like to do something, aka skiing, drama, sports etc…, but what shows greater maturity and self understanding is to write about a personal characteristic/fear/challenge/strength/weakness and how it developed/played out in a STORY. If you tell it as a STORY you will immediately have leg up against others. Humor can also go a really long way, since it makes your essay more noticeable and more fun for the people who have to read a shit ton of them.

Here are some ideas that could involve skiing that admissions reps might enjoy. things you have learned through chair lift rides with strangers/a specific stranger, an embarrassing moment beneath the lift, putting ski boots on versus taking them off and the feelings/thoughts associated. That being said, I would still avoid writing about skiing.

 

[Felice]

this essay is a fucking joke

much like OP

 

[supersquid]

you talk about how your going to hit your first rail and then go on to talk about how freestyle skiing has shaped your life. Start over OP colleges do not care about skiing they care about academics write about something else.

 

[Park.]

OK OP.

I was in the same position as you for college essays. I wanted to write about skiing, but instead, I wrote about conformity, and tied it in with skiing. I took hours and hours to make my essay. I restarted 4 times and finally came out with a product that conveyed what I wanted while being acceptable to my mother ( college professor AKA harps students who don't have exemplary writing). I made my essay intimate, and I made a story that felt meaningful while including my thoughts.

When I compare my essay to yours, I am missing that piece that sticks out to the reader as an intimate charactaristic of what you are talking about. " oh this kid likes skiing. NO WAY ME TOO!" Is all I really got out of your essay. I'm not saying what you wrote is bad, but I didn't get that sense of deeper understanding about you that I was craving that whole time.

If you would like, I can post my essay and show specific points, you van see what an acceptable ( by my mother's standards) essay is for college or I can share it with you/ share yours with me and I can suggest changes.

Honestly, I might post mine anyway and see if anyone agrees with what I've said so far. Who knows anyway? I could be talking out of my ass and my essay is the shittiest piece of writing anyone had ever been unfortunate enough to read. I have Like 5 days before I submit it anyway so seeing if I need to re write it again won't hurt AND it will help you know to ignore everything I've told you !

 

[turducken]

That's a paragraph not an essay.

 

[Park.]

Conformity: going against personal beliefs in an effort to stay within the social parameters of acceptance -Jackson Doremus

Conformity is possibly the biggest personal issue I have ever been exposed to. I am no exception to this problem, but I am pushing myself to change that. The battle against compliance is a personal war that I fight against every day. I may be one of very few, of my age, who understands this as intimately as a sociologist does, and this alone separates me from the masses that are innately blind to this issue. I experienced a life alteration that gave me a new perspective on myself, and what actually matters. This epiphany is what has given me a new outlook; one that includes the crushing stigma of what conformity has seared within me. This event happened when I was 15. I broke my shoulder skiing, and the doctor told my mother and me that there was no chance of me skiing or being active for at least eight months. Skiing is the most important thing in my life, and at the time I was in a position to compete at a junior olympic level. I had never felt more compelled to prove someone wrong after hearing the doctor say that. Two months later, I healed myself completely. It really is amazing what your body can do when you treat it well. I only ate a high calcium diet with lots of exercise and physical therapy and surprised even myself with how fast I healed. The essence of this accomplishment is what has given me a better appreciation for holding individuality as high as I do. At the time, I only proved to myself that I didn’t have to follow the lead of a doctor, but I managed to crack the shell created by society, opening for me the future that I am aspiring to reach now.

This story doesn’t sound special, but this was the first time that I had ever been actively fighting the word of authority. I realized how naive I had been, to the extreme degree of forfeiting my beliefs when I suffocated my individuality to conform to the lead of others. Similar to incurable diseases, I see the best solution to conformity is to seclude ourselves from it before it is too deeply ingrained in us to void. I am too late to live a life of pure identity, but since our future is held by the future of others, I see that the best way to divert the influence of conformity is simply the knowledge of it. Then, only the people who choose to realize the importance of what they know will be the change in this world. The followers will stay in the herd, but the ones who stand above it will make the difference and be their shepherds. So in my ideal future, the question to ask yourself is, “Do you want to be a sheep, blindly, and in many cases subconsciously following the lead of others, or do you want to be a shepherd, where you can break out of the societal mold, and use your dreams to pave the future?”

