Tell me what you think of my paper (sort of about super smash bros/ technologies affect on us)

I should probably post it on here for those not wanting to click link....

Here you go:

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How

Super Smash Bros Has Changed Our Mind

Super

Smash Bros is a Nintendo 64 game released in 1999. It was created by HAL

laboratories and highlights a group of characters from other Nintendo games

such as, Kirby, Mario, and Zelda, as they fight to knock each other off the

stage (Wikipedia). Furthermore, it metaphorically demonstrates our dependence

on digital technology and how it has come to rule our world. The game steals

your mind, your attention, and reduces your ability to concentrate on other

activities. The internet does the same thing but in a more profound way; we are

only around a Nintendo 64 or other gaming console a few hours a day at most,

but the Internet is ingrained into everything electronic, from the mobile device

in your pocket, to the computer on your desk, to the TV in your living room.

Digital

technology rules our world; the human race has become dependent on it to work,

live, and simply function. In the article “Is Google Making Us Stupid?”

Nicholas Carr defends the position that the Internet is affecting humans

negatively by making us less analytical and unable to focus our attention. The

article “Get Smarter” by Jamais Cascio was written in response to “Is Google

Making Us Stupid?” It defends the position that current technology is causing

us to adapt, become more intelligent, and learn from new technologies.

In

his article Nicholas Carr says, “The net is becoming a universal medium, the

conduit for most of the information that flows through my eyes and ears and

into my mind.” and “Once I was a scuba diver in the sea of words. Now I zip

along the surface like a guy on a Jet Ski.” (Carr)

The Internet is definitely a universal

medium and a domain of free speech where information flows constantly. Almost

all of our information now flows through the Internet. 20 years ago one had to

go to the library or do independent research to find information, nowadays, by

simply typing a few words into google, Bing, or another search engine,

innumerable amounts of info can be acquired about a subject. This is a both a

boon and a disadvantage as demonstrated by Carr’s analogy to having once been a

scuba diver, and now being a guy on a Jet Ski. (Carr). He was once a scuba

diver that dove into articles and other writings as he immersed himself in the

intricacies of the prose and flowing words; nowadays, he is a guy on a jet ski that

skims over passages, quickly reading works of writing. In his article, Carr

goes on to describe effects of past technologies and how they have affected us

negatively. He uses the example of Friedrich Nietzsche and his typewriter.

Friedrich Nietzsche was a writer that had failing vision, and who was afraid he

would soon be unable to write. He bought a typewriter and after mastering the

keys, could write again. Interestingly, a friend of his found that his writing

had changed, it had become terser and more telegraphic like (Carr). If a simple

typewriter changed a prolific writer’s tone and writing style, the Internet and

the advent of computational and tablet technologies could easily alter our

fundamental thinking processes, as described by Carr.

“Get

Smarter” by Jamais Cascio explains that to avoid natural disasters and develop as

a nation, we must get smarter. Furthermore, he expands on that idea by hinting

at evolution and how we are always getting smart; the evolution of our

intelligence is an ongoing process. The internet, powerful simulations that

model the world, and drugs that allow one to study harder and focus better,

have all contributed to the evolution of the human race and our rise in

intelligence (Cascio). Additionally, our current media technology rewards the

ability to make connections to broader subjects through subtle references to

larger ideas. Scientists refer to this type of intelligence as “fluid intelligence”

and this aspect of society promotes increased intelligence. Finally, Cascio says

that our short-attention span may be solely a short-term problem and could

dissipate in future years as we become more accustomed to using the technology

(Cascio).

Nicholas

Carr is right in stating that technology has reduced our attention span and our

ability to concentrate. But even he states that we “should be skeptical of [his]

skepticism” (Carr). When the written word was developed, Plato worried that

people would “cease to exercise their memory and become forgetful.” Then, later,

when the printing press was developed, the Italian humanist Hieronimo

Squarciafico believed that the availability of books would lead to

“intellectual laziness” (Carr). Carr’s skepticism should be taken with a grain

of salt. Although it is undeniable that the Net has affected our ability to

think, it may provide us with numerous benefits that outweigh the negatives.

The

Internet has numerous benefits, such as social media, access to information,

freedom of speech, and more. The ease of connection between people created by

social media led to the revolts in Egypt and Syria against their oppressive

governments. These revolts could never have been possible without the Net. The

ease of access to information leads to an overall more knowledgeable world and

helps our society compile accurate data on numerous subjects. Additionally, the

Net is a place of free speech where people can share their experiences and find

community support on forums. Furthermore, we are able to design better experiments,

and, through the increase in technology, an idea (any idea) can be transmitted

to thousands of people through the click of a button. Do these positives

outweigh the negatives of losing our attention span and our innate ability to

concentrate and contemplate on works of writing, painting, and other works of

art?

I

believe they do. Although I tend to agree with Nicolas Carr on how the Internet

has affected us, it has provided us with benefits that outweigh the negatives.

