Comment on my intro to my short essay, por favor

SirFryanator

SirFryanator

Active member
Tell me what you think. I have two more paragraphs to expand with (I'm limited to apprx. 3 paragraphs):

Emo. The word brings the slightly cheesy taste of vomit to my mouth. It is a lifestyle of being slightly delusional, sad, and rebellious without really achieving anything. It also is the perfect description of the main character in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, righteously named Prince Hamlet. On the opposite spectrum one has the personality of Prince Hal, the cunning protagonist of the play King Henry IV, another brilliant image translated from brain to page by Shakespeare. Some call him Shakespeare’s greatest creation, while another group of fans hail Hamlet to be the greatest play ever created. To pick their brains, one can compare the two main characters by style of soliloquy.

 
for sure, I see where you're coming from. I am thinking of changing the word "emo" to something that might not offend people.
 
the point is to keep the mood light, bro! Give me suggestions on what to change. The teacher wants an entertaining essay comparing the soliluquy's of Act I scene II of Henry IV (I know you all...when men think least I will) and Hamlet in which I forget which scene (Now I am alone...about, my brain).

It's just the intro.

 
"Emo. The word brings the slightly cheesy taste of vomit to my mouth. It is a lifestyle of being slightly delusional, sad, and rebellious without really achieving anything."

Terrible terrible terrible opening sentences. I realize what you are trying to do here, but you are not only being offensive, you are being way to personal and generalizing. In essays, you avoid the words like "I", "Me", "You" and "We" like the plague. They just make your essay look weak. You should find a stronger and more relevant way of tying this thought into your intro.

"On the opposite spectrum one has the personality"

This is grammatically incorrect. It should be "on the opposite end of the spectrum" if anything. I would probably replace the entire thing with "In stark contrast, one has the personality..." but that's just me.

"while another group of" sounds better as "while others"

Your last sentence doesn't really fit either. I would probably put something like "An accurate and informative comparison of the two conflicting personalities can be represented by soliloquy." or something like that.
 
Hamlet does manage to achieve something though, he reveals the treachery in the court and the murder of his Father, he also has a strong ruler take the throne to lead Denmark as she faces war. Also, sure have fun with your paper but the first 2 sentences will get you lit up by any teacher.
 
^thanks for the constructive criticism.

Edited:

Poetry is a form of expressing one’s woe, happiness, and overall feeling. It creates a translation of imagination to art in the form of text. One example of a brilliant creation is the main character of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, righteously named Prince Hamlet. The opposite side of the Shakespeare spectrum displays the cunning protagonist of the play King Henry IV, Prince Hal. Some call him Shakespeare’s greatest creation, while another group of fans hail Hamlet to be the greatest play ever created. An accurate and informative comparison of the two conflicting personalities can be represented by an analysis of a soliloquy from each play.
 
Are you just looking for editing, of just an opinion?

Also, if I may ask, what grade are you in?

(That isn't supposed to come across as snarky, by the way!)
 
11th grade. I'm looking for any help you can come up with, I really would like a good grade on this. I figure if experienced writers on here rip it apart it'll be decent at least by the end.
 
Ya that's alot better. I would replace "side" with "end" while talking about the 'shakespeare spectrum' as well as changing "while another group of fans" to "while others". Those two changes will make it sound quite a bit smoother in my opinion.
 
Well I don't need to post now, well said. Take his advice. In all honesty you could start over and not be so obtuse. It would still have the same effect, but in a more effective tone.
 
I'm sorry but I can't even begin to fix that. There's nothing good about it. "Emo." is not a sentence, use a semi-colon. I know it's supposed to be funny but honestly I can't even understand what you're trying to say in some parts of this. This has one of the weakest thesis statements I've ever read. If somebody in grade 11 handed that in they would probably end up with about 30%. My advice is to leave it for a day or so then go back and read it over. When you read a sentence and think to yourself "that made no sense" which I should hope you would find that seeing as there's a few in there, fix it. Don't use the word "I", if a teacher see's that while they're grading your essay you'll probably automatically drop 10%
 
My bad.

This is definatly better

Poetry is a form of expressing one’s woe, happiness, and overall feeling. It creates a translation of imagination to art in the form of text. One example of a brilliant creation is the main character of Shakespeare’s Hamlet, righteously named Prince Hamlet. The opposite side of the Shakespeare spectrum displays the cunning protagonist of the play King Henry IV, Prince Hal. Some call him Shakespeare’s greatest creation, while another group of fans hail Hamlet to be the greatest play ever created. An accurate and informative comparison of the two conflicting personalities can be represented by an analysis of a soliloquy from each play.

Not really poetry, I guess the soliloquies are kinda poetry but still I would change the opening from "poetry" to "The written word"

2nd sentence just seems awkward to me. Maybee try something like this

"Through the written word, the art that lies within one's imagination can be translated into something that may be comprehended by others"

Third sentence, try to start it off with "One example"

Just try reagranging it like this

"Prince Hamlet, from Shakespears 'Hamlet' is a brilliant creation or......" I dunno I'm not gonna come up with ideas for you but you can see what I'm trying to say right?

4th sentence seems good

5th sentence I would use "while others" instead of "while another group of fans"

aside from that, your essay is comparing the characters if I'm not mistaken, so in this sentence you should try to refer to Hamlet the character, not the play

In the thesis try to bring out some of the key contrasts that can be seen by comparing the 2 soliloquies. With the thesis how it is now, your essay should be trying to prove that you can make a good comparison through the soliloquies, which I don't think is exactly what you want. I think you want it to be more like "By comparing soliloquies from each character, one can contrast Hamelts inability to make decisions with Prince Hals ....., Hamlets... with prince hals..., and ......."

Hope that helps
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top