Every time i read this essay, I always find myself noticing something I dont like, but for the most part, I am sticking with this.

My essay is meant to be thought provoking. I chose the topic of making a change in this world or some bullshit. I didnt even read the questions honestly. I felt like they were restrictions, so I just wrote a paper about something I truly believe in. The emotions I tried to convey feel genuine (to me) and I am always happy with the central message of this paper. I then fit what I wrote into whatever the 3/4th question was.

the first sentence of my essay is sub-par. I am too wordy in this paper, but I after working it through to make it more mild, this is all I could accept. My explanation of healing back to full health feels forced, but my teacher wanted me to include it. I chose an opener that I had never seen before. Some people might like it, some people might think its gimmicky. All I am going for with it is to make it stick out to the reader, create some interest in something they hopefully haven't seen before, and put more thought into reading my paper to get the full effect out of it. The ending sentence of the first paragraph has been written atleast 20 times and I am still not sure if I like it. My opener of my 2nd paragraph feels like it could be misleading, especially to someone who isn't willing to put an mental investment into reading it. I cut out alot of filler, but I feel like there are brief gaps in transition sentences for the essay to run as smoothly as I want.

OP, The above critique is something you must do to yourself. I am sure that you have read your paper, and you can read some other piece of writing that is significantly better. You know this other piece is better no doubt, but what I suggest you try to do is figure out why your essay isn't comparable to a better piece. Try doing what I have done and just tear yourself apart. My critique is extensive and long (I dont even include grammar because my teacher said it isn't perfect, but the colleges are looking for legible essays and they dont give much a shit about grammar and punctuation compared to the story.

People in this thread have torn you multiple asssholes, some doing it much more nicely than others, but I care about this kind of shit if you are another skier, so I will try to help as much as I can. Ask any specific questions that you have, but as others have said, I would consider starting from scratch. This is an important paper, so putting in the time will pay off.

 

[Plankton]

Conformity: going against personal beliefs in an effort to stay within the social parameters of acceptance -Jackson Doremus

Conformity is possibly the biggest personal issue I have ever been exposed to. I am no exception to this problem, but I am pushing myself to change that. The battle against compliance is a personal war that I fight against every day. I may be one of very few, of my age, who understands this as intimately as a sociologist does, and this alone separates me from the masses that are innately blind to this issue. I experienced a life alteration that gave me a new perspective on myself, and what actually matters. This epiphany is what has given me a new outlook; one that includes the crushing stigma of what conformity has seared within me. This event happened when I was 15. I broke my shoulder skiing, and the doctor told my mother and me that there was no chance of me skiing or being active for at least eight months. Skiing is the most important thing in my life, and at the time I was in a position to compete at a junior olympic level. I had never felt more compelled to prove someone wrong after hearing the doctor say that. Two months later, I healed myself completely. It really is amazing what your body can do when you treat it well. I only ate a high calcium diet with lots of exercise and physical therapy and surprised even myself with how fast I healed. The essence of this accomplishment is what has given me a better appreciation for holding individuality as high as I do. At the time, I only proved to myself that I didn’t have to follow the lead of a doctor, but I managed to crack the shell created by society, opening for me the future that I am aspiring to reach now.

This story doesn’t sound special, but this was the first time that I had ever been actively fighting the word of authority. I realized how naive I had been, to the extreme degree of forfeiting my beliefs when I suffocated my individuality to conform to the lead of others. Similar to incurable diseases, I see the best solution to conformity is to seclude ourselves from it before it is too deeply ingrained in us to void. I am too late to live a life of pure identity, but since our future is held by the future of others, I see that the best way to divert the influence of conformity is simply the knowledge of it. Then, only the people who choose to realize the importance of what they know will be the change in this world. The followers will stay in the herd, but the ones who stand above it will make the difference and be their shepherds. So in my ideal future, the question to ask yourself is, “Do you want to be a sheep, blindly, and in many cases subconsciously following the lead of others, or do you want to be a shepherd, where you can break out of the societal mold, and use your dreams to pave the future?”

Every time i read this essay, I always find myself noticing something I dont like, but for the most part, I am sticking with this.

