Comment on these lyrics please, give input

SirFryanator

SirFryanator

Active member
I got a show in february and I need to finish these up, help edit the first page please!!!

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Yeah people just listen to the track sound

Before your life simply fades into the background

It’s a complex world that we’re living in

Hypocrisy lives in the souls of our bretheren

Bumping sex tones with the newest MC

The youth steal it all from the industry

The sense of hearing might love the problem so does the dough but

It pinpoints us with blame straight head to toe

Breaking the law every day, 20,000 seconds spent instead of dollars…well hey

What’s up with that? You guys think we’re whack

well I suggest that you all just listen to the track sound

the baloney, especially the minority of all the artists

is a contention to hone thee to blow up and be catalysts

Mind expanding to create a new song

The Lord above need not tell me what’s wrong

With the next generation that will take over in a bit

They’re all on crack, weed, or whatever drug’s in your shit

Why are we so dumb, God? give us the answer to the question

Our solution should already be in progression

Well it’s up to us to save the world

From all the little bad boys and girls

Who keep clicking away…from day to day

Stealing from the artists in the easiest way

But what they don’t get is the fact that the government

Can track them down and I believe that they’re loving it

No problem for me, I’m just another MC

I don’t steal from other artists just the ones like Lil Weezy

And Jeezy and Sleazy or whatever’s off the heezy

I can’t keep up with the contenders in this rap game, I’m easy (funny joke!)

But not so easy to comprehend, I’d take a record label but not from them

Because I’m a gem, a well rounded teen stretched to the brim

Event horizon coming up, it’s called the winter season

I shine in the snow sliding on two planks

Keep it fly on the slopes and in the ranks called school

It makes me drool…some classes are nice but the boring ones make me want to smoke some ice

And I don’t do drugs, I even quit weed

Adrenaline gives me the high that I need

I’m an addict, addicted to my life, a sick sensation of love, lust, grief, and strife

I really hated that time when we had no cash

My dad got the promotion and my past turned to ash

206 area code, dial it in

Wicked lifestyle combined with a little sin

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You're going to have to have one hell of a beat to make that all flow right, but if you do, that shit's pretty good.
 
Change up your rhyme patterns, if your whole song is AA/BB/CC then it will sound repetitive and redundant. And avoid rhymes like "world/girl" and "way/day". Use more metaphors, add some more creativity. I don't mean to sound too critical, but IMHO the lyrics are simple and uninspiring.
 
yep this is what I was looking for and if you look it isn't all AA/BB/CC, it's changed up. This is the first page, the whole thing is going to be 5 minutes long or so, so I have a while to go.

thanks again.
 
Get an audio clip of you doing it, that way we can see what kinda beat it is and how it flows. I think the lyrics are alright though.
 
I never record w/out a beat, so I'll throw one together later today or tomorrow. But thanks for the input, I got it so that it'll work.
 
yeah i like the lyrics, but from what i can imagine it is going to sound very repetitive with the rhyming pattern so similar all the way through- true you have changed it a little but i think its going to need more than that to make it a very good track. so far i think it will sound like one of my friends freestyles, which is impressive but only when its freestyle. so good luck, i think its only really the rhyming pattern that needs changing, although of course thats impossible to do without changing a large amount of the track.
 
what would be an example of another rhyming pattern, ABAB CDCD? I think that sounds terrible in raps...what's an example of an interesting rhyme scheme?
 
aight yo you gots to listen up

you a beat bitch cuz u watch 2 girls 1 cup

yeah thats right i said it, this is how real niggas roll

im not a druggy like you so go smoke another bowl

im more into spitin whats on my mind

im not mainstream, havnt even gotten signed,

man fuck that shit, im a mono rapper i dont need a label

if you got beef with me just lay it on the table,

dont talk shit behind my back, say it to my face

you make the rap industry look bad, you a fuckin disgrace

i dont pop bottles instead i drop a beat

some day ill be at the top, and ull be kissin my feet

idk that was pretty bad, more a battle use

NS RAPPERS REPRUHSENT
 
i don't like the part that mentions you smoking ice. i'd like to hear it it looks like it'd sound pretty damn good.
 
That was the first thing I took out while editing, I didn't like it either. i've never smoked ice, never will.

Yeah people just listen to the track sound

Before your life simply fades into the background

It’s a complex world that we’re living in

Hypocrisy lives in the souls of our bretheren

Bumping sex tones with the newest MC

The youth steal it all from the industry

Ears might love the problem so might the dough but

It pinpoints us with blame straight head to toe

What’s up with that? You guys think we’re whack

Well I suggest that you all just listen to the track sound

It’s all baloney, why is music a minority

In the industry that takes up economy majority

Mind expands to create a new song

The Lord above needs to tell me what’s wrong

We’re the next generation that will take over in a bit

Poppin pills, railing coke, or whatever drug’s in your shit

You there, God? Please answer my questions

Our solution should already be in progression

No problem for me, I’m just an MC

I don’t steal from other artists just the ones like Lil Weezy

And Jeezy and Sleazy or whatever’s off the heezy

I’m just another player of the game; I’m easy (funny joke!)

But not easy to comprehend because I’m a gem

a well rounded teen stretched to the brim

I’m an addict; yeah I’m addicted to my life, a sick sensation of love, lust, grief, and strife

--

Yeah people, just listen to the track sound

Before your life simply fades into the background

We’re just another brick in the trick called Earth

No one appreciates how much life is worth

Yeah people, just listen to the track sound

NGP spits fire like a shotgun round

Don’t throw your head to the ground or be all wound

Just listen to the track and let your brain be spellbound

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I'd help you out but rap is one of those things that i have to hear it with the beat to know if it sounds good becasue i've seen some pretty shitty looking lines sound great under beat and vice versa.
 
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