This is similar to how the development of the written word affected us when

Plato was alive. He was right in saying that we would lose some of our ability

to remember and become forgetful; but the written word expanded the ideas and

knowledge of the average person leading to a spur in development as new ideas

could be communicated more efficiently and effectively. The printing press was

the same way, and now, so is the Internet (Carr). It has created an environment

of great knowledge, and will spur development in our world.

The

Net can be compared to Kirby from Super Smash Bros. It is an overpowered

monster that will fruit cake (Kirby’s powerful attack) everything and trump all

in its quest to progress. The Internet will make many of past technologies

useless as it takes over; examples include, cds, dvds, books, and much more. But

the Net doesn’t solely make them useless, it enhances them in an electronic

format that is better accessible to the masses. These are positives as our

society progresses and the beast that is Kirby, takes over.

There

are improvements and new technologies everyday due to the Internet. Even though

it has led to a decrease in our intelligence in some ways,

it has also increased our access to information and our intelligence in other

ways. In the past, communities were more local-minded and didn’t think about the

world as a whole. Nowadays, everything is about our global connections, Bill

Gates once said “The Internet is becoming the town square for the global

village of tomorrow,” and he is entirely correct. The benefits of the Internet

outweigh its negatives; those who refuse to believe that will be left behind as

those who embrace the Internet access more information and further the worlds

thinking.



Works Cited

Cascio, Jamais. "Get

Smarter." The Atlantic. The Atlantic, Aug. 2009. Web. 06 Mar. 2012.

Carr,

Nicholas. "Is Google Making Us Stupid?" The Atlantic. The

Atlantic, Aug. 2008. Web. 06 Mar. 2012.

Wikipedia

contributors. "Super Smash Bros.." Wikipedia, The Free

Encyclopedia
. Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, 6 Mar. 2012. Web. 7 Mar.

2012.











Word

Count: 1275

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i couldnt really figure out what your thesis statement was, so you might want to make it more obvious. after that, every single sentence should be related directly to the thesis. doing that will help to avoid repetition and give your arguments more significance than they otherwise convey when standing alone.
 
sensitivity of criticism could be altered depending on what grade you are in, so fill us in on that.

briefly: i think you are misusing commas in a few places. also, unnecessary use of adjectives can take strength away from a point.

And if your thesis is the last sentence of the first paragraph (which it seems to be), edit it so it doesnt depend on other sentences in that paragraph, ie: make it an independent statement/argument which you will proceed to argue for.

i dont feel like commenting on your arguments right now, but hopefully that helps a bit.
 
and also, only two real sources and wikipedia? i dont know what your requirements are but i dont think most teachers would approve.
 
*is a game for the Nintendo 64 console

*decide on internet or Internet

*Start of 2nd pgh. You can't use semi-colon when you say something depending on it in the previous sentence, it has to be independent, yet somehow related.

*I'd advice "twenty" instead of 20 in an essay

*Google

*Interestingly ENOUGH (?)

*telegraphic. (lose the "like")

*never use "and more" in any... single.. paper.

*Your sources are Wikipedia and two articles... is it enough?

That's all I got for now skimming through, what grade are you in and what class is this for? Nice idea, at least, and your writing is sincere.

 
I'm a freshmen in College this is for my NHV class (we only have 2 weeks to write this) basically he wants us to read those 2 articles (that i cited) and write a paper about them and take a side (defend it etc)Wikipedia can be used as a source (already asked) he said we don't need additional sources but if we want we can add some in.

It's supposed to be about 1000 words in length (its not the term paper that's actually due next week thursday so i might post that up sometimes this weekend)

We have one of these papers every 3-4 weeks about and you are right about my thesis statment i completely forgot to stick that in anywhere

Thanks for the comments guys and let me know what grade you think i'd get. BTW i go to Colorado School of Mines (engineering school) so writing isn't supposed very important (keep that in consideration)
 
didnt read, but falcon was the bomb.

FALCONNNNNN.. PAWNCH

*BOOOOOOOOM* player explodes off the map at a million miles an hour.
 
In any case, I like that you can't almost exchange it to "Colorado School of Minds"! Could be a rivalry booming.
 
don't forget to indent paragraphs.

also i did something similar, and i had a paragraph about how the internet is leading the downfall of natural selection in society. Everybody has the same access to the same knowledge... i mean obviously go deeper. and my teacher was blown away. i wrote that essay like the period before it was due, and that was what impressed her enough to give me a passing grade..
 
Hopefully you don't have to do turnitin.com for this because it will show up that you got it from this thread and you will probably have to go through a good amount of trouble with honor codes and stuff.
 
Can you also say the age? Not so sure of US class order...

If this paper is just one among the others during a class that is one semester long (?) I would personally give it 8+ on a Finnish scale, with the mistakes.

That would probably equate to... something like B-/C+ on the US scale, hard to quantify. If you correct the lingual mistakes and correct *Kirby's Fruit Cake, most powerful attack* and such,

*the internet will make many past technologies useless, no 'of' needed

*CDs, DVDs

*and the beast, that is Kirby, takes over

*global connections. (period)

*once again, wrong use of semi-colon in the last sentence! Change it so you don't relate to the last part after the semi-colon.
 
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