Need help editing short essay plzz

P

pink_powder

Member
this is my first essay for eng and it has to be an opinion essay

and i have no idea if i did it right so far iv done 2 of my body paragraphs and need help thinking of a topic for the third and doing an intro and conclusion

can sum1 plz read this and tell me wat is wrong?

 
here it is

Question: Are we losing touch with and respect for the environment

Opinion we are destroying our forests and polluting our air and water

Topic sentence 1 Factories, cars and many other human activities are releasing carbon dioxide and methane into our atmosphere and polluting out air.

Topic sentence 2: The production of holmes are destroying our forests and putting many animals at risk.

Thesis; our environment is at risk because of air pollution, water pollution and our lack of respect towards the environment

Body paragraph 1

Factories, cars and many other human activities are releasing carbon dioxide and methane into our atmosphere and polluting out air. As fossil fuels are burned carbon dioxide is released into our air. As it starts to build up there are increases in smog, heat waves, acid rain, and asthma. It is ruining our air quality and in general our quality of life. As we burn more and more each day we are sinking deeper and deeper into this whole of problems. Our environment is getting worse and worse and as we fail to prevent it, it will soon become permanent. As cities continue to expand more factories are being built and more cars are being used. All the exhaust from these things is what contributes to ruining the air quality of our environment. All these things are reducable if not preventable. It is just not much people are willing to put in the extra effort to try reduce it. From recycling to driving hybrid cars even the smallest things help as long as everyone tries them.

The production of homes and paper as well as carelessness and disrespect are destroying our forests and putting many animals at risk. As the human population grows more and more forests are being cut down. Animals are starting as we continue to damage the environment. As we pollute more and more space for our waste. We do not respect our environment our forests as much as we should and are damaging them carelessly by littering and starting (not putting out) careless fire that result in massive forest fires which not only kill the forest but release a ton of CO2 into our air. We are killing plants that we and other animals need to survive. What is worse is we contine to chop down forest as if there is an endless supply.

 
wat grade r u in

CHOKE: V. To fail to perform effectively because of nervous agitation or tension; YANKEES.

RED SOX 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS
 
haha im in 9th too but i write like im in sixth, how many more paragraphs do u need to write?

CHOKE: V. To fail to perform effectively because of nervous agitation or tension; YANKEES.

RED SOX 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS
 
ill try to help u, give me like 30 minutes and ill send it to u

CHOKE: V. To fail to perform effectively because of nervous agitation or tension; YANKEES.

RED SOX 2004 WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS
 
id help but i got a project

ill c if i have time after wen im done

pretend you will give the guy head to give back your skis, he probably will accept, then once he whipps his cock out, steal it-SteezePatrol

if you want to be a real gangster wear your ski boots to the dance. when he starts shit
 
Okay firstly, I hope you're not submitting that with the headings (topic sentence, BP1, etc) unless you're handing it in as a draft and you have to have that on there... If it's your final copy, take out all of those titles.

Second, you need to use full sentences and link each topic sentence.

For your body paragraphs, you need a lead and a conclusion for each one. each B.P. is like a mini essay, and each of them come together in the end to prove your thesis.

Finally, you need to read it and check your spelling. for example you have "out" where it should say "our".... I gotta go eat some food but maybe i'll edit for you after.

-katie
 
read it over for spelling errors

Its only for decoration thats it and thats all

What goes on in the gondala stays in the gondala
 
Lead it off with a good thesis, edit the one you already have to make it hit harder.

Humans are endangering the very world we live in by putting our short term needs over the continuing survival of the environment.

Those are my words and my interpretation of what your trying to say, but hopefully you get my point.

From what I read in the first paragraph you should also work on making your sentences flow together. If I find some time tonight, I'll proofread it for you, but none of us can make the changes you need to without taking your voice out completely.

