A Menace of the invisible sorts permeated from my asshole.

ButteredToast.

ButteredToast.

Active member
Think of the nastiest, most foul, gag-inducing shit you have ever taken.

Good.

Multiply that stench by ten. Then sprinkle some burnt rubber on top, add a dash of skunkshit, and sautee in vomit. Ladies and gentlemen, I have produced such a smell. And the Menace came from none other than my own asshole.

I'm crammed into a hot classroom of about twenty five highschool juniors. A score of rowdy gremlins have decided to host a WWE Smackdown in my lower intestine. I believe that they have migrated far, far from their homeland. They have been away from their homestead for about two days, nestling their filthy asses in my OWN ass. I do believe they miss their White Castle.

I am old. I am wise. And I will tell you, White Castle at 3AM is NOT a good idea.

I sit in gut-wrenching pain, with my White Castle gremlins carrying on merrily with their WWE Smackdown. I pucker my asshole in a desperate attempt to contain the foul stench lying within. Every grumble is sheer torture. I can feel the bloating increasing by the second. I have never felt so sorry for my American Eagle jeans. I cannot imagine the stress they must be under with my stomach more than twice its normal circumference.

I secretly writhe in pain, hoping and praying to every deity that I can think of that none of my classmates notice. I can't bear it any longer. Mount Vesuvious has OFFICIALLY relocated itself, right into my own ass.

I proceed to make two horrible mistakes.

I gingerly reposition my weight to my right asscheek.

Mistake number one. I'm sitting on the far right of my classroom, with all my classmates sitting to my left. I have unknowingly aimed my ammunition in the last place I want it to go.

I let it rip. Fortunately it is silent.

Mistake number two. NEVER, EVER, and I mean EVER let a White Castle fart out in the presence of other human beings. The menace is a foul being, and should NEVER be released into a room of other people.

Thank GOD, I think to myself. No one noticed. I am elated. The pain is gone.

I turn to my left, and notice my friend's scarlet face, half covered by his hoodie pulled over his nose, staring right at me.

Oh shit, oh shit, oh SHIT, OH SHIT.

I have just fully realized the extent of my unfortunate anal discharge.

The entire room full of students begins to writhe.

"OH MY GOD WHAT DIED?!"

"Is the sewer leaking again?!"

"What the FUCK is THAT???"

"I'M SUFFOCATING!!!"

I sit with my shirt over my face, pretending to be at the mercy of the same Menace. I am ashamed, but also in a sick, twisted state of pride.

It is too late. The class simultaneously turns, and sets their burning gaze on me.

My english teacher is gagging. He struggles to wade through the invisible stench hanging in the air to power on the fan and open the windows as far as they will go. Learning stops for a good half hour.

It is 15 degrees outside, yet freezing to death has never been so appetizing.

I have never been so ashamed, yet so proud at the same time.

 
Normally something that entertaining has been pulled off the web. Did you write it, or copy and paste it?
 
I wrote it. This ACTUALLY happened to me yesterday.

Pretty embarrassing, but I figured what the hell, why not entertain NS instead of studying for exams?
 
Well then, bravo. It was very entertaining. The best part was when your classmates started freaking out. And picturing you there with your shirt pulled over your face pretending to shield the smell, but in fact we know you were smiling. Awesome.
 
since the other ones getting deleted....

oh man i have swine flu and feel like shit and want to kill someone but

that made my fucking day. i cant stand it. +k to you. i thank you

very much
 
I will vouch for this story, and the extent to which every detail has been meticulously recorded in this thread. I was most unfortunate to be present.

This fart was serious business. It reeked of death. Had i not known Evan better, i would have assumed that he had been feasting on the decaying remnants of his late dog Rex (may he rest in peace). This fart smelled bad. It was the kind of stench that is experienced once in a lifetime.. once in a

million lifetimes. A stench that makes you clench your own buttcheeks

in fear of letting one loose. A stench so rank you think "Goddamn that smells like shit."

A stench that can be released only as a result of the foul misgivings

of White Castles at 3 a.m. that have been brooding in your colon for

two full days and nights. My friends... this fart was no joke.

also, first page of an NS classic...
 
ha ha, this thread is so getting deleted.

but reminds me of the time when i consumed:

-oatmeal

-granola

-avocados

-tacos

-yogurt

-cheese

all in one night, within an hour of each other, and then went to weightlifting the next morning. never have i had such an arsenal of foul, gag inducing farts. I would walk OUTSIDE, fart, then walk back in, and the entire weightroom would cough, gag, and exclaim how terrible the entire room smelled. this was repeated until i realized the only way i could protect my teammates was by walking around the building outside to the alternate entrance every time i farted.

what a morning.
 
Congrats, sounds like that thing was a champion. Hopefully the girl you're crushin on isn't in that class.
 
Epic haha, I liked how you wrote it too, I did that once in the 6th grade and I was in the middle of the room... Kids moved their desks and formed a 3 foot circle around me hahaha, so embarrassing.
 
First thread in a while to legitimately crack me up.

borat.jpg

 
25 kids in your class whaaaaaaaa? my math class has like 44, and thats after they made some kids drop it.
 
Hahaha, great story.

I laughed when you described pulling your hoodie over our nose to make it look like you didn't do it.
 
this could have all been avoided, what a shame. next time fart into your cupped hands and quickly throw it out the window
 
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