Ski essay

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So this is an I BELIVE essay that i'm doing about skiing. I would like some feed back on it. I want to take out the feeling of freedom and put something els in but i don't know what.+++K

Personal Essay

Snow Skiing is one thing i couldn't live without. Skiing is turning into a life style, not just for me but for lots of people. Skiing is my passion its what i do to escape everyday life. When i click into my bindings the world becomes my play ground. There are no limitations when it comes to this sport, no right or wrongs, no rules, anything is possible.



In 2002 i got my first pair of twin tips which really changed things for me. skiing really started to become addicting when i started skiing park aggressively in 2009. The park skiing revolution started in 1999 its still in its infant stages, and is going to go along way. Now i am the most knowledgeable in the ski industry.

when i ski all my stress goes away i’m not thinking about english class or whats on T.V. i’m just skiing. When i ski i’m in a different world. When i ski i get a feeling of freedom. I cant get the same feeling from any thing els. It is one of thee most real feelings you have, you cant fake it. It really comes out after i stomp a huge jump or rail at that moment theres nothing better.

For me skiing is my escape. Every time i ski i learn something new either about myself or about the sport itself. I don't Know what i would do with out it. For me to love skiing this much and live in the worst state to ski in i would call that very passionate.

 
Is this essay for school, a contest?

If it's all good with you I might correct the grammar and word some sentences differently then PM you that version.
 
I don't want to be mean, but that is terrible. Its blandness prevents you from effectively conveying your love for the sport.

I'd recommend making it more of a narrative. Describe one specific experience you had skiing that you feel really embodies your relationship with skiing.
 
I wrote this for my English class last year. We had to write a descriptive essay describing a moment that we will compare the rest of our lives to. It was also kind of fun because we had to write in third person.

The journey consists of a 1 hour drive to Philadelphia, a 4 hour flight to Denver, and a 1 hour drive to Winter Park. Billy can hardly sleep in the condo the night he arrives because he knows that the greatest skiing of his life is only a few hours away. He awakens to a fresh foot of snow on the ground and an uncontrollable urge to rush up to Winter Park Ski Resort in order to conquer the untouched powder. Billy and his dad jump in their rental car, skis in tow, and begin the unbearably long 5 minute maiden voyage to the mountain. They park the car, purchase their ski tickets, and board the chairlift. After about a five minute ride, Billy gets off the lift, turns around, and for the first time he witnesses the majestic horizon that is the Rocky Mountains.

The trip cannot possibly be going better. A plethora of snow is falling every day, and Billy is having the absolute time of his life. He is on a snow induced high and nothing in the world can bring him down. The joy, no, the pure unadulterated pleasure he gets from carving through the knee-deep powder bowls or racing through the immaculate snow in the trees is nothing like he has ever experienced before in his entire life. He does not want to stop, so he continues to lap the mountain continuously riding chairlifts up and exploring new trails on the way down. He is on a constant hunt for the finest of powder, and he is not afraid to duck into the trees, risking life and limb, if there is a chance that he can find some of the fluffy stuff. He knows that the conditions of his beloved home ski area, Blue Mountain, will never match the caliber of this, so he must savor every moment he can during this astounding trip. Needless to say, by the end of the trip Billy has fallen head over heels in love with Winter Park and Colorado in general, and he never wants to return to humdrum Bethlehem and leave his amazing newfound home.

Unfortunately, on a sad Sunday morning Billy must wake up and catch a flight at the Denver International Airport. He hopes and prays that one day he will be back to relive his awe-inspiring experiences over again. On his long, heartbreaking trek back to Pennsylvania, Billy tries to complete some schoolwork that he missed because of his incredible vacation, but he cannot focus when thoughts of whiteout blizzards and breathtaking skiing are floating around in his head. Billy is almost near tears because the instant emotional bond he formed with skiing out West is being ripped right out from under him. Billy knows that this trip has now officially concluded, but the joy of the adventure continues to live in him. He took some pictures to show everyone back at home, but Billy has irreplaceable memories and experiences all his own to forever remind himself of the enjoyment he lived through on his original ski trip to Colorado.

 
i see what you are doing with that second paragraph trying to indtroduce park skiing to your audience, but it is somewhat unnecessary because you did not go back and touch back on park skiing specifically anywhere else in your essay
 
If that is an essay for a junior class that is the most pitiful thing ever My teacher would probably wipe his ass with that if he saw it
 
needs a lot of work dude. probably will suffice as a rough draft in a high school english class but i would definitely edit and rewrite the shit out of that before the final is due. its not everyday that a teacher gives you the freedom to write about something that you are truly passionate about. definitely take advantage of the opportunity. i wrote several published works in college...feel free to pm me if you would like to discuss the essay further.
 