My essay is meant to be thought provoking. I chose the topic of making a change in this world or some bullshit. I didnt even read the questions honestly. I felt like they were restrictions, so I just wrote a paper about something I truly believe in. The emotions I tried to convey feel genuine (to me) and I am always happy with the central message of this paper. I then fit what I wrote into whatever the 3/4th question was.

the first sentence of my essay is sub-par. I am too wordy in this paper, but I after working it through to make it more mild, this is all I could accept. My explanation of healing back to full health feels forced, but my teacher wanted me to include it. I chose an opener that I had never seen before. Some people might like it, some people might think its gimmicky. All I am going for with it is to make it stick out to the reader, create some interest in something they hopefully haven't seen before, and put more thought into reading my paper to get the full effect out of it. The ending sentence of the first paragraph has been written atleast 20 times and I am still not sure if I like it. My opener of my 2nd paragraph feels like it could be misleading, especially to someone who isn't willing to put an mental investment into reading it. I cut out alot of filler, but I feel like there are brief gaps in transition sentences for the essay to run as smoothly as I want.

OP, The above critique is something you must do to yourself. I am sure that you have read your paper, and you can read some other piece of writing that is significantly better. You know this other piece is better no doubt, but what I suggest you try to do is figure out why your essay isn't comparable to a better piece. Try doing what I have done and just tear yourself apart. My critique is extensive and long (I dont even include grammar because my teacher said it isn't perfect, but the colleges are looking for legible essays and they dont give much a shit about grammar and punctuation compared to the story.

People in this thread have torn you multiple asssholes, some doing it much more nicely than others, but I care about this kind of shit if you are another skier, so I will try to help as much as I can. Ask any specific questions that you have, but as others have said, I would consider starting from scratch. This is an important paper, so putting in the time will pay off.

some of the language in this seems really forced and unnatural. And colleges definitely care about grammar and punctuation, it's one of the only ways they can see you are able to write like a normal human being aside from maybe the sat essay

 

[Sno.]

^Wait so...how, exactly did you fight conformity? Your ability to heal faster than the doctor had predicted? I don't get it.

 

[Park.]

some of the language in this seems really forced and unnatural. And colleges definitely care about grammar and punctuation, it's one of the only ways they can see you are able to write like a normal human being aside from maybe the sat essay

I didn't say they don't , but the story is much more important from what my teas her said

^Wait so...how, exactly did you fight conformity? Your ability to heal faster than the doctor had predicted? I don't get it.

my essay is showing that listening to authority isn't always the only option. To show that authority isn't always right, and how being yourself can yield what you want. My example is not good. I even said that in the essay. When I had this revelation, it was on a psychological level that was much more significant than the physical story was, and what you are asking was the hardest part of writing my essay

 

[AidanCski]

1) Colleges want to see examples of strong character in an applicants essay, all I see here is you mentioning that you love skiing. Personally, I didn't think you related this essay well enough to life, and the things colleges actually look for in an applicant.

2) If you are still going to talk about skiing, you have to dumb it down. Most people don't understand what "throwing down" means.

3) You don't need to be a grammar whiz to put together a well written essay. I'm assuming you have smart family members or friends - use them! You obviously had no help in proofing this essay before you posted it online. Your grammar made it hard to read.

I'm trying to be as nice as I can, but honestly dude, it was really bad. I would strongly suggest using a new topic for this essay. Good Luck!

 

[Sno.]

I didn't say they don't , but the story is much more important from what my teas her said

my essay is showing that listening to authority isn't always the only option. To show that authority isn't always right, and how being yourself can yield what you want. My example is not good. I even said that in the essay. When I had this revelation, it was on a psychological level that was much more significant than the physical story was, and what you are asking was the hardest part of writing my essay

Can I ask two questions that may make me sound like a dick?

When you had your revelation were you high or rolling?

Did it occur to you that it doesn't necessarily make you look good (applying to college-wise) to be someone who doesn't respect authority?

 

[Park.]

Can I ask two questions that may make me sound like a dick?

When you had your revelation were you high or rolling?

Did it occur to you that it doesn't necessarily make you look good (applying to college-wise) to be someone who doesn't respect authority?

hahaha nah i was actually depressed when it happened, and the point of my essay is to show that I try to have creativity without boundaries. Authority is a very strict boundary that is not always right and in my essay I used a doctor instead of police, so I felt it was restrained enough to be ok.