Need your help NS!

SCOO-WOOP

Active member
Sup guys. I'm writing a short piece for a local magazine about my passions and obviously I chose skiing. However, the only person who has read it other than myself is my mom. And seeing as shes my mom, I don't really trust her to give me an unbiased judgement of my work. So, read it if you want. Don't if you don't. I just really need some feedback before I send it to the editor.

We wake up and leave you in the early hours of the morning.

You don’t see us go.

You don’t hear us ramble out the door.

We leave a kiss on your cheek, or a few dollars and a kind note

on your coffee table. Maybe a small bottle of our favorite alcohol if

we can afford it.

We live on couches. In cramped hotel rooms and back seats. In sleepers, tents, snow-caves, shacks. We couldn’t care less about where we stay. As long as we get to go out and explore our own little world when the sun rises.

Two pieces of wood sandwiched between plastic and fiberglass.

Two pieces of aluminum. Some warm clothing. Maybe a beer. That’s all we

need.

We find beauty in the small things; the way fresh groomed

snow feels under our skis as we edge, slash, and glide down the

mountain. The feeling of weightlessness as we careen through waist-deep

powder, through trees, and over cliffs. The deep red and the fiery orange glow of the peaks as the sun rises over the mountains on a cold winter’s morning.

Our worries fade as our focus intensifies. The yelling, the

fighting, and the arguments all go silent as we begin our run. All

that’s left is the sound of wind rushing by our ears. The feeling of

butterflies in our stomachs as we drop in. The raw, pristine beauty of

the mountains that give so much and ask for so little.

What are we? Why are we here? What are we doing? What’s the

point? These questions may never be answered while we are back in the

real world. But when we’re on the mountain skiing; when we’re too

focused on it to care about anything else; when nothing matters except

getting down to the lift and back up top for another lap; those

questions never even come to mind.

Go ski.
 
It's easy to tell you put a lot of thought into making this sound and read well but it doesn't seem deep enough. Don't get me wrong it's well written and a perfectly good piece but it's a very cookie cutter read. I'd suggest putting more heart and emotion into it, making its meaning more adaptable to perception and hold more of a "skiier" vibe.
 
In my honest opinion as a writer, you tried way too hard. You tried to come off as some old Hemingway-esque writer, waxing on about a passion that is stitched into your soul. Instead you came off as a kid trying to be creative. If I received that as a submission I would scrap the entire thing. I recommend you do the same.
 
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