A.S.S

This goes back a couple of girlfriends now...

She was living with her Aunt, 3 bedroom house in Point Claire, MTL

Her room had no door way.

At-night there's no way she couldn't hear us going for it being across the hall.

Her (the Aunt) last Partner died while having sex with her...

Definitely felt Awkward about that one...
 
I was having fun with a girl in High school at her house after classes were out. Her dad came home sick like 2 hours too early and i was stuck in the house. He knocked on her door and i hid behind the door and he talked to her for a good 30 seconds, i held my breath. I thought i was going to Dead. He went to bed, I GTFO .
 
i was supposed to hook up with a girl, was sleeping in a tent with her, and her mom called. her mom was trashed and said that she was leaving the dad. pretty awkward even sleeping in the tent and i didn't know her well enough to know any background on it so it was completely random.
 
this ones a doosie:
i was at a party at my friends place, absolutely hammered. long story short, we ended up shaving mohawks on me and like 3 other kids. so end of the night comes along and i go home with this girl, but my roomate was in the room so she didnt wanna fuck there. the solution was to go fuck in the laundry room in the basement of my dorm. we get down there and start going at it, but my drunk ass forgot to lock the door. this creepy ass kid from my floor walks in to do his laundry at 3am on a saturday (wtf?), opens the door to find me, with a mohawk, fucking some girl on the laundry table. i just picked her up by the hips and turned over towards him so he couldnt see anything, but ill never forget the look on his face. i mean, imagine going to do your laundry and some dude with a mohawk was fucking a girl in the room. i still cant look that kid in the eye
 
This isn't me this is just one story I found.

ok, so, i just read this. and my roflcopter took off. i dident write this so dont start hateing. i thought it was funny so i decided to share it with NS.

When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestional disorder that sometimes cause my shit to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping duce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you go in my mouth." I **** love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my **** out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL shit, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest shit and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the tits.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in shit and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my shit with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest shit of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the bandaid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a shit and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY SHIT!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I shit on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.
 
so my buddy and his friend (whom i knew) came to visit me at school and i got stupid drunk. my friend somehow talked me into having sex with the girl, who is his very good friend. i didn't have a condom on me (i was sleeping in a buddies room so my friend would have a bed to sleep in) so i pull out this condom my friends bought me when we went to england. it's been in my wallet for a solid 3 years and the wrapper says "Want to see Big Ben?". this fucking condom is tight as hell and i'm shitfaced, and i can feel myself going soft by the second. i tell her to go on top after a few minutes but instead we go doggy. i had issues getting it in (considering i was as soft as a wet noodle). we start chatting about how bad condoms suck and i tell her that i'm taking it off. so i'm back on top and i'm like fuck this and tear the condom off. i proceed to do my business, pull out, and nut all over her, like legitimately cover her (which was glorious). You can't really get a feel for the awkwardness, but it was just so sloppy and drunk that it was hardly enjoyable.
 
thats not really awkward, thats just fucking a girl and raw dogging her

unless you have a pic of the mess you made......
 
it really wasn't bad. i was shit shitfaced so there was a lot of fumbling, giggles, and just overall sloppiness.
 
i'd rather not hahahahaha. not my finest hour. i'm a solid 9, but was dabbling well below my bracket. college has drastically brought my standards down. everclear for the win!
 
drunk fucks usually never end up the best fucks. on that note, i was blacked trying to fuck a chick. she was def a wook and i was def fucked up. whatever, when in doubt wook out! hahaha

so anways we're fucking for a bit, not going into detail, but ya shit sucked. About half way through i began to relize the chick was a wook (not super ugly, but definitely not hot). And ya me being super drunk i just straight told her she sucked and was not turning me on. while i was still in her, going soft... hahah, pretty much was the shittiest fuck ever and i made it like 100 times worse after i said that...

so overall, leave your wook goggles at home and go for the hot chicks! hahaha
 
yea, thanks to college i fingered a tiny girl. Like short. Like a dwarf. Thanks college haha
 
"like short. like a dwarf." hahahaha that's priceless. i received a handjob (so 7th grade) and just straight nutted in my sheets. i then proceeded to sleep in my jizz sheets. all whilst my roommate was passed out in his bed. yay, college.
 
dude thats pretty bad but i have one thats worse. my friend hooked up with this random girl at a party. after words they were in his car. he was giving her a ride home. she got a call. it was her sister saying her DAD KILLED HER MOM. she just breaks down. the worst thing was he barely knew this girl. what would you say in a situation like that? "that sucks."
super akward, also fucked up
 
hahahaha, i think i jerked off when my roommate was asleep one night when i couldnt get any pussy, i hope he was asleep at least
 
apparently my roommate does this all the time.

also, i was astonished when a girl asked me if i had come yet about a minute after b'ing my L in her mouth. i was like really? did you not feel/taste that?
 
Haha, i now give my girlfriend warnings, I'll say charlie sheen is talking or something when i'm about to jizz, give it a shot haha
 
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