_________________________________________
__________

-Chris
 
try to keep your thesis consise and stay on one topic and narrow it down, then the body needs very good support tying directly to the thesis

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Ski. Eat. Sex. Sleep. Ski. What else is there?
 
holy ur writing hard shit im in gr.10 and we didnt even do that much work this year lol, well i did write an essay but i wrote mine on the significance of pokemon to our generation was. And i got the highest mark in the class!! :)

 
not bad...but yeah just elaborate and check for spelling, punctuation etc.

-----------------------------------------
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Please, stop making skiing into a soap opera. This isn't the OC.-J.D. May

it's actualy not legal to shoot someone for coming on your property. Not all people from america are jackass rednecks. Just our president

-Jklops

JC TM 1604

 
can u ppl plz help me make an intro and conclusion to the essay aswell as a 3bp

plz i realy need ur help this is worth 15% of my final mark

 
The production of holmes are (use "is" instead of are) destroying our forests and putting many animals at risk.

sorry if that wasn't very helpful, i just dont feel like reading the whole thing.

 
You should come up with some proof for your statements. All you do is say that pollution is diminishing our quality of life, but how? You have to prove your point. Do some research.

Also, don't use words like "our". Say "The environment", instead of "our environment".

 
are you like borderline retarded or something?

~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~

If it aint Gorilla, it aint Steeze

i'm not even trying to be mean...but, you look borderline retarded -freerider_klo
 
?

if u live in the Gta

join T-dot

https://www.newschoolers.com/PHP/Cul

ts/Cults.php4?action=view_cult&cult_id=1
4

72

where all torontos jibbers get together

pm me if u want in

pretend you will give the guy head to give back your skis, he probably will accept, then once he whipps his cock out, steal it-SteezePatrol

if you want to be a real gangster wear your ski boots to the dance. when he starts shit
 
k im don my project

ill c if i can help u

if u live in the Gta

join T-dot

https://www.newschoolers.com/PHP/Cul

ts/Cults.php4?action=view_cult&cult_id=1
4

72

where all torontos jibbers get together

pm me if u want in

pretend you will give the guy head to give back your skis, he probably will accept, then once he whipps his cock out, steal it-SteezePatrol

if you want to be a real gangster wear your ski boots to the dance. when he starts shit
 
You say plenty about the dilemma itself, but you never really address why its happening. You are just saying obvious things and not directly tackling the question. You could explore something like the idea that people are to focused on their personal goals/causes to really consider any consequences that their actions could be creating. You should also mention the idea that many people, especially in underdeveloped countries, don't realize the harm they are causing. Clear-cutters in Brazil are commonly not thinking about the environment, they are trying to make ends meat. You should the proceed to saying how these kinds of problems could be solved. If you do all of this, I think you'll impress your teacher.

------------------------

Smaller Sig = Claustrophobia
Larger Sig = Endless Void
 
plz ppl im gonna cry

sum1 plz help me (ppl who r senior in hs or r in university/collage this is prolly so easy 4 u)

plz just help me i am begging u

ill do anything for u ppl 2 help me

 
quote some statistics! if you still need it written ill give u some bullet points and u can link them! its imp to learn how to do this because it is all you are going to do for the following years of your HS career and im guessin not uni... mby college?

STFU and ski

[fat kids are harder to kidnap]

Peace

CJGN
 
Sorry, but most people don't feel very inclined to help someone who doesn't try to do it themselves and instead just mooches off others who do it FOR them...

You asked for help, and people have given you a whole shit load of info. Now take that advice and use it.. no one wants to write your assignment. You can do an intro and conclusion yourself, I know you can. Just make sure you done type the way you do in your posts...

If one of us were to write it for you, we'd deserve the 15%, not you.

-katie
 
go ahead and cry dumbass

~~~~~~~~*****~~~~~~~~~

If it aint Gorilla, it aint Steeze

i'm not even trying to be mean...but, you look borderline retarded -freerider_klo
 
A wise Llama say: she who can't write high school essay going to bang bang for good grade in college.

I got a tail slide for your rail

Most pretentious thing ever written in a profile:

Don't even ask...I won't tell you. Don't tell me I am hot. I don't want to hear it and I don't give a damn.

-SnowKristal
 
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