CAUTION "THINKING" OUT LOUD
It's scary shit. I thought the one before my last one was pretty bad. Had bad headaches for 6 months, once in a while for a year, and then sometimes even after that. It's been 8 months since my last head injury. Things still aren't even close to right. It's pretty fucked up and scary to think about.
I can walk well now, but still can't run or jump around(not that my knees were any good anyway) Can't listen to music with headphones, can't be around loud noises. The vibration from people who stomp around instead of walking on any floor that isn't solid bothers my head.
Always carefully choosing my steps. Have to be pretty fucking paranoid walking around on snow and ice now.
Still hoping to be like 90% in the spring at some point and maybe be able to drink a beer or 2 again sometime. Would be pretty nice. Even just like no more than a few beers a day kind of thing. Hell even just one beer, one decent beer. Hell even no beer and feeling some kind of normal again and having brain function in the return of normal.
Fuck head injuries.
Actually avoiding watching the crash reel for a while. When I went to NZ for early summer it was available on the plane. It was pretty intense. The movie is intense in general but it definitely spoke to me. It also made me realize that I'm lucky that my brain isn't way more fucked. Compared to lots of other people, I'm in pretty good shape.
I was in rough shape on the plane ride though. Head injury the day after I get a job in NZ. Wasn't sure if I could work and support myself over there, wasn't even sure if I could deal with flying. Was stressed about a lot of things. On the flight I had time to watch that and also think about a lot of things. Try and set things right in my head and figure out what I wanted to do, what I needed to do to accomplish goals, and make peace at least as best as I could with the past.
Idk. It's just scary to think that a normal day at the hill could be your last. On the plus I've grown less frustrated and more motivated. I decided not to stop skiing/snowboarding. Not to stop working in the parks. Not to stop riding the parks. With that I'm getting risky but it's what I want to do. Being reminded that life can be short has me motivated to try and do as much as I can while I'm spinning around on this rock in space. Spring 2009 was the first time I realized my own mortality at least had it in the forefront of my mind. Since then I haven't lived perfectly but I've done a lot, seen a lot, met thousands of great people along the way. In a sense some of the shit that I spent months wishing to find a time machine and change things, might have been blessings in a sense.
Life isn't always perfect, sometimes it sucks, but would you really want to change anything? It's the mold that produced you, led you to any of the friends around you, the mountains you've skied etc. I say fuck it, the past is the past and the future is a clean slate. Party on Wayne, party on Garth...
