ah i just got back from a road trip with friends and thought i should add a little clarity and an update. first off i absolutely take back what i said about protecting your women, i did not mean it like that. im the least controling guy i know and i think thats the only way to be. if you truely love and trust someone i believe you have to show them by believeing in them and laying your heart on the line. you will be much better for it because you will really be able to feel the love. but when you do this and you get your heart broken it will hurt like nothing you can imagin..believe me i know! that being said, i think it will be a long time before i can put myself so trustingly into another person again. as for the love thing i think peteybugs hit the nail on the head. i know she loved me, and yes the novelty had warn off but after that is when you truely build a bond, which we had.. or so i thought. and no i cant be mad at her for her feelings ive learned they are a powerful thing. the only thing i am a bit frusterated with is how quickly she is moving with her new flame. which brings me to my update........ so this weekend i went on a roadtrip to st johns(where she is going to school, im on the other side of the province at home on a workterm)to look for an appartment for the upcoming summer school term and to drink some sorrows away. well friday when i got in we all went to visit a buddy in the same apartment building as my ex. as unlucky as it was when we left she and her room mate came out behind us and got into a friends jeep. it was very awkward and nobody really acknoledged eachother. so yeah that sucked but i figured i may see her the weekend.. as it turns out i saw more of her than i cared to durring the weekend. so yeah after that me and my friends all splurged and went out for a $50 steak dinner. after that we all got drunk, reminissed and went downtown. as it happens the first bar i went into, my ex and her gf's showed up at about 5 min after me. there was no avoiding her so i went over and talked to her. we had a conversation for a while and it was the first time i had really seen her since we had split up.she told me how stuff was going but suggested i not go downtown the next night as she was going to be out with her new man and his friends. i said well that was fine but i just had to go out, that was what i came in for. but i guess we still had love in our eyes and she actually started to cry. she admitted that it was the first time she had cried in the last week. i told her not to, she did this to be happy, not sad. so anyway we talked for 20min and i said goodbye. the next day would not be so good... after appartment hunting for the better half of a day we went to a party with friends and proceeded to get drunk.. after that we headed downtown again. when we arrived the first bar we headed to was the one from the night before. i was leading the way through the crowd when i got a real shock. i saw her at the bar into her new guy. they were making out and looking quite happy. i couldnt take it. it put everything together and made it far too real. i had what can only be described as a bad panic attack. i than ran out of the bar, unnoticed by my ex or her bf. i was chased by a few friends, one of which eventually caught me. than i had a breakdown, i was sooo mad and hurt. i freeked out and started kicking a wall and than punching it. this would later proove to be a bad idea as i sit here typing with my left hand. my right hand is broken. i tried to go back into the bar but again had a feeling of panic and had to leave. i ran to another bar, bought a beer and called some friends. they all came over except for one who determined to stay and punch buddy in the face. he was soon talked out of it though and im glad. i dont think a fight wouild have helped anyone here. so the rest of the night was pretty uneventful and we left for home the next morning. the weekend was pretty awefull but it was filled with highs and lows... when i saw her with him that was a new low for me. i was devistated. however this bought about some positive for me. i realized that this was truely the end and started the end of my fantasys of us being together again. i guess from here its all uphill. i know however that ill only be truely happy in the long run in 2 situations. either we refind another and start over whether that be 1 2 5 or 10 years down the road, or i find someone who i fall so hard for that i would literally be able to go on a double date with my ex and her bf and feel nothing but happy for her. untill than though i am only 20 so i dont plan on that for a while. right now im just gonna take things as they come like i always have. i never planned on setelling down at 20 by any means but i guess when you find someone and you know its right, it doesnt matter what age you are. the other thing i realized is how important friends are. they make getting through thi type of thing possible
