Shpadoinkle
Active member
i dunno if anyone has posted anything like this, and i didn't feel like searching for anything. anyway...i thought it was hilarious since i don't really like lawyers. actually i'll just say politicians.
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are taken, word for word, from actual court transcripts:
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>
> WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
>
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>
> WITNESS: I forget.
>
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband s ai d to you that morning?
>
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> WITNESS: Are you shitt'n me?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin' laid!
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>
> WITNE SS: None.
>
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
> WITNESS: You're kidding, right? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>
> WITNESS: By death.
>
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
> WITNESS: Guess.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>
> WITNESS: All my autopsies were performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
>
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
>
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
>
>
> And now, the best for last...
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>
> WITNESS: No
>
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are taken, word for word, from actual court transcripts:
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>
> WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
>
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>
> WITNESS: I forget.
>
> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband s ai d to you that morning?
>
> WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>
> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>
> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>
> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>
> WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>
> WITNESS: Are you shitt'n me?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>
> WITNESS: Uh....I was gettin' laid!
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>
> WITNESS: Yes.
>
> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>
> WITNE SS: None.
>
> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>
> WITNESS: You're kidding, right? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>
> WITNESS: By death.
>
> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>
> WITNESS: Now, whose death do you suppose terminated it?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>
> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>
> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>
> WITNESS: Guess.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>
> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
>
> WITNESS: All my autopsies were performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that question?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
>
> WITNESS: Oral.
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>
> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
>
> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>
> WITNESS: No, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>
> WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
>
>
>
> ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
>
>
>
>
>
> And now, the best for last...
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
>
> WITNESS: No
>
> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
>
> WITNESS: No.
>
> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>
> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>
> ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
>
> WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