I did this type of essay last year, sadly i deleted it, but my teacher loved when i put that skiing for me was a way to get away from everything, when im skiing my mind is clear and nothing else in the world matters. id put something like that in if i were u
 
Ya, like everyone else said it needs some work. Start off with your introductory paragraph, primarily the first sentence. The introductory sentence is crucial in a good essay. You need something that really draws the audience in, makes them want to read more. Currently it is admittedly a little dull.

And your essay should defiantly be more focused. Currently it is very generic. And therefore bland.

P.S. I don't mean to be rude, and I know it's a lot easier to tell someone how to write an essay then actually write one... Good Luck xD
 
ditto. since you are almost finished highschool, i hope you learned something about essays as they will be crucial in university. from this essay, id guess it was from a grade 8-9 level.. get used to MLA format, proper sentences, grammar, transitions, etc. i can tell you now that the content and the length is not good enough. put more effort and have at least an introduction, 3 paragraphs, and a conclusion. dont think length is a number one priority, just in the top 5. quality > quantity
 
Here is one that I wrote from my senior year in high school

A Moment of Great HappinesStanding at the drop-zone,

thinking. In my minds eye I picture every trick, every movement. The man with

the microphone nods to me. “6” I say. “Number 6 dropping” bellows the man. A

quick burst of nervous energy shakes through my legs as I push with my right

foot to line my skis up for the first feature. The single push provides me with

plenty of speed. The music blasting though my headphones calms my nerves as I

approach the jump. As I slide over the snow I wind up. The placement is perfect

and I jump. Lifting my skis right before my momentum carries me over the gap. I

spin to the left 270 to land on the three foot wide down box. I slide down,

gripping the side of the box to stop my momentum. As the end approaches I pop

off. Landing forward I allow my head to bob with the impact of the landing. I

take two precise turns, the exact same size as in the practice run. The second

feature approaches a three-foot wide five-foot long flat rail with a five foot

down section. Then a mistake was made I jumped a split second late. With this

rail being so short I land inches before the kink. With no time to regain my

balance I jump again. Carrying my momentum I lost sight of the end of the rail.

My eyes spot the place where I had jumped. I forced my head around; I did not

want to make my common mistake and stare. I could now see the end of the rail

approaching fast, so I flick my toes up to contact the rail before it passed.

The backside swap went smoothly and I stomp onto the snow landing forward with

a solid thud to confidently finish the trick. After landing I cut to the right

to catch the up, flat, down, 15-foot long battle ship box. I ease onto the box

with a slow rotation to the right. Spinning slowly and precisely the rotation

makes a perfect 360 allowing me to slide off the end with no effort. My speed

is slow exiting the box and the next feature is a small hip, no more than five

feet tall. I use all my strength to push, trying to gain more speed. The speed

ends up being much slower than expected as I pop off the top of the hip. I jump

and spin to the left, rising no more than three feet off the snow. In the air I

spot the landing. I can tell that I am not going to make the full rotation for

a 540. I tense up and shift my skis slightly. On impact I shuffle my skis to

ride away smoothly, nodding at the final judge to signal the end of my run.

I

click out of my skis, pick them up, and put them on the ski rack. Taking large

strides I reach the lodge door in seconds. I throw open the double doors

simultaneously, walk down the hallway, and turn right to face the lady at the

information desk. I ask her who won the rail jam. She reaches under the desk

and pulls out a bundle of things wrapped up in a plastic bag with a note on

top. I quickly read the note and it says “Dylan Smith, Rail Jam”. I take a step

back and cheer, ‘that’s me!” I raise my arms and shoulders to lift the bottom

of my jacket to revile two passes, one hanging from each of my pants pockets,

with my name neatly written on each of them.EndFragment

 
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