Am I a bad person?

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Pancake_Fucker

Active member
My grandmother is in the hospital with pancreatic cancer. I've been going to see her every day, but the last few days she hasn't woken up once and she is unresponsive to everything. I didn't go because I wanted to remember her when she was talking to me and not in a bed waiting to die. The last time i visited her was two days ago on her 79th birthday. I said happy birthday, she smiled and said thank you, amd when i left i told her i loved her and gave her a hug and kiss. She said i love you and i walked out the door. The doctors said they don't expect her to make it through tonight. I got hit with a lot of guilt and I don't know if what i did was right or wrong.
 
you deal with things your own way.

If you want your last memory with her to be a good one in which you were able to say goodbye on both yours, and her own terms, then I'd say you're doing it right.
 
Ive never dealt with a family member dying but I know that everyone deals with these things differently. If it makes you feel better that you will remember her that way, saying I love you, I wouldn't say you're a bad person. I think if I was in the same position I might feel a similar way. It's gotta be a rough time for you and your family, my thoughts are with you and your family.
 
that's sad to hear man. deaths in the family are always a tough thing to go through. just stay strong and know that your last words to her were good and true.
 
I'm sorry to hear about our grandmother. I don't know what you believe in, but I think that she knows what you did and that you were thinking about her the whole time. You did go to see her every day. Don't beat yourself up.
 
I would've done things differently, but obviously we're different people. As the first post said, if the last words said were I love you, I'd be happy knowing she left remembering you last saying I love you.

I would've gone back and sat with her but that's me.

Vibes for you and your family brother.
 
my dad died of pancreatic cancer when I was 10, seeing him sitting in the lazy boy in the morning dead when i went into his room was the most horrifying moment Ive ever endured in my life, i immediately sprinted out of the room crying, I couldn't handle it at all. I really regret not skipping school and spending as much times as I could with him. Be there for your Grandma as much as you can even if it hurts to see, you don't have to see her when she's passed, because seeing a dead person is the scariest thing in the world when its someone you love. Just remember the good times man
 
Also you brought it upon yourself to visit her and be with her going through this and, without knowing your grandmother, I would think that she would have seen that too. I would have done the exact same thing, I don't think my last memory of my grandma lying there on the verge would have sat with me well for a long long time. So without a doubt, no, you're definitely not a bad person. Hang in there.
 
I did sit with her for a couple hours in that last stay, I just wanted to make the post short. Thank you to everyone saying such nice things. I know I'm not the only person to go through shit but it still sucks.
 
Sorry to hear about your grandmother. What I think what you did was just find. I can understand not going but I know it's tough deciding whether to go or not based on her condition.
 
I thought the same exact thing about my grandfather. He lived several states away from me, so I only get to see him a couple times a year, but I turned down the last two times to visit him with my parents since his alzheimer's had gotten really bad the last few years.

I figured I wanted to remember him as my fully functional grandpa, not somebody whose mind and body was destroyed. And I was comfortable with this decision until he died. Then I immediately regretted not spending as much time as I possibly could with him, regardless of his state. Dying is a brutal, horrible thing, but I don't think any time spent with him toward the end of his life would have ruined my memories of him - I still would have remembered him as the lively man from my childhood regardless. Wish I could change those decisions now.

You are absolutely not a bad person either way, but based on my experiences, I would encourage you wholeheartedly to spend as much time with your grandmother as you can - even at this late hour.
 
When I was young around 7 my grandfather was in the hospital and the doctors didn't know what was wrong with him. My family drove to Toronto from Ottawa to see him but when we got to his floor the doctors wouldn't let me in because I was young and there were many sick and dying people around who may hav been contagious. So I sat in the waiting room, my dad later came back with a nurse with a mask and many other safety percautions for me so I could see my grandfather. Me not understanding the situation declined saying I would see him later that week and it was too much of a hassle. He died later that weekend and it haunts me to this day that I wasn't able to visit him and tell him I loved him because of my childhood stupidity. Be thankful that you were smart anoungh to see her and tell her you love her but really think hard about not visiting her again. You never want to look back at this and say I wish I could have seen her one last time.
 
My brother committed suicide when I was very young. I was a young boy. I found him hanging by his throat in our garage. I couldn't handle it either. Sometimes I can't help but think that i could have stopped him or helped. So many regrets..

Remember the good times bro. You're a good man. Stay strong. Feel free to PM me anytime.
 
There's nothing wrong there bro, if that's the way you want your last meeting to be, so be it.

I'm always thankful that the last words I said to my grandpa before he died was I love you on the phone the night before, I still think he knew what was going to happen.
 
No one wants to remember a loved one when they're suffering and in pain. If your last words were I love you, then you've done nothing wrong. Continue to make her proud, that's what love is all about.
 
Yeah. My grandmother just passed away as well, and one of the things I remember the most of her saying, was something like: "I know I'm dying, and I'm not afraid anymore I just want to hang on for you guys". That really broke me up because she was visibly deteriorating, and you could see her getting worse by the hour.

But I think if your last memories of her are fond, and you were good to her while you could be, you are golden. Regards man, it's always sad when a close family member passes away.
 
Im gonna spend more time with my family after this.

Op, your last memories of her were good ones, you're a good guy
 
You're a good guy and I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. My grandpa just died of cancer this past November. My last visit he managed to make a little joke but was a shell of the man i knew. I told him i loved him and left, knowing I would never see him alive again. I made that decision there and then. The next day I had the option to go and see him again but instead I chose to go home, which was 300 miles away. He died about an hour after I walked through my front door. I don't regret one bit not going to see him that next day. The person he was, dying in that bed, wasn't the man I loved. My brother saw him that last day and didnt recognise him. I'd made peace with his passing before it happened, cancer is a horrible horrible illness and no one should have to suffer that way. I wanted the suffering to end for him, and I'm glad that my last memory of him is a good one.

I know it's hard man, in my job i deal with death frequently but there is nothing that anyone can say that will make the loss of a loved one any easier. Just remeber the happy times and that she knew you loved her. Do what you feel is best and don't let anyone else guilt you into doing anything different. I hope you and your family get through this OK.
 
So true, my grandpa has bad Alzheimer's, and I'd rather remember him calling me the pope, and giving me frozen York mints. Rather than him not being able to remember me at all.
 
Thank you everyone again. She was given a week on Boxing Day, and then told she wasn't going to make last night. She surprised and proved all the doctors wrong every time. She passed today at 4:23pm. Thanks for the support ns, you were all a great help, and I'm happy I got to say those last words to her, and she was able to say them back.
 
i'm sure other people have said this, but everybody handles things differently, and no. You are not a bad person.

Just something to think about, if she hasn't passed yet, i had somebody very close to me that was very sick for a long time. on her last night here I wasn't there because I was too scared. It's something I will always regret and have to live with now. It's just something you might want to think about.

Just remember there is no right way or wrong way, and she knows you loved her. That's what matters.

I know this probably doesn't mean much but i hope it makes you smile in some way because i cant give you a hug through the internet.

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vibes man.
 
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