you know what changes people? Time-out. Yup, just like what you use with kids....well a little different. See with kids its pretty simple, they do something unacceptable and for punishment you take away what they want to do most; play. As they sit there and watch others play, they have to think about what it is they did to deserve missing out. Its a pretty effective behavior modifier. Turns out, it works with grown ups too.
See for the better part of two and a half years, I did pretty shitty things. Over and over again, time after time, I disappointed you with the choices I made. But you stuck with me, unwilling to throw away love. I wasnt all bad either, I did good things, and showed you from time to time how I loved you but my actions continued to show a different story. Finally, you gave up and made your stand. Despite having no less than a dozen things that should have been a wake up call for me, nothing was. Just like that you were gone. Just like that I finally understood. Through all the tears and heartbreak, I began to see what I had done wrong. Going home and seeing my brother, sister and mom, seeing the horrible life choices they continued to make, I realized that I was looking in a mirror. That was probably the single most difficult thing to come to terms with in my life. But something was different now. I saw that stuff, I looked back on what I had done during our relationship and I hated it. I absolutely despised it with a passion that had not previously existed in me. I couldnt take it, it was eating me up, in fact it still eats me up. Over the past 11 months I have gone in a completely different direction in my life, changing everything that disgusted me about my prior self. I can honestly now say that Im proud of who I am now, and where Im going. Timeout has changed me. What I want to do most in this world is love you, but thats out of the question. The time ive spent 'sitting in the corner' thinking about why I cant love you, be there for you, hug you, kiss you, has fundamentally changed me as a person and where I am going in life and what my goals are. Chances are, I wont ever get to love you again. I suppose you never know, and maybe im just cynical but i just have that sort of gut feeling. Regardless of whether our paths cross again, I will always love you because of the tremendous positive effect youve had on my life, more than family, friends or anyone else. Love you Ashley, ill always be around the bend if you ever want my love again.