My writing. Poetry, spoken word, lyrics, etc.... feedback/requests would be great.

Caspaaa

Caspaaa

Active member
I'm going to start posting all my writing in here because it's easier and maybe it'll get seen more than in the Artwork thread.

I've been writing for a while now. I've been through rap influenced phases and more poetry influenced phases. I've written darker material and sometimes I'll go months without writing anything at all. This is my work, please let me know what you think of it.

I'm also constantly looking for a challenge. So pm me or post in here any ideas that you'd like me to try to put into words. It could be as simple as something like the feeling outside after it has just rained, or it could be as complex as a personal story. Anything is welcome.
 
and to start it off, here is something i just wrote tonight. the rhythm was influenced by the song "River Runs Deep" by Knowmads.

yo i once knew a girl she struggle with depression

her mind fought daily but she never could suppress it

yeah i once knew a girl she liked to be alone

they made fun of her at school so she stayed in bed at home

i knew the nights would haunt her so i called her on the phone

thinking i could make a difference through the changes in my tone

i fell in love with a girl and we used to sneak out

we walked on the train tracks and questioned useless doubts

the rain poured down but we never ever turned around

she wouldn't stop walking she kept her eyes on the ground

i once knew a girl but she struggled to be strong

her smile shined brighter whenever i was gone

she gave up walking for a gram every night

she swore she was better so i taught myself to write

i picked up a pen in order to escape

from the memories of walking with her down by the lake

i was only sixteen and i didn't care less

i went to private school and i thought that i was blessed

the mind plays tricks so that we forget the past

but if i had one choice i know i would go back

you see life moves fast don't you let it pass you by

i've seen too many people who give up before they die

i taught myself to run but i've never learned to hide

so i'm stuck between lines until the ink runs dry

if i could change a life with some simple advice

i'd say do the things you love and don't ever question twice

the things we say we own will eventually control us

coursing through our veins till we crumble into dust

but if the person you become ain't the one you'd like to meet

shake his hand politely and then turn away to leave

destiny don't take numbers and it ain't your turn in line

so rewrite your story or try to learn from mine

 
revised.

yo i once knew a girl she struggled with depression

her mind fought daily but she never could suppress it

yeah i once knew a girl who she liked to be alone

they made fun of her at school so she stayed in bed at home

i knew the nights would haunt so i called her on the phone

thinking i could make a difference through the changes in my tone

i fell in love with a girl and we used to sneak out

we walked on the train tracks and questioned useless doubts

the rain poured on but we never turned around

she didn't stop walking with her eyes to the ground

i once knew a girl but she struggled to be strong

her smile shined brighter every time that i was gone

that voice rang clear when i almost lost sight

she told me i was nice but that it didn't seem right

she gave up on walking for a gram every night

she swore she was better so i taught myself to write

i picked up a pen in order to escape

from the memories of walking with her down by the lake

i was only sixteen and i didn't care less

i went to private school and i thought that i was blessed

i taught myself to run but i never learned to hide

i'm stuck between these lines until the ink runs dry

the mind plays tricks so that we forget the past

but if i had one choice i know i would go back

yo i once knew a kid, he was only eighteen

with a look on his face that you've never ever seen

he walked home late cause the city don't sleep

and he just found meaning in the river runs deep

it was all he ever had just some dreams and a pen

he was running from himself like a slave to the end

i wish i knew it now and i wish i knew it then

cause he hung his heart up just so he could have a friend

now he sits on the curb with his life in his hand

convulsed on the pavement they just never understand

the drugs don't help yeah and neither does the pain

he walks sore limbs through the sun and the rain

thinking bout his death wish and if it's time to change

thinking bout his conscience he'd rather break the frame

yo i once knew a boy who had thought he lost time

but fate don't take numbers and it ain't his turn in line

he cried every night as his life passed him by

he gave up on living well before he even died

i was only eighteen and i didn't care less

i painted walls with my blood but i wouldn't dare confess

i taught myself to run but i never learned to hide

so i'm stuck between these lines until the ink runs dry

you know the mind plays tricks so that we forget the past

and if i had the choice i would take it all back

 
another

i grew up in the suburbs but i lived on the streets

where the land bleeds black and the rivers run bleach

smoke pours from our lips but we've forgotten how to speak

these cats make dirty money corporations starve the weak

record deals tossed in the mud

kids pushing meth in their blood just for fun

i don't have to see it all to know the lies we running from

don't expect to make a difference cause i don't even own a gun

i grew up in the suburbs but i lived through the beat

of a city on the shore that bled out into the street

the drilling in the ocean fueled our life crushing addiction

so we sell ourselves to one way trips on gas and cheap commission

flames from the west bring the sky to our doorsteps

we slash and we burn till we're up to our chests

we're slaves to the images in which they don't portray us

we kneel before the faces of the people who betray us

well you know it's gone too far when the actors who play us

are looking through the eyes of all the people who hate us

yeah i grew up in a world that won't make it through the night

the cold'll bite your tongue off and the wind blows out of spite

so naturally kids have learned to make it out on their own

with suicide an option most would rather just get stoned

yo i don't see a change no bend in the creek

the rivers dried up the city ain't been sober in a week

one week passes two years go by

we've listened to the politicians always asking why

why did it fail and who's the one to blame

but it's all a sick joke, we would kill for the fame

the story goes on but it's losing mass appeal

the number one concern is how to find a meal

the phone rings off the line it's a call from the past

but we tore out the roots and sold our fate for some gas

i guess thats where the story ends wishing we could go back

while the curtain drops down and the screen fades to black

 
This one is decent, but the rhyme scheme is just a little too simple in my opinion. It has an alright flow, but like I said, for me anyways, the aa bb cc dd..... rhythm is a little bland. Just my 2 cents. Keep at it man, you'll develop nothing but more and better skills. And write more frequently. I'm sure you've heard it a million times, but just try and write on a more regular basis. Practice yields better ressults, so practice!
 


yeah that's been one of my struggles in writing, picking good rhyme schemes and transitioning between rhyming couplets or triplets or whatever. i'm working on it but i stuck with the simplistic style because of a song i've been listening to a lot lately.

thanks for the feedback though. the ones posted above are a few of the first rap-styled pieces i've written so it's definitely a new area for me!
 
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