Terrible Sex Advice From Mens and Womens Magazines

PopsicleStand

PopsicleStand

Active member
So, some of you have probably read around the interwebz of the terrible sex advice given out in Cosmo, Maxim etc. Post up the best ones in here. I'll start.

lifted from cracked.com

#1.

Put Him in the Fucking Hospital

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From:

Cosmo's website.

For those of you who never had older brothers, this technique, when applied to the forearm, is called an Indian Rugburn. We're not sure if the politically correct version would be an Indigenous American Rugburn or a Southeast Asian Rugburn, but that's irrelevant because when done to your manhood it would need a new term completely. Something like, "A crime a million times worse than genocide."

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Pictured: a technique that wasn't even used on penises in Abu Ghraib.

We're not even joking at this point. Seriously, don't do this. We're frowning over our keyboard. This has been banned by the Geneva Convention as an inhumane torture technique. They will build grim monuments to the men who have had this done to them.

Let us never forget what Cosmo did to those fine men on that terrible day.

Read more: 7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital | Cracked.com http://www.cracked.com/article/156_7-sex-tips-from-cosmo-that-will-put-you-in-hospital_p2/#ixzz1Xy1klziA
 
and another

#5.

Yank His Crotch Hair

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From:

Cosmo's website.

Well, at least this one doesn't involve outright genital trauma. This little nugget recommends you pull on some dude's treasure trail hairs. You know, to turn him on.

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Hey, ladies, have you ever heard a guy use the expression, "He's got me by the short hairs"? Was the guy using it in a positive way?

No, because it is meant to convey the image of somebody grabbing your pubic hair and causing so much pain that they can make you do anything. Nobody unwraps a gift at Christmas and says, "Thanks, Grandma! This Xbox 360 will really get me by the short hairs!"

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All right, so now what you need to understand about that strip of fur Cosmo is referencing is that it's basically pubes. It's like a pubic escape route from your pants. No one's going to publish "yank on his pubes" in a sex advice column because no one outside of a few fetish scenes would want to do it, because it's horrible.

What's especially diabolical about this advice is that it sounds fine leading up to it. We're all for licking and tickling. It's like they intentionally buried the painful tip under the good ones, like a landmine.

 
my ex used to read cosmo. anyways one day i was flipping through it and it said to tie a shoelace around a guys dick and tug on it or something. basically squeeze the life out of his penis with a shoelace. the things those magazines tell women to do are evil.
 
I love seeing these magazines at the checkout lane of the grocer store.



50 ways to please your man! By... some women...
 
someone visits cracked.com
i saw one from a magazine idk which one or how long ago but it said gently bite the penis as you have it in your mouth. I'm always down for a little super gentle brush of the teeth its inevitable and feels pretty good but if a girl bit my dick while it was in her mouth... like paused the up and down motion and bit down even a little i'd be like what the fuck are you doing?
 
HEY!!!!

I LOVE THAT MOVE!!! If a girl's doing the BJ right, it'll be slobbery enough to just slide most excellently and when it's done sloppily and aggressively enough my brain goes bzzzzzzzbpphtptttthpphpphphphhssssshhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh and the bottoms of my feet feel minty.
 
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One girl ones started peeing when were 69ing, piss all over my face and the leather seats of my Range Rover. Said she read that in a girlsmagazine. I made her beg for her daddy, Said that I read that in a guy's magazine.
 
HAHAHAHA DID THAT HAPPEN FOR REAL?

IM NOT SURE HOW ID REACT IF A GIRL PISSED ON MY FACE. ID PROBABLY WIPE IT OFF ASAP
 
i like reading cosmo but sometimes some of their shit is completely fucked up. im open to try out something new but im pretty sure most straight guys dont want a finger up their ass during sex.
 
Yes, I just slapped her ass turned her over and started to assfuck her then I procceeded to shove my fist in her pussy, she cried and I made her clean all the shit. Fucking car still smells like piss.
 
just the other day a girl asked if she could do that to me, and i told her if she did i'd probably punch her out.
 
You? Yes, you do appear to be kind of bitchy today, considering I was joking. Take a lap. Better yet, go suck someones dick with poprocks in your mouth. Jesus.
 
no, tried it, twice actually first time they weren't dissolved enough so it was like timy glass shards on your dicksecond time it was just really sticky and nothig special
 
I am convinced that these magazines are run by man-hating, bull dyke type lesbians, and their mission is to inflict as much pain on men as possible.
 
Apparently if this happens, and you've been holding a shit in, you spray shit all over the lucky female's parent's bed, and bleed out of your asshole, while she crys and you attempt to clean it up.
 
cosmo has had to come up with 150 sex tips a month for x number of years. by now they've just completely run out of ideas so they resorted to extremely graphic physical torture
 
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